Full-Time Alchemist

, , , , , | Right | February 22, 2019

(A couple friends and I are attending a local anime convention. One of my favorite parts of the convention is the fact that it’s across the street from the mall and a large shopping district, and it’s fun to see all the confused non-con-goers watching the cosplayers in our brightly-colored costumes and asking what the heck is going on. This happens when my friends and I are in a store near the mall. Three of us are all in costume, standing in a group, and browsing merchandise, when a woman approaches.)

Woman: “Excuse me, can I ask you something?”

Me: *thinking she is about to ask why we’re all dressed up* “Sure!”

Woman: “Can you tell me if you tell me where [item] is? I can’t find it anywhere!”

Me: *realizing she has — somehow — mistaken us for store employees* “Oh, sorry, we actually don’t work here.”

Woman: “Oh, I just saw your name tag…” *points to my badge for the convention*

(She went to ask one of the actual employees, who were all behind the counter ten feet away, in no way dressed up like anime characters, and also not wearing name tags.)

One Step Forward, Eight Steps Back

, , , , | Right | February 22, 2019

Caller: “Hi. My Internet Explorer is not working.”

Me: “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

Caller: “My ‘back’ and ‘forward’ buttons are disabled.”

Me: “So, you were surfing and would like to go back to the previous page, but it’s disabled?”

Caller: “No, I just opened the IE and I noticed that.”

Me: “Well, you did not surf anywhere, so you don’t have any place to go back or forward.”

Caller: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Try clicking on any link.”

Caller: “Okay. Hey, my back button is enabled now, but forward is still grayed out.”

Me: “Try clicking back!”

Caller: “Forward is enabled now, but back is disabled!”

Me: *thinking he can’t be that dumb* “I must ask you! Is this a prank call?”

Caller: “No, I just wanted to report the problem.”

Me: “Sir. It’s working as intended. There is nothing wrong with your IE.”

(I wish I could add, “…but something wrong with you!”)

Caller: “Okay. Thank you.”


Their Brains Aren’t Fully Baked Yet

, , , , , | Right | February 22, 2019

Like most of the larger grocery stores, the one I work at has a bakery department full of fresh bread. Also like most grocery stores, the quality of our free bags is not exactly stellar, and this extends to the paper ones we package our bread in.

One night I am working as a cashier when three teenage boys start hovering at the end of my till, like they can’t decide whether or not to get in line. They only have a few items, including a baguette, so I assume they haven’t finished with their shopping. I tune them out so I can pay attention to the customer I am currently serving.

All of a sudden their voices get louder, and I turn to see that the bottom of the baguette bag has split open, and the baguette has slipped out. One of the boys picks it up, and proceeds to turn the bag around and slide the baguette back through the ripped end. Of course, it promptly falls through the other end, since it’s open. For some reason, this baffles all three of the teens, as if they expected ripping one end of the bag would magically seal up the other.

My customer and I have a hard time not laughing. We then have to convince them to go get another one to replace the damaged one, since they don’t realize that eating dirty food might not be the best of ideas.

They may be tears of laughter, but I weep for the next generation.

Frequently Annoying Questions

, , , | Right | February 22, 2019

(A new card has been implemented for a major transit company. My mother is a customer. When trying to register for a new account, we get locked out. We call customer service, and thirty-something minutes later we end up getting transferred to a supervisor.)

Mom: “Hi. We can’t register our card on your website.”

Me: *cuts in* “The third-party kiosk we bought it at didn’t give us a PIN, but they did ask for a birthday, so we thought that must be the PIN, and we tried three times and now we’re locked out.”

Manager: “Oh, of course. I’ll just unlock your account for you.”

(She did that and we were through in about a minute. I was just about to say thank you and hang up when my mom started asking more questions. She was reading questions off the FAQ page. In order. While looking at the answers. I ended up stealing the phone back after what seemed like an eternity and just saying thank you for their time and goodbye.)

These Transactions Don’t Hum Along

, , , , , | Right | February 22, 2019

(I work in a card and stationery store. A woman comes in and I engage her in conversation.)

Me: “Hi. How are you doing today? Is there something special I can help you find?”

Woman: “Yeah, do you have any cards with hummingbirds on them?”

Me: “Yes, we have a bunch! Did you need them for any specific occasion?”

Woman: “No, not really.”

Me: “Okay. We have many birthday cards with hummingbirds on them. This one here is actually our top-selling birthday card.”

Woman: “Actually, do you have any Thank You cards with hummingbirds on them?”

Me: *thinking, “Why couldn’t you have said this was what you wanted in the first place?!”* “Yes, I think so. Let’s go look.” *after scanning the Thank You section* “I don’t see any out here right now, but let me check our database and see if there are any cards I’m forgetting about that we might have in the stock room.”

(I look up “hummingbird cards” and find a few options.)

Me: “Okay, looks like I have one or two ideas. Let me just run in the back and grab them for you.”

Woman: “Okay.”

(I come back a minute later with two options for her.)

Woman: “Actually, do you have any hummingbird cards that are blank inside?”

(I walk over to our blank section and pull out two right off the bat.)

Woman: “Do you have any other options?”

Me: “I think so. Let me go check.”

Woman: “Okay, I’ll keep looking.”

(I again go to the back room and look for a minute or two and find a few cards that fit the bill. I return to the section of the store where I left her, and she is nowhere to be found. In fact, there are NO customers in the store at all!)

Me: *throws hands in the air in exasperation*

(Sadly, this happens on a regular basis. Why would you leave when I was gone for three minutes max and I’m trying to get you exactly what you asked for?!)

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