Don’t Egg-spect To Find Them In A Vegan Store

, , , | Right | November 16, 2018

(I work in a vegan store. It is written all over our big signs, and even our logo has it in its name.)

Customer: “Do you sell eggs? Where are the eggs?”

Me: “We don’t sell any eggs, sorry, madam; we’re a vegan store.”

Customer: “But I want to make pancakes! How shall I bake pancakes without any eggs? How the h*** is that supposed to work? I need eggs! Why don’t you sell any eggs?”

Me: “You could also use mashed bananas or applesauce as an egg substitute.”

Customer: *starts yelling at me* “You might eat this s***, but I won’t eat your mud! You vegans again! Why do always have to force your beliefs on other people? I’m sick of this s***! I just wanted to buy eggs and you try to force veganism on me! Your attitude is unbelievable!”

Accept Jesus – Now With 90% Less Packaging!

, , , | Right | November 16, 2018

(I own a store, where we also sell some of our products without packaging in bulk, so people can bring their own jars and fill them up with nuts or noodles. We just sell SOME products like that; most products are normally packaged. A woman comes in, cuts in line, and yells at me.)

Customer: “I thought all your products were without any packaging! There are still some with plastic!”

Me: “We never said or advertised anywhere that we are 100% plastic-free; we just have a range of packaging-free products.”

Customer: “Have you ever asked God to help you make your store 100% plastic-free?”

(I look at her in disbelief, as do the other customers in line. She then sits on the sofa in our store, pats on the empty place next to her, and waves at me:)

Customer: “Here. Come; sit beside me. We will pray to Jesus Christ for your store to become plastic-free. If you would just open up for Jesus, all your wishes will come true. Even for your store to become packaging-free!”


What Kind Of Goats Has She Been Seeing?

, , , , | Right | November 16, 2018

(I work in a vegan store, so of course we don’t sell any dairy products.)

Customer: “In which shelf do you have goat milk?”

Me: “We don’t sell any milk from animals, because we’re a vegan store.”

Customer: *thinks for some seconds* “But goat milk is not from cows; it must be vegan!”

Me: *looks at her* “But goats are also animals. And as I said, we don’t have products from any animal.”

Customer: “Ah, you are right. I never thought about that goats that way.”

Show Crime

, , | Right | November 16, 2018

(I’ve sold a ticket to a man for a 5:00 pm show time. A few minutes later, I see him out of the corner of my eye entering the theater. It’s not even 1:00 pm yet. There’s an earlier showing of the movie already playing, plus a 2:30 pm showing before the one he bought his ticket for. I call a manager who goes into the theater and comes out with the man. I hear the following exchange.)

Manager: “I understand you bought a ticket to the five o’clock show time. If you’d like to see the rest of the current show time, I’ll have to ask you to exchange your ticket for it or buy a ticket to get in.”

Customer: “But this one is already playing!”

Manager: “I understand, sir.”

Customer: “Why can’t I just go see this one?”

Manager: “Because you didn’t buy a ticket to this show time.”

Customer: “But I bought a ticket to the five o’clock show time! So I should be able to watch the end of this.”

Manager: “That’s not how that works, sir.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Manager: “Sir, you bought a ticket for a specific show time. You need to go to that show time.”

Customer: *acting like he’s the smartest guy in the world* “But I just figured I’d watch the end of this one, and then I could also see the two-thirty show time and the five o’clock show time!”

Manager: *taken aback* “Sir, you essentially just told me you’re paying for one show time, but seeing three movies.”

Customer: *proud* “Yup!”

Manager: “Sir, that’s basically stealing.”

Customer: “How so?”

Manager: “You’re viewing two shows without paying for them!”

Customer: “But how is it stealing? I’m not taking them home.”

Manager: “You’re using a paid service without paying for it.”

Customer: “But it can’t be stealing if I’m not taking the movie home!”

Manager: “Seriously? You’re acquiring and using a service without paying for it. What else would you call it besides stealing of services?”

Customer: *beaming* “Being a smart customer who knows his rights!”

Manager: “Speaking of rights, you know I have the right to kick you out, right?”

Customer: *suddenly bolting towards the exit door* “I’ll be back at five!”


Powerless To Stop The Hangups

, , , , | Right | November 16, 2018

(I have ordered from a restaurant. They call me back.)

Me: “Hello?”

Employee: “Are you [My Name]?”

Me: “Yeah, that’s me.”

Employee: “The two cans of [Brand] soda you ordered, we don’t have anymore. Would you like [Brand #2], [Brand #3]—”

(Suddenly my home phone runs out of battery. I rush to find a new one, and I realize I haven’t charged ANY of my home phones. I slam one into the charger as they call again.)

Employee: “[My Name]?”

Me: “I… I am sorry. My home phone ran out of battery. I’ll take two of [Brand #2] soda.”

Employee: “Are you sure you want your burge—”

(The home phone goes out again, and I answer from the answering machine the next time they call.)

Me: “I’m really sorry; I haven’t charged any of my home phones.”

Employee: “Don’t sweat it; at least you’re not yelling about too much salt on your fries.”

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