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Your Silence Speaks Volumes

, , , , | Right | September 10, 2020

I’m the problem-solving legal assistant from Enlarging Your Client Base and She’s A Different Kind of Calendar Girl.

Due to the health crisis, we have stopped having in-person meetings with our clients, preferring Skype or telephone calls. Most clients are grateful for our efforts to keep them safe and have been nothing but complimentary of the staff’s efforts to remain personal but professional.

One client belonging to my boss — the villain of the “Calendar Girl” story — calls in for a conference and, while covering basic questions about medical treatment, gives me this treat:

Client: “I have to ask, is [Boss] as condescending, arrogant, and b****y in person as he sounds on the phone?”

Me: “I… I really couldn’t say.”

Client: “Oh, right. He can fire you.”

Me: “Yes… Yes, he can.”

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Can’t He Just Celebrate On The Weekend Like A Normal Adult?

, , , | Legal | September 4, 2020

I am the manager of a law firm. I have spent several days coordinating a date and time for a deposition. The next day, I get a phone call.

Junior Lawyer: “Hi, I’m [Junior Lawyer]. I represent [Client Being Deposed]. I need to talk to you about rescheduling his deposition.”

Me: “Why?” 

Junior Lawyer: “I’ve just been told that it’s my client’s birthday. We need a different day, preferably a Tuesday.”

Me: “I had to find a day that worked for four different law firms, a judge, and your client. This was the only available day.”

Junior Lawyer: “But it’s his birthday!”

Me: “He’s a sixty-year-old man who works for the state. Are you telling me he’s not working that day?”

Junior Lawyer: “He’s working but… it’s still his birthday.”

Me: “I’m not going to reschedule unless you clear it with the judge.”

She calls back a few minutes later to tell me she’s got the judge on a conference call.

Junior Lawyer: “[Judge], I have [My Name] on the line. She says she can’t reschedule the deposition unless you clear it.”

Judge: “Why do I have to clear the date? You can change the date as long as my schedule permits.”

Me: “I wanted you to be aware of the reason for the change. It’s her client’s birthday.”

Judge: “So?”

Me: “She wants to change because he doesn’t want to do it on his birthday.”


Judge: “Are you really telling me that we spent days trying to schedule this and now it’s not going to work because it’s his birthday?!”

Junior Lawyer: “Well, he wants to go…”

Judge: “I’m sure he can go to Chuck E. Cheese a different day. We’re not changing. Goodbye!”

Me: “So, I’m going to go ahead and confirm the date now.”

Junior Lawyer: *Sighs heavily* “Okay. He’s not going to be happy.”

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Talk About Leaving Things To The Last Minute

, , , | Legal | August 29, 2020

I take a call at 2:00 pm.

Client: “If I get documents to you by the end of the day, can you still file them with the court today?”

Me: “Yeah, sure. There will be a rush fee, but I should be able to do it. What type of documents are they?”

Client: “It’s a [document asking the judge to reschedule a hearing date].”

Me: “Oh, okay, that’s pretty straight forward. I can—”

Client: “Yeah, the hearing was today.”

Me: “…”

Client: “So, can you still get over there?”

Me: “…”

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When Your Boss Is The Law

, , , , , | Right | August 14, 2020

Me: “Good morning, you’ve reached [Law Firm].”

Caller: “I require a telephone consultation with the attorney.”

Me: “May I have your name, sir?”

Caller: “Why should I tell you my name?”

Me: “So that I can run a conflict check, sir.”

He grudgingly gives me his name. I ask a few more general questions, which he answers equally grudgingly.

Me: “All right, sir, the attorney’s next availability for a consult—”

Caller: “Tomorrow! It has to be tomorrow!”

Me: “I cannot guarantee that they will have availability tomorrow, sir, but I will check the calendar.”

Caller: “I am an important man, my time is important, and I need [Attorney] to speak with me as soon as possible. Which means tomorrow.”

Me: “Again, sir, I cannot promise to schedule you for tomorrow, but I will look.”

Caller: “You are terribly rude and useless, aren’t you?”

Me: *Pause* “Excuse me?”

Caller: “You are the most unkind and unhelpful person I have ever dealt with.”

Me: “I’m very sorry you feel that way.”

My boss, the attorney in question, is in the connecting office, and while she cannot hear everything I’m saying, she can hear my tone.

Boss: *Via chat* “You sound angry; what is this person saying?”

I put the phone on speaker.

Caller: “I tell you, if you worked for me, I would have taught you how to speak to your betters, rather than being argumentative and disrespectful!”

Me: “Sir, if you feel that I am argumentative and disrespectful, then I assure you that you do not want to work with [Attorney].”

Caller: “[Attorney] was recommended to me by several people! I will have only the best! And when I speak to them, I will tell them how unhelpful and rude you have been!”

Boss: *Via chat* “Schedule him for first thing tomorrow and transfer him straight to me, and I will tell him that I have no interest in working for someone like him.”

Me: “[Attorney] is available first thing tomorrow morning, sir.”

Caller: “Finally! This has been an ordeal! If you still have a job after tomorrow, I trust you will at least have learned common courtesy towards those of us who pay your salary.”

The next morning, my boss spoke with him for two minutes, told him off for his rudeness, said she would never work with someone so argumentative and discourteous, hung up, and blocked his number. I love my boss.

This story is part of our Best Of August 2020 roundup!

Read the next Best Of August 2020 story!

Read the Best Of August 2020 roundup!

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Was Your Brain Confiscated, Too?

, , , | Legal | August 5, 2020

I answer the phone at the investigation department at the police station.

Caller: “Hi. I’m with [Law Firm], and the son of one of our clients had his car confiscated.”

Me: “Okay, can you give me the vehicle’s plate number?”

Caller: “I don’t have that.”

Me: “What is the son’s ID number?”

Caller: “I don’t have that, either.”

Me: “What’s his name?”

Caller: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Do you have your client’s ID number?”

Caller: *Pause* “Let me call you back.”

He never did.

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