This Child Is In The Running To Be A Superhero

, , , , , , | Right | May 7, 2021

Years ago, my sister and I were sharing a pizza at a nationwide pizza place. A young child was being allowed to run rampant around the dining room. Just as my sister extended her leg to slide out of our booth, the kid came zipping up, tripped over my sister’s leg, and did a Superman pose, flying for about five feet, just missing a waitress carrying a full tray.

He stopped running after that.

My sister was so horrified that she hid in the bathroom for about five minutes.

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Not Being A Jerk – What A Novel Concept

, , , , , | Working | May 5, 2021

I’m at a cafe where I usually hang out on Saturdays to work on my novel. Most of the staff know me, but they recently hired a new manager, and one of the baristas admits that they don’t really like her.

One day, I sit down in front of my computer at the cafe and prepare to type the words of a future bestseller. I have my earphones in, listening to music.

After a few minutes, I realize that there’s a lady beside me, tapping her foot. I take the earphones out.

Me: “Can I help you?”

Lady: “I’m the manager here.”

Me: “Okay… Am I doing anything wrong?”

Lady: “Are you even prepared for the interview?”

Me: “What interview? I’m just a customer here.”

She looks at the clipboard in her hands.

Lady: “Aren’t you [Job Seeker]?”

Me: “No, actually, my name is [My Name].”

A man in the corner speaks up.

Job Seeker: “I’m [Job Seeker]. I was here for an interview about the baker position?”

The lady huffed and stomped over to him. My barista friends tell me that she’s still there after a year and a half, and they hate her even more because she’s incompetent and rude.

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Not Licensed To Be This Stupid

, , , | Right | May 4, 2021

While I don’t typically work the front counter, I do jump on register to help from time to time. I also help to answer the phone. On one particular morning, I pick up a line. Here in New York, most license plates start with three letters and end in four numbers. Commercial plates typically are five numbers followed by two letters.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Auto Parts Store], [My Name] speaking. How may I help you today?”

Caller: “Yeah, I need a power steering cooler for a 2005 GMC.”

Me: “All right, sir, can you tell me what model GMC you have?”

Caller: “Uh, it says Z71 on the side.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but that isn’t a model. If you look on the back of your vehicle it might have the model name.”

Caller: “It just says GMC on the back.”

Me: “All right, sir, that’s fine. Is your vehicle registered?”

Caller: “Yeah.”

Me: “If you tell me the plate number, I can look it up that way.”

Caller: “The what?”

Me: “The license plate number, sir.”

Caller: “What’s that?”

I’ve never had anyone ask me this question before, and I half expect the caller to say he’s just kidding, but he doesn’t say anything else.

Me: “It’s the plate with seven characters on your vehicle.”

Caller: “You mean like the VIN number?”

Me: “No, sir. If your vehicle is registered, then it’s the plate on the front or back of your vehicle. Do you have a plate like that?”

Caller: “Oh, yeah. It says [five digits].”

I think that maybe it is either a specialty plate, but a search of those five digits comes back with nothing for New York.

Me: “Is your vehicle registered in the state of New York?”

Caller: “Yeah.”

Me: “Are there any letters on the plate, too?”

Caller: “Uh, yeah, there’s [two letters].”

I put the letters in my search, too, and his model finally came up and I quoted him his price.

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Making Things Better One Pin At A Time

, , , , , , | Right | May 3, 2021

I work in a consignment store and we are about to close up. There are only three people left shopping and I’m checking out an older woman while the girl next to me is checking out a woman and her daughter. The little girl is looking at the pins we have displayed and is asking her mom if she can buy one. The mom says yes and the older woman who I’m checking out starts talking to me.

Woman #1: “Excuse me, how much are your pins?”

Me: “Only a dollar, ma’am, would you like to buy one?”

Woman #1: “Can you please charge me for three and let the little girl choose whatever three she wants?”

Me: “Of course, I can do that.”

I finish ringing her up and go to tell my coworker and the girl’s mother.

Me: “Just so you know, the lady who just left paid for whatever three pins your daughter wants.”

Coworker: “She did?”

Me: “Yep.”

Woman #2: “Aw, that’s so sweet.”

After the woman checks out, very appreciative, my coworker says:

Coworker: “That was so sweet of that woman. I’m glad there are still some good people in the world.”

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The More You “Need” It The Less You Should Have It

, , , , , | Right | April 30, 2021

A woman wanders up to my register and plops down a six-pack of beer.

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry, ma’am. I can’t sell you the beer until 8:00 am, it’s a state law.”

Customer: “But I need beer. When I walked in, it was almost 8:00, anyway.”

Me: “The register locks out alcohol sales until 8:00 am, so I can’t sell it to you until the register unlocks itself.”

Customer: “I really need this beer! I have to have it. You understand, don’t you?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do anything about it until eight. The store could lose its liquor license and I could be arrested, fined, and probably fired.”

Customer: “What if you total up the price of the beer and I’ll pay you cash for it? Nobody has to know.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I can’t do that. You’ll have to wait until eight.”

Customer: *Finally losing it* “I REALLY NEED THIS BEER! MY DAUGHTER IS IN LABOR AND SHE CALLED ME AND SAID SHE NEEDS BEER!”

Me: “If your daughter is in labor, do you think it’s wise to give her beer?”

Customer: *Gets even madder* “FINE! I’ll go somewhere else where they’ll sell some beer!”

I told the store owner about it later and he said, “I’ve heard lots of stupid excuses from customers over the years, but that’s a new one for me.”

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