(I work at an arcade that also happens to have a bar. Because of this, lots of people think it’s an adults-only place, when children are allowed.)

Me: *answering phone* “Thank you for calling [Arcade]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I was wondering if I’m allowed to bring my kid there for Father’s Day?”

Me: “Yep! We actually allow children all the time.”

Customer: “Oh, I was hoping you’d say no. I don’t want to bring my kid there.”

Me: *laughing* “Well, I’m sorry for the inconvenience, sir.”

Customer: “I’m just kidding.”

Me: “I figured. Have a nice day!”

Customer: “Thanks. You, too!”

(A little kid understands horns, but he can’t understand how antlers fall off then grow back.)

Little Boy: “So, the animal dies, then the antlers fall off?”

Me: “No, they fall off, and then a new pair grows while the animal is still alive.”

Little Boy: “But the animal dies?”

Me: *getting frustrated* “No. It’s like losing a tooth. You lose one, and a new one grows in, but this happens to some animals once a year.”

Little Boy: “But the tooth fairy makes me lose my teeth.”

Me: “Well, the antler fairy makes them lose theirs.”

Little Boy: “And then she takes them, right?”

Me: “Yeah!”

Little Boy: “But how did you get that one?” *pointing at the antler*

Me: “Well, the antler fairy brings them to zoos so we can tell people about them.”

Little Boy: “But what about Santa?”

Me: *confused* “Santa?”

Little Boy: “Yeah, doesn’t he like to keep the antlers?”

Me: “He keeps some, but the rest he gives to the antler fairy.”

Little Boy: “Ohhhhhhhh.”

(We are in Ancient History, learning about Alexander the Great. My teacher is only a year or so qualified from an Oxbridge University, and is a stereotypical Oxbridge graduate: tweed jacket, glasses, and briefcase. He is very animated and passionate about his lessons and sometimes gets carried away in his excitement. Memorable moments are:)

Teacher: *teaching about the Siege of Tyre* “And there was a lot of man-on-man action– Wait, no!”

Teacher: *teaching about sacrificial animals* “And they were male goats, meaning, of course, they were very horny– Wait, what?”

Teacher: *teaching about a sea battle* “Because of that, the boats ran aground, and the soldiers were forced to die on the boat or swim, and the ones that died got very p***ed off– DON’T TELL ANYONE I SAID THAT!”

(Brilliant teacher. I’m doing Classical Civilisation A-Level because of his and my other Ancient History teacher’s passion for and excellence at teaching the subject. Unfortunately, he doesn’t teach me now, but every time I see him I remember these anecdotes.)

(I am the customer in this story. It is New Year’s Eve, around 10:30 or 11:00 pm. I have just gotten off a shift at a fast food restaurant and am headed home when I receive a call inviting me to a party. Since I will be working at 5:00 am on New Year’s Day, I don’t want to stay long, and I am too young to drink, so I stop by a different location of my restaurant on my way to the party to grab a caffeinated beverage.)

Worker: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Me: “Hi! Can I please have a [drink]? That will be it.”

Worker: “Absolutely. Your total will be [price] at the first window. Thank you!”

Me: “Thank you!” *pulls up to first window*

(We make small talk about having to work New Year’s Eve. I am still in my uniform.)

Worker: “Okay, I will have your [drink] at the next window.”

(Thinking the conversation has ended, I then speed off — past the pick-up window — and start to turn onto the road when I realize what I’ve done. Luckily there are no other customers in line. I sheepishly drive back to the window to the worker, who hung his head out the window to see where I went, and is now trying to stifle laughter.)

Me: “It’s been a long night. I hope you have a great New Year.”

Worker: “You, too. Have a better night!”

This story is part of the New Year’s Eve roundup!

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(I’m watching a children’s animated film with my mum. There is a bit where our heroes are trying to get back to their kingdom and the boy resorts to pretend-crying at the wizard so he will help them.)

Boy Character: *unintelligible crying*

Mum: “What did he say?”

Me: “‘Wahwuhsob.'”

Mum: “Ah, I thought so.”