Customer: “I’ll have a margarita, please.”

(I get a margarita and serve it to the woman.)

Customer: “Excuse me, miss? Can I please have another margarita? This one doesn’t have enough quatilia in it.”

Me: “Ma’am, your drink is strong, I can guarantee it.”

Customer: “How do you know there is enough quatilia in this?”

Me: “Because you said, ‘Quatilia.'”

Customer: “Yeah, and?”

Me: “It’s called ‘tequila.'”

(The customer’s face turned a nice shade of crimson.)

This story is part of our Margarita roundup!

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Me: “Hello, ma’am, is there anything I can help you find?”

Customer: “Yes. I need to find a book on rodents.”

Me: “Rodents?”

Customer: “Yes, I have some little creature running around my garage and I need to know what it is. I think it might be a vulva.”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “You know, it’s small and looks like a mole or a hamster. A vulva.”

Me: “I think you mean a ‘vole’.”

Customer: “Oh right, that’s it. Do you have any books on voles?”

This story is part of our Hamsters Roundup!

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(I am working another very long day right after “March of the Penguins” has come out, stuck in the box office, when a sweet-looking little old lady and her sweet little old lady friend walked up to the window.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

Old Lady: “Hello, sweetie. I’d like one senior for March of the Penises.”

Friend: “Oh, my God…”

(Shocked, the second old lady puts her hand up to her mouth and whispers to her friend.)

Me: “I think you might have the wrong theater…”

This story is part of our Shocking Old People roundup!

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Bored Teen: “Yeah. I’m looking for this book, When I Drop Dead?”

Me: “I can’t seem to find it in the system. Do you know who the author is?”

Bored Teen: “I dunno. Flooker or Flocker or something.”

(A light goes on in my head.)

Me: “Do you mean AS I LAY DYING, by WILLIAM FAULKNER?”

Bored Teen: *explosive sigh* “Yeah. Whatever. That.”

Student: “So, like, um, you wrote on my paper that I wrote like, I, like spoke… but you only gave me two out of ten points.

Me: “You used ‘like’ 56 times and ‘that’ 87.”

Student: “Um, why is that a problem?”

Me: “It was a two-page writing assignment.”

Student: “So… um… since I talked with you, um… can I have some more points?”