The Notion Of This Potion Is Magic

, , , , , | Working | January 17, 2018

(I work as a secretary for a busy lawyer. Towards the end of the year the office is incredibly busy as clients remember all the “urgent” things they had lying around for weeks, but which now can’t wait till after the holidays. As per his wishes, I’m trying to keep people away from my boss, but even so, his schedule is completely full. When an important client calls, I make no promises to the client, but let my boss know that in this case the customer may be right, and it does seem urgent. It is, so they arrange for a phone call. During the day, I often tiptoe into my boss’ office to get signatures, and I happen to walk in while he is talking to this client. I only catch this gem:)

Boss: “Gosh, no. We’re incredibly busy, that’s all; Ms. [My Name] is fighting tooth and nail to get me some breathing space, but it’s just not happening. So far, no one’s invented a magic potion or anything.”

(I get an idea, so I leave quickly and return a few minutes later to place a fresh cup of coffee on his desk. My boss glances at it and starts laughing.)

Boss: *still on the phone* “I’m so sorry! Ms. [My Name] has found the magic potion and brought me coffee.” *pause* “No, you can’t have her. I found her and I’m keeping her.”

Judge-mental Comments

, , , , , , , | Working | November 22, 2017

(My boss, a lawyer, has given me written-up notes on the different judges he goes in front of, so I can type them out. As I read through the notes, I find interesting nuggets of descriptions he uses for different ones. These, so far, are my favorites.)

Note #1: “Sits there like a hairy Yoda.”

Note #2: “C***sucker hairstyle.”

Note #3: “Prejudiced down to her heart. What an a**hole.”

Note #4: “Monkey face to match his monkey fumbling.”

Note #5: “Attractive brunette. She gets flustered around me; I think she has a crush! I know I do.”

Note #6: “Has hair like a troll. I think he is a troll; lives under his desk and smells like he sucks on his feet.”

Note #7: “Don’t say boo — already so pale, a ghost is darker.”

The Only Law Is It Should Be Always Served Piping Hot

, , , , | Right | September 1, 2017

(I work at a law office in Austin, and a woman that is clearly from New York comes in.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hello, can you please explain the custard laws from this place to me?”

(Thinking she meant ‘custody’ laws, I gladly print out a packet explaining the various custody laws in Austin. She reads part of it before saying:)

Customer: “Wait! It’s not ‘custard’?”

Me: “…No, it’s ‘custody’, ma’am.

Customer: *in a state of realization* “Oh! I thought it was ‘custard laws’!”

(I then explained how I thought she meant “custody” and not “custard”. We both had a good laugh about it, and we’ve been friends ever since!)

Pushing Through The Call And The Blame

| TX, USA | Working | July 13, 2017

(I am the receptionist for two lawyers, both with their own legal aides who tend to field client phone calls. More often than not, though, the side that does family law prefers I give her a message that the client has called.)

Aide: “Hey, if Miss [Client] calls, tell her I’m out for the day and get a message. I don’t want to talk to her. She’s gone off the deep end again. Probably on drugs.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll get message for you.”

(An hour later, the client calls.)

Client: “I need to speak to [Aide] right now!”

Me: “I’m sorry, Miss [Client], but she’s currently not in! Is everything okay?”

Client: “We just got off the phone with the district attorney. [Lawyer] hasn’t pushed through our paperwork for our son, and now there are issues! Tell her that she needs to call me ASAP to get this cleared through.” *slams phone down*

Me: *buzzing aide* “Hey, [Client] called; she’s really upset. Apparently [Lawyer] didn’t push through with some paperwork they were needing to get their son’s guardianship. She needs you to call her soon.”

Aide: “She’s always saying that. It’s never important. I’ll call her later.”

(A few hours later, I’m going to take Aide some messages, and I overhear her talking to the client.)

Aide: “Hi, Miss [Client]. I was just told that you’d called about something. What’s going on?” *pause* “Wait, you called when? I just now got the message! I’m so sorry; I’ve been here the whole time, wondering when you were going to call. Well, the problem is she’s new, and she doesn’t ever give us the messages like she’s supposed to.”

(After that, any time her clients call, I instantly ring them through to her so she can’t accuse me of not getting her any messages.)

What Are You Playing @?

| USA | Working | July 12, 2017

(I am talking to a woman who wants to send us a contract she wants our client to sign. The name of the law firm is the last names of the partners. Both names are very common.)

Me: “So you want to send it to [email protected]

Woman: “Can you spell that?”

Me: “I-n-f-o-at-s-m-i-t-h-j-o-n-e-s-dot com.”

Woman: “So that’s i-n-f-o-c-h.”

Me: “There’s no CH.”

Woman: “OH! I mean i-n-f-o-and.”

Me: “There’s no “and.” Where did you get “and”?”

Woman: “OH! I can’t read my writing. So it’s i-n-f-o- that email sign thingy – s-m-i-t-h-j-o-n-e-s-period-c-o-m. Right?”

Me: “Yes.”

Woman: “Your e-mail address is hard to figure out.”

(I’m sure she’ll wonder why we are recommending our client not sign the contract.)

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