Rated R(iech)

, , , , | Right | March 24, 2018

(A new policy has been in effect for only a couple weeks about children under six years old not being allowed in rated-R movies. A lot of people don’t know the policy. Corporate had us put up a small sign alerting customers to the new rule.)

Me: “Hi there! What can I do for you today?”

Customer: “Hello. I’d like 11 tickets to [R-rated movie], please.”

(I spot a small child in his group.)

Me: “Okay, sir. How old is your little one?”

Customer: “He’s five.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but children six and under aren’t allowed in rated-R movies.”

Customer: “Oh, it’s okay; he’ll be with me.”

Me: “I understand, but he’s still not allowed in.”

Customer: *angry* “That’s ridiculous! I’m his father, and I decide what he can see! He’s six.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “He’s not five; he’s six. I forgot he had a birthday recently.”

Me: “The policy is that those six and under aren’t permitted. I’m sorry, sir, but no.”

(He comes inside. My co-assistant manager is next to me; I am also an assistant manager. My coworker has heard the whole conversation.)

Customer: “I want to talk to your manager now!”

Me: “I’m an assistant manager, and so is she.”

Customer: *to my coworker* “Why can’t my child see this movie?!”

Coworker: “As she has stated, the policy states that children under six can’t see R-rated movies. I’m sorry, but we don’t make the rules; we simply enforce them from corporate.”

Customer: *now yelling* “You guys are Nazis! You are just like the townspeople who did nothing when Nazis were burning bodies!”

Coworker: “I’m not listening to this.” *walks away*

Me: “Sir, please don’t call us Nazis.”

Customer: “That’s what you are! I want your names, and the corporate phone number! This is outrageous!”

Me: “No problem.” *hands him paper with all the info asked for* “Again, please don’t call us Nazis.”

(He left and never contacted corporate.)

It’s Going To Be One Of Those Afternoons…

, , , , | Right | March 24, 2018

(I work at a theater where all shows before five pm are matinees, so tickets are discounted. A woman walks up to the ticket counter at one pm.)

Customer: “I’d like a ticket to the 6:30 show of [New Movie].”

Me: “All right, that will be $9.00.”

Customer: “But I’m buying it before five; doesn’t that mean I get matinee price?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. The discount price only applies to the showtimes before five; all shows after five are not matinees.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! I want the matinee price!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We have a 4:00 showing that would be a matinee.”

Customer: “No! I should get the discount for the 6:30!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that’s not how matinees work.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! Forget it!” *walks out*

Armed With A Single Sentence

, , , | Right | March 22, 2018

(It is a couple weeks after a shooting at a theater only two hours away from ours.)

Customer: “That ‘No Weapons Allowed’ sign is stupid. People are going to bring in guns, anyway.”

Coworker: *rips her ticket* “Maybe, but that doesn’t mean weapons are allowed, and we have security measures in place to ensure everyone’s safety. Your movie is in theater two, on your left.”

Customer: “Well, I should be allowed to bring in a gun. If someone wants to shoot up the place, I should be able to shoot them first!”

Coworker: *not wanting to get into an argument about gun control* “Theater two, on your left.”

Customer: “I have the right to come in here with a gun to defend myself and my family. It’s not right that you want me to come in here without one!”


Quentin Tarantino’s Muppet Fiction

, , , , , , | Right | March 21, 2018

(After working in a theater for so long, I’ve grown accustomed to parents dragging their kids along to movies that would be considered inappropriate, but unless it’s rated NC-17 or has no rating at all, the most we can do is warn them. Every now and then, I’m thrown for a loop.)

Customer: “Excuse me. I was wondering if you could tell me why The Muppets has a PG rating.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I saw the movie myself, and the only reason I can think of is that there’s some mildly crude humor.”

Customer: “I have some of my friend’s kids with me. Are you sure it’s okay for them to watch?”

Me: *surprised* “Um… Yes?”

Okay, Then I Hope Your Day Is Miserable

, , , | Right | March 15, 2018

(I work at a movie theater. I typically say either, “Enjoy the show,” or, “Have a great day,” after helping every customer. There’s no rhyme or reason as to which I say, just whatever comes out.)

Me: “Your total is $14.”

Customer: “Here you go.”

(I complete the transaction and hand him his change.)

Me: “Here’s your change. Have a great day!”

Customer: *suddenly furious* “No, I won’t have a great day! I’ll ‘enjoy the show,’ a**hole!”

(The customer storms off.)

Coworker: “What the hell was that about?”

Me: “Just another happy customer.”

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