I’m a substitute school bus driver. While most students behave well on the bus, there are a few who have some trouble.

One day, I have a thirteen-year-old student yelling and being disruptive. After a few warnings to keep conversations quieter, I pull the bus over onto the shoulder and walk back to him.

Me: “It’s getting awfully loud back here; I need you to come and sit closer to me. You can make sure I’m following the route correctly.”

Usually, giving disruptive students a “job” helps them behave better.

Student: “Okay, fine.”

He follows me to a seat near the front, but instead of having fun telling a grown-up what to do like most other students, he continues to annoy the other students around him. I decide to try distracting him.

Me: “[Student], do you know what the loudest animal in the world is?”

Student: “No, I give up.”

Me: “Blue whale. Do you know how long it takes light to travel from the sun to Earth?”

Student: “No, but do you know what a Deinonychus is?”

Me: “That’s my favorite dinosaur — a dromaeosaur discovered in the 1960s by John Ostrom that revolutionized the way we view dinosaurs as active, warm-blooded animals. I know what it is, yes. And it takes almost eight and a half minutes for sunlight to reach Earth.”

Student: “Um… What about Stygimoloch?”

Me: “A Cretaceous ornithopod that’s recently been thought to be a juvenile form of Pachycephalosaurus rather than a distinct species.”

[Student] is no longer disruptive, just curious.

Student: “How did you know that?”

Me: *Friendly tone* “I’m wearing Triceratops earrings and a Tyrannosaurus necklace. I like dinosaurs. You can’t out-dinosaur me, but you’re welcome to try.”

He was indeed unable to stump me on dinosaur facts, but trying kept him distracted until we got to his bus stop!

This story is part of our Best Of October 2020 roundup!

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I work at a carwash and it’s the prime of winter. We usually close when the temps get below a certain temp to avoid car damages and upset customers, but the company decided we won’t be closing for that anymore. Apparently, money is more important than safety and quality.

It’s about thirteen degrees outside, I just opened up, and my first customer was right there waiting for us to do so. She purchases her wash and goes through, and when she pulls around to vacuum, she notices that ice has formed on her wheels and back windshield. She slams her door, throws down the vacuum hose, and stomps up to the office.

Customer: “I paid [total] and your wash put ice all over my car! I want my money back! You shouldn’t be open for business if you can’t control the ice, you f****** moron! What kind of place is this?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t control the temps any more than you can. It is thirteen degrees outside and we use water to clean your vehicle. Water freezes at or below thirty-two degrees, so I’m just confused as to why you’re confused. I’ll give you your money back, however, as I guess with the heat blaring in your car you maybe forgot we’re in the middle of winter?”

Customer: “It’s not my job as the customer to know what temperature water will freeze at, nor is it my job to know when to wash my car and when not to! You say all this like it’s just common sense, and it’s not!”

Me: “You’re absolutely right. Here’s your money. Have a great day and come back to see us when it warms up!”

She rolled her eyes at me, snatched the money out of my hand, and stomped off back to her car. She got to her car and tried to open the door and it wouldn’t budge. She tried all the doors and none of them would budge. They were frozen shut! 

I was amazed that she didn’t stomp back up to me and say it was all my fault and I needed to pay to have her towed. But she didn’t. She stood out there in the cold waiting for a tow truck to arrive in her shameful karma.

I did wave for her to come up front and I was going to offer for her to sit in the heated office until the tow truck arrived, but she flipped me the bird when she saw me waving.

I sell tickets for an Orlando theme park complex. A woman with two teenage-looking kids comes to my window. I barely get a chance to start my opening pleasantries when she interrupts.

Tourist: *Already grouchy* “I want three tickets for one park.”

Me: “I can absolutely do that. Was there anything specific you guys were hoping to see today?”

Tourist: *Angrier* “Just this park.”

Me: “Okay, so just to make sure we’re on the same page, [Second Park] has [rides]. We’re okay with skipping all of that today and staying just at [First Park], is that right?”

Tourist: “YES! We’re going to [Second Park] tomorrow!”

Me: “Oh, do you have your tickets for tomorrow already?”

The tourist is not quite yelling but very angry at this point.

Tourist: “No, we’ll get them tomorrow!”

Me: “Actually, it would be cheaper to—”

Tourist: “NO! Just shut up and do what I tell you!”

Me: “Oookay, then…”

I don’t even try to hide the sarcastically sweet “perky customer service voice” as I did exactly that. Lady, I hope you’re reading this. The price of three two-day tickets is over $150 less than the price of six one-day tickets. And on top of that, we had a “buy two days, get three days free” promotion that I was going to offer… but aren’t you glad I just shut up and did what you told me to?

I run a dog grooming business. A man walks in with his dog, who is coated in something brown. I pray it’s just mud but as he gets closer, I can smell that it’s not.

Me: *Trying not to gag* “Hello, sir.”

Man: “Rodger needs a bath.”

Me: “I see.”

Man: “He rolled in s***.”

Me: “Yes, I see.”

Man: “You can get him clean?”

Me: “I can do that.”

He hands me Rodger’s leash, which is thankfully clean, and walks away. An hour later, the man returns and collects his dog. He thanks me, pays, and leaves.

The next day, I arrive to find a voicemail from Rodger’s owner. He demands his money back. I call him to find out what happened.

Man: “Yes?”

Me: “Hello. This is [My Name] from [Groomer]. You were unhappy with Rodger’s bath?”

Man: “Yes! He’s covered in s***!”

Me: *Confused* “He is?”

Man: “Yes!”

Me: “I don’t understand. He was clean when he left me.”

Man: “And he went and rolled in s*** again! I want my money back!”

Me: “Um… No, I’m not refunding you because you allowed your dog to get dirty again.”

Man: “Yes, you will! He’s dirty!”

Me: “Then maybe you shouldn’t leave him unattended.”

Man: “I want my money back!”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way, sir, but I did bathe your dog and you were happy with it when you left. So I will not be refunding you.”

Man: “I’m calling the police!” *Hangs up*

I never heard from the police, nor that man, again.

I’ve loved hot tea since I was young, but it took me a while to realize this was not common in the southern United States. My family and I are driving back from the beach and stop at a small roadside diner for breakfast. I’m about twelve at the time.

Waitress: “And what would you like to drink?”

Me: “What kind of tea do you have?”

Waitress: “Sweet or unsweet.”

Me: “No, I meant hot teas, like green tea.”

The waitress gives me a confused look.

Me: “Do you have hot tea?”

Waitress: *More confused look* “Well, I guess I can put some iced tea in the microwave for you if you want.”

Me: *Long pause* “You know what, that’s okay. I’ll just have orange juice, please.”