What A Total Sell-Sword

, , , | Working | December 5, 2017

(One of the events at a con I am attending is a sword fight. Two men in full armor are competing, when suddenly, one man’s sword snaps neatly in half, landing at his feet. The crowd goes insane, cheering, laughing, and yelling. As the noise dies down, a man in the crowd leaps to his feet.)

Man: *dramatically* “The sword that DIDN’T break comes from [Vendor]!”

Doctor Nose Best

, , , , | Healthy | November 21, 2017

(I am a pediatrician. A woman has come in with her little girl who is suffering from a rather infected finger. He diagnoses her with a staph infection, prescribes some antibiotics, and sends them home. At the end of the antibiotics the woman is back in his office, and the infection has spread to several areas; a spot on the little girl’s face, the inside of her nose, and a spot on her leg. She demands that I run a million tests because I’m clearly a “failure of a doctor.”)

Me: “Ma’am, it appears that your daughter has spread the infection to other areas of her body, most likely through scratches or by touching a scratch that was already there.”

Mother: “That’s impossible! How would she get one in her nose? You’re just making excuses because you don’t want to run any tests!”

Me: “I can assure you, ma’am, that’s not the case. If I felt the need to, I would certainly run more tests, but there is no need for all that time, effort, and money when I can clearly see what the cause is. It’s more than 99% certain that she spread it through her nose by a scratch as the bacteria causing the infection is located under her fingernails. She picked her nose, scratched it, and spread the infection there.”

Mother: *turns bright red* “That’s ridiculous! My little princess would never do anything so disgusting as pick her nose! We’re just going to go and get a second opinion! You’ll be run out of business, you’ll see!”

(We turn around to see her “little princess” with a finger very far up her nose indeed. The mother grows nearly purple at this point and swats her daughter’s hand away from her face.)

Me: “So I’ll be prescribing that next round of antibiotics, then?”

Allergic To Reason

, , , , , | Right | October 6, 2017

(I work at an endodontist office. Each new patient has to complete paperwork, including a “go-to” card that lists pertinent information, such as current medications and known allergies. Patients who we have not seen for six or more months have to complete a new card so we are up-to-date. A patient comes in, completes the paperwork, and is taken into her appointment. A few minutes later, the hygienist comes flying out.)

Hygienist: “Can I see her card?”

Me: “Here you go.”

(The patient comes out as well, clearly upset.)

Hygienist: “Ma’am, you didn’t notify us that you were allergic to latex.”

Patient: “Why would I? I didn’t see how it was relevant!”

Me: “You should have listed it on the card when you filled it out. See here? We have a place for allergies.”

(I point to the section, which she has left blank.)

Patient: “I thought that was for medication allergies. How was I supposed to know that you were going to have latex gloves?!”

Hygienist: “Ma’am, this is a dentist’s office.”

Patient: “So?”

Charged Up With Unrighteous Indignation

, , , | Learning | September 1, 2017

(I am a student employee at a fine arts college, where I work on the stage crew for student productions. For some reason, a summer camp the college runs has requested a concert hall so they can draw posters, so my coworker and I have to be present, even though there’s nothing for us to do. It’s important to note WE ARE NOT STAFF for this program, and have absolutely zero obligation to help these kids. We’re basically there to make sure no one breaks or steals any of the expensive equipment in the room. One of the campers breaks off from the group and approaches us at the sound-board at the far end of the hall.)

Camper: “Hey, I was wondering if you guys had a phone charger I could use?”

Coworker: “I don’t; I’m sorry.”

([Camper] pointedly looks at my laptop, which I’m using to charge my phone.)

Me: “Sorry, I’m using my cord right now.”

Camper: “Well, I’m only on two percent. What percent are YOU on?”

(My coworker and I look at him in silence for several seconds.)

Me: “Are you serious right now?”

Camper: “…fine.”

Customer Service Makes You Want To Die

, , , , | Right | August 26, 2017

(We offer a lot of unique cards for all occasions. But after the holidays, our supplies are usually pretty low until we get new shipment in. A customer, roughly in her late forties to early fifties, approaches me.)

Customer: “Can you show me where your sympathy cards are?”

Me: “Right this way. They’ll be along this wall.”

Customer: “Are these all you have?”

Me: “Yes, these would be it. We’re still getting shipments in to recover from the holiday season.”

Customer: “People die a lot during the holidays.”

Me: “I’m so sorry to hear that…”

Customer: “No, no. It’s for the best.”

Me: *unsure what to say*

Customer: “I mean, everyone’s going to die. It’s just a matter of time. And it’s better for them. They go to a better place. You’d better brace yourself. Because one day, everyone you know will just start dropping dead.”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “But it always leaves new openings for new beginnings.”

Me: *scrambling for anything to say in response* “Right. Like how the tarot card for death means the end of something so that something else can take its place.”

Customer: “Exactly. And it will be better. So it’s good that people die.”

(I am called away to ring people up, so I am working the cash register when she is checking out.)

Customer: *as she’s leaving* “Live life! Life is short! Your youth isn’t a guarantee!”

Me: “Have a good day?”