Unfiltered Story #88999

, , | Unfiltered | June 2, 2017

I’m a lawyer. We deal with lots of immigration work, and charge a fee. One day, I get a call on my mobile from a withheld number- no idea where he got my details. The caller is about to be deported and wants me to represent him. He won’t tell me his name or address.

Caller: …And I want you to do it for free.

Me: Ah. Sorry, can’t help you with that. But if you call… (A charity that might be able to help)

Caller: WHAT THE F**K? If you don’t do it for free, I’ll… I’ll BREAK ALL MY FINGERS one after another until you do!

Me: I… what? Why? You just need to call…

Caller: DON’T FUCK WITH ME! I’M GOING TO BREAK THEM ALL!

Me: What? Stop, don’t… (There’s a horrible *SNAP* and cracking noise as he breaks one of his fingers. I hear the whole thing).

Caller: AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH! F***********K! (He starts sobbing in obvious agony).

Me: What did you do!? Stop it! Don’t… (*SNAP*)

Caller: (Sobbing gets worse) DO IT FOR FREE!

Me: Wait! Please! I can’t help you, but I know someone who… (*SNAP* *SNAP* Two go at once)

Caller: OHHHHH GODDDDDD (Sobbing)! WHY? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?! STOP IT, PLEASE! DO IT FOR FREEEEEEE! (*CRUNCH* This one sounds like it doesn’t break cleanly. He squeals in pain.)

Me: F**k. Where are you? I’m going to call you an ambulance.

Caller: OHHHH F********K! (*SNAP* loudest one yet) AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHH! THIS IS YOUR FAULT! I’M CRIPPLED AND IT’S YOUR FAULT! (*SNAP*) S**T! F**K YOOOOOOUUUUU!

I hang up, and run to the bathroom to throw up. I called the police and told them what I’d heard. They try to find the caller to get him to hospital, but they can’t trace the call and he never told me his name or address. That’s the last I hear of it.

About two years later, I’ve moved to another firm in the same area, and I get a call from another lawyer in that firm who’s had a call from a possible client and wants my opinion. Apparently, the client has told him that about two years ago, his lawyer cut off all his fingers because he couldn’t pay. Funnily enough, I don’t take the case.

Judged As A Scam

| PA, USA | Working | May 20, 2017

(I am a paralegal, and part of my job is to keep telemarketers and scammers from getting through to my boss.)

Guy: *on Phone* “Hello, am I speaking to the business owner?”

Me: “I am her assistant; may I help you?”

Guy: “Yes, I am [Obviously Fake Name] from [Obviously Fake Help Center], and I am calling to alert you that your computer has a virus!”

Me: “Oh, really?”

Guy: “Yes, and in order to salvage all your data, you will need to provide us with—”

Me: “Okay, first of all, I am fully aware this is a scam.”

Guy: “Miss, I assure you that—”

Me: “Second of all, you do realize you’ve called an attorney’s office?”

Guy: “…”

Me: “A practicing attorney on friendly terms with three local court judges. And whose caller ID identifies your phone number as [phone number], your business name as ‘Unlisted, Unknown,’ and YOUR name as—”

Guy: *slams down the phone*

Attorney: *from her office next door* “You are the first and best line of defence!”

It’s Just Not Your Day

| London, England, UK | Right | April 5, 2017

(A customer runs in through the door in an obvious state of distress.)

Me: “Hello, can I help you? Do you have an appointment?”

Customer: “WHAT DAY IS IT!?”

Me: “[Date].”

Customer: “WHAT DAY?!”

Me: “Wednesday…?”

Customer: *weeping in obvious terror* “MAKE IT NOT BE!”

Me: “How… how would I make it not be Wednesday?”

Customer: “MAKE IT BE TUESDAY! PLEASE!”

Me: “I… can’t. I’m sorry.”

(The customer ran outside, screaming. I found out later that he was going to lose his house if he didn’t make a payment by Tuesday, and he’d forgotten to. I’m still not sure how I was supposed to time-travel for him, though.)

Swear By Your Professionalism

| Germany | Working | February 24, 2017

(I get along fine with my boss and enjoy working for him, but we had a bit of a rocky start: I’m somewhat shy and he’s prone to angry outbursts, which intimidate me, and this seems to make things even worse. Then one day I decide to change things up a bit.)

Boss: *storms to my desk* “[My Name]! Where’s the f***ing file I need?”

Me: *in a calm tone* “I put the f***ing file on your desk this morning, sir. As requested.”

Boss: “Oh. That’s… fine. Carry on.” *pauses* “Did I say f***?”

Me: *still calm* “No, sir. That would be pretty f***ing unprofessional.”

Boss: *bursts out laughing* “D*** right.”

(He went back to his office happy as pie, and from then on work became a lot better. The best thing about it, though, was the face of my colleague, who overheard the exchange.)

Not Blind To Their Activity

| South Africa | Working | January 9, 2017

(My father is a prosecutor for the state working on a rather complex deposition, and is busy planning said deposition on the floor of his office since the space on his desk isn’t big enough. A young female student who has landed herself a clerkship is assisting him. They have another lawyer in their offices who is legally blind. The blind lawyer walks up to my father’s office, and opens the door.)

Blind Lawyer: “[Father], are you here?”

Father: “Yes, I’m here behind my desk on the floor.”

Young Female Clerk: *cheerily* “I’m here on the floor as well.”

Blind Lawyer: *cough cough* “Excuse me…”

(He took a step out of the office and closed the door again. I can just imagine what was going through his head.)

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