Exploring The Amazon Gets You Nowhere

, , , , , | Right | November 15, 2018

(It’s about twenty minutes before closing and there’s one customer left in the store. This particular customer always comes in about two hours before closing every night and wanders the store until closing. He only ever buys two or three small items. He comes up to my register.)

Me: *after ringing in his items* “Your total is [total]. How would you like to pay?”

Customer: “I have a gift card.”

(We accept gift cards so I see no problem, until the customer hands me the card.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but this is an Amazon gift card. You can only use it on Amazon.”

Customer: “No. I can use it here, too. You guys accept gift cards.”

Me: “We do accept certain gift cards, but you can’t use this one here.”

Customer: “Just scan it; you’ll see that it works!”

Me: “Sir, there is no barcode or magnetic strip on this card. There’s only a number on the back that you can type in on the Amazon website. You can’t use this here. Do you have another form of payment?”

Customer: *getting irritated* “I don’t know why you won’t just use it! I’ve used it here before!”

Me: “Sir, we don’t accept these. I need another form of payment.”

Customer: “Just use this card!”

(This goes back and forth for several minutes.)

Customer: “Where in here does it say I can’t use gift cards?!”

Me: “Right here on the back of the card.” *reads where the card says it can only be used on Amazon*

Customer: “Well, how was I supposed to know that?!”

(He grabbed his items and slammed it back down on the shelf and stormed out. By then it was twenty minutes past closing.)

The Bathroom Is Not The Only Thing Getting A Deep Clean

, , , | Right | November 15, 2018

(I work at a very busy pharmacy. One evening, our men’s restroom takes a turn for the worst and I have the privilege of setting it straight. I post a sign on the door that says, “CLOSED FOR CLEANING,” in red marker, and gather my supplies. A few minutes into the job, the door opens, and a man sticks his head in and asks:)

Man: “Is the bathroom closed?”

(It has been a really long day, with a lot of stupid questions, and I just can’t help myself.)

Me: *snapping a blue glove onto my hand* “Nope, we are giving out free prostate exams. I don’t have any lube, but I do have bleach. Step on in so we can get this over with.”

(He no longer needed the restroom.)

Giving The Internet A Place To Roost

, , | Right | November 15, 2018

(I’m working for a small IT company. We’re in Germany, and most people we provide service to have little to no idea about computers, or the English language.)

Me: “[Company], [My Name] speaking. How can I help?”

Customer: “This is [Customer]. My Gockel does not work.”

(Note: she pronounces it gock-l. “Gockel” is a South German word for “rooster.”)

Me: “Excuse me. I believe I misheard. Your what?”

Customer: “My Gockel!”

Me: “Um… Does it not crow?”

Customer: “What?! I’m not talking about a rooster! I mean my Internet Gockel!”

Me: “Um… Could you give me an exact walkthrough what you’re trying to do when the error occurs?”

Customer: “I open my Internet, and then there should be Gockel. But instead, there’s a dinosaur.”

Me: “You open your browser, but you get a dinosaur instead of a rooster? Wait…”

(It turns out her Internet provider had a problem, so their Internet didn’t work. She was confused because when she opened her browser, Chrome, the page indicating a connection error with the little dinosaur game showed instead of the usual Google startpage. She just completely mispronounced “Google.”)

The Packaging Nazi

, , | Right | November 15, 2018

(I work for a package delivery service. We have very tight scheduling, and I can’t stop while someone finishes putting together a package for pickup, especially if they’re the ones who scheduled it for pickup at a certain time. Day one: I walk into a deserted-looking office building.)

Me: “[Delivery Service] pickup! Hello?”

(I’m about to leave when the customer comes running out of the back. I don’t know what she was doing, but her makeup is smeared and clothes untucked, and she looks strung out.)

Customer: “Oh, I don’t have the package put together or the label printed. Wait a couple of minutes while I do that.”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, I can’t wait that long. You can call for another pickup when you have the package ready, or you can drop it off at our central office.”

(I walk out, listening to her swearing and screaming about how she’s very important and she’ll have me fired. Day two: I walk into the same deserted-looking office building.)

Me: “[Delivery Service] drop-off!”

(I drop off the packages, call out again, wait a few moments, and then go back to my truck and drive off when no one answers and I don’t see any packages in the front area. As I turn off the block, I distantly see the customer run out, screaming and waving her arms, in the rear-view mirror. Day three: I walk into the still-deserted-looking office building, which now stinks like sewer line.)

Me: “[Delivery Service] pickup!”

Customer: “Here, you f****** Nazi. All ready to go.”

(She throws the package at me and looks disappointed when I catch it.)

Me: “As a Jew, I find your comment extremely offensive.”

(She also had a Jewish name, which kind of pissed me off. My supervisor later told me that someone phoned in a ridiculous, over-the-top complaint about me. When I explained the situation, she laughed. I hope I never get assigned that route again.)

Option One Is The Only One

, , , , | Right | November 15, 2018

(Our call centre deals with electronic repairs and tech support. When a customer calls the automated line, they are told to press one for repairs or to stay on the line to get transferred to tech support. This happens on a quiet Sunday afternoon when I am the only free agent on the repair line. We are not allowed to transfer calls, as we are strictly inbound only at this time.)

Me: “Good afternoon. Thanks for calling [Company] repair line. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I need help with my [item].”

(They describe the issue they have been having.)

Me: “Sorry to hear that. You will need to call tech support to run through diagnostics over the phone, and they will get it booked in for repair if necessary. Just redial the same number, but when you get to the options just stay on the line and that will connect you.”

Customer: “Okay, then. Bye.”

(Less than one minute later the phone rings again.)

Me: “Good afternoon. Thanks for calling [Company] repair line. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “My [item] is not turning on; I need it fixed.”

Me: “We spoke just a few moments ago, and unfortunately you have come through to the wrong department again. When you redial, do not press one or any other number, and you will get through to our tech support team.”

Customer: “Oh, all right, then. Bye.”

(Less than one minute later the phone rings yet again.)

Me: “Good afternoon. Thanks for calling [Company] repair line. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “My [item] is broken; I need it fixed.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you have come through to me again. When you press one for repairs, it sends you to me, but you need to speak to tech support. When you call, do not press one or any other number. If you ignore all the options and wait, your call will be sent straight to tech support.”

Customer: “Okay, I will call them.”

(Less than one minute later the phone rings once again.)

Me: “Good afternoon, thanks for calling [Company] repair line, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “You again! I keep calling the same number, but I can’t get through to tech support like you said I would.”

Me: “I am so sorry. I don’t know why you are getting me, instead. Tech support are receiving calls this afternoon, so the line does seem to be working. Would you mind please just confirming the number you are dialling? The only thing I can think of is that we did change our number about five months ago, and you may be calling that, instead?”

Customer: “Sure, it is [new and current number], then option one.”

Me: “That is the correct number, but as I have advised you three times now, pressing one transfers you to me. When you call, you dial [current number], wait for the options, press nothing, and you will be sent to tech support.”

Customer: “Oh, whatever. I can’t be bothered with that now. I just want to book it in for repair.”

Me: “All repair booking is done by tech support.”

(I then had to explain that the repair team did not have access to the booking-in system, as all issues have to be logged and attempted to be resolved by tech support first, and so she would need to speak our tech team, anyway. In the end, I had to get a supervisor to authorise and log the transferred call.)

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