A Good Friend Helps You Bury A Body; A Great Friend Digs Them Up

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 21, 2018

(I’m talking to a colleague about a house that my parents looked at, but didn’t get. It’s just past a graveyard and is suspected of having pauper’s graves on the land.)

Me: “My parents would’ve liked to extend the place, but they’d be denied planning permission because of the high chance of digging up an unmarked grave.”

Colleague: “A friend of mine has the correct authority to exhume and move a grave; I could’ve asked him for a favour.”

Me: “I doubt he’d do 100 as a favour.”

Colleague: “Oh…”

(I told this story to my dad, who told me that the estimated body count on that land had gone up tenfold since I first heard it.)

Making A Wrong State-ment

, , , , , , | Right | September 20, 2018

(I work selling tickets at a large movie theater chain.)

Customer: “Can I get two tickets for [Movie] at 3:30 pm?”

Me: “I am sorry, sir, but the movie began at 3:00 pm. The previews are actually about twenty minutes long, so you still have time to go in.”

Customer: “NO! I want the 3:30 show time.”

Me: “Sir, there is no 3:30 show time.”

Customer: “DON’T PLAY STUPID WITH ME! I KNOW THERE IS A 3:30 SCREENING, YOU IDIOT. SEE?!”

(He pulls out his phone and slams it against the box office glass. I motion for him to slide his phone through the small opening and make sure he is watching carefully as I scroll up to the top of the show time page)

Me: “Sir, as you can see, these are the show times for our location in California. You are currently in Florida.”

(He couldn’t even look me in the eyes after I slid his phone back. He proceeded to walk off without another word.)

Unfiltered Story #120942

, , , | Unfiltered | September 15, 2018

(A few years ago I was working at a Concession Stand for a [Movie Theater]. When we sell to our customers there’s basically a checklist we have to go through, one of the items on there is to ask if they would like a Rewards card. Barely anyone does but it’s still required. So as I’m ringing up a young couple I do the usual routine)

Me: And would you like to sign up for a [Reward Card] today?

Boyfriend: NO. Can you hurry up? We’re running late for our movie!

Girlfriend: (Whirls around to look at him) There is NO reason to be RUDE!

(I felt a little bad for the guy and quickly intervened)

Me: It’s quite alright ma’am, I’ll just ring up your order and you can be on your way.

(They left without anymore incident, but the next customer in line swaggered up to me with a big smile on his face)

Customer: Isn’t love grand?

(Somehow I stopped myself from laughing, because they were still in earshot)

Reading Into The Gradual Lack Of Reading In This Country

, , , , | Right | September 11, 2018

(I volunteer at a small independent film theater in my city. We are showing a John LeCarre spy thriller).

Woman: *comes out shortly after movie starts* “I’M IN THE WRONG MOVIE! THIS IS JUST SOME COUPLE IN A CAR TALKING IN SOME FOREIGN LANGUAGE AND IT HAS SUBTITLES! THIS ISN’T THE MOVIE I CAME TO SEE!”

(An employee and I go in and check the theater, reading the opening credits; they are consistent with the movie poster in the lobby. As we walk out, the couple in the movie are shot and killed by a border guard.)

Me: “Ma’am, this is the correct movie. The credits are the same as the movie poster, so it’s the right movie and the couple in the car just got killed, so they’re gone.”

Woman: “Well, all right, but I JUST CAN’T DO SUBTITLES! IT’S TOO HARD!”

(She went back into the theater. Twenty minutes later she came out again and stalked out of the exit. I guess there were more subtitles.)

Mistrust By The Bucket Load

, , , , | Right | September 3, 2018

(The movie theater where I work has annual buckets that are $20 when you first buy them, but then you can bring it back and refill it for $4. I’m working in concession when a man and his 12-year-old son walk up to me.)

Customer: “I forgot my bucket at home!”

(I shrug this off because a lot of people forget their bucket.)

Me: “Okay… What can I help you with today?”

Customer: “I want two tickets to [Movie].”

Me: “Okay! Any concessions? Drinks? Popcorn?”

Customer: “I forgot my bucket at home.”

Me: “Okay…?”

Customer: *gesturing to the stack of buckets I have next to me* “So can I…?”

Me: “I’m sorry… what?”

Customer: “I forgot my bucket; don’t you trust me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I cannot GIVE you a bucket.”

Customer: “But I forgot my bucket!”

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