“A Cup Of Tea And A Bit Of A Cry” – The British Cure For Everything

, , , , , | Right | November 10, 2018

(I work reception at a small hotel in a busy town with little parking available. Many of our guests come to reception to ask where to park before they check in.)

Me: “Hello, welcome to—”

Customer: “WHERE DO I PARK?”

Me: “Well, there are a few places around us. You can try the on-street parking just across from us on—”

Customer: *interrupting me* “How am I supposed to get my bags in here if I’m parked so far away?”

Me: “Well, you can unload your car in front of the hotel, and then parking is only just across the str—”

Customer: “No, you don’t understand. WHO’S GOING TO HELP ME GET MY S*** OUT OF THE CAR?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m happy to help you if you pull your car up to the pavement in front of the hotel.”

Customer: “But I need to park the car! WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO PARK IT?”

Me: “What do you want to do first? Park your car, or let me help you get your things out?”


(About an hour later, she showed up, said nothing about her behaviour earlier, and checked in to the hotel like nothing happened. Later that evening, she came to reception and apologised to me for what she called a “personal breakdown.” All she needed was a nap and a cup of tea. We’ve all been there, and it takes a brave person to apologise!)

Parental Autocorrect To Be Blamed For All These Kids Ducking Swearing

, , , , | Related | November 7, 2018

(My mum needs some groceries and we decide to take my three-year-old nephew along to give my sister some peace. As we are walking round we overhear another customer:)

Customer: “Oh, f***. I forgot butter.”

(They dash off, and we think nothing of it until we hear from my nephew.)

Nephew: “Oh, f***.” *repeats this over and over*

(Mortified, my mum thinks quickly.)

Mum: “No, there’s no ducks here.”

Informally Informing You

, , , , , , | Working | November 6, 2018

(I’m hiring for a new position on my team. The salary is very attractive, as it’s a specialised role. I’ve offered to meet anyone who has any questions about the role before they apply. The meetings are informal, but I am shocked by just how informal some people are.)

Me: “So, do you have any questions about the role or the responsibilities?”

Applicant #1: “Well, could you start by talking me through the role? I haven’t read the job description yet; I just saw the salary and decided to apply.”

Applicant #2: “I don’t have any questions about the job, because I don’t care what I do. I just saw it’s Monday through Friday only; is that right?”

Applicant #3: “Would I ever need to travel to [Site #2 about one hour away]?”

Me: “More than likely, as the team there will be part of our core users. You’d probably need to be there once a week at least, but your expenses will be covered.”

Applicant #3: “Hm, is that negotiable? I don’t have time to be driving to the site.”

Applicant #4: “Will I be busy all day, or will I have downtime?”

Me: “Uh, well, the workload isn’t unmanageable but there will be enough work to fill your entire day, every day.”

Applicant #4: “Do you ever have quiet periods, like the way sales aren’t busy after Christmas?”

Me: “No, our workload stays consistent throughout the year.”

Applicant #4: “Oh, I was really hoping I’d have some downtime during the day.”

Nibbling On The Golden Years

, , , , , | Romantic | November 6, 2018

(Every morning I have a regular couple. They always order the same thing, so today I decide to try an upsell.)

Me: “Good morning, Mr. H. Is it the usual today?”

Mr. H: “Yes, please, [My Name].”

Me: “Can I tempt you to anything to nibble on this morning? We have some lovely croissants.”

Mr. H: “Oh, no, thank you. I’ll just wait for Mrs H to get back and I’ll nibble on her.”

A Baby Might Consider The Uterus A Cell, Of Sorts

, , , , , , | Learning | November 4, 2018

(I am volunteering at a science festival, doing science activities with children. We have an activity where it is relevant to mention that a baby is made from an egg and a sperm. The activity is specifically designed so that we never have to mention how these two get together in the first place, but we do name the two cells. I am supervising a girl of around nine, and a few other kids.)

Me: “The baby is made from two special cells from the mum and the dad. Does anyone know what the special cell from the mum is called?”

Nine-Year-Old: *raises hand excitedly, then calls out at the top of her voice* “Vagina!”

(I carefully avoid making eye contact with any of the other adults at the stand, knowing that I will not be able to contain myself if I do.)

Me: *very calmly* “You’re very close. That’s actually where the baby comes out of the mum.”

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