I’m an older gal working one of those mall kiosks that sells phone cases and chargers. We also have a small printer that can print customized photos onto the phone case.

Another old gal comes up to me with a photo of her dog in a Santa hat.

Customer: “Hi, I’d like this printed on a phone case.”

Me: “Can do! What model is your phone?”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t know. It’s an iPhone. One of the big ones.”

Me: “Do you know the number? Like 14, 15, 16?”

Customer: “Whichever one’s best. Just make it fit.”

Me: “Sorry, but I need to know exactly which model, so the camera cutout lines up.”

Customer: “Ugh, why does everything have to be complicated? In my day, phones just made calls.”

Me: “Right, and in my day, dogs didn’t have Christmas photo shoots.”

Refreshingly, this made her laugh. She showed me her phone, and I was able to get her the correct case – picture of an angry Christmas chihuahua included.

I work in a mall kiosk that does jewelry engraving/customization services. I’m working behind the counter. A woman and her friend approach with a small, silver keychain shaped like a heart.

Customer: “Do you do customizations?”

Me: “We do! What would you like it to say?”

Customer: “‘To my soulmate, forever in my heart.'”

Me: “Lovely. And what’s the name you want underneath it?”

Customer: “Oh, no name. Just leave it blank.”

Me: “So just to confirm, you want the quote only?”

Customer: “Well… I was going to give it to my partner, but now I’m not sure. We had a disagreement this morning, so I want it ready, but I’m not committing to a name just yet.”

Customer’s Friend: “Because nothing says commitment like a customized exit strategy!”

I am at a town fair. I overhear a little boy walking up to a food stand being worked by a young worker and her manager.

Boy: “Do you sell pizza in a cup?”

Young Worker: “Little boy, this is a Dippin’ Dots stand.”

Manager: “Hang on a second. Little boy is on to something…”

I am running an antique jewelry stand at an antique jewelry convention. A lady comes up:

Customer: “Oh, I really like this ring. Can you tell me about it?”

Me: “Yes, it’s an Edwardian diamond solitaire, made around 1900.”

Customer: “Has it been worn before?”

Me: “Um, I would imagine it has.”

Customer: “Oh, okay, never mind. I was looking for something new.”

Honey, you’re at the wrong convention…

I work at a small coffee kiosk in a park.

Customer: “I want a latte with goat milk.”

Me: “We don’t have goat milk.”

The customer stops and looks shell-shocked.

Customer: “No… goatmilk?”

Me: “I have regular, 2%, almond, soy, and oat milk.”

Customer: “No… goatmilk?!”

Me: “No goat milk.”

Customer: “But you have to have goat milk! Everyone drinks goat milk!”

Me: “I don’t think it would be that popular.”

Customer: “If I’m asking for it then others must be too!”

Me: “I’ve been working here over a year and you’re literally the first person to ask for it.”

Customer: “No, no, that can’t be right. If I like it then other people must like it.”

Me: “We do stock a few alternative kinds of milk sometimes, but not goat milk.”

Customer: “I am not alternative! I do not live an alternative lifestyle!”

Me: “Ma’am, I didn’t mean anything by—”

Customer: “—alternative lifestyles are for gays, hippies, and people who practice witchcraft!”

She storms away, visibly upset. The next customer in line looks as surprised as I am.

Next Customer: “You should have told her there’s no goat milk because the witches stole all the goats.”