Girly Man

, | | Right | July 20, 2008

(This big, muscular guy comes in for a massage. We assign clients randomly and he got stuck with me, 110 lbs of girl.)

Tough Guy: “I requested a male therapist.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, would you like to go back? They’ll give you to the next guy when he’s ready.”

Tough Guy: “How long will that take? I’ve been waiting for two hours!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I’m sure it won’t be much longer. We can go back and they’ll put you at the top of the wait list.”

Tough Guy: “No! Let’s just do this already.”

(He explains that he likes “very deep pressure” and wants a deep-tissue massage with “lots of elbows.” He tells me to go as deep as I want because, “you’re not going to hurt me.” 30 seconds later, as I’m using my hands…)

Tough Guy: “Ow, that’s too hard! Don’t go so deep!”

(I lighten it up a lot and start to run my forearm down his back, and he starts dramatically wincing and squirming all over the table.)

Tough Guy: “OWWWW, that’s too hard! You need to go lighter!”

(By the end of the massage, I was just brushing him with my hands, his tolerance was so low. The next week, I got his comment card back.)

Tough Guy’s Comment Card: “You beat the s*** out of me and I’m never coming back here again!”

 

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Case In Point

, , , | | Right | July 18, 2008

Very Pregnant Girl: “I want to get my eyebrow pierced.”

Me: “I’m not piercing you until you pop out that kid.”

Very Pregnant Girl: “Why not? I have my ID; I have money!”

Me: “You’re pregnant.”

Very Pregnant Girl: “So?”

Me: “Whatever I do to you, your baby feels. When you get pierced, your adrenaline raises and your blood sugar drops.”

Very Pregnant Girl: “Well… the opposite happens to me!”

Me: “Okay, that doesn’t make any sense, but fine. Your adrenaline drops and your blood sugar raises. It’s still affecting your kid negatively. Kinda like how you can’t drink or smoke when you’re pregnant.”

Very Pregnant Girl: “My mom smoked with me and I smoked will all my kids and we’re all fine!”

Me: “…”

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Honey, He Ain’t A Scrapbooking Project

, , , | | Healthy Right | July 16, 2008

(I witnessed this on the hospital floor where I work. A patient’s daughter comes out of a hospital room and stands in the hallway, staring around looking lost.)

Nurse’s aide: “Can I help you?”

Daughter: “Yeah… can I have a stapler?”

(The nurse’s aide walks about two steps away to get a stapler and then thinks better of this request.)

Nurse’s aide: “Why do you want a stapler?”

Daughter: “My dad’s IV tubing is getting in his way. I thought it would be better if we stapled it to his arm.”

Nurse’s aide: “Um, I think tape would work better for that.”

Daughter: “You guys have tape here?”

Nurse’s aide: “Yeah, I have some here in my pocket.”

(The aide walks into the room to secure the IV tubing before any more of his genius children try to help.)

Daughter: *muttering* “I still think a stapler is a better idea…”

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Weight Watchers Rejects

, , | | Right | July 14, 2008

(A customer orders a sundae in a small banana boat. It’s two mounds of ice cream with hot fudge, pecans, whip cream, and a cherry.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like the hot fudge pecan royale. Can you make it with twist ice cream?”

Me: “Yes. ”

Customer: “That comes with whip cream, right?”

Me: “Yes, it does.”

Customer: “Good. I don’t want a cherry though; they’re fattening.”

Me: “…”

 

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Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole, Part 4

, , , | | Right | July 12, 2008

(As I’m ringing this woman’s vitamins up, I notice that she’s staring at my stomach. I pause and look up at her.)

Customer: “When’s the baby coming?”

Me: “What baby?”

Customer: “Are you expecting?”

Me: “Um, no. I’m not pregnant.”

Customer: “Oh, I’m so sorry! I just asked because I used to be chubby like you when I was your age.”

Me: “Um… what?”

Customer: “Well, I was gonna say, you’re too young to be pregnant!”

Me: “I think you’d better quit while you’re ahead.”

 

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