Some Adults Make It Public For A Living

, , , , , | Related | October 30, 2018

(I’ve always been a good reader, and I love reading and learning about new things. As such, when the time comes to learn about the birds and the bees, my mum gets me a book on the topic and tells me to ask her if I have any questions at all. I also like to know the reason behind everything, particularly the reason things are called particular names.)

Me: “Mum, I’ve just started this chapter about the new hair I’m going to get.”

Mum: “Yes, it might seem strange, but it’s totally normal.”

Me: “Okay. I’ve only read the first page, but I was wondering… Is it called ‘public hair’ because everyone can see it, like Dad’s beard?”

Mum: *laughing* “Um, I think you’ve misread a word there. Have another look.”

Me: “Oh, what does ‘pubic’ mean?”

H2-D’oh!, Part 5

, , , , , | Right | October 22, 2018

Customer: “Do you have any [Particular Brand of spring water]?”

Me: “Yes, just over here.”

Customer: “Oh, thank you. I’ve heard it has less calories than [Other Brand].”

(It is water, for crying out loud!)

H2-D’oh!, Part 4
H2-D’oh!, Part 3
H2-D’oh!, Part 2

Unfiltered Story #123669

, , , | Unfiltered | October 18, 2018

(I work in *ahem* a well known fried chicken chain, and as our menu is somewhat more complicated than it needs to be for somewhere that literally only does chicken, customers often aren’t sure what to order. Unfortunately they often don’t make it easy for me to recommend products to them.)

Customer: *approaches the till blinking up at the menu boards*

Me: Hi there, what can I get for you?

Customer: *doesn’t look at me* Chicken.

Me: *deep breath* Well, you’re in the right place sir. How would you like your chicken? We have boneless strips, on the bone, burgers, hot wings…

Customer: Don’t know.

(I don’t really know how to respond to that, so I just stand there and wait while he continues to look at the boards)

Customer: *finally looks at me, irritated* Well are you not gonna help me choose then?

Me: I can absolutely help you if you tell me what you’d like to eat.

Customer: Chicken! F***’s sake man! *storms out of the shop in a huff*

Needs To Go On A Diet From Douchebags

, , , , , | Right | October 17, 2018

(I am the last person serving at my cinema before close. An obviously drunk guy comes in with his girlfriend to buy a load of tickets to our final show of the night.)

Me: “Okay, that comes to [price]. Can I get you anything else?”

Customer: “You could give me a discount on the tickets.”

Me: “Oh, did you have some of the [vouchers given to customers with tickets that can be redeemed for money off their next purchase]?”

Customer: “No, but you’re going to take some off the book and backdate the stamp for me.”

Me: “No, I’m not. That’s strongly against our policy.”

Customer: “But a girl did it before!”

(This argument goes on for a while before he finally gives up, swears at me, and demands a large popcorn.)

Girlfriend: “Uh, can I have a Coke, too, please?”

Me: “Sure.”

Customer: “Better make that a diet! Have you seen the size of her?”

(The girl is maybe a UK size 14 at a push — hardly fat, not that it would have made it any better if she had been. Regardless, her face falls and she stares at the ground.)

Me: “Did you want a regular coke?”

Girlfriend: *sadly* “No… He’s right. I better get the diet, I guess.”

(I poured her a regular and popped the diet sign on the lid. She took a sip and smiled at me, but cuddled up to him, anyway. His group showed up shortly after and they all went into the theatre together, of course leaving all their crap behind afterwards. I hope that girl came to her senses and got away from that eventually.)

Running Their Mouths

, , , , | Right | October 10, 2018

(I recently began work in the hotel side of a pretty renowned local restaurant with a Michelin star rating. I was worried that my coworkers would be stuffy or very serious, but instead they’re very down-to-earth. They’re very careful to be professional but friendly with guests, but we have a good laugh when everyone is checked out. Guests can be a bit of a mixed bag — as we all know! — so when we serve breakfasts in their suites, conversation is generally reserved to polite questions about dinner in the restaurant the night before. One morning this conversation transpires.)

Coworker: “So, how did you find your dinner last night?”

Guest: “Oh, quite wonderful. I’m still full! I don’t know how I’m going to manage after this breakfast!”

Coworker: *without thinking* “Not to worry; go for a jog around in the garden outside to work it all off!”

Guest: “This is a five-star establishment!

(There is a moment of pause as we begin to run through all the ways this conversation could hurtle rapidly downhill. My coworker, thinking he is offended, makes to try and preemptively smooth over the situation.)

Guest: *laughing* “I would expect someone to go outside and do the running for me!”

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