This Is A Bad Sign(ature)

, , , | Right | August 6, 2017

(I’m taking the payment for a reservation a customer just made.)

Me: “Okay, I just need to get that three-digit code on the back of your credit card.”

Customer: “Where is that?”

Me: “There should be two sets of numbers after your signature. I need the second set of digits.”

Customer: “I didn’t sign my card. Where would it be, then?”

Don’t Butt In Line If You Can’t Pay The Fine

| Niagara, ON, Canada | Right | July 20, 2017

(I am working the concession stand at a popular stage theatre in Niagara. There is a regular who has a five-year-old daughter, and one day, during an intermission, the daughter is in my line up, while her father is sitting at a table waiting for her. The line isn’t that busy, and the girl is patient. Finally, when her turn comes, this happens.)

Five-Year-Old: “Hello, miss. May I please have—”

(Suddenly, an older man shoves her aside.)

Man: “Out of the way, kid! I would like…”

Five-Year-Old: *tapping his shoulder* “Excuse me, sir? I was about to order. Can you wait?”

Man: “May I please have…”

Five-Year-Old: “Sir. It hurt me when you did that. Please don’t butt.”

Man: “As I was saying…”

Five-Year-Old: *close to tears* “Please, I won’t take long.”

Man: “Whatever, let me have a—”

(Suddenly, the girl taps him on the shoulder, glaring.)

Man: “What?”

Five-Year-Old: “Get your a** to the back of the line, buster!”

(Everyone’s jaw dropped, and the man is horrified. He sheepishly leaves as the people who heard her laugh.)

Five-Year-Old: *smiling sweetly and placing $10 on the counter* “May I please have a cream soda?”

(I gave her that, plus a free chocolate bar. I later found out that man had been doing that to her for a while, and she finally got fed up.)

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Fight For Legality

, , , , , | Friendly | June 27, 2017

(My friend is from New Jersey, and together we’re watching a musical set during the American Revolution.)

Character #1: “Where was the fight?”

Character #2: “New Jersey.”

Both Characters: “Everything’s legal in Jersey!”

Me: *looks at friend*

Friend: “NOTHING is legal in New Jersey.”

Trying To Get A Foothold On The Performance

, , , , | Learning | June 9, 2017

(I am in an adult improv class. Our first public performance is tomorrow night. The teacher is going over what students need to know about the show.)

Student #1: “Do we have to wear shoes tomorrow night for the performance?”

Teacher: “Yes, you have to wear shoes.”

Student #2: “Do flip-flops count?”

Teacher: “Seriously? Why can’t you just wear normal shoes?”

Student #2: “I don’t wear shoes.”

Teacher: “What if you were going to a wedding?”

Student #2: “I don’t go to weddings.”

Student #3: “What if I henna’d my feet?”

Teacher: “Okay, if you go to the trouble to get your feet henna’d by tomorrow, you can go barefoot.”

Student #2: “I just don’t feel grounded if I’m wearing shoes.”

Teacher: “Remember when I said last week that you can wear anything you want, but to make some effort to look nice?!”

Student #3: “Bare feet look nice.”

(Did I mention that this was a class for ADULTS?)

Not Climbing The Stairs Of Your Career

, , , , , | Working | June 9, 2017

(We have lots of restrooms in the building; however, we only have one that you don’t have to take a short flight of stairs to get to. We usually keep it locked when there isn’t a performance to keep it clean and keep the supplies from being used up. I’m on crutches, so I ask for the key.)

Me: “Hey, boss, is it okay if I use the accessible bathroom?”

Boss: “Yeah, sure, here’s the key. Just give it back at the end of the day so you don’t have to keep asking for it. I’m not here tomorrow but [Manager who also has a key] will be and she’ll get it for you until we get you a copy made.”

Me: “Cool, thanks. I’ll get a doctor’s note with an estimate of when I’ll be off the crutches, but they’re saying about three weeks.”

Coworker: “Wait, what? Why does she get a key? I hate going up those stairs. I’m older than her and I’ve been here longer. I should be allowed to get a key, too!”

Boss: “She’s on crutches. You don’t have a physical reason, and after her ankle is better she’ll be using the upstairs bathroom like the rest of us — after her doctor okays it.”

(I leave and come back. My coworker is standing in front of the office door, fiddling with something and obviously waiting on me.)

Coworker: “Oh, hey! I’ll give the key back to [Boss]. Go on in. I’ll be there in a sec.”

Me: “Um, actually I’m keeping the key all day so I don’t have to keep asking for it.”

Coworker: “Then I’ll hold onto it for you and you can just tell me when you need it.”

Me: “That’s… not going to happen.”

Coworker: “Look, you’re young. I’m getting on up there and I don’t want to climb those stairs. Just give me the key.”

Me: “Tell you what. You tear several ligaments and tendons in your ankle and come to work anyway and then I’ll hand it over. Until then, you use the stairs like [Boss] said.”

(My coworker tried to get me written up for “insubordination” despite him being the same level of employee as me, but our boss gave him a stern talking to instead. He got fired when we caught him going through my desk, looking for my copy of the bathroom key. Of all the things to be fired over!)

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