A Hitchcock Thriller

, , , , | Right | January 28, 2019

(I am working as a waitress at a restaurant when a woman comes in. My boss pulls me to the side and tells me that if I help the woman, to write down everything that she wants as she is a notoriously picky eater. I take the woman’s drink order and begin clearing off the table next to her while I wait for her to decide what she’d like to eat. As I am cleaning, she looks over at me.)

Customer: “Is your last name Hitchcock?”

Me: *confused* “No, ma’am, my last name is [My Last Name].”

(The customer then proceeds to tell me in detail how I look exactly like Alfred Hitchcock’s daughter, from the shape of my face to the way I smile. I nod and play along, but am trying so hard not to laugh that it hurts. Every time I go near her table, the woman marvels that I look just like Alfred Hitchcock’s daughter. When she’s getting ready to leave, the customer comes up to me.)

Customer: “You know, you should really submit your picture to [some organization that apparently takes pictures of people who look like celebrities]. Just make sure that the picture shows from here to here–” *she gestures from the top of my head to about my navel* “–and shows the contours of your arms. Oh, and make sure to take one with your glasses and without your glasses.”

(I assured her that I would, though I had absolutely no intention of doing so. Satisfied, the woman finally left. Later, I looked up a picture of Pat Hitchcock. I look absolutely nothing like her.)

True Love Defeats All Obstacles… Except For Ex-Bosses

, , , , , , , | Friendly | January 21, 2019

(I used to work at a historic museum giving tours of the dungeon. I left to pursue a full-time job in my home state, but a few months ago I returned to the city to visit friends and had this conversation with a former coworker. It should also be noted that I tend to have very low self-esteem and have terrible luck in the dating department.)

Coworker: “Oh, by the way, we were going through the comment cards on the dungeon tours, and apparently, a lot of people liked you!”

Me: “Oh, good! I really enjoyed giving the tours.”

Coworker: “Yeah, apparently, you got a bunch of phone numbers, too.”

Me: “Wait. What?”

Coworker: “Yeah, I guess a lot of people thought you were cute and wanted to give you their number.”

Me: “Did you save the comment cards?”

Coworker: “No, [Boss] threw them away.”

Me: “[Coworker]! This could have been my only chance at true love! My soulmate could have been in those cards, and you threw them away!

Coworker: “Hey, don’t blame me! It was [Boss]!”

(The boss’s wife, who lives above the museum, comes in with their toddler.)

Boss’s Wife: “Hey, [My Name]! Long time no see!”

Me: “YOUR HUSBAND IS STANDING IN THE WAY OF TRUE LOOOOOVE!”

Boss’s Wife: “We missed you, too.”

Not Clued Up On This Whole Military Racket

, , , , , , , | Working | January 5, 2019

This is a story my mom told me about one of her friends from years ago. Her friend was working part-time on a Navy base giving out equipment to service members using the sporting facilities — tennis courts, pool, gym, etc. The service member would have to sign in with their name and rank.

One time she had an older gentleman come up and he signed his rank as “R.A.” She saw that and said, “You look a little old to be a Radioman’s Assistant.” He looked at her and said, “That’s Rear Admiral.” She said, “Uh, well, here’s your tennis racket, Admiral. Enjoy your game.”

She made sure she wasn’t there when he brought the racket back.

A Hurricane Of The Same Call  

, , , , , | Right | November 18, 2018

(A few weeks ago we were hit by Hurricane Matthew, and a lot of people are calling to make sure it is safe for their upcoming visit. The damage was fairly minimal and cleanup lasted only a few days, but of course news stations are hyping it up for ratings, so a lot of people don’t believe us when we say the city is fine. After dozens of calls repeating the same spiel over and over, I decide to have a little fun with people.)

Caller: *in a very thick southern accent* “Hi, this is [Caller] and I’m calling from Texas. We saw about the hurricane on the news and as we’re visiting your city in a few weeks I just wanted to call and make sure everything was all right for our visit.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we’re still under eight feet of water. I actually had to swim into the office today. On the bright side, we don’t have to worry about traffic!”

(She is silent for a moment, and I’m afraid I may have offended her, but then she bursts out laughing.)

Caller: “You are a Texas joker! You’re funny; you would fit in just fine down here, darling.'”

(She asked me a few more questions about her stay and then concluded the call. The whole situation was incredibly stressful, but that call made my week!)

Clearing Out Your Clearance Scam

, , , , | Right | November 14, 2018

(I am a cashier. Our clearance items have red barcode stickers that go over our store’s regular barcode stickers. We get a lot of people that try to switch the tickets around, so we always have to check to make sure that the item numbers match on both of the stickers. I get a customer who brings a bunch of clearance items to my register. Upon examination, nearly all of them have clearance tickets that don’t go with the item, and it’s obvious that most of them have been tampered with. Normally, if a customer comes up with tickets that don’t match on an item, it’s only one, maybe two items per order. This woman has about ten items with clearance stickers that don’t go with the items. I call over my coworker who works in the department the customer got her items from, and we begin to look up the items in our system to see if they are on clearance and just have the wrong ticket, or are not on clearance at all. Most of the items are not on clearance. The customer becomes furious when we tell her this, saying that we “should just give her the items for the price she found them at.” It is blatantly obvious that she switched the tickets around to get herself a better deal, not knowing that we must look at the clearance tickets and remove them if they don’t match. Finally, the customer leaves the store, leaving behind most of the “clearance” items that she brought up with her. Once she is gone, I turn to the coworker who was helping me.)

Me: “[Coworker], I’m pretty sure she switched most of the tickets herself.”

Coworker: “Oh, I don’t doubt it. And if today had been my last day, I would have let her know that, too.”

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