A family has come out of seeing the latest Jurassic World movie. One of their younger children is looking a bit unsettled. They approach one of my coworkers while talking to her young child:

Parent Customer: “See, this gentleman works here, so he knows all about the movie.” *To my coworker.* “Now, the dinosaurs aren’t real, right? They can’t hurt little children in real life; they’re make-believe.”

If she had approached any other coworker, literally any other, she would have received the calming and compassionate answer she was looking for, to be able to calm the anxiety or fear of her child.

But she didn’t approach any of us; she approached [Coworker], and [Coworker]’s unique spiciness on the neurodivergency spectrum means that he never lies and never understands emotional cues. So, instead of a “dinosaurs aren’t real and they can’t hurt you”, this mother and child get:

Coworker: “Dinosaurs are currently extinct, but they were very much real animals as evidenced by the fossil record.”

This is not the answer the little kid needed to hear, so I jumped in to try to mediate between them.

Me: “Yes, but extinct means none of them are around anymore today, right?”

Coworker: “Only the non-avian dinosaurs went extinct because of the meteor; the avian ones were fine and are still around to this day.”

For the love of… I’m about to explain that avian means ‘birds’ to calm this kid down again, I am very shocked when the kid smiles, stands a little straighter, and says:

Kid: “Oh! Avians! Those are birds! We learned about that in school.”

Phew! This is a kid who can put two and two together. Coworker is about to interject with another “well, technically…” so I jump in again:

Me: “Yes! Avians are birds, and they are what the surviving dinosaurs evolved into.”

This time it’s the mom who responds:

Parent Customer: “Is that because they were in the air when the meteor hit the ground?”

The coworker is about to explode into an avalanche of scientific corrections, so I start to drag him away, saying:

Me: “Yup, that’s right! Have a nice night, now! Glad you enjoyed the movie!”

Some friends and I have just left the movie theater.

Me: “Okay, well, thanks for hanging out, everyone. My bus stop is over there, so I’ll see you all later.”

Friend: “You’re taking the bus? Nah, man, I’ll drive you.”

Me: “It’s okay. It’s not a long ride.”

Friend: “All the more reason to let me take you!”

Other Friend: “[Friend], he has more reason not to let you.”

Friend: “Whaddya mean?”

Other Friend: “Over dinner, you literally said that you ‘Never stop for the police because they always give you a ticket if you let them’.”

Friend: “Yeah? That’s true!”

Other Friend: “The fact that you don’t see an issue with that statement is why [My Name] is taking the bus.”

Friend: “Fine. Y’all be like that!”

He storms off to his car and angrily peels out of the parking lot.

Me: “Did he just exit through the entrance?”

Other Friend: “Yup.”

Me: “And is he driving the wrong way through the one-way ramp?”

Other Friend: “Also, yup. Oh, hey, your bus is coming down the street.”

Me: *Laughing.* “Maybe I’ll take the next one. I want to put a little distance between whatever vehicle I’ll be on and [Friend].”

Despite the joke, I took my bus, and my journey was incident-free. 

The next time the group of us got together for a movie, [Friend] was the passenger in [Other Friend]’s car, and when I asked why, I heard a muttering about cops, speeding, and the word “revoked”.

Two customers are looking at the names of the movies we’re showing.

Customer #1: “What is that Fury about?”

Me: “That’s a World War Two movie about tanks. I’ve seen it, it’s very good.”

Customer #2: “World War Two… was that the Cold one or the Asian one?”

Customer #1: “I think the cold one was the first one.”

Me: “Uh, the Cold War wasn’t actually a specific war; it was just a time when the USA and Russia were being very aggressive to each other.”

Customer #2: “So it was the Asian one, then?”

Me: “Well… it was a bit more Asian at the end.”

Customer #1: “We’ll take two for Fury then, please.”

They got their tickets and snacks. Two and something hours later:

Customer #1: “We enjoyed the movie, but is there going to be a sequel?”

Me: “I don’t think so. Why?”

Customer #2: “There weren’t any Asians!”

Related:
World War Who?

I’m on box office when a family storms up, tickets clutched tight. They look flustered.

Dad: “We booked tickets online for ‘Despicable Me 3’. Where do we go?”

This piques my interest, as at the time of this story that movie isn’t out yet.

Me: *Checks tickets.* “Sir, these are for June 30th.”

Mom: “Well we booked them for today!”

Me: “That’s impossible. The movie doesn’t come out until June 30th. These tickets are for opening night.”

Dad: “That’s absurd! The website tricked us! We just selected soonest possible screening! Why would that be a month from now?”

Me: “Ah, I see, sir. You did select the soonest possible screening, which is opening night… on June 30^th. It shows the date right here on the confirmation screen… and again on the ticket.”

I point at the “6/30”.

Mom: “Well we didn’t notice that! How were we supposed to know?!”

Me: “…By reading it?”

Dad: *Angry.* “We’re here now. Just let us in to watch it anyway.”

Me: “I can’t. It hasn’t been released yet. The reels literally aren’t here.”

Dad: “That’s not my problem! We want to see ‘Despicable Me 3’ right now!”

Me: “Sir… that’s impossible.”

Dad: “Why?!”

Me: “Sir… that is a movie we do not have. It isn’t released anywhere in the United States until June 30^th, and you’re asking me to get you into a screening of it right now?”

Dad: leaning in “Exactly! You’re finally getting it!”

Me: deadpan “Yes, but I don’t think you are.”

They ended up seeing ‘Boss Baby’, apparently for “the fifth time!”

A customer comes storming out of our largest theater halfway through the live-action ‘How to Train Your Dragon.’

Customer: “I want a refund. This movie is exactly the same as the first one.”

Me: “Well, it is a remake of the first one.”

Customer: “What! Why?! I’ve seen the first one already!”

Me: “Sir… the original was animated. This is the same story, just live action. It’s been in all the trailers and posters.”

Customer: “Well, how was I supposed to know that?!”

Me: “Uh… well, most people just do? It’s How to Train Your Dragon. Not How to Train Your Dragon 4.”

Customer: “I don’t follow movie news. You’d think they’d make something new instead of remaking everything!!”

Me: “I agree, but if we stopped showing remakes, we’d only have about two movies left this month.”

He pauses, thinking about that.

Customer: “…F*** Hollywood! Fine, I’ll finish the f****** movie, but there better be a big twist!”

He marches back into the theater.

Coworker: “Or maybe the big twist is you Googling a movie before buying tickets?”