Lindsay Lohan Is Bad For Your Health

, , , | Right | April 1, 2011

(A customer approaches the counter with a very thick accent.)

Customer: “Do you have the herpes?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “Do you have the herpes? For the kids?”

Me: “I… uh…”

Customer: “You know? The herpes? Beep beep? Lindsay Lohan?”

Me: “Oh! Yes! We have Herbie Fully Loaded with Lindsay Lohan. It’s rented out. Can I call you when it’s returned?”

Customer: “You call me when you have the Herpes, yes!”

(The movie is eventually returned. I call the customer to let him know. His wife answers.)

Me: “Hi, this is the movie you reserved was just returned.”

Caller: “Oh! The Herpes! I send my husband. The kids so happy!”

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Physician, Heal Thyself

, , , | Right | March 31, 2011

Caller: “Hi, do you have any reports by Dr. Smith?”

Me: “Certainly. On what patient?”

Caller: “Not specific ones.”

Me: “Oh. So you need all Dr. Smith’s most recent reports?”

Caller: “Not necessarily recent.”

Me: “So, not specific patients, not specific dates. Do you want all his reports, ever?”

Caller: “I think. I don’t know. Okay.” *hangs up*

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An Alarming Turn Of Events

, , , , | Right | March 31, 2011

Me: “Thank you for calling [security services].”

Customer: “My keypad keeps beeping and saying low battery. What does that mean?”

(I run through some basic troubleshooting. After about ten minutes, we still can’t find the problem.)

Me: “Well, sir, I’m not exactly sure why your system is doing this. I’ll be happy to send a technician out there for you.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. By the way, my keypad seems to be on fire. Is that a bad thing?”

Me: “Yes, sir. That is really bad. Do you want me to call the fire department?”

Customer: “Oh, no. I don’t think that’s necessary, do you?”

Me: “Well, the fire may spread up the wall if it doesn’t get put out. I’d recommend spraying it with a fire extinguisher if you don’t want the fire department to come out.”

Customer: “I can’t do that!”

Me: “Why not? Do you not have a fire extinguisher?”

Customer: “No, I do! But I don’t want to be liable for damaging the alarm system by putting out the fire!”

Me: “Sir, I’m going to just hang up now and call the fire department. I’d really recommend you go outside and wait for them.”

Customer: “You know, I don’t understand why you think this is such a big deal, young lady!”

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Data Protection Can Be Hellish

, , , , | Right | March 30, 2011

(I notice a very well-dressed woman checking out laptops.)

Me: “Can I help you with anything, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yes, please. Could you tell me about the facial password feature on these laptops?”

Me: “Sure. Certain laptops we carry can use the webcam to recognize several facial features unique to each person. Eye distance, mouth width, things like that.”

Customer: “Well then, that’s it.”

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “The apocalypse is coming.”

Me: “The apocalypse?”

Customer: “Yes. See, the Bible says that when the government starts taking over our personal lives, the apocalypse will come.”

Me: “Ma’am, this has nothing to do with the government. It’s just another security feature.”

(She pats me on the shoulder.)

Customer: “That’s okay, son. I speak to God every day. I’m glad to know that when I’m up in heaven, you’ll be down here burning in Hell.”

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I Have A Dream And A Voice

, , , | Right | March 30, 2011

Customer: “I think I was just in the wrong theater.”

Me:The King’s Speech? No, that was the right one.”

Customer: “It’s just been all these British people talking.”

Me: “Yes. The King’s Speech.”

Customer: “But, isn’t it about Martin Luther King Jr.?”

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