Some People Are Terrified Of Even A Sniff Of Gay

, , , , , | Healthy | January 15, 2020

(I’m at a vet’s office for my pug when I overhear this:)

Receptionist: “No, ma’am, your dog is not gay. They sniff each other’s rear ends to introduce themselves. All dogs do it.”

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Dogs Reveal All Truths

, , , , | Romantic | January 9, 2020

(This story was told to me by a friend of mine who works as a technician in a vet clinic. I asked her to tell me about some of the craziest experiences she’s had, and even though she has dealt with a lot of outrageous customer scenarios, this one surpasses them all.)

Customer: “My dog has been acting strange and vomiting, and I’m not sure what’s wrong.”

Vet Tech: “Don’t worry, ma’am, we’ll examine him and figure out what’s going on.” 

(They end up having to do an x-ray of the dog. Sometime later…)

Vet Tech: “Well, ma’am, it seems your dog has eaten something that he cannot digest. We can see a foreign body on the x-ray, but we can’t tell what it is. We will have to remove it for the dog’s safety.”

Customer: “Of course, do whatever you have to. I just can’t imagine what he could have eaten. He’s not usually interested in eating anything he shouldn’t around the house.”

(The vet goes ahead with the operation, and everything goes well. While the dog is recovering, the technician goes to tell the customer about the foreign object they removed.)

Vet Tech: “Good news, ma’am; your dog is doing just fine. Here’s the object we removed.” *embarrassed pause* “It seems to be a pair of your underwear.”

Customer: *much longer embarrassed pause, staring at the underwear with a strange look on her face* “Those… aren’t mine.”

(The dog made a full recovery, but the customer’s relationship with her boyfriend did not! What a way to find out about a cheating significant other.)

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Quite The Operation Santa’s Got Going

, , , , , , , | Healthy | December 25, 2019

(I work at a vet clinic that is open late night for emergencies and offers boarding. A couple of years ago, [Former Coworker] had to stop working in order to care for a disabled family member, but she left on good terms with the doctor and still has coffee with the manager regularly. Her son has been asking for a dog for quite a while now. Not just any dog, he knows the exact breed and color pattern he wants. At the staff meeting Monday, the doctor let us all know that [Former Coworker] was going to be surprising her son with a puppy for Christmas. She had found the exact dog he wanted and would be adopting it later this week and bringing it here to board with us until late Christmas Eve when she would pick it up. The morning she brings the puppy in, [Coworker] and I are working at the front desk. She is greeting people as they walk in and handling check-ins. I am checking out a family who just finished their cat’s exam. They have a little girl about six years old, too short to be seen over the counter from where [Coworker] is.)

Coworker: “Hello, how can I… Oh, hey, [Former Coworker], long time no see. So, this is the puppy Santa is bringing [Son]? He’s gonna be so thrilled; it’s exactly what he’s been asking for.”

Young Girl: *very loudly* “If Santa is bringing that puppy to someone, why is he here? Shouldn’t he be at the North Pole?”

(My coworker is clearly at a loss for words and starts sputtering.)

Former Coworker: *just hands [Coworker] the puppy and bends down to the girl* “Your parents haven’t told you? See, when Santa brings a child a pet he calls the parents first to make sure the house has everything that it needs, like food and toys and a dog bed, and space for the animal, and that the kid can take care of it. Then, if the parents say it’s okay, Santa looks all over the world to find the perfect animal, and then, because he doesn’t want the puppies and kittens to get bored in the sleigh and eat other kid’s presents, he has his helpers take them to a safe place near the kid’s house. So, Christmas Eve, Santa will come here and pick up the puppy right before coming to [Son]’s house.”

Little Girl: “Oh, so, that’s why when I got [Cat], Santa just brought her bed and food and had Mommy take me to the shelter after Christmas?”

Former Coworker: “Exactly, he knew [Cat] would be happier playing at the shelter rather than being stuck in his sleigh all night, and that she would just get into trouble with all the wrapping paper on Christmas morning.”

Mom: “That’s right; we got a call from an elf letting us know where [Cat] was.”

Former Coworker: “Yep, the elves have every parent’s phone number. Parents get calls from the elves to make sure they have the batteries and other things needed for the toys, helmets for when they get bikes, that sort of thing.”

(At this point, the girl’s family finishes paying and leaves, the little girl happily asking her parents if Santa has called them about presents this year.)

Coworker: *sighs in relief* “I can’t believe you thought of that so fast; I was so worried I’d just ruined Christmas.”

Former Coworker: *laughs* “Last year, my sister got caught by her girls setting up a playhouse, she told them that Santa was behind schedule and woke her up and asked her to put it together so it would be all ready in the morning. The girls just nodded and went back to bed, but in the morning, the oldest said it was a bit rude of Santa not to tell Mommy she would need to set it up. And we all agreed that Santa should have had an elf call first.”

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It’s Taking All Dog Day Afternoon

, , , , , | Right | December 19, 2019

(I am a veterinary technician. A client brings her Labrador in for an exam and rabies vaccine without an appointment. We have a few spare minutes, so we work her in. During the exam, she mentions a growth on the dog’s eyelid, so the doctor takes a look. We do not normally put animals under anesthesia on Saturdays due to our busy schedule.)

Doctor: “Well, it seems to be causing some irritation to the eye itself, so it should probably be removed soon.”

Client: “Could you go ahead and do that today?”

Doctor: “[My Name], do we have time to put him under?”

Me: “Not really. We only had time to do this exam because our last appointment didn’t take long. We still have two rooms to go in, and then two appointments scheduled after that. We close in about two hours.”

Client: “Well, it shouldn’t take long. It’s just a little bump on his eyelid. You’ll have plenty of time.”

Me: “Ma’am, with all due respect, it takes about twenty minutes just to get him under anesthesia, and then we’d have to do the procedure and wake him up. That would put all of our appointments behind. I’d hate to rush through your dog’s surgery. We have plenty of time during our normal surgery hours on Monday. That’ll give you a chance to fast him beforehand, anyway.”

Doctor: “Well, I could use [anesthetic drug] instead of the gas. It’d be more expensive but we could do it today.”

Client: “Yes, yes, let’s do that. I work on Monday so it can’t wait.”

(I glare at the doctor. He shrugs. Another technician takes the dog to the back and I walk the client to the front desk to check out. While I’m writing up her file I hear her complaining to the receptionist.)

Receptionist: “Your total comes to [total]. If you have other errands to do, your dog should be ready to go home in about an hour.”

Client: “An hour? That’s way too long! And why does this cost so much? I wasn’t planning on spending this much money!”

Me: “If you’ve got other things to do, you’re more than welcome to make an appointment to drop him off Monday. It’ll be cheaper Monday, as well, since we’d use a different anesthetic.”

Client: “I can’t drop him off Monday! I work all day!”

Me: “Then he’ll be ready in an hour. We can’t rush the doctor any more than that without risking your pet’s life.”

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We Call Bull(dog)

, , , , , | Right | December 17, 2019

Our clients are never able to spell their breeds correctly, which usually leads to a few funny things. I’ve seen a “S***-A-Poo,” aka Shih-Tzu/Poodle mix, and then there was the “Paptest,” aka Papillion.

I swear on my paycheck these are really written on medical documents at my company.

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