(My friend is from New Jersey, and together we’re watching a musical set during the American Revolution.)
Character #1: “Where was the fight?”
Character #2: “New Jersey.”
Both Characters: “Everything’s legal in Jersey!”
Me: *looks at friend*
Friend: “NOTHING is legal in New Jersey.”
(I am in an adult improv class. Our first public performance is tomorrow night. The teacher is going over what students need to know about the show.)
Student #1: “Do we have to wear shoes tomorrow night for the performance?”
Teacher: “Yes, you have to wear shoes.”
Student #2: “Do flip-flops count?”
Teacher: “Seriously? Why can’t you just wear normal shoes?”
Student #2: “I don’t wear shoes.”
Teacher: “What if you were going to a wedding?”
Student #2: “I don’t go to weddings.”
Student #3: “What if I henna’d my feet?”
Teacher: “Okay, if you go to the trouble to get your feet henna’d by tomorrow, you can go barefoot.”
Student #2: “I just don’t feel grounded if I’m wearing shoes.”
Teacher: “Remember when I said last week that you can wear anything you want, but to make some effort to look nice?!”
Student #3: “Bare feet look nice.”
(Did I mention that this was a class for ADULTS?)
(We have lots of restrooms in the building; however, we only have one that you don’t have to take a short flight of stairs to get to. We usually keep it locked when there isn’t a performance to keep it clean and keep the supplies from being used up. I’m on crutches, so I ask for the key.)
Me: “Hey, boss, is it okay if I use the accessible bathroom?”
Boss: “Yeah, sure, here’s the key. Just give it back at the end of the day so you don’t have to keep asking for it. I’m not here tomorrow but [Manager who also has a key] will be and she’ll get it for you until we get you a copy made.”
Me: “Cool, thanks. I’ll get a doctor’s note with an estimate of when I’ll be off the crutches, but they’re saying about three weeks.”
Coworker: “Wait, what? Why does she get a key? I hate going up those stairs. I’m older than her and I’ve been here longer. I should be allowed to get a key, too!”
Boss: “She’s on crutches. You don’t have a physical reason, and after her ankle is better she’ll be using the upstairs bathroom like the rest of us — after her doctor okays it.”
(I leave and come back. My coworker is standing in front of the office door, fiddling with something and obviously waiting on me.)
Coworker: “Oh, hey! I’ll give the key back to [Boss]. Go on in. I’ll be there in a sec.”
Me: “Um, actually I’m keeping the key all day so I don’t have to keep asking for it.”
Coworker: “Then I’ll hold onto it for you and you can just tell me when you need it.”
Me: “That’s… not going to happen.”
Coworker: “Look, you’re young. I’m getting on up there and I don’t want to climb those stairs. Just give me the key.”
Me: “Tell you what. You tear several ligaments and tendons in your ankle and come to work anyway and then I’ll hand it over. Until then, you use the stairs like [Boss] said.”
(My coworker tried to get me written up for “insubordination” despite him being the same level of employee as me, but our boss gave him a stern talking to instead. He got fired when we caught him going through my desk, looking for my copy of the bathroom key. Of all the things to be fired over!)
(I am stage managing a rehearsal, and the lead actor has come in with some form of food poisoning. Because we’re close to opening, he has decided to tough it out instead of going home, but he has been spending most of the time he’s not onstage in the bathroom. At this point in time, I’m rounding up the actors to run the final scene, in which this actor’s character dies.)
Me: “Hey, [Actor], are you going to be able to run this scene?”
Actor: “Which scene are we doing now?”
Me: *not thinking, on autopilot* “You’re dying.”
Actor: *looks up at me, completely deadpan* “I’m well aware of that fact. But which scene are we running?”
(It was exactly closing time, 20 minutes after the last movie started, and my manager was closing down my register out in the ticket booth. A man walks up and asks to get two tickets to [movie]*
Manager: I’m sorry, sir, but we’re closed.
Customer: What?! Are you kidding me? We just drove 30 minutes to see this movie and you can’t let us in?
Manager: No, I’m sorry, our computers have already shut down. (not necessarily true, but we have closed the doors and concessions was in the process of shutting down also).
Customer: I can’t believe this! Let me speak to your manager right away!
Manager: I am the manager.
Customer: *pauses* Well, I hope you’re happy. *pacing back and forth by now while the other man that came with him is standing there, staring at him* We are never coming here again and I’ll call corporate tomorrow! *storms away*
