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If The Paranoia Glove Fits…

, , , , , , , | Right | April 9, 2020

I work at a grocery store. This happens when the panic buying and craziness is going around, although there are no confirmed cases in this state at the time. I am bagging a woman’s groceries, and she is telling the cashier how nervous she is about the outbreak. She’s got rubber gloves on to prove this point.

All of a sudden, I cough slightly, not a big one, though. The woman gives me a look of horror and says, “Stay away from me,” and tells me to go bag somewhere else. I oblige, but she walks past me with her hands up towards me as she leaves the store.

I mean, if you’re that scared of an illness, just put yourself in a giant bubble.

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The Next Marvel Movie Will Be Personal

, , , , , , | Right | September 14, 2019

(Lately, we’ve had an ongoing promo toy giveaway related to a recent major movie release. The toys are called “Marvel Micropopz,” and on the self-checkouts, a screen will appear before the payment options offering one if the purchase qualifies. The message is poorly-worded, and the whole promotion has generally been poorly explained and poorly advertised, so I’ve gotten used to explaining the same things to customers over and over. But when one older gentleman comes up to me after a purchase, his confusion about it really takes the cake.)

Customer: “Hey, there was this message about redeeming points on my register.”

Me: *ready to go into my usual explanations* “Oh, that’s a—”

Customer: “But it wasn’t my name on the screen. It said it was for Marv Mikropovitz or something.”

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Dog-Gone Crazy

, , , , , , | Working | July 26, 2019

(I am leaving shortly on an international trip, and I’m leaving my two dogs at home with a sitter. A few days before my trip, my dog-sitter cancels due to a family emergency and I’m left scrambling to find someone to watch them. I’ve made arrangements for a woman from a dog-sitting website to meet my dogs the same day to make sure it’s a good fit. This is what happens after she arrives at my house.)

Me: “Thanks for coming over. I’ll let you meet [Dog #1] and [Dog #2] separately, and then together. They’ll be really excited to meet you; they love people.”

(I let them each out and then let them out both together. They sniff her, and she doesn’t seem to pet them or act interested at all, so they run off to play together in my room. )

Me: “Okay, so, this is the bedroom you’ll be sleeping in. They need to be fed twice a day and walked at least three to four times a day. I’ll leave emergency contacts for you in the kitchen. Do you have any questions?”

Sitter: “Look, I just can’t handle this. I’m sorry.”

(She then starts to cry. I’m really confused because the dogs have greeted her but not growled or barked, and she looks terrified.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Was it something I said? Are you okay?”

Sitter: “No, it’s the dogs. I’ve always had a fear of dogs, to be honest, and I thought this would be a good way to get past it, but it’s just not for me.”

(Thankfully, I found a sitter that didn’t fear dogs, but I couldn’t understand why she would advertise sitting services for an animal she is afraid of.)

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Rated-M For Mother

, , , , , | Right | June 21, 2019

(A customer is buying a Rated-M game.)

Me: “Are you 17 or older?”

Teenager: “Uh, no.”

Me: “Then you’re going to have to get someone who is to buy this game for you. Legally, I can’t sell it to anyone under 17.”

(He then goes to get his mom.)

Mother: “What? The other [Game Store]s don’t make me do this. They just ask me to confirm I know it’s M-rated. This is so gay…”

Me: *hoping I misheard her* “I’m sorry for the inconvenience, ma’am, but it’s the law.”

(As the PIN-pad asks the customer to type in their PIN, the son reaches to do it.)

Me: “Unfortunately, she has to enter the PIN, as well. You could just whisper it to her, or…”

(I’m interrupted by the son grabbing his mom’s hand and physically entering the PIN that way.)

Mother: *laughing* “Wow, that’s gay. I can’t believe I have to do this!” *turns to her daughter, also with her* “Isn’t this gay?”

(As the receipt prints, I’m supposed to tell them about a survey at the bottom, but instead, I put on my fakest smile and just silently hand it to her as I hear her continue to talk about how “gay” it is that she follows the law.)

Me: *a gay man* “Have a nice day, ma’am.”

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She’s Grown On Me

, , , , , | Friendly | April 11, 2019

(I’m at one of the largest, most popular dining halls on campus. It’s not unusual for younger kids — siblings visiting or professor’s children — to be there, as well. I am going to grab something from the salad bar when I see a girl, probably around seven, trying to reach one of the glasses for a drink. There aren’t that many left and they are all pushed to the back of the counter, and she’s struggling to reach one. I walk over and grab one for her.)

Me: “Here, hun.”

Girl: “Thanks!”

(A minute later, while I’m still close by to her as she fills her glass, I see who I assume to be her father walk up to her. He sees the glass at her hand and looks over at the pile of glasses, which are obviously out of her grasp.)

Man: “Oh, did a grownup get that for you?”

Girl: *shaking her head and pointing to me* “No, she did.”

(The girl’s dad and I made eye contact and we both laughed. I guess at twenty I still wasn’t a grownup!)

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