Dust Stop And Listen To Yourself

, , , | Right | November 5, 2019

(I am working as an usher at a cinema that frequently shows movies in 3D as well as 2D. I’m about to step into a theater to do a check when a guest and her son come out from the theater behind me.)

Guest: “Miss? Excuse me, but there are little spots on my 3D glasses.”

Me: “Spots?”

Guest: “Yes!”

(She shows me the “spots” on the glasses and demands to know what is wrong.)

Me: *blank-faced and trying not to laugh* “Ma’am, that’s dust on the lenses.”

Guest: “Dust? How can there be dust on them? I only just pulled them out of the package!”

Me: “Well, they’re not packed in a sterile environment, and there’s also dust in the air here, so it could have attached at any time.”

Guest: *looking horrified* “How do I get rid of it?”

Me: *really trying to suppress a smile* “The easiest way is to wipe the lenses on the hem of your shirt. You could also use a napkin.”

Guest: “Will it ruin the lenses if I do that?”

Me: “No, ma’am. Also, if you just leave them the way they are, I bet you won’t even notice when your show starts.”

(She finally left, her son looking just as confused as she was, and went back to her theater. Oddly, I never got another complaint from her about the “spots.” My coworkers, however, found the entire incident hilarious.)

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Obviously Not Top Of Her Class In High School

, , , , | Right | November 3, 2019

(I’m required to ID anyone for R-rated movies who looks like they might be underage. A rather young-looking teenage girl walks up to the box office one night.)

Customer: “One ticket to [R-rated Movie], please.”

Me: “Sure. Can I see your ID real quick?”

Customer: *clearly straining to think of what to say* “Um, I don’t have it on me. Come on, I’m in my late 20s! There’s no way you’re telling me you think I’m underage! That’s ridiculous!”

Me: “Ma’am… you’re wearing a high school sweater.”

(She suddenly looks pale and looks down, realizing her sweater does indeed have the name of the local high school plastered across the front in big bold letters.)

Customer: “I forgot this sweater had my school’s name on it.”

(She wasn’t old enough.)

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Michael Buyers

, , | Right | October 31, 2019

(It’s Friday night, and the new “Halloween” has just come out. It’s been selling out nearly every screening, to the point we’ve had to steal showtimes from other movies. We have six screens playing it in between 7:00 and 8:00 pm, with each one either sold out or near sold out. Despite being hectic, things have gone relatively smoothly for most of the hour. It’s just me and one other person at the box office, and we’ve reached the last “Halloween” showtime of the hour. Suddenly, an adult man dressed as the serial killer Michael Myers from the film walks in, in full costume and mask. He gets up to me in line. At this point, the final showtime for the hour is down to only about four seats left.)

Me: “Hey there! I’m assuming you’re here for Halloween?

(The customer doesn’t speak, but instead starts imitating a peculiar “head tilt” that the character does in the original “Halloween” film. I chuckle.)

Me: “That’s great! Anywho, is it just going to be one? That showtime is almost sold out, so seating is limited, but we should be able to squeeze you in.”

(Again, the customer doesn’t speak, and continues to do sort of charades of various things Michael does in the film.)

Me: “Um… Okay. So, just one ticket, or…?”

(Again, he doesn’t speak and continues to pretend to be Michael. He lifts a plastic knife into the air, mock-stabbing it towards me.)

Me: “Okay, Mikey… So, one ticket?”

(Take a guess… no response. This continues on for about thirty seconds as I try a few more times to get him to respond. I glance down and see that the other box office worker has sold the last few seats for the film.)

Me: “Sorry, Mike… looks like the film just sold out.”

(I then witnessed the funniest thing I’d seen in some time: an adult man dressed as Michael Myers blurting out a string of muffled vulgarities under his mask as he realized he’d missed his opportunity, before slowly walking away with his head down and his shoulders hunched, looking utterly defeated. I admire your dedication, Michael… but sometimes the novelty of dressing up isn’t worth it if you’re going to miss the movie.)

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No Concession Made For Slow Customers

, , , | Right | October 23, 2019

(I work in a small movie theatre. On occasion, we get crowds of up to two-hundred customers for one set of shows which we handle with only two cash registers and three or four employees. As such, speed is essential. Some customers don’t quite get the concept.)

Me: “Hi there! What can I get for you today?”

Customer: *been standing in line for about fifteen minutes* “I’ll have two adults and three children for [Children’s Movie].”

Me: “Sure thing, can I get you anything else?”

Customer: “I think so.” *to kids* “Kids, what do you want to eat?” *to me* “Oh, where are your prices?”

Me: *points up to three large TV screens directly above me while internally head-desking*

Kids: *spend the next several minutes deciding what to get*

Me: “All right, anything else for you?”

Customer: “And we’ll have a popcorn.”

Me: “What size would you like?”

Customer: “Oh, uh, a large.”

Me: “Great, anything else?”

Customer: “And a Coke, please.”

Me: “What size for that?”

Customer: “Uh, a medium.”

Me: “All right, anything else?”

Customer: “Nope, I think that’s everything, thanks.”

Me: *immense relief* “All right, your total is [total].”

Next Customer: “I’ll have two tickets to this movie, a large popcorn with layered butter, and a medium root beer, please.”

Me: “I love you.”

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Pointing Out Facts = Arguing

, , | Right | October 23, 2019

(Our cinema has two separate box offices. I go to relieve one of our cashiers and notice a lineup of people in front of our secondary box office, which is obviously closed.)

Me: “I’m sorry, guys, but this counter is closed. They’ll be happy to help you over there.”

Customer: “You mean I have to line up over there? Then you’d better give me a discount on my tickets!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we are unable to alter our ticket prices in the system.”

Customer: “Well, you should have a sign up! This is f****** ridiculous.”

Me: “As you can see, sir, there is a large sign blocking off the till, as well as both ends of the lineup being roped off.”


(He then stormed off and terrorized my concession workers.)

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