Time Is Money, And You Don’t Have Enough

, , , , | Legal | January 14, 2021

I am a paralegal, working in a small office where I also double as the receptionist, which means my work is often interrupted by phone calls. Multitasking and going back and forth between jobs isn’t a problem for me, but the “junk calls” are very annoying.

One phone solicitor calls on a regular basis. At first, I politely decline what they are selling — something about magazine subscriptions, not at all work-related — but they never really take “no” for an answer and keep calling back. Finally, in exasperation, I tell them that my boss bills my time out at $100 per hour with a one-hour minimum, and if they continue to waste my time, we will send them a bill and sue them for it if necessary. I think that will make them finally take us off the list and leave me alone.

Nope! A few weeks later, I get another call.

Me: “I’ve asked you repeatedly not to call here.”

Caller: “Oh, are you the one who said you’d sue us?”  

Me: “Are you kidding me? You have it in front of you that I have asked you not to call and threatened to sue and you’re still calling me!”

Fortunately, that was the last call from them.

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Is That Inches Or Centimeters? Just Curious.

, , , , , | Working | December 28, 2020

My husband is a senior partner in a big law office. I call him up so he can measure a specific thing on his face for a snorkeling mask I need to buy. Still on the phone with me, he walks up to a secretary, takes a ruler from her desk, nods at her, and disappears into the bathroom; he needs a mirror to measure.

He comes out brandishing the ruler and she hears him speak to me.

Husband: “Eleven, it’s eleven.”

Almost at her desk, he stops as I explain to him that he measured wrong.

Me: “No way is it eleven. Even my measure is above eleven.”

Husband: “It is eleven.” *Pause* “No, it’s not longer.” *Pause* “It should be longer?” *Pause* “But it is eleven.” *Pause* “Oh, I should measure from there.” *Pause* “Okay, let’s do it again.”

He walks back to the bathroom and comes out again.

Husband: “Okay, now it’s thirteen and a half. Is that okay?” *Pause* “Okay.” *Pause* “Byeee!” 

And he left the ruler at the desk of a completely shocked woman. He only realized what had happened once he was back at his desk. It was one of those things where going back and explaining only would only make things worse.

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He Must Have REALLY Needed To Go

, , , , , | Right | November 23, 2020

I work in a small law firm. We have recently moved. There are several other companies located on this floor of the office building. Every door is marked with the suite number and company name, except ours; building management hasn’t done ours yet. As I am checking something with the receptionist, the front door bursts open, and a middle-aged man comes barreling in.

Man: “What? Why are you here?!”

Receptionist: “I’m sorry? Did you have an appointment?”

Man: “Of course not! Never thought I would need one. But why are you here?”

Receptionist: “I work here. Was there someone you wanted to see?”

Man: “Of course not! This is ridiculous! Just let me in!”

Receptionist: “I need to know who you need to speak with before I can let you into their office.”

Man: “No one! No office. Let. Me. In!”

Me: “Sir, I’m the office manager. Can you tell me what the problem seems to be? I’m sure we can get you pointed in the right direction.”

Man: “I’m in the right direction. Move!

He tries to push past me.

Me: “Sir, you need to leave now or I’m calling the police.”

Man: “Police? Just let me use the f****** toilet, you b****!”

Me: “The men’s room is two doors down.”

Man: “And you couldn’t tell me that in the first place?!”

He turned around and left, SLAMMING the door behind him.

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Your Silence Speaks Volumes

, , , , | Right | September 10, 2020

I’m the problem-solving legal assistant from Enlarging Your Client Base and She’s A Different Kind of Calendar Girl.

Due to the health crisis, we have stopped having in-person meetings with our clients, preferring Skype or telephone calls. Most clients are grateful for our efforts to keep them safe and have been nothing but complimentary of the staff’s efforts to remain personal but professional.

One client belonging to my boss — the villain of the “Calendar Girl” story — calls in for a conference and, while covering basic questions about medical treatment, gives me this treat:

Client: “I have to ask, is [Boss] as condescending, arrogant, and b****y in person as he sounds on the phone?”

Me: “I… I really couldn’t say.”

Client: “Oh, right. He can fire you.”

Me: “Yes… Yes, he can.”

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Can’t He Just Celebrate On The Weekend Like A Normal Adult?

, , , | Legal | September 4, 2020

I am the manager of a law firm. I have spent several days coordinating a date and time for a deposition. The next day, I get a phone call.

Junior Lawyer: “Hi, I’m [Junior Lawyer]. I represent [Client Being Deposed]. I need to talk to you about rescheduling his deposition.”

Me: “Why?” 

Junior Lawyer: “I’ve just been told that it’s my client’s birthday. We need a different day, preferably a Tuesday.”

Me: “I had to find a day that worked for four different law firms, a judge, and your client. This was the only available day.”

Junior Lawyer: “But it’s his birthday!”

Me: “He’s a sixty-year-old man who works for the state. Are you telling me he’s not working that day?”

Junior Lawyer: “He’s working but… it’s still his birthday.”

Me: “I’m not going to reschedule unless you clear it with the judge.”

She calls back a few minutes later to tell me she’s got the judge on a conference call.

Junior Lawyer: “[Judge], I have [My Name] on the line. She says she can’t reschedule the deposition unless you clear it.”

Judge: “Why do I have to clear the date? You can change the date as long as my schedule permits.”

Me: “I wanted you to be aware of the reason for the change. It’s her client’s birthday.”

Judge: “So?”

Me: “She wants to change because he doesn’t want to do it on his birthday.”

Crickets.

Judge: “Are you really telling me that we spent days trying to schedule this and now it’s not going to work because it’s his birthday?!”

Junior Lawyer: “Well, he wants to go…”

Judge: “I’m sure he can go to Chuck E. Cheese a different day. We’re not changing. Goodbye!”

Me: “So, I’m going to go ahead and confirm the date now.”

Junior Lawyer: *Sighs heavily* “Okay. He’s not going to be happy.”

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