About a year ago, I purchased a new home. Immediately after closing, I contacted the city to have the water put in my name. The next day, I had no water, so I contacted the city again.

Me: “Hello. My name is [My Name] and I am at [My Address]. I have no water.”

City Worker: “Yes, I see that you called to turn the water off.”

Me: “I can assure you that I did not call to have the water turned off.”

City Worker: “No, I see here clearly that you called yesterday to turn the water off. We followed your instructions.”

Me: “No, you did not follow my instructions. Did you ask who you were speaking with?”

City Worker: “I am not sure. I was not the one who took the call.”

Me: “I purchased the home yesterday and called to have service put in my name. It seems like the former owner called without realizing that I had already taken care of it. If the person who took the call didn’t bother to find out who they were talking to, they turned the water off in error.”

City Worker: “But we followed the instructions of the person who called. We didn’t do anything wrong.”

Me: “Okay, fine. Please turn the water back on at [my address] and then turn the water off at [address of city hall].”

City Worker: “Oh, we can’t do that. That isn’t your property.”

Me: “EXACTLY.”

Related:
H2-Slow, Part 31
H2-Slow, Part 30
H2-Slow, Part 29
H2-Slow, Part 28
H2-Slow, Part 27

I’m working the TSA line, guiding passengers through trays and scanners. It’s busy but moving steady. My coworker is basically ‘Big Momma’ from the movies of the same name, down to every stereotype. A larger-than-life African American woman who is full of love but suffers no BS.

A passenger comes up rolling a carry-on and is already annoyed.

Passenger: “This is ridiculous. Shoes, belts, laptops, every time I fly, there’s something new!”

Me: “Same protocols as last time, sir. Nothing’s changed.”

Passenger: “Exactly. That’s the problem. It’s theater. You don’t need all this.”

Me: “We follow federal procedure.”

Passenger: “I travel every week. I know what’s actually necessary.”

He starts unloading reluctantly, muttering the whole time.

Passenger: “You people just like to make it harder than it has to be.”

He finishes tossing his items in the bin when ‘Big Momma’ has had enough and stands directly in front of him, separated only by the tray conveyor belt.

Big Momma: “Honey, cleared passengers catch flights; cleared throats catch delays. We here ’til 6 AM, you wanna still be here when I be done?”

Some years ago, I moved from New Jersey to Mississippi. I needed to get a Mississippi driver’s license. In the move, however, my birth certificate had been lost. I went online to order a new one from New York, the state in which I was born. I provided my New Jersey license as proof of who I was.

Cue the maddening runaround. Most of this took place by email. I was told that they could only mail the birth certificate to the address on my license. In New Jersey. I wrote back, explaining the predicament, and kept getting a copy-and-paste reply with the requirements. I was told to get a Mississippi license so the certificate could be mailed there. This would be the Mississippi license that I could not get without the birth certificate.

I emailed again. I got another copy-and-pasted reply that told me I would then have to submit two of the following: a land-based utility bill or a letter from a government agency that showed my Mississippi address. I wrote again, telling them that I was living on family property and had no utilities in my name. And I had no letters from a government agency. The reply I received suggested that I get a Mississippi license so the certificate could be mailed there.

I tried for days to get someone on the phone. When I finally spoke to someone and explained the situation, I was told I had to come to their office in person. When I mentioned the fact that I was about 1300 miles away, they had nothing further to offer.

I kept trying the email routine every few months over the next two years. Things only became more urgent when it was coming within six months of my New Jersey license’s expiration date. Then, luck and a little ingenuity came to my side. I knew that if I went to Social Security and said that I lost my card, they would order a new one and provide me with a letter that said a replacement would be forthcoming. That was my first government letter.

As luck would have it, my boss was friends with [Mayor], a man who had recently been elected mayor in [Town], a nearby town. I went to [Boss], explained the situation, and asked if [Mayor] could help. Of course, he did! Within an hour, I was the recipient of one lovely letter from [Mayor] on [Town] letterhead, thanking me for my support. My second government letter!

I was able to get my birth certificate within a few days.

I work in an independent grocery store that’s effectively an oversized convenience store. As a result, we don’t have a corporate office, and management is more flexible with how we treat problem customers.

This also means we can have humorous retail-related signs up about the store. Most of them are of the humorous “unaccompanied kids will be given a Red Bull and a puppy” vibe, but some are actually useful.

Customer: “So that sign above you…”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Customer: “It real?”

Me: “You mean the one that says ‘Customers who are rude to staff will be forced to take their place until someone is rude to them.’?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Only one way to find out.”

Customer: “…I’m good.”

We finish the transaction in silence. His wife is also with him, and she ends up paying while he silently bags at the end of the checkout.

Customer’s Wife: “That’s crazy. The car drive over here he wouldn’t stop talking about how he was going to complain about the price of eggs, and he was gonna ruin someone’s day. I told him it ain’t your fault, but he was dead set on it. But he saw your sign and he backed down.”

Me: “You know the sign is just a joke, right? No one is going to force him to work here.”

Customer’s Wife: “Oh, I know, but one time he believed he was cursed by not forwarding one of those chain letters on Facebook, so now he kinda respects the process.”

Me: “I see! Well, if he knew how often we had to deal with rude customers, it wouldn’t have ended up being much of a deterrent. He’d be working here an hour max before being replaced by the next rude customer.”

Customer’s Wife: “I don’t know if I should laugh or cry for you.”

Me: “Do both! We all do during our breaks!”

We both smiled weakly at each other and went on with our days.

A story from my friend (fake name Mel) who worked as a waitress in an Indian restaurant during her college days.

This restaurant served only vegetarian food (Indians have a LOT of vegetarian cuisine) and also had a lot of vegan dishes; however, not all food was vegan, as a lot of their dishes incorporate milk and milk products. Obviously, we would get a lot of people confusing vegetarian food as vegan. To combat this problem, they made a menu card with vegan dishes in light green color and vegetarian dishes in a dark green color, also a lot of disclaimers about the same.

The waiters were also instructed to inform the customers if their order was vegan or vegetarian. This sets the scene, we get a couple, the girl was busy talking to someone on her phone outside, so her boyfriend came to give both orders. 

Boyfriend: “I’d like to order a saag paneer with garlic naan bread for myself and a paneer tikka roll with veg biryani for my girlfriend.”

Mel: “Great choice, sir; however, I’d like to inform you guys that all of these dishes contain paneer, which is a goat milk product, so if you guys are vegan, you might consider switching paneer to tofu.”

Boyfriend: *Slightly annoyed.* “So… this restaurant doesn’t serve veggies? D*** it, I took so long to find a vegetarian restaurant. Why are you guys doing false advertisement?”

Mel: “I’m sorry for the confusion, sir, we serve vegetarian and vegan dishes only, however, these dishes contain milk products.”

Boyfriend: “I DON’T CARE AS LONG AS YOU GIVE ME VEGGIES! DON’T WASTE MY TIME ON THIS DUMB S***!”

He did not let Mel continue and kinda shooed her away, so she went ahead with the orders. They got the orders and enjoyed them. When it came time for billing:

Girlfriend: “The food here is so great, I loved the vegan dishes you offered, the tofu was sooo good! I’ve never had such creamy tofu before.”

Mel: *Panicking.* “Ma’am, your order did not contain tofu; it had paneer, which is a type of goat cheese.”

Girlfriend: *Color washing away from her face.* “WHAT! WHY DID YOU NOT SERVE ME TOFU! I HAD CLEARLY TOLD [BOYFRIEND] TO SWITCH PANEER WITH TOFU!”

Mel: “Ma’am, he had ordered paneer tikka rolls, and I informed him about it containing milk products.”

Girlfriend: *To her boyfriend.* “I clearly told you to instruct them to switch paneer to tofu!”

Boyfriend: “What is wrong with you and your dumb food tastes? You told me you are vegetarian now; you have a problem with that too?!”

Girlfriend: “IT’S VEGAN! NOT VEGETARIAN! AND HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS AGAIN?!”

They kept on fighting for some time, and in the end, the girlfriend broke up with him and stormed out of the restaurant. The boyfriend blamed this breakup on Mel and complained about her to her manager. Luckily, the manager had witnessed the whole thing and took Mel’s side. The boyfriend then shouted some more threats, threw the money on the ground, and stormed off.

The girlfriend came back the next day, very apologetic to Mel for the day before, and told her that she is allergic to milk and breaks out in hives after consuming milk products – we can see her already breaking out. 

The boyfriend always thought it was BS and gave her milk products. She had had enough of the disrespect and broke up with him. She gave Mel a good tip and said she would recommend this restaurant to all her friends.