There Will Be More Than Just A Dead Name At This Rate

, , , , , , | Related | December 17, 2019

(My husband and I have the same, gender-neutral, first name; however, mine is spelled in a more feminine way. His family is EXTREMELY traditional Southern while my husband and I are more progressive. We decided early on that we would not take each other’s last names as it would be too confusing, and if we have any children, their last name will be hyphenated. This story occurs while I am six months pregnant with our first child, visiting his extended family in Mississippi. His aunt is asking us about names for the baby and we tell her a few of our ideas.)

Aunt: “Hmm… [First Name] [Husband’s Last Name] sounds really good! I like that a lot!”

Husband: “Actually, it would be [My Last Name]-[His Last Name].”

Aunt: “Well, why would it be like that? That seems silly to have her dead name on the baby!”

Me: “Um, my dead name? You realize I didn’t change my last name, right? Also, I’m putting in over half of the work on this kid; there is no reason why he shouldn’t have my last name. And it is extremely rude to call my maiden name my ‘dead name.’”

Mother-In-Law: “YOU DIDN’T CHANGE YOUR LAST NAME?! DO YOU NOT LOVE YOUR HUSBAND? When we get back, I’ll find the paperwork to get your name changed.”

Me: “No, I didn’t, and yes, I clearly love him. However, logistically, it did not make sense for me to change my name. And no, you don’t need to do that, because I am not changing my name.”

Aunt: “Regardless of your ‘feelings,’ it is disrespectful to his family if you choose to completely disregard our name! It is the one thing we have keeping us together!”

Me: “If your name is the ‘only thing you have keeping you together,’ that is your problem, not mine. Besides, this is our decision, and it does not mean that we love each other any less.”

Aunt: “Well, fine. But I’ll have you know that kids with hyphenated last names grow up to be drug dealers and in jail! You should be arrested for child abuse for putting your child at risk like that!”

Husband: “Aaaand now we are leaving. Until you can get past whatever this is, you will not be seeing our child.”

(Three years later, the aunt has still never met our child and still refuses to speak to me or my husband. She sends my mother-in-law links on how to change a baby’s name about once a month.)

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For Those Who Think Parmesan Is The Papa Of All Cheeses

, , , , | Right | October 9, 2019

(I work in a pizza place that is NOT Papa John’s.)

Kid: “Can I have some Papa John’s cheese?”

Me: “I don’t know what that is. “

Kid: “My mama said to get some Papa John cheese. “

Me: “Do you mean Parmesan cheese?”

Kid: “I don’t know. I guess so. “

(I took him to the counter where the Parmesan cheese was. He took some, still unsure, but didn’t come back so I guess that’s what his mom sent him after.)

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How You Found Out I Am Quitting Is One Of The Reasons Why I Am Quitting

, , , , | Working | October 1, 2019

(My workplace is incredibly dysfunctional and the managers tend to be either lazy or crazy; there’s no in-between. My shift manager is incredibly vulgar. She also hates me and is very vocal about it for some reason. I finally decide to turn in my two weeks notice, but the owner has been AWOL for almost a week. I leave it on his desk in his office, which is always open, with the big letters “FOR [BOSS]” on the envelope. Ten minutes later:)

Shift Manager: “[My Name], can I get a hand with something in the walk-in?”

(I go into the walk-in, accepting my fate.)

Shift Manager: “Do you have something you wanna tell me?”

Me: “Um… no?”

Shift Manager: “Why the f*** are you quitting?!”

Me: “Why did you open up an envelope marked, ‘FOR [BOSS]’?”

Shift Manager: “Because I’m a manager! I can do whatever I want!”

(We proceed to have an uncomfortably long conversation of her trying to convince me to stay, which I decline.)

Me: “I almost got fired a month ago, [Shift Manager]. I’m not getting a raise and you don’t have the authority to give me one! This place also doesn’t make schedules, and I tend to just get texts late at night that say if I work the next morning or not!”

(I haven’t heard anything in a week.)

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It’s A Dog’s Life, Indeed!

, , , , , , | Related | August 1, 2019

My aunt is one of those people who treats her dogs like her biological children, but she takes it to the next level. Here are a few of the things that she does for them:

She feeds them only eggs for every meal.

She has rugs laid out so they don’t have to walk on the hardwood floors.

Every holiday, she gives them each a full human meal.

She has them open their own presents every Christmas and still gives gifts in their names — we’re all above the age of 25, by the way!

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Unfiltered Story #156833

, , | Unfiltered | July 3, 2019

(I work at a movie theater/restaurant with a very strict no cell phone policy. I’d noticed that a woman has been standing outside of one of our theaters for quite some time, talking to someone on the phone. There’s nothing wrong in her doing this, seeing as she’s not in the theater. I return later with a tray full of food to deliver to the theater, and the woman is still on the phone. As I approach, she flags me down.)
Woman: Sir, hello, excuse me! Could you tell him about your cell phone policy? Here, I’ll put him on speaker phone. (She taps the speaker phone button and holds the phone in front of me.)
Me: Oh, um… Well, we have a very strict no cell phones policy during showtime, you’ll receive a warning from a manager and then you’ll be thrown out without a refund if you are a repeat offender.
Another employee: It’s no tolerance.
Me: Yeah…
(The lady returned to her phone call, clearly angry at who she was talking to, and promptly hung up on him. She apologized and thanked the two of us for helping.)