Free Of Gluten, Free Of Thought

, , | Right | December 10, 2009

(Note: I am standing under a sign that says ‘Gluten-Free Mousse’)

Customer: “Is the gluten-free mousse gluten-free?”

Me: “You mean the ‘gluten-free mousse’?”

Customer: “Yeah. Is it gluten-free?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Are you sure? How do you know?”

Me: “Because the sign says it’s gluten-free.”

Customer: “Oh, okay then. I’ll just have a bottle of water.”

Me: “No mousse?”

Customer: “No, you can never be too sure about what has gluten in it!”

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Let’s Not Make Her A Real Angel

, , | Right | December 9, 2009

(A very small child of about four walks up to the slide at our pool.)

Me: “I am so sorry, sweetie, but you are a bit too small to go down the slide. Maybe next time!”

(The child leaves in hysterics, only to bring back her mother.)

Mother: “Why did you not let my angel go down the slide?”

Me: “She is under four feet tall.”

Mother: “Yes, I know. She’s an absolute angel.”

Me: “Our policy clearly states that we cannot let a child under four feet tall ride the slide. She could get seriously injured or possibly drown when she reaches the bottom.”

Mother: “Yes, I know, cute as a button!”

Me: “My manager can further explain this to you, but I can’t risk her safety.”

Mother: “But she is my angel!”

Me: “She’s also under four feet tall. She could die, ma’am.”

Mother: “Well it’s not like she can help it! How dare you make my angel feel bad about her height!”

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Sweaty Confetti

, , | Right | December 7, 2009

Customer: “I bought one of your bath balls with the confetti in it. It never dissolved and it just left a mess.”

(He points to a bath ball with confetti.)

Me: “We’ve never had a problem with that ball before, but I’ll keep that in mind. I would be happy to give you one without confetti for free so you can enjoy our products.”

Customer: “Oh no, that’s not necessary. I just wanted to tell you guys about it so you can warn other people.”

Me: “Thank you, I’ll definitely let everybody know about that.”

Customer: “Yeah, you should! I mean, now I have confetti all over my house. On my floor, my carpet, my bed, even my couch and living room!”

Me: “Wow, sounds like you had a lot of confetti!”

Customer: “I did! It even got lodged in places.”

Me: “Lodged in places?”

Customer: “Yeah crevices, my crevices! I mean I have to dig it out of places. Anyway, I just came by to warn you guys.”

(He starts heading out, and as he reaches the door he turns around.)

Customer: “BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR CREVICES, GIRLS!”

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Allergic To Honesty

, , , | Right | November 27, 2009

Me: “Hello, thanks for calling [pizza place] how may I help you?”

Customer: “I ordered a pizza and it has green peppers and mushrooms on it.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, but it says here that’s what you ordered.”

Customer: “No! I am allergic to green peppers! Why would I order something I’m allergic to?”

Me: “Alright, I understand. What did you intend to order?”

Customer: “Ham and pepperoni.”

Me: “Okay, we’ll have that out to you right away. Just make sure to give us the other pizza when we get there, okay?”

Customer: “I can’t.”

Me: “Why not?”

Customer: “I ate it already.”

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It Was A Love/Hate/Poison Relationship

, , , | Right | November 17, 2009

Customer: “Hello. How do you have strawberries so late in the season?”

Me: “They are a special breed called Everbearing. They last until the frost comes.”

Customer: “How did they get such a breed?”

Me: “Well, they bred them especially for this.”

Customer: “So they were genetically modified? That causes cancer!”

Me: “I’m sure they won’t give you cancer. There are other things that cause cancer, but–”

Customer: “Don’t tell me what causes cancer! Don’t you think I know what causes cancer?!”

Me: “I’m sorry.”

Customer: “It’s okay, I’ll take a basket. They’re for my sister.”

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