Won’t Be Haunted By This Marriage

| Leesburg, VA, USA | Romantic | January 4, 2017

(My fiancé and I decide last minute to have a small wedding with just our direct family members. I am slightly disappointed to be getting married in a lawyer’s office, but happy to be getting married to my fiancé. Once everything is done, we are about to leave when things get interesting.)

Me: “Thank you so much! This building is actually quite lovely. I was expecting a standard building.”

Lawyer: “Oh, no! This is one of the oldest buildings in town! It was originally a tavern in the 1700s and over the years it’s been many different things. In the Civil War alone it was a military hospital, prison, and mortuary! This place is actually haunted! Want to see?”

Me: “Absolutely! Impromptu ghost tour and finding out I got married in a haunted house? Best wedding surprise ever!”

(He then took us on a tour of the building and attic. Soldiers from the Civil War had drawn directly on the walls and a few drawings were depicting ghosts that had been seen in the house over the years! It was completely accidental, but it made the day even more eventful!)

The Runner Is Running Into Your Job

| Cincinnati, OH, USA | Working | December 20, 2016

I have worked for 15 years at a law-firm. I am the person in charge of the computer network, and because I am also an assistant to the managing partner, I coordinate the monthly staff lunch and the monthly staff breakfast.

A very insecure coworker gets promoted to office manager, and she hires a girl to work as a runner/clerk. All this person’s duties involve is making copies, making coffee for the conference rooms, and running documents to the courthouse.

One month, I make the mistake of asking her to pick up the donuts for the monthly breakfast. She immediately goes into hyperdrive and takes over the breakfast with the permission of the new manager. Suddenly, she is ordering a ton of unnecessary stuff that no one even asked for, and arranging the donuts in weird ways.  We’ve always just sat out the boxes of donuts and bagels and cream cheese, with napkins, paper plates and plastic ware. Not on HER watch. Now she has them each on separate plates on big trays that she went out and bought and charged the company. There isn’t room on the counters in the lunchroom for the big trays so she places the trays of donuts and bagels on top of the garbage cans. Really appetizing.

She becomes particularly hyper about usurping anything I do and doing it badly. She starts trying to interfere and tell people what to do about software problems and countermanding my instructions on things — which she is in no way trained for.

Finally, she went too far on that and tried to fix one person’s computer while they were away from their desk, by deleting all the “clutter” on their C: drive to make it neater while completely failing to go to the courthouse with documents that were time-sensitive because she was too “busy” trying to do my job. She was not very competent anyway, and instead of making sure she had a job she could do, this office manager, apparently in order to mess with me, got her in so far over her head that she ended up out of a job entirely.

The Sick Reality

| New Orleans, LA, USA | Working | November 23, 2016

(One of the attorneys I work for used the wrong file number in a dictation; fortunately, I am familiar with his cases, so I figure it out.)

Me: “You need to be careful. If I were out sick, another secretary would’ve had a problem with that.”

Attorney: “You can’t get sick!”

Me: “I wish that were true, but you know I can. It’s happened.”

The Coffee Is Protected

| Milwaukee, WI, USA | Working | November 10, 2016

(I work for a non-profit firm that doesn’t always have state-of-the-art technology, which means we experience more than our fair share of technical difficulties. On this particular day, our main server has crashed in epic fashion, knocking out computers and phones for everyone in the office. It’s been down for more than an hour when I take a break from paperwork to heat up some coffee in the break room microwave.)

Coworker: *walking by* “Look at you! You found an electronic device in this office that’s working!”

Client Defiant

| TX, USA | Right | October 26, 2016

(I work in a law office as both receptionist and as consultant for new clients. We always do our consultations over the phone, since walk-ins tend to expect to see the lawyer right away. Seeing as his schedule is planned usually a month in advance, that isn’t feasible.)

Me: “Law office, how can I help you?”

Caller: “I need your address.”

Me: “May I ask why?”

Caller: “To see the lawyer. What is your address?”

Me: “[Lawyer] is not in today, so you wouldn’t be able to see him today. Can I help you?”

Caller: “No, you can’t. This is sensitive information. I just need your address.”

Me: “Okay. We only do [types of law] at this office. Is this the type of case you have?”

Caller: “Yes, it is.”

Me: “Well, new callers are unable to see the lawyer the same day. We have to schedule them to see him. I can take your information over the phone, however.”

Caller: “No, you can’t. I would prefer to talk to him. Just give me your address.”

Me: “Okay. The address is [address]; however, we still would not be able to schedule you for an appointment to see him without first doing a consultation with you.”

Caller: “Listen, sweetheart, I don’t give sensitive information out over the phone. Working at a law office, I would think you’d understand that. I will be in there today to see [Lawyer].” *hangs up*

(One hour later, the caller and her husband arrive, and instantly glare at me.)

Caller: “I’m here to see [Lawyer].”

Me: “Do you have an appointment to see him?”

(I already know she doesn’t, but I’m dying to know what she has to say.)

Caller: “I wasn’t told that I need to have an appointment! I need to see him today. It’s imperative that I see him today. How long will it be before I can see him?” *They sit down.*

Me: “Hmm, if you don’t have an appointment, then it’s not going to be until [three weeks later].”

Caller: “WHAT? But I have to see him about my case!”

Me: “OH! You need a consultation!”

Caller: “YES!”

Me: “Right! We don’t do consultations in person. I do them over the phone. I’d have done so earlier, but you were unbelievably rude, with no reason to be. And you told me that you refused to give me your information. Without your information, there’s no way we can set an appointment for you.”

Caller: *stares at me*

Me: “We can’t take your case. Have a nice day!”

(She argued with me until the legal assistant came to back me up. With her attitude and insistence to see the lawyer, there’s no way we would want her as a client.)

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