Not The Right J, F, Or K

, , , , , | Right | May 28, 2020

Customer: “Do you have that new book on JFK?”

Me: “Well, there are always books coming out about him. Several are published every year. One that came out this week is right behind you.”

The customer picks up the book.

Customer: “Oh! This is the one I was looking for. Thank you!”

I say goodbye and leave her to read on her own. She returns a minute later.

Customer: “Sorry, but I’m confused.”

Me: “Oh, is that not the JFK book you were looking for? I can look up to see what else has been published recently.”

Customer: “No, that’s okay. I know this is the one, but when I looked it up online it had a different cover, and it was more about his love life than his politics.”

Me: “Let me get this right. You are looking for a book with a different topic and cover. Are you sure that book your holding is the correct one?”

Customer: “I’m sure. Oh, well.”

She put the book back.

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Pick Up A Book: An OSHA Handbook

, , , , , | Working | May 25, 2020

I work at a big chain bookstore. One morning, we come in to discover a large chunk of concrete has fallen through the ceiling in the business section. We cordon off the area, warning all customers — cue customers, “But I know what I need! Couldn’t you just run in there real quick?” — and at around midday a contractor comes in to take a look at it.

We’re told the area was stabilized and we shouldn’t have any other rocks falling, but word also gets around that he found up there an old form of insulation known to contain asbestos.

We’re all expecting an immediate store shut-down, but the general manager hems and haws and stalls, saying that he needs to be in touch with higher management to decide what to do. 

The next day, we’re back in as usual — now worried about getting cancer, rather than being knocked out by falling concrete. After a few hours, a call comes in over the walkies we all use to communicate:

“[General Manager], there’s a representative from OSHA on line two. OSHA, line two.”

The store is closed for several days.

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“Answer Your Cat’s Questions” Day Isn’t Until January 22!

, , , , , , , , | Learning | May 20, 2020

Like many professors during the current health crisis, I am teaching my class online from home. I have online office hours every day, and I tend to lock myself in my home office so I can have peace and quiet when I’m talking with my students.

This morning I am holding office hours with three of my students, answering questions about a lecture topic. After ten minutes of back and forth, there seems to be general agreement among the students, but I want to make sure.

Me: “How does everyone feel about that? Any more questions?”

There was a moment of silence followed by a very loud “MEOW.”

My students heard it and started laughing from three different time zones. They got it, but apparently, the cat had gotten stuck in the office and she definitely had a question.

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Pulling The Key Is The… Uh… Key

, , , , | Right | May 16, 2020

I’m the manager of a car rental agency in the downtown/financial district area of Boston. I am transferred to a call from a customer in apparent distress.

The customer yells at me that he cannot get his key out of the ignition of the Kia that he’s renting and I’m personally making him late because I’m an evil, masochistic SOB.

After listening to this for half a minute, I begin with: 

Me: “Sir, have you considered pulling the key harder?”

There is silence.

Caller: “Uh… no.”

There is an audible pop, followed by more silence.

Me: “Sir?”

Caller: “Bye.” *Click*

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This Husband Sure Is A Potty Mouth

, , , , , | Romantic | May 10, 2020

My husband is washing dishes and I feel compelled to come up behind him and give him a hug. What can I say? Men doing dishes just do it for me.

Me: “I could really just stand here and hug you all day.”

Hubby: “That would be fine with me.”

Me: “You’re very accommodating.”

Hubby: “That’s me. A giant commode.”

The hug was then interrupted by me nearly falling down laughing. Dumb jokes: that is why I married the man.

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