Telling Porkies, Part 2

, , , | Right | March 30, 2011

Customer: “Is the chicken caesar sandwich vegetarian?”

Me: “No, ma’am. It has chicken in it. But we can substitute tofu if you’d like.”

Customer: “I don’t want tofu. Don’t you have any vegetarian meat?”

Me: “Vegetarian means no meat, ma’am. Would you like a non-vegetarian option?”

Customer: “No, I’m a vegetarian. Your menu says you have vegetarian options.”

Me: “We do have vegetarian options. Anything can be made without meat.”

Customer: “Why don’t you have any vegetarian meat?”

Me: “Are you sure you’re a vegetarian, ma’am?”

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Nemo Would Not Have Survived This One

, , , , , | Right | March 30, 2011

Me: “Hi there. Can I help you find anything today?”

Customer: “My kids need a terrarium or an aquarium for a cub scout project. They have to observe it for thirty days.”

Me: “Well, we don’t have any pre-assembled.”

(I show her a tank, some pre-bagged dirt, plants, etc.)

Customer: “So, could I put a fish in there?”

Me: “Not with the dirt and plants, no.”

Customer: “Can I just stick it in a bowl with water, then?”

Me: “Sure.”

Customer: “Do you have to do anything with it?”

Me: “Feed it and keep the tank clean.”

Customer: “Do I have to do that more than once a month?”

Me: “Well, yes.”

Customer: “How long do those fish live?”

Me: “With proper care, up to a few years.”

Customer: *scoffing* “That’s way too long! They only need to observe it for a month. What do I do with it after that?”

Me: “You could ask your friends or your kids’ friends to see if someone would like to take it.”

Customer: “Can’t I just flush it?”

(I pause, not quite believing she was serious.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, store policy is that animals always come first. Quite honestly, if I knew that’s what you were going to do with it, I would hesitate to sell you a fish.”

Customer: “Oh, don’t worry. I wasn’t going to buy it tonight!”


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A Tale Of Two Stores

, , , , | Right | March 29, 2011

(I sometimes cover shifts in another store in our region. A customer had come in on one of my shifts at the other store. She was mad because we didn’t stock her size in a pair of pants and I had been unable to find another pair in our stock room. She now comes into my normal store the next day.)

Customer: “Do you have these pants in [size]?”

Me: “I can look it up in our system for you.”

Customer: “That’s what the girl at [other store] did. She was so rude and lazy!”

Me: “Was she?”

Customer: “Yes! She said she had them, and then couldn’t find them. She was a real cow.”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, our system is often wrong. I did the best I could to find the pants for you the other day. I’m sorry that you feel that way.”

(The customer then realizes who she’s talking to. She is speechless.)

Me: “Unfortunately, we don’t carry the pants in [size] in this particular store either. So sorry I couldn’t find them again.”

(The customer leaves without a word.)

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Demagnetized But Still Attracting Idiots

, , , , | Right | March 29, 2011

(I run a credit card through and my register can’t read it. I try a few times to be sure. The customer looks concerned, so I feel compelled to explain.)

Me: “It looks like we’re having some issues reading the card. I’ll just enter the numbers manually.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Sometimes cards can be demagnetized or worn. We then have to enter their numbers manually.”

Customer: “Demagnetized?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: *scoffing* “Well, I know my card works!”

Me: “It may have just been demagnetized, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, of course, it was demagnetized! I would make sure it was!”

(The customer remains adamant that her card was demagnetized. She is mistaking the meaning of the word for some sort of card activation. Manually entering the number worked, so I just played along.)

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Air Head Venting

, , , | Right | March 29, 2011

Caller: “Yeah, the vents just turned on really suddenly.”

Me: “The vents turned on suddenly?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Is that a problem? Are you too hot or cold?”

Caller: “No, at the moment I’m fine.”

Me: “So, do you want to give me a call back if there’s a problem?”

Caller: “Sure thing. I’ll keep an eye on the situation.”

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