A Pain In The Head And An Itch In The You-Know-What

, , , , | Legal | April 6, 2020

The particular client has been a headache for her entire case, which is unfortunate, seeing as her auto accident settled before her worker’s comp case.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Law Firm]! This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Client: “I want to speak to my g**d*** attorney, right f****** now!”

Me: “I do apologize, but first, I will not permit you to verbally abuse me. Secondly, [Boss’s Partner] is out of the office today due to the recent outbreak and his wife being severely immunocompromised. I can schedule you for April 1st.”

Yes, the importance of that date escapes me.

Client: “I won’t accept that. I have two flat tires, my daughter has lice, schools are out, and I have an itchy f****** vagina! You a**holes are sitting on ten grand of my money and I want to drive down and get it now!

I’m stunned, and I automatically speak in a customer service voice.

Me: “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”

Client: “I said, I have an itchy f****** vagina!

Me: “Right, so I can schedule that call to speak with [Boss’s Partner] on April 1st. Will 11:00 am work for you?”

Fortunately, after three days of her calling and being verbally abusive and inappropriate, my boss called her and got her some of her money!

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She’s A Different Kind Of Calendar Girl

, , , , , | Working | March 26, 2020

(I work for a personal injury attorney. My job mainly involves handling irate clients and keeping track of problems with clients, so I describe myself as a trouble-shooting receptionist.)

Boss: *at 8:30* “I need you to focus on clearing [Paralegal]’s calendar today since she’s out sick with the flu.”

Me: “Yes, sir. I can certainly attempt to do that.” 

Boss: *at 10:30* “Why are you calling [Client]?”

Me: “Because it was on [Paralegal]’s calendar?”

Boss: “I don’t pay you to do [Paralegal]’s job! I missed two telephone conferences because you didn’t call them!”

Me: “But… you told me to clear her calendar!”

Boss: “You should have known I had these conferences!”

Me: “I didn’t even pull up your calendar today!”

Boss: “Well, you should always have my calendar up!”

Boss’ Partner: *overheard through phone* “God d*** it, [Boss], you told her to clear [Paralegal]’s calendar! Dial your own calls for once!”

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The Will Power Of Attorneys (Not To Slap Stupid Clients)

, , , | Right | February 14, 2020

(I am a lawyer; I do a lot of wills and power of attorney executions. One day, I have a client who comes in to do a will and POA. She wants to know how much it will cost. I tell her that my hourly rate is $185 and, however long it takes, that’s how much I will charge for. Between meeting with her, responding to a bunch of emails from her, and actually preparing the will and POAs, I spend a little over two and a half hours. I decide to be nice and round that down to an even $450. She comes in and signs the will and pays her bill happily. The next day, I get a call from her. She is furious.)

Client: “I checked my watch; I only spent a total of fifteen minutes with you. You massively overcharged me! I shouldn’t have paid more than fifty bucks for this.”

Me: “[Client], do you think that a will just materializes the second you leave the office? It takes time to prepare documents. You don’t just get charged for the time you spend in my office — which, by the way, was more like an hour. I’m sorry the bill was more than you expected, but I was very clear with my pricing up front.”

Client: “But I only spent an hour on this!”

Me: “I know that, but you pay for my time, not yours.”

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Enlarging Your Client Base

, , , , , | Right | January 27, 2020

I work at a law office and part of my job is to screen potential new clients — PNC — to help our attorney decide if they have a case or not.

Today, this flashed on my screen from our online contact form.

“PNC requests a callback regarding car accident, and her insurance company is now refusing to cover the cost of a breast enlargement that her doctor stated was to help her balance after car accident caused spinal issues.”

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Looks Like She Just Discovered A New Legal Term!

, , , | Legal | November 9, 2019

(I work for a legal office. We are a small office and I am the only secretary here on this day. I get a phone call.)

Me: “[Law Office].”

Caller: “Yes, hi, I’d like to speak to an attorney. Are you an attorney?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m just a secretary. Our attorney is in court. Can I take a message?”

Caller: “No, I’d just like to speak to an attorney. Are you an attorney?”

Me: *internally screaming* “No, ma’am, I’m not. But may I take a message?”

Caller: “Yes, I want to see about suing someone for alienation of affection.”

Me: *pause* “Can you give me some more information, ma’am?”

Caller: “Yes, my husband cheated with a floozie in [Town] and I want to talk to someone about alienation of affection!”

Me: “Ma’am, are you wanting to get a divorce?”

Caller: “Oh, no, we’ve been divorced for two and a half years… but I found out that before we got divorced, he was cheating on me with this woman from [Town], and now I want to sue her for alienation of affection!”

(I took her contact information for the message and hung up. As soon as the phone was disconnected, I had a hearty laugh for a minute. I’ve worked in the legal field for years and never heard the term “alienation of affection” before!)

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