The Only Law Is It Should Be Always Served Piping Hot

, , , , | Right | September 1, 2017

(I work at a law office in Austin, and a woman that is clearly from New York comes in.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hello, can you please explain the custard laws from this place to me?”

(Thinking she meant ‘custody’ laws, I gladly print out a packet explaining the various custody laws in Austin. She reads part of it before saying:)

Customer: “Wait! It’s not ‘custard’?”

Me: “…No, it’s ‘custody’, ma’am.

Customer: *in a state of realization* “Oh! I thought it was ‘custard laws’!”

(I then explained how I thought she meant “custody” and not “custard”. We both had a good laugh about it, and we’ve been friends ever since!)

Pushing Through The Call And The Blame

| TX, USA | Working | July 13, 2017

(I am the receptionist for two lawyers, both with their own legal aides who tend to field client phone calls. More often than not, though, the side that does family law prefers I give her a message that the client has called.)

Aide: “Hey, if Miss [Client] calls, tell her I’m out for the day and get a message. I don’t want to talk to her. She’s gone off the deep end again. Probably on drugs.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll get message for you.”

(An hour later, the client calls.)

Client: “I need to speak to [Aide] right now!”

Me: “I’m sorry, Miss [Client], but she’s currently not in! Is everything okay?”

Client: “We just got off the phone with the district attorney. [Lawyer] hasn’t pushed through our paperwork for our son, and now there are issues! Tell her that she needs to call me ASAP to get this cleared through.” *slams phone down*

Me: *buzzing aide* “Hey, [Client] called; she’s really upset. Apparently [Lawyer] didn’t push through with some paperwork they were needing to get their son’s guardianship. She needs you to call her soon.”

Aide: “She’s always saying that. It’s never important. I’ll call her later.”

(A few hours later, I’m going to take Aide some messages, and I overhear her talking to the client.)

Aide: “Hi, Miss [Client]. I was just told that you’d called about something. What’s going on?” *pause* “Wait, you called when? I just now got the message! I’m so sorry; I’ve been here the whole time, wondering when you were going to call. Well, the problem is she’s new, and she doesn’t ever give us the messages like she’s supposed to.”

(After that, any time her clients call, I instantly ring them through to her so she can’t accuse me of not getting her any messages.)

What Are You Playing @?

| USA | Working | July 12, 2017

(I am talking to a woman who wants to send us a contract she wants our client to sign. The name of the law firm is the last names of the partners. Both names are very common.)

Me: “So you want to send it to [email protected]

Woman: “Can you spell that?”

Me: “I-n-f-o-at-s-m-i-t-h-j-o-n-e-s-dot com.”

Woman: “So that’s i-n-f-o-c-h.”

Me: “There’s no CH.”

Woman: “OH! I mean i-n-f-o-and.”

Me: “There’s no “and.” Where did you get “and”?”

Woman: “OH! I can’t read my writing. So it’s i-n-f-o- that email sign thingy – s-m-i-t-h-j-o-n-e-s-period-c-o-m. Right?”

Me: “Yes.”

Woman: “Your e-mail address is hard to figure out.”

(I’m sure she’ll wonder why we are recommending our client not sign the contract.)

Unfiltered Story #88999

, , | Unfiltered | June 2, 2017

I’m a lawyer. We deal with lots of immigration work, and charge a fee. One day, I get a call on my mobile from a withheld number- no idea where he got my details. The caller is about to be deported and wants me to represent him. He won’t tell me his name or address.

Caller: …And I want you to do it for free.

Me: Ah. Sorry, can’t help you with that. But if you call… (A charity that might be able to help)

Caller: WHAT THE F**K? If you don’t do it for free, I’ll… I’ll BREAK ALL MY FINGERS one after another until you do!

Me: I… what? Why? You just need to call…


Me: What? Stop, don’t… (There’s a horrible *SNAP* and cracking noise as he breaks one of his fingers. I hear the whole thing).

Caller: AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH! F***********K! (He starts sobbing in obvious agony).

Me: What did you do!? Stop it! Don’t… (*SNAP*)

Caller: (Sobbing gets worse) DO IT FOR FREE!

Me: Wait! Please! I can’t help you, but I know someone who… (*SNAP* *SNAP* Two go at once)

Caller: OHHHHH GODDDDDD (Sobbing)! WHY? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?! STOP IT, PLEASE! DO IT FOR FREEEEEEE! (*CRUNCH* This one sounds like it doesn’t break cleanly. He squeals in pain.)

Me: F**k. Where are you? I’m going to call you an ambulance.


I hang up, and run to the bathroom to throw up. I called the police and told them what I’d heard. They try to find the caller to get him to hospital, but they can’t trace the call and he never told me his name or address. That’s the last I hear of it.

About two years later, I’ve moved to another firm in the same area, and I get a call from another lawyer in that firm who’s had a call from a possible client and wants my opinion. Apparently, the client has told him that about two years ago, his lawyer cut off all his fingers because he couldn’t pay. Funnily enough, I don’t take the case.

Judged As A Scam

| PA, USA | Working | May 20, 2017

(I am a paralegal, and part of my job is to keep telemarketers and scammers from getting through to my boss.)

Guy: *on Phone* “Hello, am I speaking to the business owner?”

Me: “I am her assistant; may I help you?”

Guy: “Yes, I am [Obviously Fake Name] from [Obviously Fake Help Center], and I am calling to alert you that your computer has a virus!”

Me: “Oh, really?”

Guy: “Yes, and in order to salvage all your data, you will need to provide us with—”

Me: “Okay, first of all, I am fully aware this is a scam.”

Guy: “Miss, I assure you that—”

Me: “Second of all, you do realize you’ve called an attorney’s office?”

Guy: “…”

Me: “A practicing attorney on friendly terms with three local court judges. And whose caller ID identifies your phone number as [phone number], your business name as ‘Unlisted, Unknown,’ and YOUR name as—”

Guy: *slams down the phone*

Attorney: *from her office next door* “You are the first and best line of defence!”

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