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The Government Is Super Serious About The Scheduling Of Schedule IIs

, , , | Healthy | March 21, 2023

I’m working in a pharmacy, and I answer the phone.

Patient: “I need to get my prescription of [medication] refilled.”

I do some checking and come back to the phone.

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but that prescription isn’t due for another two weeks. You’ll have to call back after [date].”

Patient: “Oh, come on! Other pharmacies have done it for me!”

He was on a pain medication that’s classed as Schedule II — a controlled substance. Sir, the freaking Drug Enforcement Administration regulates those sales; don’t lie to me.

He did not get his medication that day.

The Animals Come First — As It Should Be

, , , , , , , | Healthy | March 6, 2023



We’ve had sled dogs for the past twenty years. We use them for pulling and carrying to fulfill their needs but keep them as family pets. At most, we’ve had five dogs. Now we only have one left: Gamlemor. She’s turning thirteen this March. As responsible pet owners, we visit our veterinarian at least once a year — twice a year after they turn ten.

Being a senior dog, Gamlemor is starting to get some “extra” issues as most beings do when getting old. Off to the vet we go, same as always. We’ve used this practice for eighteen years now, and we adore our veterinarian.

He’s got a good size office, with many employees with this very same type of dedication.

I take “Gamlemor” in for itchy ears and a lump on her chest. I think she needs an ear flush for the itch and the lump is just “another lump of fat”. (She’s had a few over the years.)

However, this time, her ear has some deformation and the lump is cancerous. And checking her ears, they notice that a few of her teeth need to come out, as well.

I am very emotional at the moment, so there are probably some variations to the wording. Here’s approximately how this conversation went.

Vet: “The tumor is out, and we are quite sure we got all of it plus some good margins. But she’s an old girl, so belly rubs need to happen every day and you need to be thorough.”

Me: “She already gets them. I just can’t believe we missed this.”

Vet: “Thorough?”

Me: *Through sobs* “Obviously not.”

Vet: “Now, I’ve booked a date for removing the bad teeth, but I’m more concerned about her inner ear. And we need to be clear about what to expect. This is calcification or cancer. This is serious. A CT will tell us more about where it is, but there’s not a lot to do about it.”

Me: “Okay. Is she in pain? What options are there?”

Vet: “It’s not what you want to hear, but Gamlemor is not comfortable. She’s not showing it, but her teeth alone would cause a bit of pain and the ear makes her itchy and dizzy. I’d recommend managing her condition depending on the CT. And there’s an option to remove the inner ear, but it’s extremely painful.”

Me: “Okay!” *Sobs* “What does ‘managing’ mean? Why not operate? The pain is temporary, right? How much is it? Can you do it?”

Vet: “‘Managing’ is medication. I’ll tell you the price for dental care. But… it’s my job to inform you that there are options. I can do the operation, but I won’t. I won’t subject Gamlemor to this at her age. It’s a lot of pain for two to four weeks, and there’s a chance it won’t heal well or at all. And with her age and sensitivity, it’s not an option in my opinion. There are other practices that will take care of this if you absolutely have to, but try to ask why before doing anything. Is it for Gamlemor or yourself?”

Me: *Ugly crying* “You’re such an a**hole, sometimes. You know that?”

Vet: “Yes, but you know this, too: I do business with you because you pay your dues. I like you because you listen and you care about your animals. But I love Gamlemor. Here, take this.” *Hands me a tissue* “And take a moment. I’ll print your appointment and put together an invoice for dental care.”

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why we keep coming back. This vet is autistic. He’s not great with people. But he’s honest, direct, and hard-working. And he loves his job because he loves animals. When we show up with our pets, this practice is their voice of reason when we’re upset or not thinking straight.

When we visit, they greet our pets the way their personalities preferred it, and then they greet us. “Do you want something to drink? Great, I’ll bring your human something, too.”

A veterinarian nurse said on our second visit, “You’re the wallet; this is the patient,” while rubbing Oscar’s belly with both hands.

Gamlemor is now on medication for arthritis, inflammation, and pain relief. She’s comfortable, playful, and happy. We might be able to keep her around for a few months still, a year if we’re lucky. She’s on follow-ups every two months — something we asked for, so Gamlemor has her advocate when it’s time for her to go, but forever.

When You Think You Can’t Possibly Be Any Clearer

, , , , , | Healthy | March 2, 2023

I work in an operating room. A nurse comes into the break area looking angry and grumbling.

Me: “What happened?”

Nurse: “We told [Patient] that for his outpatient procedure, he had to eat or drink nothing after midnight, and he just told me he ate a full breakfast this morning!”

Me: “Did he understand the instructions?”

Nurse: “English is his first language! No, he said it was because we were replacing his knee, not working on his stomach, so it didn’t make any sense. We have to cancel the procedure now!”

Me: “If it makes you feel better, one of my patients last month, a college kid, was told ‘only clear liquids until midnight and then nothing.’”

Nurse: “And?”

Me: “And they drank vodka and did cocaine up until midnight because it was a ‘clear liquid’. Of course, he didn’t tell us any of this, so we didn’t find out until the kid started aspirating and crashing as soon as he went to sleep.”

Later that day, I told a patient not to eat anything after midnight and they said, “What’s gonna happen to me? Am I gonna turn into a gremlin?” Gotta love people.

Paperwork Isn’t All Bad

, , , , | Healthy | February 26, 2023

I’m a supervisor in a machine shop. The crew I work with is usually pretty great about safety and protocol, even if it gets annoying sometimes. We all realize that a little bit of inconvenience now can be worth it to prevent bigger problems later.

We have a new employee who is in his first week of real work after the training and probationary period. He’s been pretty open about going through some personal struggles, and he’s been acting like a stereotypical “tough guy” around work to make up for it.

He manages to nick his thumb with a box cutter. It’s not bad, but there’s enough blood that he needs to step away from his work and find a bandage.

New Guy: *To me* “Hey, boss, do we have a first aid kit around?”

Me: “Yeah, over here.”

I take him to the office where the kit is kept.

Me: “What do you need?”

New Guy: “Cut my thumb on a box-cutter. No big deal, but I need something to put on it.”

I get him a bandage and then pull out “the incident book”, where we keep reports of all injuries that happen on the job.

Me: “While we’re here, let’s get this report done, too. What time—”

New Guy: “Nah, I can head back to work. No need for a report.”

Me: “[New Guy], we’re doing this report whether you like it or not. If you refuse to do it, I’ll have to talk to Human Resources about it.”

New Guy: “All right, whatever. I can’t believe I need to do a whole big report for a cut that’s barely even visible, but let’s get it over with.”

We go through the report, confirming as many details as possible about the situation, and then I send [New Guy] back to his station.

A few days later, [New Guy] calls in to request the day off.

New Guy: “My thumb got infected, so I need to have the doc look at it.”

Me: “Is it the cut you got a few days ago?”

New Guy: “Yeah.”

Me: “Okay, in that case, make sure you get a report from the clinic to submit to HR. They’ll add it to the initial injury report and get started on your worker’s comp claim.”

New Guy: “Wait, I can get this covered by worker’s comp? That’s… That’s actually good to know. I wasn’t looking forward to the bill for this one after [previously mentioned personal stuff].”

Me: “Yeah, it should qualify.”

New Guy: “Thanks, boss.”

Me: “No problem. Let me know how it goes and when you’ll be back to work.”

New Guy: “Also… thanks for making me do that report. Guess it wasn’t such a waste of time after all, huh?”

His thumb healed pretty quickly with proper care, worker’s comp covered his costs, and he learned to be as diligent as the rest of us when it comes to safety and reporting.

We’ll Bet He’s Sent His Share Of… THOSE Pics…

, , , , , | Healthy | February 24, 2023

I’m a nurse. I have to “shave prep” someone’s inguinal area for an upcoming cardiac angiogram. This is the area where your thigh meets your hip. Try to find your pulse there; that’s the spot.

Me: “I’m going to go get the clippers, sir. Just lay on the bed and drape this towel over your privates.”

I come back to find him standing naked.

Patient: “What? I thought you wanted to see my d**k.”

Me: “Sir… what part of my instructions to cover yourself made you think I wanted to see it?”

Patient: “Oh… Sorry.”