Lady, That “Part” Is Your Job!

, , , , , | Right | May 26, 2021

I’m at the vet for my dog. A mother and child are sitting in the waiting room.

Me: “Hello, I’m here with [Dog].”

Receptionist: “Okay, and any problems with her?”

Me: “She’s got some irritation on her… um, lady parts.”

Young Child: “Mom, what are lady parts?”

The mother gives me a hate-filled look.

Mother: “You tell him!”

I sat as far away from the mother and child as possible while waiting for the vet!

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Either Their Ears Don’t Work, Or Time Doesn’t

, , , | Right | May 24, 2021

I’m a receptionist at a vet’s office.

Me: “Hello.”

Caller: “I was calling to make an appointment.”

Me: “We’re booked up until next Monday.”

Caller: “So, can I get in tomorrow?”

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Please Tell Us She Didn’t Take One Of Those “What Dog Are You” Quizzes!

, , , , | Right | March 20, 2021

In the early days of the Internet, the veterinarian I work for has a contract with a local pet store. Anytime someone purchases a puppy from them, they got a coupon for a free exam at our office within one week of purchase. Most new owners call and make an appointment as they leave the store, and sometimes we’ll be able to get them in for a same-day appointment.

This cocker spaniel puppy never even gets to the house before we see it.

Owner: *While checking in* “Oh, I’m just so happy. I went online and the Internet said I needed a female cocker spaniel, and then I went to the pet store, and there she was. She is so friendly and loveable; my girls will be thrilled! The Internet told me I needed a female cocker spaniel and it was right. She is perfect. She loves belly rubs, her ears are so soft…”

She keeps extolling the virtues of this puppy she has known for fifteen minutes now and praising the Internet for telling her to get a “female cocker spaniel.” She finally stops when the veterinarian walks in and introduces himself.

Vet: *Starting the exam* “Well, both his testicles have descended.”

Owner: “What do you mean, his testicles? She’s a she.”

Vet: “No, ma’am, he is a he; you see this is his—”

He starts to point out the puppy’s male anatomy.

Owner: “She had a pink collar on at the pet store! The Internet said I need a female cocker spaniel! I can’t have a male dog!”

She pulls out a cell phone and flips through the paperwork from the pet store to find their number.

The doctor and I make a strategic retreat from the exam room, but we can hear her ripping the poor pet store worker a new one. Several minutes later, she angrily throws open the door and thrusts the phone at me.

Owner: “Here, they want to talk to you.”

Me: “Hello?”

Pet Store: “So we sold her a male dog?”

Me: “The dog she brought is male, and the paperwork says female.”

Pet Store: “Yeah, I guess we put the wrong color collar on him. I found his sister at our other store; we’re going to have someone drive her over to your office. Can you take the male puppy from her to keep him safe, and can our worker come through the back door and trade out the puppies?”

Me: “Yeah, that shouldn’t be a problem.”

I handed the owner back her phone and told her that the store was going to bring the female here, and that we would call her when the puppy got here. She didn’t like that plan and instead sat in our lobby, calling and ranting at somebody about how the pet store gave her the wrong dog and how horrible it was. Our receptionist started a tally: the phrase “the Internet told me I need a female cocker spaniel” was said twenty-nine times in the hour it took the pet store workers to drive from the other store to us.

The female pup arrived. While they were physically the same except for gender, the boy was an outgoing, hyper thing that wanted to lick you to death, the kind of dog that has never met a stranger and believes all humans want to play with him at all times, whereas the girl was a shy, terrified thing and a submissive urinator that refused to look anyone in the eye, even her brother. They could not have been more different.

But the Internet had told the lady she needed a female cocker spaniel, so that is what she took home. One of our techs called the pet store and bought the male over the phone, so he never went back.

Butch was an office favorite and was used to teach a lot of our new staff until he passed away last year. His sister we never saw again, which is not unusual for pet store pups; the owner probably had an established vet or one closer to her house. I hope she came out of her shell and became a good dog and was everything the Internet told the lady the dog would be.

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Rise Like A Very Confused Phoenix

, , , | Healthy | March 10, 2021

My indoor tabby cat is ten years old. Recently, we had a little health scare with him that got so bad we thought we were going to lose him. Luckily, he pulled through. We decided from then on we were going to take him for regular vet checks. Yes, I know we should have been taking him regularly before.

After having a bad experience with one clinic, we are recommended to a better clinic. They are great with my boy and super nice.

After the first visit, I talk to the vet.

Vet #1: “Phoenix is in great health. His ticker is good, his teeth are great, and he is very well-behaved. Since he is ten now, I’d like you to put him on senior food.”

Six months later, we go back to the vet to get some vaccines. 

Vet #2: “I am really concerned about Phoenix’s teeth. He has some bad gingivitis; you won’t be able to see it if you looked but I have a trained eye so I can see it. Also, why do you have him on a senior food?”

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Makes You Want To Cut Ties With This Client

, , , | Healthy | February 25, 2021

I’ve only been working at this vet clinic for about three months, but I’ve had plenty of strange or just plain rude interactions with clients already. This one definitely takes the trophy for TMI. A client calls and wants to make an appointment for his dog to have a urinalysis done, as the dog has had urine issues in the past. I’ve booked him for a few days ahead, and the client has some questions about collecting the urine sample. He’s been very nice and polite throughout the conversation, but then…

Client: “Last time we brought in a sample, we just kinda held a container underneath her to catch the pee. Is that okay?”

Me: “Yes, that’s fine, as long as you bring the sample in to us within an hour of collecting it. And if you have a sterile container, that would also be great.”

Client: “So, like, clean out a Tupperware container or something?”

Me: “Yep, and if you have cleaning alcohol, that would be preferred, but if not, just a clean container will do.”

Client: “Oh! I think I still have a sterile container from a little while ago. I was going to use it for my vasectomy sample, but that never ended up happening, so I can use that!” *Laughs*

I actually pull the phone away from my face and stare at it for a second before composing myself and return to the call.

Me: “Well, yes, like I said, as long as it’s clean…”

I confirmed his appointment time again and hung up, a bit bewildered. My coworker saw my face and asked what happened; when I retold the conversation, she said, “Why the h*** would anyone tell you that willingly?! That’s so gross!” I honestly don’t know. I don’t think he was being creepy but it definitely threw me off.

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