Massaging The Numbers

, , , , | Right | November 15, 2018

(Our massage chain requires a credit, debit, or gift card to hold the appointment if you don’t have a membership, as there is a charge for same-day cancellation.)

Me: “Okay, sir, I have you scheduled for [appointment details]. I just need to put a card on file to hold the appointment.”

Customer: “I don’t have a credit card.”

Me: “That’s fine; we can hold it with a debit card or a [Massage Chain] gift card.”

Customer: “My girlfriend has my debit card; she took it with her.”

Me: “Okay. Unfortunately, the system will only let me save the appointment for an hour without a card on file. Can you call her and get the number by then?”

Customer: “Oh, I have the card number. It’s [ten-digit number].”

Me: “Sir, I do need the rest of the card number. I can’t hold the appointment without it.”

Customer: “Okay, sorry. It’s [same ten-digit number].”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, that isn’t a card number. I need the sixteen-digit number from the front of your card, and the expiration date.”

Customer: “I don’t have a credit card!”

Me: “That’s perfectly fine, sir. Your debit card will work.”

Customer: “But my girlfriend has the card! I have the account and routing number!”

(I know that some places can bill from the account, but our system doesn’t allow it. It will only accept a card number. Even knowing this, I check with my boss, who confirms that we cannot hold it with the account number.)

Me: “I’m sorry; the system won’t allow me to input that number. There just isn’t a field to type it in. I can only hold it with the card number, which I know your girlfriend has with her. You can call her to get the card number, or wait for her to get home and see if the appointment is still open.”

Customer: “I found it! Here the card number. It’s [same ten-digit number].”

Me: “Sir, I can’t use the account number. It just simply is not an option. Why don’t you call me back when you have the card number?”

(He calls back ten minutes later. There is now a regular customer in the lobby waiting for her appointment.)

Customer: “Okay, I have the card number. It’s [same ten-digit number, with six extra digits on the end].”

(I try to type it in, anyway, expecting it to not work.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, that isn’t a valid card number.”

Customer: “It has sixteen digits! You said it needed sixteen digits!”

Me: “I did, but you can’t just take the account number and add digits to it; I need the whole card number from the front of the card.”

Customer: “But my girlfriend has the card!”

Me: “I understand that, sir, and I’ve tried to find several options that will work for you. It sounds like you just need to call me back once she gets home with the card.”

(I finally get him off the phone. The regular, who has tears in her eyes from laughing, comes up to the desk.)

Regular: “See, this is why I can’t work in customer service. I would have been swearing halfway through that call!”

Pulling A Queen From Your A**

, , , , | Right | November 15, 2018

(I work nights at a hotel and am pretty used to the random types of people we get. This night I am sitting in the back office behind the lobby counter. We have an arcade right next to the lobby.)

Coworker: “There’s a couple of hookers with two guys, and they want to play pool.”

(I go to the side of the counter and look at the window’s reflection to see four people hanging out around the pool table. One of the girls is digging through her purse for change and the other looks like she is picking a wedgie when…)

Wedgie Girl: “I found a 20-dollar Canadian bill in my butthole!”

(I laughed so hard I had to go into the back and wipe the tears from my eyes.)

Heat Death

, , , , | Right | November 15, 2018

(I work at a big box hardware store that sells a bit of everything. It is October in Wisconsin so it gets rather chilly.)

Customer: “Hey, do you guys have a heater that plugs into a cigarette lighter in the car?”

Me: “Sure! Right this way.”

(I take her to the product.)

Customer: “Oh, this shuts off after twenty minutes; I need one to last longer. I am going to be camping in my car for a few days.”

Me: “Yeah, they shut off for safety reasons; after all, it’s designed to defrost windows and warm up the car while it heats up. But we do have this blanket that plugs into the lighter, as well.”

Customer: “Okay, I will take that, too. You see, my uncle practices his wake every year and we have a big party. He just wants everything to be right when he dies. We all just sleep in our cars.”

Me: “Okay, well, you have a great day!”

(I got away as fast as I could to go tell my coworkers this story. In hindsight, she did look a little frumpy and unkempt, so she could have been homeless and thought of a story to make it seem better for herself, but she could have come up with something a little less bizarre and messed up!)

A Bag Of Old Tricks

, , , , | Right | November 15, 2018

(I am working in the concession stand where we offer free refills on large popcorns on the same day of purchase. A customer approaches and takes an old popcorn bag out of his jacket pocket.)

Not-So-Sneaky Snacker: “Can I get a refill?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we only offer refills on popcorn for the same day of purchase.”

Not-So-Sneaky Snacker: “I bought this today.”

Me: “Sir, I know that’s not true. That’s not the bag we’re currently using, I just saw you come in from outside, and you are literally the first customer of the day.”

(He opened his mouth as though to argue, but instead just slunk away in defeat. A few months later, he was permanently banned for defrauding the theater’s rewards program, and for sexually harassing one of the managers.)

This Interaction Is Directionless

, , , , | Right | November 15, 2018

(A customer comes in with a bracelet purchased from our store at another location. He has the receipt and is looking to replace it, since the one he bought has some scuffs.)

Customer: “I bought this at the store at [Sister Location].”

Me: “Okay, as long as you have your receipt, you’ll be fine.”

Customer: “I bought it at this store, though.” *begins tapping the receipt showing the location at the top* “Do you know where it is?”

Me: “Not really, although I do know we do have a store there.”

Customer: “What do you mean, you don’t know where it is?!” *begins listing off directions to the other store*

Me: “Sir, this is really not necessary. I know there is a store there; I just don’t know how to get there. I don’t really drive much, except for the town I live in and for coming to work.”

(He begins ranting about the directions to the store again and I interrupt him.)

Me: “Sir, once again, I don’t really drive much. I don’t recognize any of these road names or some of these cities. Even the names of interstates and major roads, I don’t really know. All I need to know is that you purchased this item. It doesn’t matter where.”

(In the end, he decided to keep the bracelet and left. I spent about fifteen minutes with him showing him different jewelry and getting told directions to a store I will never visit.)

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