The Cheese Has Melted And So Have Our Hearts

, , , , , , | Right | December 11, 2019

(My husband and I are at a restaurant we go to every month or so. We almost always get the same thing, so we order without looking at the menu, including an appetizer that’s a sort of breadstick bite, which is supposed to come with two types of sauce to dip.)

Server: “Oh, I’m sorry, they just discontinued those.”

Me: “Oh, no! Well, bad luck for us. We can just get regular breadsticks then.”

Server: “Well, if you like, I can see if they’ll still make them for you? They might still have everything we need.”

Husband: “We really don’t want to be a pain.”

Server: “I promise you aren’t! Just let me check with the kitchen first.”

(She returns shortly after and says the kitchen can make the appetizer easily, but it will only have the marinara sauce to dip, not the cheese sauce, which we are fine with since we only ever eat the marinara anyway. We thank her profusely, and a little while later we get our appetizer. All is well, and then a woman comes running out of the kitchen with a small plate.)

Employee: “Here you go! We tried to make you the cheese sauce anyway with what we had.”

Husband: “Oh, you didn’t have to do that!”

Employee: “No, no, we wanted to! It, um, might not be very good though, but we thought we’d try.”

(She dropped the plate and hurried off. When we looked we had to laugh. The sauce is supposed to be a kind of garlicky beer cheese sauce for dipping. What they brought us was what looked like quite literally just a block of melted cheddar cheese with a handful of garlic on top, quickly congealing back into a grease-covered lump. To be polite, we did TRY to eat it since they went through the trouble for us, but it really was terrible. The whole thing was hysterical, though, and we were touched that they went through the effort to first accommodate us with the appetizer, and then TRIED to make the sauce even if the result was mostly inedible. We tipped generously and sent an email in to the company website telling them how great their staff at this location was. They may not be able to improvise a cheese sauce on the spot, but at least they cared enough to try!)

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Fire All Of Them Just To Be Sure

, , , , , , | Right | November 25, 2019

(I work in the customer service center of a major theme park. My coworkers and I only deal with problems related to our particular park, and not any other parks or properties owned by our company. I get a call.)

Me: “You’ve reached the [Theme Park] customer service center. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “You need to fire [Extremely Common Male First Name]!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “[First Name]. You need to fire him right now!”

Me: “I’m sorry your experience with us was not what you were expecting. Could you tell me a little more about the problem you’re having?”

Caller: “[First Name] was rude to me! I demand you fire him!”

Me: “I’m afraid I’ll need a little more information before I can help you, ma’am.”

Caller: *raising her voice* “[First Name]! [FIRST NAME]! HE WAS RUDE TO ME! FIRE HIM!”

(I feel like I probably shouldn’t humor her by checking our employee database, but I do anyway.)

Me: “Ma’am, there are 27 employees of our park with that name. I’m not sure which [First Name] has been giving you a problem.”

Caller: “It wasn’t in your park, you idiot! It was in the restaurant!”

Me: “Which restaurant?”

Caller: “THE RESTAURANT! THE ONE ON [STREET]!”

(The street she names is several blocks from the edge of our company’s property.)

Me: “Wait a moment. You’re calling the [Theme Park] service line to complain about an employee of some other business?”

Caller: “[Our Company] owns this whole state! Everyone knows that! Now you need to fire that rude boy!”

Me: “[Our Company] does not own that restaurant, ma’am. I suggest you speak to the manager of the restaurant because there’s nothing I can do for you.”

Caller: “Listen to me, you key-pushing nitwit. Do you have any idea how much I spent on my [Our Company] vacation? [Five-digit amount]! Everyone knows that if you spend [less than what she claims to have spent] then you’re entitled to a superior level of service! [First Name] was rude to me and he must get what he deserves!

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t help you with that.”

Caller: “Then let me speak to your boss! I’ll have him fire [First Name] and you, too, or else I’ll just take my [amount of money she claims to have spent] to [Rival Theme Park Company], instead!”

Me: “I’ll be happy to transfer you to my supervisor, although he’s currently in a meeting with the head of our division and it might be several minutes before he can take your call.”

Caller: “NO! THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE! I SPENT [AMOUNT] ON MY VACATION! YOU GO TELL YOUR BOSS HE’S GOING TO LOSE MY BUSINESS! I’LL GET HIM FIRED, TOO!”

Me: “If you continue to threaten our employees, ma’am, I’m going to disconnect this call.”

Caller: “Why are you protecting [First Name], anyway, huh?! Is he your boyfriend or something?!”

Me: “WHAT?”

Caller: “It all makes sense now! Trash boys always date trash girls!”

Me: “The [Company] is grateful for your business and hopes your experience with us was truly magical.” *hangs up*

(That night in our break room, I overhear this conversation between two of my coworkers.)

Coworker #1: “And then I got this angry lady on the line demanding to speak to [First Name]’s girlfriend. She just screamed gibberish at me for like three minutes straight.”

Coworker #2: “Wait a minute, you got her, too? ‘I spent [amount] on my vacation and you need to fire [First Name] and his trash girlfriend’?”

Coworker #1: “That’s her, dude.”

Coworker #2: “Ugh. I hung up on her after like two minutes. She kept saying we were conspiring to protect these ‘trash’ people and threatening to get me fired.”

Me: “I guess the phrase ‘first available representative’ is lost on some people.”

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Ordering A Cake For Admiral Longsword

, , , , , , | Right | November 17, 2019

(I pick up the phone and get treated to this conversation:)

Me: “[Bakery]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Uh, yeah, my friends and I wanted to order a sheet cake for our buddies who are coming back from serving overseas in the army.”

Me: “All right, let me just get some information from you.”

(I ask him for details about what kind of cake he wants and he answers.)

Customer: “And you can write a message on the cake, right?”

Me: “Yeah. What do you want it to say?”

Customer: “Okay, we want it to say, ‘Thanks for standing tall and proud…'”

(I think I can hear him snickering slightly, which confuses me.)

Customer: “‘Your long, hard ordeal is finally over.'”

(Now, I can hear other people in the background trying to stifle laughter.)

Customer: “And then we… And then we want their names written on it.”

Me: *not buying it anymore* “Uh-huh.”

Customer: “Staff Sergeant Rod Johnson, Private Jimmy Wang, Rifleman Dick Peters, Gunner’s Mate Willy Cox.”

(The guy on the phone and his buddies were all cracking up.)

Me: “Aren’t you forgetting Schmuck Phallusworth? Or is that who I’m speaking to?”

(Bellows of outrageous laughter erupted from the phone before I hung up.)

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Since This Story Was Written, Disney Bought Everything  

, , , , , , | Right | October 19, 2019

(I am a manager, working near an employee checking bags at a movie theater. They approach an elderly female guest.)

Employee: “Hello, ma’am, we have a bag check policy here; I do need to check your bag.”

Guest: “Are you Disney certified?”

Employee: “I’m sorry… What?”

Guest: “This is Florida. You need to be certified by Disney to check bags. Can I talk to your manager?”

Me: “I’m right here, ma’am. You don’t need to be certified by Disney to do anything. We need to check your bag.”

Guest: “Not until you prove you’re Disney certified. It’s required.”

Me: “Where are you from?”

Guest: “Jersey.”

Me: “Well, here in Florida, Disney doesn’t own everything yet. So, until then, we need to check your bag or it can’t come in.”

(Hidden in her bag: raisinets, snow caps, four bottles of water, one bottle of Sprite, a bag of hot fries, and peach gummies.)

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Infarction Infraction

, , , , , , | Healthy | September 29, 2019

(I am on vacation with my family, and my fianceé and I have gone to one of several theme parks in the area. I have a medical condition that can cause severe heart palpitations, which can cause me to lose consciousness for a few minutes. We are standing in line for a ride when I begin to feel off; I know I’m about to have a bad episode and I tell my fianceé that I need to sit down. She understands and helps me get out of line, but we don’t make it far before I lose consciousness. As I am taller than she is — I’m 6’4” and she is 5’3” — she is unable to help me once I’m out and I fall to the ground. I wake up a few minutes later to the sound of my fianceé arguing with someone I don’t know.)

Fiancé: “Stop touching him like that! He doesn’t need CPR!”

Woman: “Of course he does! I’m a nurse and I know what a heart attack looks like!”

Me: *still very dazed* “What’s going on?”

(As I try to sit up, I’m forced back down onto the concrete.)

Fiancé: “Enough! Heart palpitations and heart attacks may look similar but they aren’t! If he was having a heart attack, he’d have the classic symptoms! He passed out because he has [specific medical condition]! Look at his medical alert bracelet, for f***’s sake!”

Woman: “People who have [specific medical condition] usually have an alert dog, and he doesn’t. Now let someone with actual medical training work!” *turns to me* “Now, son, you’re having a heart attack. I need you to calm your breathing down and–”

(By now, I’ve regained consciousness enough to know what is going on. I am still dazed, as I usually am after an episode, but I know this woman is full of it.)

Me: *sits up slowly, glaring at the woman before raising my medical alert bracelet* “I have [specific medical condition]. We are on holiday and I couldn’t bring my alert dog with me because she didn’t get her shots in time. Now, if you would kindly f*** off, all I want is some water and ice because I smacked my head when I fell.”

Woman: “How dare you speak to me like that?! I know what’s best for you! I’m a nurse!”

Me: “With all respect, kindly go f*** yourself. Any nurse would know the difference between palpitations and an infarction. I don’t know who you are, but if you try to do anything to me, I’m getting someone to call security and I’ll press charges.”

(The woman proceeded to yell, “I’m a nurse! I know what I’m doing!” and continued to scold my fianceé and me for “lying.” Security was called — by pro staff — and she was escorted away.)

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