Don’t Waste Your Breathalyzer

, , , | Right | September 1, 2020

I’m working at the front desk of a smallish hotel. Most of our holiday-makers are lovely people, including this one: a single traveler in his early sixties. His only fault is that he is perpetually drunk. The following conversation occurs on the day prior to his departure.

Client: *Speaking in a slur* “Hello, my friend. This might be a silly request. But do you have any of these balloons?”

Me: “Balloons?”

Client: “Yes, these balloons the police have when they stop you on the road and you have to blow into them, so they can see how much alcohol you had.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but not even the pharmacies sell those, because in Spain it would be illegal to have them — apart from the police, that is.”

Client: “I would have thought so. What a shame. It’s because I was talking to my wife and my daughter just a minute ago, and they said that I was drunk. But I’m not drunk. So I only wanted to know how much I’ve had.”

Me: “Well, unfortunately, as I’ve said, we are not allowed to have any breathalyzers.”

The client then stares at me for about ten seconds until he starts to speak again.

Client: “So, you think that I’m drunk?”

Me: *Telling a white lie* “Of course not. You may have had a beer or two. But you’re definitely not drunk.”

He then reaches across the front desk, hugs me, and says:

Client: “Thank you very much. You are a great honorable worker and a good friend.”

Then he started meandering toward the exit, trying to keep his balance.

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He Was Watching “The Danish Girl”

, , , , | Right | August 12, 2020

I’m working at the reception of a smallish hotel on the beautiful island of Mallorca, just six hours by ferry from Barcelona. The following interaction is with a couple who are in their mid-sixties:

Guest: “I can’t log on to the free WiFi. Can you help me?”

Me: “Of course I can. Just give me your laptop.”

I put in the password and connect him to the Internet, his wife all the time eagerly looking over his shoulder. Up comes the last page he had visited, and it is “Busty Danish Teens.” The man turns bright red and slams his laptop shut.

Guest: “Thank you.” 

Guest’s Wife: *Glaring at him* “What was that?” 

Guest: “We’ll talk about it later.”

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Beggars Can’t Be Choosers

, , , | Working | July 16, 2020

I live in a rural village on the edge of a tourist area. This means there’s a lot of competition among the bars and restaurants during the season, but most of them close come winter.

There is one nearby run by a local man and his British wife. There are a number of ex-pats living locally and, as it stays open all year round and the food is pretty good, that may explain why their customer service is so poor; there aren’t many other options for half of the year. It’s common for it to take an hour to ninety minutes for food to arrive; deliberate on their part, we’ve learned, as they figure you’ll spend money on drinks while you’re waiting.

Even if you ask for food at a particular time, it will be late. Some friends of ours booked a birthday dinner at 7:00 pm and got their food at 8:45 pm.

The following is a pretty typical example of what happens every time we visit.

Us: “Could we have one fish and chips, please, one chicken burger, and a lasagne?”

Owner: “We don’t have any fish; [Husband] has gone to do the shopping but I don’t know if he’ll bring any back.”

Us: “Okay, make that a cheeseburger and chips instead, then, please.”

Owner: “We’ve only got one bread roll left. So you can’t have a chicken burger and a cheeseburger. Also, I haven’t made any lasagne.”

Us: “Okay. How about a cheeseburger but without the bread roll; just chips and salad?”

Owner: “I can do that but it will be the same price.”

Us: “That’s fine.”

Two minutes later:

Owner: “I don’t have any burgers.”

Us: “You know what? Just tell us what you do have, and we’ll decide from there.”

If there was anywhere else open within a half-hour drive, we’d go there.

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Unfiltered Story #200660

, | Unfiltered | July 14, 2020

(I’m cleaning the aisles when I get a call from my boss to check on a guy acting suspiciously. He’s a tall man, probably in his mid thirties, dressing with a long trenchcoat, and he seems to be checking the sweetener. As soon as I approach him, the guy starts running towards the door. A coworker and I catch up to him and stop him before he gets too far)

Me: Sir, whatever you got, you have to give it back now.

Man: *looking everywhere nervously* You don’t understand, I need it.

Me: Well, if you need it you’ll have to pay for it.

Man: I can’t, they won’t let me!

Me: They? Who are they?

Man: *takes out three different sweeteners from the coat and gives them to me* You don’t understand. You just don’t understand.

And then he just walked away, leaving me and my companion completely dumbfounded.

Unfiltered Story #199943

, , | Unfiltered | July 7, 2020

My best friend and I returning to America after a three-week trip to Morocco. Our connecting flight to Miami, Florida is in Madrid. After getting off the plane from Tangier, we have to go through security again to get into the Madrid airport. Around the same time, an apparently delayed flight gets in from somewhere else. There is a glass door separating the line from the security machines. My friend and I have been waiting for security for a bit as apparently they can’t run through bags without a supervisor.
The lady working has assured us he’ll get there shortly, but apparently this wasn’t enough for an older man in line behind. He walks up to the glass doors, complaining about missing his next flight, and then proceeds to start hitting the doors with his cane very hard. The employee and another man in line manage to talk him down, but as he goes back to his spot in line he yells at the rest of us that “You’re all sheep! I refuse to stand for this! I’ve got a flight to catch! Go on, stand there and be sheep!” My friend and I just sort of gave each other looks, and I muttered something to her about rather being a sheep and not arrested than a jerk like that.
He continued in this manner for the next minute and very nearly had security called on him. That would really have delayed him! Thankfully, the supervisor showed up very soon after the man’s and my friend and I got through security no problem, though we did stop to tell the poor lady working that she was definitely not at fault. I hope the rest of her day was less exciting than that man and his cane.