(Brockville is just half an hour across the Saint Lawrence Seaway from Albany, New York, but the nearest border crossing for vehicles is almost an hour away,  This is approximately one am on a Saturday night drive-thru shift in August.)

Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Customer: *obviously inebriated* “What country am I in?”

Me: *thinking I am being pranked* “I’m sorry, what was that?”

Passenger: *in the same car, also inebriated*  “What country is this?”

Me: “Canada. Can I take your order?”

Customer: “Canada? F*** ! Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes, sir, this is Canada. Would you like to order?”

Passenger: “S***. Yeah, get me a cheeseburger, medium fries, and Sprite. Canada, f***!”

Customer: “We don’t have f****** time to eat!” *to me* “Get me a Coke, large onion rings, and a bacon cheeseburger!  Are you sure this is Canada?”

Me: “Yep, this is Canada. What would you like on your burgers?”

Customer: “You’re not f****** with me, are you?”

Me: “No, I’m sure this is Canada. What would you like on your burgers?”

Passenger: “Ketchup, mustard—”

Customer: *interrupting* “I told you we don’t have time to eat if we’re in f****** Canada!” *to me* “I want ketchup and onions.”

Passenger: “If you can f****** eat, so can I. ‘Sides, we can eat in the car, a**hole.” *to me* “I want ketchup, mustard, onions, and extra peppers. We’re really the h*** in Canada?”

Me: “Yes, you are really in Canada! Your total comes to [total].”

(I’m biting my lip trying not to laugh. They drive through to the window.)

Me: “Hi. Your total is [total]; would you like ketchup for your fries and onion rings?”

Customer: “You’re not f****** kidding, are you? This is really Canada?!”

Me: “I’m not kidding. I was born here and I am positive that this is Canada. Would you like ketchup?”

Passenger: “H***, give me the ketchup, since we’re in f****** Canada!”

(I’m taking really deep breaths trying not to laugh, and I’m now also trying to figure out what being in Canada has to do with wanting ketchup on fries.)

Customer: “Do you take American dough?” *under breath* “How the h*** are we in f****** Canada!”

Me: “Yes, we take American money at [percentage], so your total is [total].”

Passenger: “S***. You’re an a**hole!” *hiccups, looks at me, collecting the money* “Oops, not you; he’s the f****** idiot. You’re pretty!”

Me: “Thank you! Here are your food and your change. Enjoy!”

Customer: “How the h*** am I supposed to do that? We’re in f****** Canada?”

(They speed off, leaving me with my head sticking out the drive-thru window trying to get enough air to breathe as I am laughing so hard. Five minutes later, I finally collect myself enough to get back to work, and as I head into the back, I hear my manager call me in a raspy voice. As I enter the office, I see she is still bent over in her chair at the desk with tears on her cheeks.)

Manager: “Are you sure we’re in Canada?”

(I’m a high school sophomore in World History class. We’re doing a unit on the Cold War, and so, naturally, we discuss capitalism versus communism quite a bit. We have an assignment to complete during one of our classes. One of the questions asks for the names of the two modern communist countries. I put down Cuba and China, check my answer on the Internet, and move on. Then, I hear this from another student halfway across the room.)

Student: “Wait, which Alaska is communist again?”

(The worst part is that he’s lived in America all his life and seemed completely serious!)

Patron: “Can you look up how far it is to go from [City #1] to [City #2] on the computer for me?”

Me: “Sure.” *checks online* “It says here that it’s 54 miles.”

Patron: “Okay… Now, how far is it going back?”

(Two of my coworkers and I have the pleasure of speaking to this customer over the phone on three different occasions within a twenty-minute time span.)

Coworker #1: “Thank you for calling [Store]; how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m looking at your website and it says that you’re in Midland?”

Coworker #1: “Yes, we’re in the [Mall] on [Highway].”

Customer: “Okay, so you’re in Ontario?”

Coworker #1: *confused* “Umm, yes, we’re in Ontario. In Midland. In the [Mall]?”

Customer: “Oh, great, and what time are you open until?”

Coworker #1: “We’re open until 9:00 pm.”

Customer: “Great! This night is just really working out! I’ll see you soon!”

Coworker #1: “Okay.”

(A few minutes later, the phone rings.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m trying to find your location, but my GPS isn’t working! I thought you guys were on Ontario Street!”

Me: “No, we’re on [Highway].”

Customer: “Oooh! But you’re in Midland, though?!”

Me: “Yes, we’re in Midland. In the [Mall].”

Customer: “Okay, I thought you were on Ontario Street! But it’s just Ontario, then.”

Me: *confused* “Yes, Midland, Ontario.”

Customer: “Okay, great. So, what’s the address?”

(I tell him. A few minutes later he calls again and I try to listen to my coworker’s end of the conversation while I ring a customer through.)

Coworker #2: “No, no, we’re on [Highway].” *pause* “Midland, yes.” *pause* “Where are you calling from?” *pause* “No, no, we’re in Midland, Ontario. Midland, Ontario, Canada. North of Toronto.” *pause* “Okay, have a great night.” *hangs up and looks at me* “Yeah, he’s in Texas.”

(I work in a travel agency, specializing in cruises, where we only deal with clients over the phone. Our agency has the word “CRUISE” in the name, and that’s plastered all over our website. It’s also in the phone message you get before you speak to one of the agents.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Agency]. This is [My Name] speaking; how may I help you?”

Client: *mumble, mumble, mumble*

Me: “I’m sorry, could you please repeat that? I think we have a bad connection; I’m having a hard time hearing you.”

Client:” *mumble, mumble, something unintelligible* “Jamaica.”

Me: “Oh, you’d like to visit Jamaica?”

(The client continues to talk under her breath, so I can’t hear more than a few words. Eventually, she finally begins to enunciate clearly.)

Client: “How much are flights to Jamaica?”

Me: “Ma’am, we are a cruise-only agency; we do not deal directly with flights and airfare.”

Client: “Fine, how much are cruises to Jamaica?”

Me: “It depends; there are a lot of different factors: length of time you’re sailing, what ship you’re on, where you leave from—”

Client: *interrupting me* “I want to leave from Michigan.”

Me: “I’m sorry, there are no cruises that originate in Michigan. Other than the Great Lakes, which cruise ships don’t sail on, Michigan is land-locked.”

Client: “But I want to leave from Michigan. I live there.”

Me: *screaming internally* 

(Ultimately, what the woman was looking for — after a LOT of back-and-forth due to her perpetual mumbling — wasn’t even a cruise. I couldn’t help her, but it did make me wonder how people can have such a lack of comprehension over basic geography, especially for where they live.)