Patient: “I don’t want to wait any longer! IN AMERICA, I WOULD HAVE BEEN SEEN ALREADY!”

Doctor: “First of all, Canada is still America. Second of all, we had a car crash victim and a heart attack to deal with, so they took priority.”

Patient: “BUT MY FOOT HURTS, AND IF I HAVE TO WAIT ANY LONGER WITHOUT PAIN MEDICATION I’M GOING TO THE ER ACROSS THE CITY!”

Doctor: “Yes, sir, this is Canada, you can do that.”

Patient: “I… what?”

Doctor: “This is a trauma facility, and there are almost always at least a couple of people who are on the literal edge of death. Yell as much as you like, you aren’t jumping ahead in front of the heart attack and the guy who was almost crushed by an SUV. And you’re probably not getting narcotics either.”

Patient: *Suddenly standing up, no apparent foot issues whatsoever.* “F*** this! Someone told me Canadian drugs are free!” *Storms out.*

I work as an aide at a hospital.

Me: “Where’s [Patient]?”

Nurse: “I saw him walk up to the roof. He likes to go up there to smoke.”

Me: “Isn’t he on oxygen?”

Nurse: “Yeahhhh… oh no.”

We found him on the roof having a cigarette with his nice flammable oxygen tank next to him.

I’m seeing a patient in the emergency room.

Me: “Hi, I’m—”

Patient: “—What the f*** is going on with me?”

Me: “Hello, I’m doct—”

Patient: “—Why is no one taking care of me?!”

Me: “I’m the ER docto—”

Patient: “—This is the worst hospital ever.”

Me: Sir, what brings you in tod—”

Patient: “—I’ve been waiting for four hours!”

Me: Your chart says you got here thirty minutes ago. Anyway, what’s bothering you this morning?”

Patient: “You tell me.”

Me: “The chart says you’ve had abdominal pain for three years. Can you tell me more?”

Patient: “I’m not telling you s***!”

Me: “Okay, well, may I examine you?”

Patient: “Don’t touch me until you give me pain meds.”

Me: “Well, I can’t help you until I know what’s going on.”

Patient: “F*** you and f*** this place!”

Me: “Okay.”

Patient: “I’M NOT TALKING TO ANYONE UNTIL I SEE THE D*** DOCTOR!”

Me: “Okay, well, I’m Dr. [My Name].”

Patient: “…you didn’t tell me you were the doctor.”

CONTENT WARNING: Death

I’m visiting my family for the holidays, and on Christmas Day, I have this horrible chest pain that’s making it hard to breathe. I go to lie down and rest, but hours later, it’s feeling worse. No urgent cares are open on Christmas, so we decide to go to the Emergency Room.

The intake nurse is taking my vitals and asking for general information.

Nurse: “What’s your date of birth?”

Me: “[Birthdate].”

Nurse: “Any children?”

Me: “No.”

Nurse: “But you’re thirty-five.”

Me: “Yeah.”

Nurse: “My friend is thirty-two and doing In Vitro. You should really look into it.”

Hours later, I’m waiting on a cot in the hallway, and the finance person comes for my insurance information. After several questions about my policy number, etc., she asks me:

Finance: “Who is your emergency contact?”

Me: “My husband.”

I give his name. His surname is different from mine as I didn’t change mine when we married. The finance person puts down her clipboard and sighs.

Finance: “So, his name is [Husband]. Are y’all actually even married?”

Another hour later, I’m still on the cot, and I hear a commotion. A man is wheeled in who has died of a heart attack. His family comes in after him, reacting in confusion and horror as they realize what has happened.

A doctor passing by says to a nurse:

Doctor: “Geez, they’re loud. What’s all this fuss about?”

I am never going back to that hospital again.

I work in the Oncology Radiotherapy Department. In healthcare, we’re trained to double-check EVERYTHING. Names, dates of birth, medical history, the works, because mistakes in our line of work aren’t just inconvenient, they’re dangerous.

Years ago, we had a patient scheduled for a critical round of radiotherapy. She’d been told multiple times: “Don’t skip your fractions”. If you absolutely must miss one, let us know, we’ll reschedule. Seems clear enough.

She didn’t call.

She sent her identical twin sister instead. 

The twin showed up, answered all the ID questions with flying colors: same birthday, same calm expression, same everything.

It wasn’t until the radiographers went to align her with the planning CT scan that someone paused.

Radiographer #1: “Uh… where’s the mastectomy scar?”

Radiographer #2: “This CT shows one breast. She’s got two.”

Cue emergency stop.

Turns out, the REAL patient was out of town and thought sending her genetically-matching body double was “basically the same thing.”

It became a cautionary tale we still tell new hires:

“Always check the CT. Sometimes the patient’s next of kin takes that a little too literally.”