Love Makes Fools Of Us All

, , , , , , | Romantic | July 8, 2019

(I am talking to a guy from the UK. We have a bit of a crush on each other but have never really acted on it due to the distance. One night, we are on Skype talking about how I’m a hopeless romantic and he’s just hopeless at romance.)

Crush: “I don’t know why you say I’m so bad; I always know exactly what to say.”

Me: “You really don’t. Girls like to be complimented and told other nice things.”

Crush: “So, what? I should start spewing Shakespeare or some crap?”

Me: “At this point, it wouldn’t hurt.” 

(He proceeds to launch into actual Shakespeare, quoting Hamlet’s letter to Ophelia, all while looking at me with the sweetest look and speaking sweetly. Anyone that knows me would know that this is a pretty good way to woo me.)

Me: “Wow. That was actually beautiful. I didn’t know you could quote Shakespeare.”

Crush: “Aw, yeah, b****es love Shakespeare.”

Me: “Wow, way to ruin the moment.”

Crush: “Wait, we were having a moment? I want a moment!”

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This Relationship Sounds Exhausting But Really Sweet

, , , , , , | Romantic | June 10, 2019

A friend of mine is in a long-distance relationship. They are both extremely athletic and competitive. A local gym holds a 1-2-3-4 challenge each year. You swim one mile, run two miles, bike three miles, and then do a series of four exercises: 100 pushups, 100 situps, 100 pullups, and 100 squats. It’s a charity event, people can compete in teams or individually, and a lot of people dress up.

My friend and his girlfriend often exercise “together” by video chatting from their home gyms while working out, using Bluetooth headsets to call while running, and sharing their Fitbit data, etc. She says she’ll do the challenge “with him.”

Come the day of the challenge, my friend is frustrated when he can’t get hold of her, but he decides to still go as hard as he can, hoping to be the first to finish/win the challenge.

He ends up coming second to someone dressed as a chicken.

It’s the end of the challenge, and most people are lying around exhausted, my friend included. He’s also super frustrated that he still can’t get a hold of his girlfriend and that not only did he lose, but he lost to a chicken.

He tries calling his girlfriend again, and when he can’t get hold of her, he turns to me and loudly asks, “Why isn’t she answering?!”

At this point, the chicken pulls her head off and answers, “Because I was busy kicking your a**!”

I’ve never seen someone go from exhausted and frustrated to elated so quickly. He jumps up and hugs her, spinning her round.

He then grabs her hand and pulls her out of the gym, and I hear her giggle and say, “Told you I would do the work out with you!”

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Somehow Seriously Suggestive Sentences

, , , , , | Romantic | November 18, 2018

(My boyfriend and I have a tricky arrangement where he works almost two hours away and stays there rather than commuting every day. He usually comes home for a long weekend, but something comes up and he has to stay for two weeks.)

Me: “I wish you were here. For snuggling. And smooching.”

Boyfriend: *laughs* “And other things that begin with S?”

Me: “Slow-dancing?”

Boyfriend: “No, the other thing.”

Me: “Supper by candlelight?”

Boyfriend: “Noooo…”

Me: “A sweet sunset stroll, holding handssssssss?”

Boyfriend: “Good alliteration, but no, try again.”

Me: “Wait, did I already say smooching?”

Boyfriend: “Yes.”

Me: “What about esssssssss-kimo kisses?”

Boyfriend: “Wow.”

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Either Way, You’re Both Just Nuts

, , , , | Romantic | March 16, 2018

(My long-distance boyfriend and I are messaging, asking about each other’s days and so forth. He asks me what I have been doing today. I’ve been working on the same project that I’ve been working on the past several days, so I tell him to guess. After a few deliberately ridiculous guesses, he guesses correctly: I’ve been working on the music for my studio’s upcoming recital.)

Me: “Yes, I was working on music, you nut.”

Boyfriend: *sends emoji of a hazelnut*

Me: “Ooh! Hazelnuts are my favorite nuts!”

Boyfriend: “Wait, I thought I was your favorite nut!”

Me: “Well, cannibalism is frowned upon in most societies.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I hope I’m not your favorite nut to eat.”

Me: “Besides, I said hazelnuts were my favorite nuts. Plural. You’re my favorite nut, singular.”

Boyfriend: “Aw, thanks!”

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Long Distance Is So Easy I Can Do It In My Sleep

, , , , , , | Romantic | December 31, 2017

(At this time my boyfriend and I are long-distance, and both in school. He’s commuting an hour and back to school every day. We video call before going to bed. I share a bedroom, and my roommate lets me know when she’s getting ready for bed so I can end the conversation or move to the living room.)

Roommate: *coming into bedroom* “When are you guys planning to go to sleep?”

Me: “I don’t know. Sweetie, when are you going to sleep?”

Boyfriend: *sounding quite drowsy* “As often as possible.”

Roommate: *cracking up* “That means now.”

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