(We have a program called MVP where you pay an amount and get movies based on which plan, and never have to pay for the movies at the counter while you have it.)

Me: “Hi, all set?”

Customer: “I have MVP!” *smiles proudly*

Me: “That’s great. I still need your ID…”

Customer: “But I have MVP.”

Me: “So do many other people, I need your ID to look up your account…”

(This went on for a moment more before she finally told me her phone number. Worse part? It was the third time she’s done it.)

Customer: “Yes, I’m calling to complain. Your store has false advertising. You say you have the cheapest [item] prices in town, and I just came from a store that is selling them cheaper.”

Me: “Really? Well let me call, and you can call back in five minutes, okay?”

(I call the store and soon she calls back.)

Customer: “Well?”

Me: “You are correct, We sell for $5.00 and they’re selling for $4.81.”

Customer: “Like I said, false advertisement. I could sue.”

Me: “It’s a $0.19 difference.”

Customer: “With four of those, that would be a dollar!”

Me: “Correction, that would be $0.76. Would you like to sue me for that complete bill or should be round it up to a whole dollar?”

Customer: “I will never shop with you again!”

Me: “There will never be a need.”

Me: “Hello, ma’am, is there anything I can help you find?”

Customer: “Yes. I need to find a book on rodents.”

Me: “Rodents?”

Customer: “Yes, I have some little creature running around my garage and I need to know what it is. I think it might be a vulva.”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “You know, it’s small and looks like a mole or a hamster. A vulva.”

Me: “I think you mean a ‘vole’.”

Customer: “Oh right, that’s it. Do you have any books on voles?”

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(Customer approaches cash desk with two t-shirts with a price tag of $14.99 each. I scan the t-shirts.)

Me: “Oh, they scan at $7.99 each.”

Customer: “The sign on the table where I found them says that they’re 2 for $20.00.”

Me: “I know, but they scan at $7.99.”

Customer: “…but the sign says 2 for $20.00.”

Me: “I know, but head office must have changed the sale and updated the computer before we had a chance to change the sign. So you can buy the shirts for $7.99 each.”

Customer: “I don’t care what price comes up in the computer. The sign says 2 for $20.00 so you have to sell them to me at that price!”

Me: “Okay.”

(I override the $7.99 price in the computer and change it to $10.00. The customer pays two dollars more per shirt than he has to and smugly goes on his way.)

Me: “The Medic Recordings, how may I help you today?”

Customer: “You know why I’m calling! Can I just come?!”

Me: “Ma’am, what’s the problem?”

Customer: “Oh yes I’m sorry, it’s my son. He’s very sick.”

Me: “Ma’am this is a recording studio. Are you sure you dialed the right number?”

Customer: “WHAT?! The phone book says ‘The Medic’!”

Me: “Uh… it says The Medic Recordings, I believe…”

Customer: “This is ridiculous, I don’t care what you are. I’m coming in, my son has a terrible fever!”

Me: “Ma’am I don’t think we could help you–”

Customer: “JUST BE READY!”

*Click*

(Sure enough, she showed up about fifteen minutes later and was obviously drunk because she had no son nor did she know why she came.)