She’s Grown On Me

, , , , , | Friendly | April 11, 2019

(I’m at one of the largest, most popular dining halls on campus. It’s not unusual for younger kids — siblings visiting or professor’s children — to be there, as well. I am going to grab something from the salad bar when I see a girl, probably around seven, trying to reach one of the glasses for a drink. There aren’t that many left and they are all pushed to the back of the counter, and she’s struggling to reach one. I walk over and grab one for her.)

Me: “Here, hun.”

Girl: “Thanks!”

(A minute later, while I’m still close by to her as she fills her glass, I see who I assume to be her father walk up to her. He sees the glass at her hand and looks over at the pile of glasses, which are obviously out of her grasp.)

Man: “Oh, did a grownup get that for you?”

Girl: *shaking her head and pointing to me* “No, she did.”

(The girl’s dad and I made eye contact and we both laughed. I guess at twenty I still wasn’t a grownup!)

A Hitchcock Thriller

, , , , | Right | January 28, 2019

(I am working as a waitress at a restaurant when a woman comes in. My boss pulls me to the side and tells me that if I help the woman, to write down everything that she wants as she is a notoriously picky eater. I take the woman’s drink order and begin clearing off the table next to her while I wait for her to decide what she’d like to eat. As I am cleaning, she looks over at me.)

Customer: “Is your last name Hitchcock?”

Me: *confused* “No, ma’am, my last name is [My Last Name].”

(The customer then proceeds to tell me in detail how I look exactly like Alfred Hitchcock’s daughter, from the shape of my face to the way I smile. I nod and play along, but am trying so hard not to laugh that it hurts. Every time I go near her table, the woman marvels that I look just like Alfred Hitchcock’s daughter. When she’s getting ready to leave, the customer comes up to me.)

Customer: “You know, you should really submit your picture to [some organization that apparently takes pictures of people who look like celebrities]. Just make sure that the picture shows from here to here–” *she gestures from the top of my head to about my navel* “–and shows the contours of your arms. Oh, and make sure to take one with your glasses and without your glasses.”

(I assured her that I would, though I had absolutely no intention of doing so. Satisfied, the woman finally left. Later, I looked up a picture of Pat Hitchcock. I look absolutely nothing like her.)

True Love Defeats All Obstacles… Except For Ex-Bosses

, , , , , , , | Friendly | January 21, 2019

(I used to work at a historic museum giving tours of the dungeon. I left to pursue a full-time job in my home state, but a few months ago I returned to the city to visit friends and had this conversation with a former coworker. It should also be noted that I tend to have very low self-esteem and have terrible luck in the dating department.)

Coworker: “Oh, by the way, we were going through the comment cards on the dungeon tours, and apparently, a lot of people liked you!”

Me: “Oh, good! I really enjoyed giving the tours.”

Coworker: “Yeah, apparently, you got a bunch of phone numbers, too.”

Me: “Wait. What?”

Coworker: “Yeah, I guess a lot of people thought you were cute and wanted to give you their number.”

Me: “Did you save the comment cards?”

Coworker: “No, [Boss] threw them away.”

Me: “[Coworker]! This could have been my only chance at true love! My soulmate could have been in those cards, and you threw them away!

Coworker: “Hey, don’t blame me! It was [Boss]!”

(The boss’s wife, who lives above the museum, comes in with their toddler.)

Boss’s Wife: “Hey, [My Name]! Long time no see!”

Me: “YOUR HUSBAND IS STANDING IN THE WAY OF TRUE LOOOOOVE!”

Boss’s Wife: “We missed you, too.”

Not Clued Up On This Whole Military Racket

, , , , , , , | Working | January 5, 2019

This is a story my mom told me about one of her friends from years ago. Her friend was working part-time on a Navy base giving out equipment to service members using the sporting facilities — tennis courts, pool, gym, etc. The service member would have to sign in with their name and rank.

One time she had an older gentleman come up and he signed his rank as “R.A.” She saw that and said, “You look a little old to be a Radioman’s Assistant.” He looked at her and said, “That’s Rear Admiral.” She said, “Uh, well, here’s your tennis racket, Admiral. Enjoy your game.”

She made sure she wasn’t there when he brought the racket back.

A Hurricane Of The Same Call  

, , , , , | Right | November 18, 2018

(A few weeks ago we were hit by Hurricane Matthew, and a lot of people are calling to make sure it is safe for their upcoming visit. The damage was fairly minimal and cleanup lasted only a few days, but of course news stations are hyping it up for ratings, so a lot of people don’t believe us when we say the city is fine. After dozens of calls repeating the same spiel over and over, I decide to have a little fun with people.)

Caller: *in a very thick southern accent* “Hi, this is [Caller] and I’m calling from Texas. We saw about the hurricane on the news and as we’re visiting your city in a few weeks I just wanted to call and make sure everything was all right for our visit.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we’re still under eight feet of water. I actually had to swim into the office today. On the bright side, we don’t have to worry about traffic!”

(She is silent for a moment, and I’m afraid I may have offended her, but then she bursts out laughing.)

Caller: “You are a Texas joker! You’re funny; you would fit in just fine down here, darling.'”

(She asked me a few more questions about her stay and then concluded the call. The whole situation was incredibly stressful, but that call made my week!)

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