“Helpless” To Resist Adopting This Cat

, , , , , | Romantic | November 16, 2018

(My husband and I have been talking about getting a new cat for a while now. I’m set on getting a rescue, but my husband is set on getting the same breed as our last cat, who was a retired grand champion Scottish Fold. One morning one of our clients comes in with a stray cat she found. She can’t keep him because all her cats hate him, so the doctor agrees that he can wait out the stray hold period with us. Before I even start work that day it is already decided by all of my coworkers that if he doesn’t get claimed I am taking him home. He is a scrawny cat with folded ears, obviously a half-breed with an American Shorthair on the other side. My husband comes by to pick me up for lunch and gets taken back to the kennel room to meet the cat. It is love at first sight, and on the way to lunch we have the following conversation.)

Husband: “So… what’s his name?”

Me: “We haven’t decided yet. The doc was thinking Hamish or Shamish, [Coworker #1] voted for Haggis, and [Coworker #2] said Macbeth. I was thinking maybe Jamie for the Doctor Who character… What do you suggest?”

Husband: “Well… I mean he is handsome, and boy, does he know it.”

Me: “Yeah, he is.”

Husband: “And he has those intelligent eyes and a hunger pang frame.”

Me: “Yes, he does.”

Husband: “And you look into those eyes and you’re helpless, right?”

Me: “Yeah… What are you getting at?”

Husband: “You haven’t figured it out yet?”

Me: “No…”

Husband: “Well, babe, he’s—” *starts singing* “—a b*****d, orphan, son of a w**** and a Scotsman, dropped in a forgotten spot in [Shopping Center].”

Me: *finally catching on* “Oh, dear.”

Husband: “Alexander Hamilcat! His name is Alexander Hamilcat, and there’s a million things he hasn’t done, but just you wait, just you wait…”

(We took Alexander home a month later. He is curled up in my lap as I type this.)

Unfiltered Story #127459

, , , | Unfiltered | November 16, 2018

This happened not long after I started working as an assistant at a veterinary office. One of our receptionists had come back with a dog’s leash and collar, and it was my turn to bring the dog up to the lobby from our kennels.

So, I walk into the lobby with this big dog trying to drag me, and a family with three kids immediately jump up and rush over, petting the dog and letting it lick the kids’ faces. The dog’s so excited I’m struggling to get enough slack to slip the leash off my wrist.

I’ll never forget what happened next. Just as I got the leash free and was about to hand the dog over, the mother of the group looked up at me and said, “So, what’s his name?”

The dog’s real owner was busy paying his bill at the reception desk and never saw any of that.

The Only Reaction We’re Having Is Annoyance

, , , , , , | Healthy | November 9, 2018

(I work for a 24-hour emergency vet. It’s about one am; I usually get strange calls at this time of night.)

Client: “Hi. I was putting some flea medication on my dog and I think I’m having a reaction to it.”

Me: *thinking I misheard her* “Oh, he’s having a reaction to it?”

Client: “No, I am! My hands are breaking out, and I think my throat is getting tight.”

Me: “Oh! I’m sorry; you’ve called an animal emergency hospital!”

Client: “I know. You guys know what I need to take to fix it right?”

Me: “No, ma’am, you need to call 911 or go to your local emergency room; we only treat pets here.”

Client: “Well, that’s okay. If you guys treat pets, you know what I can take, right? I really wasn’t planning on going anywhere tonight; just tell me what medication you give to pets and I’ll just take a larger dose of it.”

Me: “Ma’am… I’m sorry, but we can’t give medication advice over the phone for pets, and we definitely can’t for people! You need to call 911 or go to the emergency room!”

Client: “You’re just being no help. Do you have a number I can call a different animal hospital? I don’t have Internet, so I can’t look up anything.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t give you another number for an animal hospital that’s open right now, but I would gladly give you directions to the emergency room closest to you! You definitely need to go to a hospital for people if you’re having a reaction, not animal hospitals.”

Client: “Fine, y’all are just no help! You know, you really should give better advice to people when they call; you are a hospital, you know! I guess I’ll just have to go to the hospital down the road and see if they can help me. I’m never calling you again!” *click*

(I was so mind-blown I had to sit and collect myself for a few minutes. She sounded like a normal, middle-aged woman, so I hope it was a prank call, but unfortunately I don’t think it was.)

Bathed In Lies

, , , , , , | Right | October 30, 2018

(An old woman comes into the clinic in the evening, not long before we close. The vet determines that her dog has a skin condition, and instructs me to give him a medicated dip before the client comes back to pick him up. I soak the dog in the medication, let it sit, and then rinse him thoroughly, and since it’s winter and now dark outside, I make sure to spend some extra time blow-drying him so he doesn’t get a chill on the way home. I think everything is fine, but soon after she picks her dog up, the client calls to complain that we “didn’t do anything” for him. My coworker assures her that we treated him, and we think it’s over, until the next day when the phone rings. It’s the client again, this time furious and insisting that her dog “never even got wet.” The vet gives the phone to me.)

Client: “You lied to me! You’re cheating me! You never did anything for my dog!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I definitely did.”

Client: “No, you didn’t! He was completely dry! You never even got him wet!”

Me: “I blow-dried him before sending him home, ma’am. I didn’t want him to be cold.”

Client: “You’re lying! He had some dirt stuck to his paw when I brought him in, and it was still there when I picked him up! You didn’t give him a bath at all!”

Me: “I didn’t scrub him. That’s not what he was here for. A medicated dip is not that sort of bath; it is just a way to get the medication to soak into your dog’s skin. I was treating him, not cleaning him.”

Client: “You didn’t do anything! There was still dirt on his paw! You’re lying to me to get my money!”

Me: “As I said, ma’am, he was not here for a bath. I wasn’t trying to wash him. But I promise you, he received the treatment.”

Client: “No, no, no, you didn’t do anything. I can’t believe you would lie to me like this.”

Me: “I’m sorry there seems to have been a misunderstanding, but if you like, we could certainly give your dog a bath, no charge. It wouldn’t have to be done by me, if you don’t trust me. One of my coworkers could do it.”

Client: “No! All I want is for you to admit you lied!

Me: “Then I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can’t help you. I won’t tell you I didn’t do my job when I know I did.”

(This goes on for days, with the woman constantly calling back, us offering her different services for free, and her insisting that the only thing she wants is for us to admit we’re liars. This is how my last conversation with her ends.)

Client: “I can’t believe any of you. This is just terrible. I have to do it! I’m calling the better business bureau!

Me: *so very tired* “Go ahead, ma’am.”

Client: *stunned silence, before she sputters something and hangs up*

(I didn’t hear anything more and thought it was over, until my coworker came up to me a few days later and confessed that she’d heard the vet, my boss, talking to the woman on the phone and telling her that she was right, that I was a liar, and that I would be punished. He had her come in for that free bath, on my day off, so I wouldn’t see her and find out! But the part that really stung? My boss has cameras set up all throughout the clinic so that he can watch us from his office or at home, and review the footage after he’s gone out. There’s one right over the tub where I gave the dog the treatment… so my boss knew full well I had been telling the truth the entire time!)

I’m Sure Coca-Cola Sells It At This Point

, , , | Healthy | October 22, 2018

(A lady calls to seek advice about her tortoise, who has crusty matter around his eyes after waking from hibernation.)

Me: “I advise you to bathe his eyes with tepid water.”

Customer: “Where can I purchase tepid water from?”

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