A couple of younger teenagers come into my store looking for some help.

Teenager #1: “Hi. My mom bought me my phone from you guys, and it’s supposed to have a free subscription to [Music Streaming Company], but I can’t get it set up.”

Me: “Let me see your phone and I’ll see if I can help.”

I look at the phone and think I have solved the problem. To test it out, I go to one of my favorite songs that I use for this purpose, “Born To Be Wild” by Steppenwolf.

Teenager #2: “Oh, hey! How come you know that song?”

Me: “Ha, yeah, I know it’s a little old, but—”

Teenager #2: “Old? No, it’s on TikTok!”

Teenager #1: “Yeah, you’re too old to know that song.”

Me: “Ladies, this song was twenty years old already when I was born.”

Their faces were the image of shock, betrayal, mind-expanding… and a little bit of disgust.

Unfortunately, it was my mom that produced this gem.

Mom: *Angry* “You made me look like an idiot! I went to the record store to get that album you said you wanted for Christmas, and they all laughed at me!”

Me: “Oh! What did you say to them? You asked for the Metallica box set Live S***: Binge And Purge, yeah?”

Mom: “Something like that! And they said that it didn’t exist! You played a prank on me!”

Me: “Mom, I assure you it’s a real thing. When you say, ‘something like that’, did you ask for the exact same thing, or did you do that thing that you do where you’re only half listening, and when you try to remember it comes out as something else?”

Mom: “I asked for that Puke And Eat Me music you asked for!”

Me: “I think I know why they couldn’t find it…”

It is the time of the iPod craze, and an older customer approaches me.

Customer: “I want an iPod.”

Me: “Of course! We have a selection in stock. What hard drive size were you after?”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “How much memory did you want? It comes in 20GB and 40GB models.”

Customer: “I just want it to play music.”

Me: “They all do, sir, but how much music you want to store on it depends on how much memory you’ll have.”

Customer: “Doesn’t this come with music?”

Me: “No, sir, you have to add the music to it yourself. That’s why I ask about the memory size; how much music did you want to put on the iPod?”

Customer: “Like… all of it?”

Me: “All of what, sir?”

Customer: “All music. Like all of it.”

Me: “There’s no iPod that can fit… all music, sir. In fact, I don’t think any single hand-held device could.”

Customer: “This is false advertising! The ad said all music could fit in my pocket!”

Me: “All of your music, sir, not all music ever.”

Customer: “Well, that’s unfair. I want all music in my pocket! I’ll go find a store that can do that for me if you can’t.”

Me: “Good luck, sir!”

I hope he has fun sorting through his millions of songs!

I’m a middle-aged white male who, due to circumstances, has ended up as a fan of late 1980s musical artist N.W.A. (a hip hop group). We’re not allowed music of any kind at work anyway, so our musical tastes are irrelevant, as we listen to it only on our own time. 

I’m chilling in the break room with a book when a coworker storms up to me.

Coworker: “I hear you like N.W.A.”

Me: “What of it?”

Coworker: “That’s just un-American!”

Me: “Actually, the group is 100% American.”

Coworker: “That’s not what I meant!”

Me: “So, what did you mean?”

[Coworker] actually pauses for an instant. Clearly, some warning in their brain is telling them not to say it, but they can’t help themselves.

Coworker: “Those Black f***ers hate everything about real America, and they should all be lined up and shot!”

I got up immediately and went directly to the Human Resources department. Two of the workers there are Black. HR was not impressed by [Coworker]’s opinion and decided the company would be better off without that walking lawsuit risk.

I work in a cafe, and we start to pack up at 12:00. One time, this group of mums and their little kids came in at 12:00. They all ordered coffee as I hadn’t closed the machine, and they tried to order some food. Their kids were being pests, and we still needed to pack up the inside of the cafe.

So, I started to play explicit songs over the speakers — nothing bad, just language, and my supervisor agreed.

All it took was one child to repeat a word and then all of them were saying words from the songs. The mums quickly gathered their kids and left.