I work for a law firm. I do intake for new cases, both existing clients and potential clients. An existing client calls.

Client: “So, we fired a guy we just hired. He lied on his application, so we fired him his first day, after about six hours. I just want to make sure we’re covered because he said he’s going to sue.”

Me: “Okay. I need a bit more information. First off, what was the job?”

Client: “[Specific job title]. He was hired because he claimed to be bilingual. When he started yesterday, he said he actually speaks six languages. Everything was fine until he took his first phone call.”

Me: “What happened?”

Client: “He couldn’t understand the person. He claimed to be bilingual and then said he spoke six languages, but he doesn’t understand Spanish.”

Me: “Okay. Did you ever ask him if he could speak Spanish during the interviews or application?”

Client: “No. It said we needed a bilingual person. He said he was.”

Me: “I don’t think I’m understanding. You ran an ad for a ‘bilingual employee’ and did not specify what the second language would be?”

Client: “It said bilingual. That means English and Spanish. Then, he claims he speaks six languages: English, French, German, and some other things. I don’t actually remember. But none of them were Spanish. We said bilingual!”

Me: “Um, I’m not trying to be rude here, but bilingual literally means that they speak two languages. It does not mean English and Spanish.”

Client: “Of course it does!”

Me: “Whether or not you are covered in case he sues is something I will leave to your attorney. But before she calls you back, you should probably look up the word ‘bilingual’. It does not mean what you think it means.”

Client: “That’s why you aren’t the attorney! Everyone knows that means English and Spanish!”

The client was very upset when his attorney explained that, in fact, bilingual is a word with a defined meaning and that meaning does not specify what two languages a person speaks. She went on to further explain that, in our area, Spanish is not the most common second language and that the ad should have specified Spanish. We’re still not certain the client understands.

Related:
Totally Estúpido! Part 27
Totally Estúpido! Part 26
Totally Estúpido! Part 25
Totally Estúpido! Part 24

I work for a law firm that specializes mainly in bankruptcy. Recently, we sent out several letters to companies that a debtor made payments to; under bankruptcy laws, the company we represent is able to reclaim some of the payment amount back.

One day, I get a phone call.

Me: “Good afternoon, [Law Offices].”

Caller: “Hi. My company just received a letter from you guys, and I’ve never seen a letter formatted like this before, so I wasn’t sure if it was fraud or not.”

Me: “Do you want to tell me what the letter is in reference to, so I can verify if we sent it out or not?”

Caller: “No, because then I can’t be sure if you’re still a legitimate company.”

Me: “If you want, you can look at our website to see that we are a legitimate law office. By any chance is this related to [Company] and [bankruptcy number]? We sent out several letters not too long ago.”

Caller: “I’m still not saying. I’m going to talk to my boss to see how to proceed.”

Me: “Okay, but as I said, if this is related to that bankruptcy, this letter is legitimate.”

He ends up calling back later and, realizing that we are a real law office, he can verify what the letter is about.

Caller: “So, you’re going to give us back some money that we paid?”

Me: “No. If you actually read the letter, it’s pretty clear that we’re asking for money from you. I’m going to transfer you to the lawyer handling the case now.”

Sadly, he wasn’t the only one who hadn’t read the letter and thought we were going to be giving them money instead of the other way around.

I work as a lawyer for disabled people, protecting their welfare and SSDI (Social Security Disability Insurance) income.

Before a case, the prosecution approached me asking me to convince my client to drop their defense. The prosecution had plenty of videos of the defendant (or someone who looked exactly like the defendant) working in his yard and on his house.

I’m sure they thought their case looked rock solid… until we brought the defendant to court with his identical twin brother.

The prosecution tried to argue that it wasn’t the brother in the photos. As part of their argument, they showed a picture of the “defendant” working in his yard while a man who looked exactly like the defendant sat in a wheelchair in the defendant’s yard.

We won the case. My client continued to get the money he needed to live. And the South Dakota Department Of Human Services suffered no punishment for their error.

My boss is out for the day and calls to see what mail has come in.

Me: “The only thing that’s come in today is some junk mail and a self-addressed envelope, so I’m guessing something from the prothonotary’s office.”

For a lot of things in law, it is required to send a stamped envelope with your address on it so when they have to send, say, a report you requested or confirmation a case was filed, it doesn’t cost them any money and they have the correct address.

My coworker is somewhat new and is incredibly nosy. He likes to listen in on phone calls and conversations and tries to insert himself in to make himself seem important. Apparently, today while I was running checks to the bank, he was snooping in our boss’s office and saw the self-addressed envelope. Later, when the other senior lawyer in our office — [Boss]’s dad — comes back from lunch, [Coworker] decides to try and cause a little scene.

Coworker: “So, did you happen to see the mail today?”

Senior Lawyer: “No. As you can tell, I just got back, and unless it’s specifically addressed to me, [Boss] usually opens it. Why?”

Coworker: “Well, just, an interesting envelope came in today. It had no return label, which was a little suspicious.”

Senior Lawyer: “Did you open it?”

Coworker: “No, I didn’t think it would be safe to. Honestly, with the state of the world, I couldn’t be sure there wasn’t some sort of white powder inside!”

I hear this all from my desk and decide to cut the bulls***.

Me: “It’s a self-addressed envelope. That’s literally from us. You can tell immediately by how it’s formatted, and the printer has an error where it prints a line of dots, which is on the envelope. Besides, that’s your envelope, stupid. Did you not request something from the sheriff’s office last week that needed this?”

Coworker: “Oh, yes.”

He was then given permission to open the envelope and, sure enough, it was a document he had asked for.

I told [Boss] about it later, and he informed [Coworker] that if there is any mail he needed to be concerned with, [Boss] would give it to him directly or I would email him a copy to try and curb his snooping.

I work as a paralegal at a law office that only does family law — custody, divorce, support, etc. We get wrong numbers like everyone else, and I try to be nice about it because everyone makes mistakes, but I have my limits. I also want to be helpful when and where I can, but I also can’t stress this enough: I work at a law office, not 411.

The phone rings.

Me: “[Law Office], how can I help you?”

Caller: “I’m hoping you can point me in the right direction.”

Me: “It depends on your issue. What’s going on?”

Caller: “My husband is in the hospital in [City about an hour away], and I need to get him back here, but I don’t drive, and he needs a specialized car because he’ll be in a wheelchair after his surgery.”

Me: “Well, this is [Family Law Office], so I don’t think there’s anything we can do. Personally, I’d start off by asking the hospital since I’m sure this is something that comes up fairly frequently. Beyond that, I’d call [Local Resource Office]. They keep a directory of local resources and would likely be the next best source of information. Here’s their number.

I read it off slowly.

Caller: *Pauses* “Well, who else should I call?”

Me: “Honestly, ma’am, I’m not sure. We’re just a law office, so unless you’re looking for help with custody or divorce, I don’t think there’s anything else we can do for you. I’d start with the two ideas I gave you.”

Caller: “How dare you?! I don’t want to divorce my husband! I just want to find a way to bring him home!”

Me: “And I totally understand you. But this is a law office, not an information hotline. I don’t have any other help to offer.”

Caller: “But can’t you just Google something for me? You could look up other places to help me.”

At this point, I’ve reached the end of my patience, but I don’t want to just hang up on her. I get an idea.

Me: “Well, ma’am, our attorneys bill at $200 an hour, and before we offer any additional assistance beyond the free advice you got at the start of this call, I’ll need you to come into our office to review and sign a fee agreement and new client paperwork.”

Caller: “What? I’m not paying you to Google something! I can do that myself!”

And she hung up on me.