Some of my friends played in a local pop group. Two of the female group members were in a relationship with each other. After one performance in a local pub, I was chatting with them as they packed up their gear. Another customer approached and kept trying to attract my attention.

Customer: “You know what these girls are, don’t you?”

Me: “Yes. [Girl #1] is a drummer and percussionist. [Girl #2] is a bass guitarist.” *Sigh.* “But I have come to terms with it over the years.”

Back in high school, way before the Internet and streaming became a thing, one of my professors was a huge fan of Ray Charles. Once it happened that he had planned a concert in a city nearby and, being us so to say, “in the remote outskirt of the Empire”, it was a very rare occasion to see him live.

The professor, of course, managed to get tickets months in advance, and when he got them, he gloated with the class about it.

The day after the concert, he had a lesson with my class, and as soon as he stepped in, we asked him how the concert was. Upon hearing our question, he went pale and babbled, “the what?!”

“Ray Charles concert? Yesterday? The tickets you bought months ago?”

He frantically looked at his wristwatch, then at the calendar, then slammed his fist against the wall and let out a string of words that were not exactly suited for a room dedicated to learning.

It turns out he had forgotten about the concert and missed it.

I work the closing shift at a store with some bad customers who like to shop needlessly long after closing, and some bad corporate who does not allow us to kick them out. My manager has chosen to develop some clever ways to solve this.

Twenty minutes before closing:

Manager: “Attention shoppers. Our store closes in twenty minutes. The only people who should be in the store after twenty minutes should be our workers. We are not responsible for any discomfort inflicted upon non-workers present after that time.”

Ten minutes before closing:

Manager: “Attention shoppers. Our store closes in ten minutes. After ten minutes have passed, we will begin playing our workers’ preferred music at maximum volume. We are not responsible for any discomfort inflicted upon non-workers present after that time.”

Thirty seconds before closing:

Big Kenny: “BROTHERS AND SISTERS! WE’RE HERE FOR ONE REASON, AND ONE REASON ALONE, TO SHARE OUR LOVE OF MUSIC! I PRESENT TO YOU, COUNTRY MUSIC WITHOUT PREJUDICE!”

Anyone who was still straggling tends to rapidly hurry to the tills as soon as the music starts. Those who endure the lead-up to the first chorus are promptly assaulted with an interruption in the form of “Rin-chan Now” with a quintuple-extended opening. 

That’s been enough for everyone so far, which is good, because it means we, the night shift, can rock out to both songs at a reasonable volume. If ever someone shows up who shares our music tastes, my manager has claimed to have a last resort loaded in the form of “Baby Shark”.

My brother has been married to a German lady for almost a decade now.

At the beginning of the relationship, my brother was very reluctant to let her come to visit us. But after a year of being together on their own (and a lot of pressure from our parents), she was finally allowed to visit us.

According to my brother, there were two incidents during the visit that had her almost run to the hills.

The first was actually during the first day: we were having dinner and making conversation, at some point, voices were raised because I was lamenting something or other about school, and mom was trying to advise me fruitlessly, but it wasn’t anything noteworthy.

My brother’s girlfriend took him aside later that day and asked if my mom and dad, and I were having big issues. My brother was very confused; it took him several minutes to understand her thought process: she was used to silent family meals, and since she didn’t understand Italian, she was under the impression there had been an actual argument, rather than a mild, fleeting spat between my teen self and mom.

The second incident involved my dad: one of his aunts had been, to make a long story short, both old enough to have been a young woman during WW2, and a collaborationist who never recovered from the death of her first love, a Nazi soldier who very much was a true believer. She had taught my dad and his siblings a love song that was also a marching song, among other things that thankfully did not stick.

On the fourth day of my brother’s GF staying over, at dinner, my dad had the bright idea of both talking extensively about this (in history’s most broken English) and belting out a rendition of that song before anyone could stop him.

Said song being “Erika”. The most popular marching song used by the Nazis.

And he knew the lyrics by heart.

It took A LOT of explaining on my brother’s part to her before she fully understood that it was just a very unfortunate attempt at connection.

I’m at a gig with a friend in New York City about twenty years ago. I am from Glasgow, and my mate is from London. A guy and his girlfriend are standing near us, and as you do at concerts, we got to talking.

Guy: “Where are you from?”

Me: “I’m from Scotland, and he’s from England.”

Girl: “When did you move here?”

Me: “Oh, we don’t live here. We’re just visiting for a couple of weeks.”

Girl: “But, you are moving here soon?”

Me: “Uh, not really? I’ve never lived outside of Scotland! Haha. In fact, this is my first time in the US.”

Girl: “I can’t believe you have never been in the US before! But that explains why you’re not planning on moving here, yet. You haven’t seen what it’s like here. When you do, you’ll start planning on moving. Everyone does.”

Me: “I mean, it’s fun and all, but I don’t think I want to leave Glasgow.”

Girl: “Hmm. We’ll see. But, wow, I can’t believe you’ve never been to America before! Everyone comes here!”

Me: “Gotta start sometime, right?”

Girl: “But, I can’t believe you’ve never been to America before!”

Guy: *To his girl.* “Have you ever been to Scotland or England?”

Girl: “Eww, no. Why would I go outside America?”

The guy looks back at us with an apologetic look and just says:

Guy: “Enjoy the gig, guys!”

We turn around and try to enjoy the music, but between every lull in songs, we can hear her behind us going:

Girl: “I can’t believe they’ve never been to America before! That’s like… unheard of!”