Learning How To Talk Crap

, , , , , , | Friendly | April 22, 2019

(My friend and I are traveling together through Mexico. We are sitting in an outdoor cafe on a square in a beautiful Mexican city when I am approached by a young woman. She engages me in conversation. I am nervous. She does not speak English, and I only speak basic high school Spanish, so the conversation is going slowly.)

Woman: “¿Cómo te llamas?”

Me: “¿Me llamo [My Name], y tú?”

Woman: “Gabriela… ¿Y cuantos años tienes?”

Me: “Tengo 23 anos.”

(She leaves quickly. My friend starts laughing.)

Me: “What did I say?”

Friend: “You told her you have 23 a**holes.”

Unfiltered Story #147206

, | Unfiltered | April 21, 2019

(I work for a local restaurant as a Designer and Social Network Manager, I don’t have an office and just work in one of the tables. One custumer gets a call and steps out the restaurant. The restaurant is small and has glass windows and doors so I can see him from my spot. He’s pacing back and forth and is talking heatedly. I go out to go to the store next door to buy some gum and all I can hear is.)

Customer: *angrily* “Well, what if I told you I had a 3-meter penis? Would you like that?! That’s nice…”

(I don’t know if I would like to know the context….)

Can’t Be As Smooth As Those Stairs

, , , , , | Learning | April 12, 2019

(I teach advanced classes at a fine arts school. The building is old, and it shows, but since it’s state property, it takes loads and loads of paperwork to get anything fixed. We’re left with buzzing lamps, cracked walls, and mirror-smooth floors and stairs with no friction whatsoever. One day, as I walk to the classroom, I find one of my students sprawled across the stairs, not moving.)

Me: “Oh, God! [Student], are you okay?!”

Student: “Yeah, doc, I’m fine. Just thinking, y’know? This place has been here for quite a while… Imagine how many scholars and artists walked on these stairs, how many other people must have been here before them, paving the way for us…”

Me: “You slipped and fell, didn’t you?”

Student: “I slipped and fell, doc. And it really hurts, so I’m just chillin’ until it passes.”

Unfiltered Story #145538

, | Unfiltered | March 31, 2019

So little after I finished college I worked on an internet caffe for a short while, it was a very easy and  light work, except for the usual difficult and/or clueless customers.
When I was first hired the place had a “borrow policy” in which we had several USB cable plugs, adapters etc. precisely to borrow customers who may have forgotten theirs, or just didn’t have them, however that soon got problematic, since people didn’t treat them carefully, they broke frecuently, and some people didn’t even gave them back,  (some forgot, others outright stole them even denying they borrowed them when we asked them back)  this continued for a while until the owner finally realized that it was costing the place more than it was deemed worth, so the policy was taken down, for the most part it wasn’t as much of a hassle as we thought, infact it was better for the place since we had generic products and they were cheap people actually started to buy them when we told them we no longer borrowed them…until this one regular customer (whom I recognized as part of the people who frequently trashed around the borrowed accesories, and pretended to “forget” giving them back):
Customer: Can I borrow an USB plug cable?
Me: Sorry but we no longer do that (I pointed to a sign where it said exactly that).
Customer: What why?
Me: Well the owner estimated that the damaged and lost accesories were starting to cost him to much so he canceled the service. But if you really need it, we have the very same accesories on sale (I pointed to them and told him the prices).
He looks at them for a while. Suddenly the customer leaned to my desk, making me uncomfortable, but didn’t really said anything.
Customer: Can you borrow me one of those? I promise I’ll be careful and give it back as good as new.
It would be relatively easy  to do so, since the generic ones are unpackaged and look identical to one another, and if this was another customer (an honest one who I’d know woudn’t do any damage to it) asking I may have considered it.Knowing that this wasn’t the case I politely told him no.
Customer (suddenly getting angrier by the word): You stupid girl! I always come here, I’m a regular customer, you should know I’m a relieable person!! or is it that you’re calling me a thief!
Me (at this point I’m standing up trying to calm him down): Sir at no point did I suggest such thing it’s just that if we borrow an item and it gets damaged or lost it will come out of our salary or we could be fired for disobeying a direct order from the owner.
Customer (quiet now, but no less angry): You hear me young lady, I could not care less about the lot of you  working around here as long as I get my fucking music and videos on my tablet.
Me: Well sir I’m sorry you care so little for us, but If you won’t buy the USB cable I can’t help you. And in that case be kind enough to leave since you won’t be using our services.
The customer has a red face, probably from anger and for a moment I fear he may actually try something, fortunadely another regular comes behind him:
Customer 2: Look dude, this lady here has never once been rude to anyone even when they would be, so back off.
The first customer mutters angruly but thankfully leaves. When the second comes for checking out I try to thank him but he cuts me off:
Customer 2: Don’t worry, I know that guy from work, he actually owns a lot of these things (he points to the accesories) but must of them are unusable because he’s the most clueless guy when it comes to “high-tech” (I let a little laugh because he actually made the gesture with a completely straight face). You did well not to borrow him anything, nobody borrows him anything at work anymore.
Later that night I warn my coworkers about this guy, I found out that  he actually already had tried to do so all week since we put that sign!

Student Used Semantics: It Was Super Effective!

, , , | Learning | March 28, 2019

(I am a kindergarten teacher when Pokemon cards are hugely popular. They grow to be a distraction in class.)

Me: “All right, put all your Pokemon cards away. I don’t want to see them out in class again.”

(Five minutes later, I see a kid messing around with his cards.)

Me: “What did I just say? Didn’t you hear me say, ‘No Pokemon cards out in class.’?”

Kid: “But Mr. [My Name], these aren’t Pokemon. They’re Digimon.”

Me: *pause* “You got me there.”

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