That Will Put Lead In Your Pencil

, , , , , | | Right | July 10, 2019

(I work in a museum gift shop that carries long, bendy, novelty pencils. Customers often tie them in knots and hide them in the display. Simply hilarious. If the staff doesn’t find the knotted pencils in a timely fashion and untie them, they become permanently bent and unsellable. I assume it is probably kids doing it, but one day I spot a grown-up adult man sneakily tying a pencil in a knot and attempting to hide it, and I get to use a line I have been saving for just such an occasion.)

Me: *in my best customer service voice* “Excuse me, sir, but when you’re done playing with that, can you also untie it?”

Grown Up Adult Man: *sheepishly unties pencil*

(Yessssss!)

Unfiltered Story #151003

, , , | | Unfiltered | May 16, 2019

I have been at this job for over a year now, but about two months into it the company introduced ‘Treat Receipts.’ These entitle the customer, provided they have been in the store earlier the same day, to a tall yoghurt Frappuccino for £2. This is restricted to one per receipt.

Two young women, clearly tourists, are in the queue. One of them presents a Treat Receipt, asks for two venti yoghurt Frappuccinos, and things kick off.

Tourist 1: But it says for £2.
Me: That’s only for a tall size, and it’s one per receipt. There is nothing I can do.
Tourist 1: But I want for £2.
Tourist 2: Just charge for tall.
Me: No, it’s not worth my job.

Note: the company is very strict about promotions like this, and keep an eye on anyone they think is giving in to pressure like this.

Tourist 1: I want. For £2.
Me: No.
Tourist 1: Forget the drinks, just food.

They bought several cakes and paninis… which amounted to more than two venti Frappuccinos.

Phoning In The Parenting

, , , , , , | Friendly | December 19, 2018

(My wife has always been pretty direct, but pregnancy seems to have amplified it. We’re standing outside the local pub one day chatting to some friends when a kid, between seven and nine years old I think, cycles past. We see this kid all the time and he always has one hand on the handlebars and with the other is holding and staring at his phone. He also doesn’t wear a helmet. On this occasion, my wife reaches out as he cycles past and nabs the phone out of his hand.)

Kid: “Hey!”

Wife: “If I see you cycling with this d*** thing in your hand and not looking at the road one more time it is going straight in the river.”

(The kid goes from startled to angry, but my beloved is too quick for him.)

Wife: “Just what the h*** are you thinking? You could hit someone. You could end up under a d*** car. You think your parents want to spend Christmas sat around your hospital bed, you idiot?”

(At this the kid seems to crumple a little. My wife holds out the phone to him.)

Wife: “Now switch it off. Put it in your pocket. Go home and ask Santa for a d*** helmet.”

(The kid takes the phone back and, very sensibly, does as my wife says. We figure that’s the end of it and go back to chatting to our friends. About ten minutes later a woman marches up to us and smacks my wife’s glass of lemonade out of her hand.)

Woman: “How dare you?! My son has just come home in floods of tears saying you yelled at him and scared him! You told him he was going to die! And now I see you drinking, probably trying to harm another precious baby! What kind of woman are you?”

Wife: “Lady, I told your son that if he didn’t stop looking at his d*** phone while cycling then, yes, he might end up dead or seriously injure someone else. Lady, I’m the kind of woman who drinks lemonade while she’s pregnant because, unlike you, I have some concern for my kids!”

Woman: “It’s no business of yours what my son was doing!”

Wife: “Not looking at the road and causing danger to the public? It is absolutely my business. And before you say one more thing, your son seems to be a h*** of a lot smarter than you and he got this pretty quick. How would you like to spend Christmas around your son’s hospital bed? Or in a lawyer’s office after whoever he hits sues for damages?”

(The woman has gone flame red and storms off. My wife turns to me.)

Wife: “Was I a little harsh?”

(I told her that I didn’t think so and that she’d said the right thing. A couple of days later the same kid saw my wife in the village and told her that he’d only been crying because he’d realised how dangerously he had been behaving and apologised for his mother. He even told my wife that she’ll be a great mum, and I agree.)

Sounds Like The Purge To Me

, , , , , | Right | October 30, 2018

(I am working the floor at a Halloween store, and see a customer in our mask section trying on clown masks and scaring his girlfriend. I like to suggest a chainsaw to go with the mask, because people like the prop to take pictures with.)

Me: “You know, these chainsaws go really well with the clown masks.”

(I offer him a chainsaw I brought over.)

Customer: “You know what else goes with a clown mask? A neighborhood filled with white, rich people that feel entitled!”

(Mind you, he appears to fit this description.)

Me: *very confused and not quite sure what to say* “Um, yeah. Well, have a wonderful evening, and let me know if I can help you with anything.”

(His girlfriend gave me a look like this wasn’t a rare thing. The rest of the employees and I had a good laugh over my first time having a customer outburst.)

Not The Big No-No-No You Thought It Was

, , , , , | Working | August 17, 2018

(I’m from a non-English speaking country and I’m doing a post-grad at a botanical institution. Two colleagues from my country have been here for six months and they show me the basics of living in Cambridge.)

Colleague: “So, if you finish working late you can either get food at the petrol station or at a deli in this road… but for the main shopping, there’s a supermarket down this road. When you go to the cashier, she’ll ask you three questions. I don’t know what she means, but it’s easier if you always say, ‘No, no, and no.’”

(I did my main shopping on the first weekend and I found out that the dreaded three questions were, “Do you have a reward card?” “Would you like a bag?” and, “Would you like any cashback?” Also, they were always pronounced in the same way, and very clearly by all cashiers, so I don’t know how my colleague couldn’t figure out what they said. When I explained it to him, however, he was very happy to get cashback at the supermarket instead of walking all the way to the ATM!)

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