As A Mustang Fan, I’m Confused By This Choice

, , , , | Legal | July 26, 2021

I work in an escape room. A grandfather and granddaughter come in and do two rooms. About seven minutes into the room:

Grandfather: “Hey, I can’t see; I don’t have my glasses on me. Can you get them from the car?”

Granddaughter: “Sure.”

She goes downstairs to get the glasses and can’t find them, so she drives home to get them. It’s been some time and the grandfather comes up to me.

Grandfather: “Do you know where my granddaughter went?”

I tell him that she drove home to get the glasses, and he starts panicking because he gave her the keys to the car and has no way of getting home.

Me: “She took off in a Mitsubishi.”

Grandfather: “I don’t drive a Mitsubishi; I drive a Mustang.”

We went downstairs and saw the Mustang parked in the street. This girl STOLE A CAR FROM A BUSINESS BELOW WHERE I WORK. She came back, and the owner of the car came outside, freaking out. She took the car because the man’s keys were in the car. This girl is apparently bipolar and must’ve been manic and just went for a joyride in the car to get her grandfather’s glasses. The cops came and talked to everyone except me, and the man didn’t press charges because nothing was missing nor was the car damaged.

The granddaughter and grandfather drove away and I was left here dying from laughter because this was the best thing that I’d ever seen working at an escape room!

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We Want To Hear The Rest Of That Woman’s Story!

, , , , , | Legal | July 18, 2021

When I was fresh out of college, I got called up for jury duty. It was actually a pretty fascinating experience and I highly recommend it. Some of the people I served with, though, were… interesting.

We’d agreed on most of the fourteen or so criminal charges in the case, including two of the three counts of child endangerment. Now, we were discussing the final of those. One of the criteria we were told for being guilty of this particular charge was that the child had to feel endangered. The child in this case was a baby. All but one of us concluded that, due to the particular circumstances, the baby had no idea what was going on and thus didn’t feel endangered and thus the person wasn’t guilty of this particular charge.

The holdout was a woman from the Caribbean — I forget where precisely. I point this out only to explain the sentence structure of her argument since English was her second language or perhaps even third. This is how the argument went, verbatim.

Woman: “When I was in my country, one day, I try to feed my baby. He wouldn’t take the breast! Wouldn’t take the breast!” *Pauses* “Lightning come down, set fire to the house!”

The Rest Of Us: “…”

Woman: “…”

The Rest Of Us: “…”

Me: *Grasping at straws* “Um…okay, so… you’re saying that babies have some kind of sixth sense about what is going on around them, so this baby knew that the man was threatening him even though the baby’s mother wasn’t really worried about the guy?”

Woman: “YES! Babies know!”

Everyone else proclaimed their disbelief.

Me: “Okay, why don’t we move on to the other charges and come back to this one later?”

Eventually, we were able to convince her that, in this case, lightning not come down, not set fire to the house, as far as this baby was concerned.

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Their Pizza Ordering Days Are Numbered

, , , | Right | July 16, 2021

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pizza Place]; this is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want a large pizza for pickup.”

Me: “Awesome! Let me just get your phone number, please.”

Customer: *Speaking extremely fast* “Either [Phone Number #1] or [Phone Number #2].”

Me: “Okay, which one of those would you like me to try?”

Customer: “Doesn’t matter. Either one should work.”

Me: “Okay, cool. Could you just repeat one of the numbers for me, then, please?”

Customer: “Don’t get an attitude with me!”

Me: *Confused* “I’m sorry, sir. I wasn’t trying to give you an attitude. I just need you to repeat your phone number for me, please.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t want to order any food from you, now!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I just didn’t quite catch your phone number.”

Customer: “Stop having an attitude! You’re trying to run a business!” *Hangs up*

Me: *Hopelessly confused*

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HDMI Sounds Like How Dumb Am I?

, , , , | Right | July 16, 2021

I have a Smart TV with a cable subscription. There are plugs from the TV and the router that go into the cable box which emanates from the wall. At one point in time, it was set at HDMI 1. My kids keep rearranging the wires as they hook up their Switch and Xbox. I’ve not watched programs that need the cable box — this includes network TV — in months.

I go to watch the first Thursday night game. I start early, mind you, as I expect to have trouble with the setup. I also want to tape the game for my daughter who is out.

The problem is that the box won’t go on. I look and, sure enough, it’s not plugged in. Yet I don’t know what the charger is supposed to look like and I have LOADS of chargers for all sorts of electronics. No one is home to help me. I do see two plugs: one seems to go to the router, the other LOOKS as if it’s plugged into the wall. I do try and unplug the router plug first — I am tired — and manage to disconnect the Internet for ten minutes as it reboots. I rifle through different boxes of plugs and wires to see if it has accidentally been put away as something we had no use for.

The next day, the kids are of no use. I start a chat with customer service so I can get a new charger.

Me: “I need a new charger.”

Chat: “So, I see you are having an issue with your F-SetBox. Can you describe what you are seeing?”

Me: “Yes, I’m having an issue because it’s not plugged in, as I don’t seem to have the charger.”

Chat: “Are you having the issue with only one of your boxes as I see you have two boxes?”

I had forgotten that there was a second one in my daughter’s room; now at least I can see what the charger is supposed to look like. I also think that I can use this charger, so my daughter tries.

Me: “Just the one.”

Chat: “If you read me the serial number, I can get started on ordering you a new one, free of charge.”

I type in the numbers.

In the meantime, my daughter locates a similar plug but sees it “plugged” in and thinks it must be for something different. She then leaves. I look closer at the connection and think that this must be the charger, and that maybe the other end is just jammed. It’s behind a fairly heavy entertainment center which I can just move out enough to unjam and plug in.

The customer service rep asks me to verify my address.

Me: “Please hold off on that. I believe that the cord was just jammed up against the wall, not plugged in elsewhere.”

Chat: “So you’ve found the cord?”

Me: “The F-box seems to be starting now; green lights… blinking…”

Chat: “Are we good now?”

Me: “Please wait until I can get this verified.”

I try to go to HDMI 1 and HDMI 2 but neither works.

Me: “I can’t seem to get HDMI 1 and 2 to work.”

Chat: “Any chance there is an HDMI 3?”

Me: “Yes. It didn’t occur to me to try that.”

I felt like an idiot. Sure enough, HDMI 3 put me into the correct screen. I got a prompt to hit “OK,” but the remote wasn’t working. Apparently, someone had harvested the batteries. The next device I tried to take batteries from was also dead.

I apparently took too long; the chat guy left. I eventually found working batteries.

I also received a free charger.

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Be Careful Who You Step On When You Stamp Out Racism

, , , , , , , | Learning | July 15, 2021

We’re on the train to school camp. I’m playing chess with [Classmate #1]. Meanwhile, [Classmate #2] is chatting with the homeroom teacher of another class.

Classmate #2: *Loudly* “And [Classmate #1] never does his homework.”

Classmate #1: “Huh?!”

Me: “Pot calling the kettle black!”

Classmate #2: “Ah-ha! Everyone, [My Name] is being racist! He called [Classmate #1] black!”

Me: “Oh, s***.”

I forgot that [Classmate #1] is African-American.

Me: “No! I didn’t mean it that way!”

Classmate #1: “Yeah, I know. No offence taken.”

He turns to face [Classmate #2].

Classmate #1: “What do you mean, I never hand in homework, you hypocrite? You’re the one that hands in the least amount of homework in class!”

The argument continues on for a while, but eventually, our own homeroom teacher shuts us all up. She comes up to me afterward.

Teacher: “And what’s this about you being racist?”

Me: “Nothing. It was just a badly-used phrase.”

She frowns a bit and then looks at the chessboard.

Teacher: “When we get back, I want you writing lines about not being racist.”

Me: “Why?! I’m not racist!”

Teacher: “Uh-huh.” *Picks up my queen* “Then why are you making the African-American boy play black?”

Classmate #1: “Hey, I prefer black in chess. I like going second. I chose it.”

Teacher: “Don’t worry. You don’t need to defend him. I’ll sort [My Name] out when we get back to school.”

Me: *Sighs* “I can see that I’m not winning this argument. But I insist that you talk to my father about this.”

Teacher: “Oh, I will. He needs to know that racism is intolerable and that such behaviour will not be tolerated in this school.”

She then flips around the chessboard, such that [Classmate #1] now has white.

Teacher: “And if I see you being racist to anyone ever again, I swear to God that I will find a way to drum your a** out of school faster than you can say ‘goodbye’.”

She smugly trotted off. [Classmate #1] and I sighed and continued playing.

The look on her face when she saw my father a few weeks later was priceless. I looked absurdly like my white mother, so nobody realised that my father was an African-American. Naturally, he disbelieved every single accusation of me being racist and basically ordered [Teacher] to let me off the hook.

She did that, but she always gave me the stink-eye in every homeroom. I was really glad to leave her behind when I graduated.

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