The Husband Trick: Find Someone Else To Take The Blame

, , , , | Right | April 3, 2020

(I’m an usher, working an event that is at intermission.)

Customer: “Where is the nearest liquor store?”

Me: “Um, I’m not sure. I’m not 21 yet, so I’ve never been.”

Customer: “But you have to know where it is.”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t have any idea.”

(The customer goes back into the venue. Five minutes later, he comes out again on the phone.)

Customer: “Here, it’s my wife on the phone. Tell her where the liquor store is, or she’ll yell at you!”

(I still have no idea where the liquor store is!)

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Paying By Card Can Be A Backwards Affair

, , , | Right | March 29, 2020

(I am working in a box office for a theatre and am on the phone with a customer whose order is nearly complete.)

Me: “Okay, if you could just read out the sixteen-digit card number on the front of your card, please?”

Customer: “Would you like that number from left to right?”

Me: *pause* “Yes.”

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Seat Down And Choose Your Battles

, , , | Right | March 26, 2020

(I’m talking to an elderly patron on the phone. He’s buying tickets to the most recent show.)

Me: “I can get you two seats in the middle of orchestra right, row C.”

Patron: “I don’t want them near the far end. What seat numbers are they?”

Me: “C8 and C10.”

Patron: “No, I want two seats together.”

Me: “They are together; the seats in orchestra right are numbered by even numbers and orchestra left is odds.”

Patron: “Oh, okay. How many seats are in this row?”

Me: “Ten, sir.”

Patron: “But you’re putting me in C10! That’s the last seat.”

Me: “No, sir, the seats go from C2 to C20.”

Patron: “That doesn’t make sense!”

Me: “As I said before, the orchestra right seats are assigned even numbers only.”

Patron: “I want to be in the middle!”

Me: “Yes, your seats are in the middle of the row. That last seat in this row is C20.”

Patron: “So there are twenty seats in this row?”

Me: *pause* “Yes.”

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Making A Bad Show Of It

, , , | Right | March 24, 2020

(I am a box office manager at a local theater. There are several bathrooms immediately off the box office and several more around the corner, down the hall, and through another room. We only open these extra bathrooms up during intermission. Before the show, we keep the door to that room locked, but the door only locks from the inside, so it’s like a lobster trap: you can get in, but you can’t get out. A woman approaches me during an extremely busy night before the show starts.)

Woman: “I want to use the other bathrooms.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we don’t open them until intermission.”

Woman: “But you had them open before, didn’t you?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. During intermission. It is not intermission. However, you can use the box office bathrooms, which don’t have a line right now.”

(The woman sulks off. Twenty minutes go by, in which I am dealing with too many customers to see what she does. During a brief lull, I hear a faint pounding from deep inside the building. I tell my assistant to go check it out. The woman comes rushing into the box office, flustered and out of breath.)

Woman: “Did you know I was locked into that room? I could’ve been there for the entire show, for all you know!”

Me: “Ma’am, I told you those bathrooms were off-limits before the show. I’m sorry you were locked in, though.”

Woman: *losing her cool* “But they were open before the show this one time last year!”

Me: “Yes. It is no longer last year.”

Woman: “Well! That’s absurd!”

(She stormed out.)

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Shepherd Book Would Be Ashamed

, , , , , , | Friendly | February 28, 2020

I recently attended a live show of the national tour of The Lion King. As everybody who’s ever attended any kind of show knows, there are signs all over reminding you that no photography or videos are allowed during the show, and they make an announcement just before the show starts. Usually, 99% of the audience has no problems with this and is happy to just immerse themselves in the show. 

This time, however, somebody decided she was above that rule. 

An older woman a couple of rows in front of me was sneaking pictures with her phone, purposely keeping her phone at her lap so as not to get caught. I didn’t want to say anything, because I knew I’d get the age-old excuse, “Mind your own business! It’s not bothering you!” 

At a dark scene, though, she messed up. She must’ve forgotten her flash was set to automatic, because suddenly, it went off with her picture. Several people looked back, and she quickly dropped her phone onto her lap. The kid with her whispered something to her, I’m assuming telling her to knock it off, and she didn’t take another picture.

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