(We are in Ancient History, learning about Alexander the Great. My teacher is only a year or so qualified from an Oxbridge University, and is a stereotypical Oxbridge graduate: tweed jacket, glasses, and briefcase. He is very animated and passionate about his lessons and sometimes gets carried away in his excitement. Memorable moments are:)

Teacher: *teaching about the Siege of Tyre* “And there was a lot of man-on-man action– Wait, no!”

Teacher: *teaching about sacrificial animals* “And they were male goats, meaning, of course, they were very horny– Wait, what?”

Teacher: *teaching about a sea battle* “Because of that, the boats ran aground, and the soldiers were forced to die on the boat or swim, and the ones that died got very p***ed off– DON’T TELL ANYONE I SAID THAT!”

(Brilliant teacher. I’m doing Classical Civilisation A-Level because of his and my other Ancient History teacher’s passion for and excellence at teaching the subject. Unfortunately, he doesn’t teach me now, but every time I see him I remember these anecdotes.)

(I am the customer in this story. It is New Year’s Eve, around 10:30 or 11:00 pm. I have just gotten off a shift at a fast food restaurant and am headed home when I receive a call inviting me to a party. Since I will be working at 5:00 am on New Year’s Day, I don’t want to stay long, and I am too young to drink, so I stop by a different location of my restaurant on my way to the party to grab a caffeinated beverage.)

Worker: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Me: “Hi! Can I please have a [drink]? That will be it.”

Worker: “Absolutely. Your total will be [price] at the first window. Thank you!”

Me: “Thank you!” *pulls up to first window*

(We make small talk about having to work New Year’s Eve. I am still in my uniform.)

Worker: “Okay, I will have your [drink] at the next window.”

(Thinking the conversation has ended, I then speed off — past the pick-up window — and start to turn onto the road when I realize what I’ve done. Luckily there are no other customers in line. I sheepishly drive back to the window to the worker, who hung his head out the window to see where I went, and is now trying to stifle laughter.)

Me: “It’s been a long night. I hope you have a great New Year.”

Worker: “You, too. Have a better night!”

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(I’m watching a children’s animated film with my mum. There is a bit where our heroes are trying to get back to their kingdom and the boy resorts to pretend-crying at the wizard so he will help them.)

Boy Character: *unintelligible crying*

Mum: “What did he say?”

Me: “‘Wahwuhsob.'”

Mum: “Ah, I thought so.”

(I have been sick and haven’t been able to get much sleep. After another night of tossing and turning, I’m feeling delirious.)

Me: “I need to take my temperature again.”

Husband: “I don’t know where you put the temperature thing.”

Me: “Temperature thing? You mean the thermometer?”

Husband: “Yeah.”

Me: “I put it next to the ther-DAD-iger.”

Husband: “No. Just, no. Back to bed with you.”

Me: *laughing and coughing fit*

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(My history teacher senior year has been funny and easy-going all year. It’s two months until graduation, and he is starting to get tired of the “senioritis” going around.)

Teacher: “From now on, if I see a cell phone out, I am collecting it in this box. And once a week, I will choose one cell phone out of the box and smash it against the wall!”

(About a week goes by as normal. Then, one day, in the middle of watching a movie, the teacher turns it off.)

Teacher: “I have had enough of this! I have told, and told, and told this class. I am sick of telling this class that I do not want to see your phones out. I’m done.” *picks up the box from his desk* “Phones. In this box. Now.”

(He goes around the room, and everyone who has their phone out puts it in the box.)

Teacher: *getting back to his desk* “Are you finding this funny? Would you find it even funnier if I just dumped these in the garbage can?” *picks up a phone and holds it over the garbage can* “Would that just make your day?”

Student #1: “You won’t do it!”

Teacher: “Won’t I?”

Student #2: “You won’t do it!”

Teacher: “I could just take these and start throwing them in here. Would that be funny to you?”

Student #1: “Well, you’re not going to do it, so…”

(Instead of dropping the phone, the teacher spins around and flings it at the wall. It breaks and falls to the floor in pieces.)

Teacher: “Was that funny?”

Student #1: “Dude, that was my phone!”

Teacher: “Did you find that amusing?”

Student #1: “You broke my phone, you a**hole!”

Teacher: “Get out! Get out of this classroom, now! Just get out of my sight!”

Student #1: “I don’t want to be here, anyway!”

(He runs out of the room and slams the door. Everything is completely silent for a moment.)

Teacher: “[Student #3], would you come here a minute?”

Student #3: *does so, looking confused because he’s been cooperative this whole time*

Teacher: “Remember back in September when I told you I could get you to believe something completely unbelievable?”

(By now the teacher was grinning like a fool. The student who left came back into the room, also grinning. He was in on it, as was another student who brought in an old cell phone for use in the prank. After explaining this, the teacher didn’t go back to teaching, but let us talk for the rest of the class. I guess he was having some “end of year fever,” too!)