No One Ever Got Injured Eating Pizza

, , , , , | Healthy | December 7, 2018

I’m a very lazy person by nature. I’ll get up and walk around if I feel like it, but I never really go out of my way to try and stay fit. I’m also notorious for hating every sport except for swimming, due to poor performances in gym class. As part of a co-op program for college, I end up staying with my marathon-running, fitness-nut uncle for a month. He is constantly offering for me to join him for workouts or trips to the gym, but I always decline, and he never pushes it. He just wants to be polite and offer to let me come along.

One day, I decide I want to try it, so I get his help setting up a workout routine. When I go back to college at the end of the program, I try it myself without supervision. I end up hurting my hip and have to stop, but after a week or two, I notice that the pain is not going away. It takes me two years to get a proper doctor’s appointment for this — my community is notorious for long waits to see doctors for anything — and I am diagnosed with a muscle tear in my right hip.

So, to sum it up, I hate sports, but the first time I do an actual workout to try and get myself into shape, I come away with what is commonly called a “sports hernia.” Everyone who found out laughed at the sheer irony of it.

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This Guy Should Shut His Mouth About Yours

, , , , | Right | December 6, 2018

(I’ve just had to have minor surgery on my tongue and the roof of my mouth. My mouth is packed with gauze. We have to stop at the pharmacy to pick up antibiotics before heading home. My mom does some other shopping, but I sit in the waiting area. I’m miserable and still reeling from the drugs, and I’m texting friends. An older man comes and sits across from me in silence for a half hour. Then, suddenly, he rages out at me.)

Customer: “You know, back in my day, we would talk and not just sit with your phone in front of your face. Ignoring people! We used to dress to go shopping, too, not just pajamas in public!”

(He continues on, raging that I’m wearing PJs and that I’m on my phone. I ignore him. When my mom comes back around, he rages at her, too.)

Customer: “You need to teach your child some manners! She hasn’t even said hello, just sat there on her d*** phone!

(Finally, I just turn and open my mouth, full of bloody gauze, and muffle out a hello. He looks horrified and backs away from me.)

Pharmacist: “Just ignore him. He comes around and never buys anything, just harasses our customers.”

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Healthier Old People During Flu Season Results In Increase Of Random Chats

, , , , | Right | December 4, 2018

(An elderly woman on one of the store’s scooters comes up to me while I’m working.)

Customer: “I need to tell you something!”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “So, in July, I came in here and I bought two of the cough drops with zinc of one brand, and I bought two cough drops of another brand. Well, last week we finally used them all up. It was this d*** flu that’s been going around. But I just wanted to tell you that in July I was prepared, because I bought cough drops in July.”

Me: “Um… Wow. Good for you.”

(The woman scoots away and I go back to what I was doing. A minute later she comes back over to me.)

Customer: “And another thing.”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “The cough drops with zinc in them are better for you.”

Me: “Really?”

Customer: “Oh, yes.” *scoots away*

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An Installation Aberration

, , , , , | Working | December 3, 2018

(I’m an IT technician in a factory, the only female on the team. I’m heavily pregnant with twins; it’s my first pregnancy. I’ve been quite ill, with aches and pains, dizziness, and so on. I’ve also been suffering quite badly from hyperemesis gravidarum — vomiting during pregnancy. My hormones are going crazy, and I have been quite emotional. My boss, a massive bear of a man with a heart of gold, has been wonderful, allowing me to work from home or just take a rest day if I feel too ill to work. I’ve been trying to come in as much as possible, though, in spite of how I’ve been feeling. I’m on light duties, forbidden to go into the factory or do anything more strenuous than walking to an office to plug in a mouse. One day I’m at my desk, fixing a few things using remote support, and updating the asset database. I’m alone in the office. One of my colleagues, who is currently working on one of our other sites, sends me a message over our internal messaging software.)

Colleague: “Hey, [My Name], what you working on now?”

Me: “Not much. Fixed a few things, and now I’m looking at updating the asset register.”

Colleague: “There’s four new PCs to go into finance. Today. Can you sort it, please?”

(This is part of a project he’s supposed to have finished by the end of the week; clearly he’s missed his target.)

Me: “But… I’m on light duties. I’m pregnant, in case you’d forgotten?”

Colleague: “Don’t be stupid; it’s not hard to install four PCs.”

Me: “So, ask someone else?”

Colleague: “I’m asking you.”

Me: “…”

Colleague: “Look. Just do it. Why do you women always have to be awkward?”

(He then signed out of the messenger, something we IT technicians aren’t supposed to do unless we’re going off site or going home. I have a rare medical condition called Craniocervical Instability, which means my neck can’t support my head properly. I’m fine if I wear a neck brace; otherwise, I get excruciating pain in my head and neck after a while. I’d had my neck brace off for a few minutes, but now I put it back on. I got up from my desk and waddled to the IT store. I located the four PCs and monitors, which I loaded onto a trolley and slowly dragged to the finance department. The only person in Finance was a young intern, so I asked him where the computers needed to go. He showed me. I cleared a desk, set up the first computer, and knelt on the floor to connect up the cables. By now I was exhausted. I was sweating, my back, neck, and shoulders hurt, and I felt dizzy. Suddenly, I got an attack of nausea and vomited all over the floor and down the front of my blouse. The intern, embarrassed, jumped to his feet and asked me if I was okay. He sat me down and got me a drink of water, then started clearing up the mess. At this point the chief accountant walked in to see me sitting in a chair, crying my eyes out, and her intern on the floor cleaning up my vomit. She asked if I was all right, and when she learned what had happened she called my boss, demanding to know why he was sending a heavily pregnant and clearly uncomfortable woman out to do such a big job on her own. My boss, it turns out, knew nothing about it! My boss apologised to the chief accountant, and to me. He sent me home early to rest. I later found out from one of the other technicians that when my colleague came back on site, my boss called him into his office and started screaming at him. Yes, screaming. Apparently, it was so loud they could hear every word! He no longer works for us. He quit that afternoon.)

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New Police Code Required For Driving While Dilated

, , , , , | Right | December 3, 2018

(I am a valet cashier at one of the larger hospitals in the cities. I see and hear about all types of things that would make one concerned, but this was the most recent.)

Customer: *has an obviously difficult time producing her valet ticket and manages to hand it over after a few minutes*

Me: “Okay, ma’am, your total is [total].”

Customer: *groans as she has difficulty finding her wallet* “They dilated both of my eyes and I can’t see a d*** thing.”

Me: “…”

(She was alone and I worried all day about her getting home. I hadn’t heard anything on the news so I hope she’s okay.)

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