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What Crawled Into His Luggage And Died?

, , , , | Working | March 28, 2022

My husband and I go on a vacation to Mexico. When we land, I’m surprised to see a tiny dilapidated set of stairs to get off the plane and lead us to customs. Our baggage goes through the scanner system, which I find odd because we had to scan it to get on the plane.

The person loading bags into the scanner is not watching the other end, and people’s bags are rolling off the end as one of the other passengers is having all of their bags searched and we are backed up. Some of the others try to tell the scanner official to stop, but he doesn’t. Instead, we have to pick up our bags off the floor. I’m irritated, and I guess it shows because [Official #1] comes up to us.

Official #1: “You are selected for search. Do you have any food, lithium batteries, or electronic cigarettes?”

Husband: “I have an e-cigarette, yes.”

Official #1: “Take your bag and go see that gentleman.”

She points to another official.

Official #2: “What do you have?”

Husband: “An e-cigarette.”

Official #2: *Rolls his eyes* Where? Which bag?”

Husband: “Oh, in the small pocket there.”

He goes to point it out but the official swats his hand away.

Official #2: “I will conduct my search. Do not touch.”

[Official #2] proceeds to dump out all four of our bags on the table and drop our luggage on the floor, sifting through all of our clothing before coming to my medicine bag.

Official #2: “What is this? Needles?”

Me: “I’m diabetic. I have a note from my doctor in—”

Official #2: “You need needles?”

I’m getting impatient but trying to stay polite.

Me: “Yes. It’s insulin.”

Official #2: “Hmm.”

He takes the medication and puts it on a table behind him.

Official #2: “Where is this cigarette?”

Husband: “Where I pointed in the beginning. In the bag on the floor.”

Official #2: “Sir, you do not get rude with me. I am doing my job.”

We say nothing. He picks up our bag and finally opens the small pocket with the e-cigarette. Without even picking it up, he closes the pocket.

Official #2: “You may go. Pack up, hurry!”

Me: “I need my insulin back.”

Official #2: “No. No drugs in Mexico.”

I almost laugh.

Me: “I’m not moving without it.”

[Official #2] calls out in Spanish.

Official #3: “Miss, you have an issue? You must go—”

Me: “He asked where my husband’s e-cigarette was but didn’t even look where we told him until the very end. He made a mess of all of our clothing. He took my insulin and put it over there.”

Official #3: “Insulin?”

Me: “I have a doctor’s note.”

I show him my note. [Official #3] speaks to [Official #2] in Spanish. [Official #2] picks up my medicine and slaps it on the table in front of me.

Official #2: “Now go.”

Me: “Thank you.”

We quickly stuffed all of our clothing in our luggage and left. The rest of the visit was great, but that one interaction made me wonder if I want to come back at all.

Move Over, Judge Judy; Here Comes Secretary TeacherMom

, , , | Right | December 30, 2021

I work at a gift shop. A young lady asks for my help.

Customer: “Do you have a mug or something that says, ‘Best Mom’? No, wait, a mug that says, ‘Best Teacher,’ in like, super cutesy font, the kind of thing you give to a kindergarten teacher?”

Me: “Sure, over here. Is your mom a kindergarten teacher?”

Customer: “No, she’s a court secretary. Says it’s like herding toddlers.”

We Could Do With A Pick-Me-Up After This

, , , | Working | December 22, 2021

I have just moved to a small town from a larger city. There’s a bit of culture shock. I realize this when I call city hall.

Me: “I have something large I’d like to throw away. What are my options?”

Clerk: “The garbage collectors only take bulk items one week in April.”

Me: “That’s nine months away. I have to keep it until then?”

Clerk: “You can take it to the dump yourself.”

Me: “I can’t do that.”

Clerk: “Sure you can. Just toss it in your pickup and drive it out.”

Me: “I don’t have a pickup.”

Clerk: *Dead serious* “Are you being smart with me?”

No One Deserves To Deal With That

, , , , | Learning | May 23, 2021

I’m an American teaching in Mexico. I’m joking with a new teacher about how badly my digestive system reacted when I first arrived.

Me: “It took me about a month for my stomach to get used to things. I even ended up having to throw away a pair of underwear.”

Teacher: “You threw them away? Why didn’t you wash them?”

Me: “We don’t have a washing machine. Our cleaning woman does our clothes by hand.”

Teacher: “Why didn’t you ask her to wash them?”

Me: “That… might have been a bit much to ask.”

WE WANT TO SEE THE DOG. WE WANT TO SEE THE DOG.

, , , , , , | Learning | March 26, 2021

We’re in a Zoom class. One of my classmates doesn’t mute her microphone before trying to get her dog to leave the room.

Classmate: “Out! No! No, girl! Out! Out! Bad girl, let go of that! No! No! Out! Vade retro, canus!”