Pranking You From The Basement To The Attic

, , , , , | Working | August 12, 2017

(I work for an ice cream parlor with a 1920’s style. It is a fun place to work, but we have our share of pranking. I am leaning on the counter of the main soda fountain.)

Jerk: “Hey, [My Name], don’t lean on the counter! It warps the marble.”

Me: “Oh, BS. No, it doesn’t.”

Jerk: “Sure it does. Look at the surface!”

(He gets his eyes level with the marble counter top so I mimic his behavior to look for myself, but unknown to me he’s armed with a whip-cream can almost on empty so it’s capable of spewing foam like a squirt gun. I got a face full of whipped cream from across the counter. Oh, and “Jerk” is the job title for a soda jerk. Come to think of it, he was just a jerk. Other times we would get a new hire to go hunting in the back room for blueberry topping. Plausible, I suppose, but there was no such thing. One time the rookie managed to get two others helping him look. Sometimes we would send a new guy looking for something in the basement. The restaurant was built on a slab and it was obvious (I certainly didn’t bite when it was tried on me). Eventually the new guy would discover that a basement was impossible. But to complete this prank, you needed a manager’s help. It went a bit like this:)

Employee: “Hey, the manager says to get a box of straw hats from the attic.”

New Hire: “Yeah, right. Pull the other one. I already got taken by the basement gag.”

Employee: “No, seriously, the manager said to get them from the attic.”

New Hire: “Go away!”

Employee: “Suit yourself”

(Shortly after that the manager storms up to the new hire.)

Manager: “You were supposed get hats from the attic.”

New Hire: *stammering* “But there’s no attic!”

Manager: “Come here!”

(The manager leads the employee to a conspicuous chain by the break room and tugs down the ladder. The employee turns red, but never actually gets in trouble. On one of my last days there, late in the year, one other employee (also about to quit) tells me he’s put liquid detergent in the gas tank of the lawnmower. That sucker was never going start. I pitied the poor employee who got the task of trying to start that thing in the spring. The last I checked, lawnmowers don’t run on soap suds.)

It’s Not A Party If There’s No Banjo

, , , , | Friendly | August 12, 2017

Me: “Guess what I did last night!”

Coworker: “Partaaaay?”

Me: “What? Me? On a Friday night? Partying?”

Coworker: “No partaaay?”

Me: “No, I learned how to play the banjo.”

American Sniping Comments

, , , , , | Right | August 11, 2017

(It is opening night of “American Sniper” and we we’re playing it in our biggest theater as well as some other smaller theaters to offer more showtimes. We had our 7:45 show sell out at 7:00 pm so we quickly canceled other movies to be able to add showtimes at 8:10 pm and 8:30 pm. A guest arrives at 8:00 pm expecting to still have seats available for the 7:45 pm.)

Guest: “Is there a reason you are only playing this movie in tiny theaters?”

Coworker: “Well, sir, we are also playing it in larger theaters but to make room for more people we had to put it in smaller theaters.”

Guest: “This is ridiculous. It’s up for an Academy.”

Coworker: “Sir, I would be happy to switch you to a later showtime in a bigger theater.”

Guest: “I want to see it now in a big theater.”

(He continues to complain for a while before deciding not to see it at all.)

Other Guest: “I am so sorry people are a**-holes. Thank you for adding showtimes. We really appreciate how much you do for your guests!”

Just Another Manic Tuesday

, , , | Working | August 11, 2017

(At the time I am 38 weeks pregnant and have just arrived a half-hour late to my OB appointment because I had gotten the appointment time screwed up. Luckily, they are able to squeeze me in. The following exchange takes place with my OB’s nurse. Needless to say we were both having off days!)

Nurse: “And how are we feeling today?”

Me: “Very tired. I’m not sure if I’m coming or going today.”

Nurse: “Oh, I know the feeling! Instead of testing your urine for glucose, I ran a pregnancy test. The good news is that you’re pregnant!”

(We both have a good laugh at this.)

Me: “Well, that’s good to know. Otherwise I would think there was something seriously wrong with me. I guess we both have a case of the Mondays today.”

(The nurse gives me a funny look.)

Nurse: “Actually, it’s Tuesday…”

(We both started cracking up again. Luckily the rest of my day went much smoother. I hope the same was true for the nurse!)

Has Been Volunteering That Information

, , , , , | Right | August 9, 2017

(I live very close to a library and often go there to help out. The librarians all know and respect me. I am however, quite young.)

Librarian: “Hello, [My Name].”

Me: “Hello! Anything you need done today?”

Librarian: “Could you shelve the books?”

(I start shelving the books — a whole cart full — when this particular patron comes in.)

Patron: *looking at me* “You know, you really shouldn’t be messing with their books. They work hard to shelve them!”

Me: “I am shelving them. I volunteer here.”

Patron: “No, you don’t! You’re too young to be working here!”

Me: “I don’t work here. I volunteer here.”

(The patron keeps badgering me, so I ignore her and keep working. When I’m almost done with the cart, she comes back.)

Patron: “Why are you still messing with the books? You don’t work here!”

Me: “Fine! Ask me anything about this library; I’ll answer correctly.”

Patron: “How much for printing?”

Me: “A black and white page is 25 cents, a color text page is one dollar, and a color image is two dollars.”

Patron: “Anyone can do that.” *seeing a librarian come out of the back room* “Miss! Did you know this girl has been messing up your books for the past hour?”

Librarian: “[My Name]? No, she was shelving them. She volunteers here.”

Patron: *taken aback* “Well, I bet she shelved them wrong.”

Librarian: *doing a quick run through* “Nope. They are all here. [My Name], how about a cookie?”

(I march myself into the back room, get a cookie, and eat it in front of the awestruck patron.)

Patron: *huffs and angrily stomps out of the library*

Me: “By the way, those books are due back in two weeks!”

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