I’m a new employee for a large theatre in London’s West End. I’m going to be selling some ice creams during the musical’s intermission, and my trainer is showing me some nuances of the role.

Trainer: “See this small section of ice cream divided over this side? Save those for the older patrons.”

Me: “Okay, but why?”

Trainer: “These have been out of the freezer five minutes longer, and they’ve softened a little. Trust me, the older ones notice stuff like that, and they will complain. Save yourself the headache.”

Me: “Okay then!”

I do as I’m told, and for a few weeks, things go smoothly, until that one fateful day slipped, and I sold an older gentleman an ice cream from the colder side of the tray. He’d marched back up to me from his seat within seconds.

Old Customer: “This ice cream! It’s too cold!”

Me: “I’m… uh, sorry?”

Old Customer: “You need to take it out of the freezer early so it can warm up a little! This really isn’t acceptable, you know!”

Me: “If you like, I can replace it with a softer ice cream?”

Old Customer: “No, it’s too late!”

Me: “I can—”

Old Customer: *Storming away.* “—It’s too late! It’s too late for all of us!”

I made sure to never make that mistake again!

I’m performing in a variety show. The doors are set to open at 6 PM. The stage manager has been at the venue since noon, running around, getting things ready, and overall being the point person for every single problem that crops up as the cast and crew trickle in.

At 5:30 PM, she finally calls a halt to tech rehearsals, very behind schedule since hardly anyone was ready for their call time, and brings everyone in for a safety briefing.

Stage Manager: “…and that’s why you can’t have any alcohol before you finish performing. Now, the house is hot in thirty minutes. I say again, the doors will open in thirty minutes. Please be ready. I’m going to take a ten-minute break while you guys rehearse the group number. Any questions?”

The stage manager is a good friend of mine, and I can tell that, like every stage manager I’ve ever worked with, she wouldn’t be taking a break if she weren’t on the verge of either bursting into tears or ripping someone’s head off.

Apparently, some of my fellow cast members are not as experienced with stage managers as I am.

Performer: “What if there’s an emergency while you’re on break?”

Stage Manager: “Call 911.”

Performer: “What if it’s not that kind of emergency?

Stage Manager: “Then it’s the kind of emergency that can wait ten minutes.”

Performer: “But—”

Me: “—I guarantee that if you interrupt [Stage Manager] while she’s trying to sit down and eat some d*** food, I will personally turn it into a 911 kind of emergency.”

I bartend at a luxury theater.

Customer: “I want my free martini.”

Me: “Uh, we don’t offer free alcohol here.”

Customer: “Well then, what the h*** does this say?”

He shows me his ticket.

Me: “That says matinee. That’s the type of ticket you purchased.”

Customer: “…oh.”

Me: “Do… you still want the martini?”

Customer: “H*** no! Martinis are gross! I only wanted one if it was free!”

I work in a concessions stand/bar for a theater that mostly has community theater performances.

An old man came over, and we ended up chatting about things while I was bagging up some candy and a beer for him.

Old Customer: “You in school?”

Me: “College, yeah.”

Old Customer: “What for?”

Me: “Theater.”

This man’s demeanor changed instantly.

Old Customer: “Bah! You’re never going to get a job in theater! You’re going to need to find a rich man to marry.”

Naively, I think he’s just making some kind of ‘boomer joke’, so I laugh it off and counter it with one of my own:

Me: “Well, technically, I already have a job in a theater.”

Old Customer: “Pretty girls like you just need a rich man to look after them.”

Me: “What’s wrong with me getting a job in theater? You’re watching a show in a theater tonight, right? You wouldn’t get to see a show if ‘nobody could get a job in theater’.”

Old Customer: “Yeah, but there are too many ugly babies in this country! You’re one of the pretty ones! You will make pretty babies! If you do theater, you’ll do all that running around and wearing costumes, and it’ll ruin your baby-makin’ parts!”

Suddenly, I’m livid.

Me: “Woooow. I’m not in the play tonight, but not looking like I want to punch you in the face right this instant will be the performance of the evening.”

Old Customer: “See?! Theater is already making you violent and ugly! Get out while you can!”

He leaves with his candy and beer, and I’m left there worried about guys like that being allowed to vote…

I sell live theater tickets. Names in the story have been changed.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Theater Call Center]. My name is [My Name]. May I have your name, please?”

Caller: “Yeah, I hope you can help me. I need to buy tickets for [Show Name] on the 22nd.”

Me: “The 22^nd of which month?”

Caller: “The 22^nd.”

Me: “Of January or February?”

Caller: “January.”

Me: “Okay, January is sold out. The only week I have tickets for sale is going to be the end of February.”

Caller: “What about the beginning of February?”

Me: “I do not have tickets at the beginning of February.”

Caller: “Well, just get me four tickets for any date in January, then. I just need four.”

Me: “Again, the show is sold out in January.”

Caller: “Then give me your house seats! I’m fine with those.”

House seats are internal-use seats.

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I do not have access to house seats.”

Caller: “Listen, do you know… gosh, what’s her name? She lives in my building. The lady who owns your company.”

Me: “I don’t understand the question.”

We are a non-profit, so no one owns us.

Caller: “The woman who owns you. She has tickets, right? Call her and tell her I need four tickets.”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t know who you’re talking about.”

Caller: “You work there, don’t you!? Your boss. The lady who owns your company! Melanie!”

Me: “Melanie is on the board, but I do not know her or have a way to contact her.”

Caller: “Well, when does she work? Is she here? Can’t you ask her to get me four tickets?”

Me: “I cannot divulge information regarding a board member or employee.”

Caller: “She’s not an employee! She owns you! You work there, don’t you? Can’t you just figure it out? Her schedule? When she comes in? She has to come in, right? And you work there!”

Me: “Again, I do not know Melanie, and I cannot divulge information on our employees or board members.”

Caller: *Screams in the phone and then silence.* “Fine! Just get me four tickets on January 22^nd.”

Me: “We are sold out in January. The only days I have tickets are the last week of February.”

Caller: “Who the f*** is buying all the tickets? Tell me! Is it real people or is it corporations!? Huh? Who is it!?”

Me: “Ma’am, this show has been on sale for four months…”

Caller: “Oh, go f*** yourself! I heard about the cutbacks you guys are doing! I hope you get fired, you f****** c***!” *Click.*