(A few weeks ago we were hit by Hurricane Matthew, and a lot of people are calling to make sure it is safe for their upcoming visit. The damage was fairly minimal and cleanup lasted only a few days, but of course news stations are hyping it up for ratings, so a lot of people don’t believe us when we say the city is fine. After dozens of calls repeating the same spiel over and over, I decide to have a little fun with people.)

Caller: *in a very thick southern accent* “Hi, this is [Caller] and I’m calling from Texas. We saw about the hurricane on the news and as we’re visiting your city in a few weeks I just wanted to call and make sure everything was all right for our visit.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we’re still under eight feet of water. I actually had to swim into the office today. On the bright side, we don’t have to worry about traffic!”

(She is silent for a moment, and I’m afraid I may have offended her, but then she bursts out laughing.)

Caller: “You are a Texas joker! You’re funny; you would fit in just fine down here, darling.'”

(She asked me a few more questions about her stay and then concluded the call. The whole situation was incredibly stressful, but that call made my week!)

(I work at a franchise location of a national restaurant chain. After a looong renovation, it has finally reopened as a flagship store for the entire company. Because of this, our owner, district manager, marketing rep, etc. have been there every day during our busy period to help and to work out the kinks. Unfortunately, many of our old staff found other jobs during the six months we were closed, so most of our staff is new, and some are less than stellar employees. One morning, a newer employee calls to say he is going to be late, over two hours after his shift starts. He speaks to a manager with a common name, let’s say Dan. He keeps cutting Dan off and finally hangs up. He calls back a few minutes later, and our district manager — basically the highest authority other than the owners — answers. Our district manager is also named Dan.)

District Manager: “Thank you for calling [Store]; this is Dan.”

(Pause.)

District Manager: “Yes, this is Dan. What’s up, [Employee]?”

(Pause.)

District Manager: “No, you didn’t speak to me earlier… No, you really didn’t… No, I’m not messing with you,[Employee]; you didn’t talk to me… Yes, this is Dan, but I think I’d know if I’d spoken to you in the last ten minutes… You didn’t talk to me, man…”

(Pause.)

District Manager: *perfectly calm* “I’m sorry, but there’s no one here named B****-A**-Motherf***er.” *hangs up*

(The district manager walks over to the other Dan, still completely calm, and says in a conversational tone of voice:)

District Manager: “[Employee] no longer works here.”

(My boyfriend and I have a tricky arrangement where he works almost two hours away and stays there rather than commuting every day. He usually comes home for a long weekend, but something comes up and he has to stay for two weeks.)

Me: “I wish you were here. For snuggling. And smooching.”

Boyfriend: *laughs* “And other things that begin with S?”

Me: “Slow-dancing?”

Boyfriend: “No, the other thing.”

Me: “Supper by candlelight?”

Boyfriend: “Noooo…”

Me: “A sweet sunset stroll, holding handssssssss?”

Boyfriend: “Good alliteration, but no, try again.”

Me: “Wait, did I already say smooching?”

Boyfriend: “Yes.”

Me: “What about esssssssss-kimo kisses?”

Boyfriend: “Wow.”

(I work in the jewelry department of a well-known retailer.)

Me: “Hello! Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “Yeah, we’re looking for cheap watches to take with us on a cruise. Our phones won’t work on the cruise.”

Me: “Oh! You may not be able to call out but you’ll be able to still use it for the time and alarms.”

Customer: *looks at me like I’m stupid* “Umm, no. The phone will not work at all. It won’t be able to even turn on while on the cruise. It’ll be outside its coverage area. They told me that.”

Me: “Well. Okay.”

(Growing up, my father always hated when we ate suckers and other types of food which made us have sticky hands and faces. I never understood the problem with it until I got older. My wife and I decide to allow our young son to have his very first sucker candy. He really starts to go crazy on it, both because of the sugar and because of it helping with his teething. I’m sitting on the couch and I noticed the sticky, sugar spit all over his face… and his hands.)

Me: “Oh, God… He’s so sticky!”

Wife: “Yep! He’s going to get you, Daddy!”

Me: “Noooo… No no no no no! Keep him away from me! That’s gross!”

(My wife just starts laughing and goes to get the baby wipes to start cleaning him off when my son RUNS over to me, forces the slobbery and sticky sucker into my hand, uses my arm to climb up me with this sticky hands, and grabs the sucker back from my hand as I’m sitting there in stunned silence. He proceeds to worm his way behind me, put the sucker in his mouth… and run his hands from my neck into my hair, then pull the sucker out and drum on my bare back with it.)

Me: “EWW! OH, GOD! It’s all over my back!”

(My wife is howling with laughter, trying to get a picture just as my father arrives and sees what is going on, with my son still running the sucker up and down my back, while slapping me with his other sticky hand.)

Father: “YES! JUSTICE! Good job, [Son]!”

(We both got a baby wipe bath after that, and I decided he had enough of the sucker for the day.)

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