Suddenly Feeling Very Sorry For That Sister

, , , | | Right | May 14, 2019

(I work in a small cigar store that doesn’t have the space for a public restroom. The one we do have is for employees only because it is in the back with the rest of the stock. A customer comes up to the counter.)

Me: “Did you find everything all right?”

Customer: “No! I need to pee. Where is your bathroom?!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir, but the only one we have is for employees only.”

(The customer stands by quietly while I finish ringing up his purchase.)

Customer: *unintelligible grumbling* “…right here!”

Me: “Excuse me, sir?”

Customer: “I said, ‘What if I peed right here?’ I don’t know if I can hold it.”

Me:Please do not pee here, sir!”

Customer: *as he’s walking out* “I’ll call my sister! She’ll know what to do!”

The (In The) Red Wedding

, , , , , | Friendly | April 8, 2019

(After Hurricane Katrina, my church sends a group of volunteers several times to a “sister parish” in Mississippi to help clean up and rebuild. During one such trip, I drive with a younger priest originally from Vietnam to the nearby home improvement store to buy some supplies we need and pick up some stuff ordered previously. We go up to the business desk where the clerk and priest greet each other, obviously knowing each other well. After the clerk rings up the purchases, the priest and clerk immediately begin serious dickering over the total. After much back and forth, eventually, they settle on about 10% off after the priest promises to officiate the weddings of both the clerk’s children for free. Just then, the priest remembers something we have forgotten and runs off to get it.)

Me: “You know, the church doesn’t actually charge for weddings.”

(Note: they do suggest a stipend.)

Clerk: “Oh, I know that. We would have given you guys the 10% off, anyway, but Father loves to dicker, so I let him have his fun!”

Unfiltered Story #145530

, , | Unfiltered | March 31, 2019

(I work in an adult store, but I answer the phone for the topless club next door as well.)

Caller: How do I get a job as a dancer?
Me: You fill out an application and speak to a manager.
Caller: Okay. Can I speak to a manager?
Me: No. You have to come in for that. (That’s not necessarily true, but I can hear two other girls laughing in the background and realize it’s a prank call.)
Caller: Well I want to speak to him now.
Me: You’ll have to come in and fill out an application and speak to him in person.
Caller: I’m real pretty and I’ll make ya’ll lots of money.
Me: Mmk.
Caller: So am I hired?
Me: (sarcastically) Did you fill out an application?
Caller: Did you let me speak to a manager?
Me: (even more sarcastically) Did you come in and speak to him in person?
Caller: No.
Me: Alright then. *click*

(They called back the next night and after asking how to get hired, they continued with this.)
Caller: Well I’ve got two friends who want to work their too. One’s name is Rider. (passes phone)
“Rider”: They call me Rider ’cause I ride that pole.
Me: (rolls eyes) Okay.
Third girl: Yeah and they call me (I missed the fake name because I wasn’t really paying attention.) because once I start thrusting nothing can stop me.
Me: (dryly) That’s great. I’m hanging up now. *click*

(They called back one more time before apparently getting bored of it.)

Caller: Yeah my name is Chocolate Thunder and me and my friends, (two names I missed because I again wasn’t really paying attention), want to work there. Can you put in a good word for us?
Me: Yep.
Caller: Okay well I’m Chocolate Thunder. Make sure you write this down.
Me: I’m writing. (Definitely not writing.)
Caller: Well what are our names?
Me: Chocolate Thunder. Something I wasn’t paying attention to. Something else…I’m hanging up now, bye! *click*

Unfiltered Story #145510

, , | Unfiltered | March 30, 2019

Customer: What is this?
Me: That’s a c**k ring.
Customer: What do you do with it?
Customer’s friend: It goes on his c**k.
Customer: Oh. I thought it went on his penis.

Unfiltered Story #145482

, , | Unfiltered | March 28, 2019

(Although you only have to be 18 to enter, we have to check everyone’s ID EVERY TIME no matter what. There is a sign on the door and on the counter right when you walk in. Here are some of the responses we get when we ask for people’s IDs.)

Customer: Don’t I look old enough?

Customer: My white hair isn’t ID enough?

Customer with grey hair: I just turned 17 yesterday.

Customer: Don’t you remember me from last time?

Customer: How old do I LOOK?

Customer: Can’t you just let it slide this one time?

Customer: I forgot/don’t have my ID. Can I just tell you my birthday?

Customer: He/she is my husband/wife. They can vouch for me.

Customer: I showed you my ID last time.

Customer: I don’t have my ID. Can I just stand right here? (gestures to right inside the door)

Customer: Can I show you my Facebook? (This was my personal favorite. Because you definitely can’t put whatever you want on THAT.)

Customer: Seriously? I have to show my ID to get in here?

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