Guest: “I’d like to return this toaster.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, do you have a receipt for the purchase dated within ninety days?”

Guest: “No.”

Me: “Okay, well you can’t return it then. However, if you have an ID you can exchange it for an item of equal or lesser value from the same department.”

Guest: “But I don’t want to exchange it. I want my money.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry but if you don’t have a receipt, you can’t return the item.”

Guest: “[Other Store Name] would take it back!”

Another Guest In Line: “Excuse me, I work there and, no we wouldn’t!”

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(I was a cashier at a local grocery store one summer. At 9:00 every night, it was the bagboy’s duty to clean the store… which included vacuuming the rugs in front of the automatic doors. One night, about 8-8:30, an elderly lady comes in and sits by the doors.)

Me: “Hello! How are you tonight? Do you need any assistance?”

Lady: “No, I’m fine. I’m just going to sit here.”

Me: “Okay, then.”

(She sits there until about 9:00 until a bagboy comes out with a vacuum cleaner. He proceeds to do his job.)

Lady: “AAAH! What is that? What is that horrible noise? I can’t take it! I can’t take it!” *Walks up to the bagboy* “What are you doing? Stop it! Stop it!”

Bagboy: “I’m just vacuuming the rugs…”

Lady: “Stop it! I can’t take this noise! Why are you doing this?!”

Me & the other cashiers: “…”

(She went back to sit down and didn’t leave until late. Our managers came out and forbade the bagboys from vacuuming while she was there. For a couple more times that week she came in at 8:00 and if some bagboy even brought out the vacuum cleaner, unaware of who she was, they got an earful about the horrible noise that afflicts her.)

Customer: “Miss, do you serve Chinese food at this restaurant?”

Me: “Um… no, we serve mainly bar food, hamburgers and that sort of thing.”

Customer: *irritated and skeptical, points at one of the servers* “Yeah, but he’s Chinese.”

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Customer: “I need six frozen pizzas as big as tires!”

Me: “I don’t think we sell pizza that big, sir…”

Customer: “Oh come on! I’ve got two flats and only one spare and I don’t wanna call a tow-truck!”

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid that won’t work…”

Customer: “Fine! Be ridiculous! I’m going somewhere else! If Tom Slick could do it, why can’t I?”

Manager: “Holy crap! Sometimes I swear these idiots do these things on purpose!”

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(We had sent this lady’s watch to another company, and they ended up taking a very long time with it. Two weeks before this incident she called demanding that we call them and have them send her watch back whether it was fixed or not. My manager told her that it would only take two more days, but she insisted. This happened when she came to pick it up.)

Assistant Manager: “Okay, here’s your watch, I’m sorry about that.”

Customer: “It’s not fixed!”

Assistant Manager: “Yes, you told us to call them and have them send it back whether it was fixed or not. They were almost done making a new dial for it.”

Customer: *Ranting* “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU PEOPLE! YOU ARE SO RUDE. I’M CALLING MY LAWYER!”

Assistant Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am that’s all I can do.”

Customer: *begins to walk off, still ranting* “I’M CALLING MY LAWYER.”

(She rounds the corner and then in one last salvo comes back.)

Customer: “I AM CALLING THE NEWS!”