I work at a hospital, but this is not a medical story.

One of the nurses from a different part of the hospital is VERY chatty. Since we work in different departments, we don’t see each other much unless we happen to cross paths in the hallway. Since we’re both going about our own busy jobs, those interactions tend to be very short, and usually go something like this.

Nurse: “Hey, [My Name], good to see you! I’m just working on [task], but anyway, how are you?”

Me: *Already basically behind her, continuing to walk past.* “I’m well, [Nurse], and you?”

Normally, this is where the ‘conversation’ ends, because we’ve moved too far apart in opposite directions to continue chatting. But one day…

After the usual conversation, the nurse suddenly shouts out loud behind me:

Nurse: “[MY NAME], DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT ME?!”

I pause and slowly turn around.

Me: “I’m… sorry?”

Nurse: “I ask you how you’re doing every day, and you never ask me! I thought we were friends, but I guess not!”

Me: “I have extremely time-sensitive tasks to get done, so I don’t have time to chit-chat in the hallway. I’m sorry you feel that way, but I have to keep moving.”

Nurse: “Fine! Whatever! See you around, I guess!”

With that, she stomps off, and I continue going about my job.

My manager asked me about it later, because the nurse apparently tried to claim that I was creating a hostile work environment. Fortunately, my manager understood that I didn’t have time for anything more than a polite passing greeting and promised to back me up if the nurse ever tried anything else. 

The nurse hasn’t tried talking to me since then. Instead, she makes a big show of turning away and ignoring me when we pass each other. No skin off my back.

CONTENT WARNING: Medical detail.

One evening, I had a teenage girl and her mom come in to be registered for the emergency department. The girl needed to be seen, but the mom was being vague.

Mom: “My daughter was in the bathroom tonight and SAW THINGS.”

My mind automatically assumed it was mental health-related, so I put in our code for mental health evaluation. The nurse came out to get her and took her into one of our safe rooms.

About fifteen minutes later, the nurse came back out.

Nurse: “Who registered [Girl]?”

I raised my hand. The nurse started laughing.

Nurse: “The mom meant she was seeing things… in her stool. The girl has worms.”

I didn’t live that one down for a while.

Our hospital is in the South. A couple I can only describe as “trashy” checks in, and she goes to the chairs to wait after a grandiose amount of PDA.

Nurse: “What brings you in tonight?”

Patient: “I got the drip.”

Nurse: “The what?”

Patient: “The drip! You know… the d**k drip.”

The nurse, who is from the north of the country, looks at me helplessly. I make a ‘G’ shape in the air and mouth “Gonorrhea.” The nurse nods and continues listening to the patient.

Patient: “I got a shot for it last time. I just need another shot.”

Nurse: “How many times have you been treated for this?”

Patient: “Three. Can I just get my shot?”

Nurse: “Is the woman with you tonight your girlfriend?”

Patient: “Yep.”

Nurse: “Are you and she sexually active?”

Patient: *Proudly.* “H*** yeah!”

Nurse: “Do you think she should get checked out, too?”

Patient: “Why? She ain’t got no d**k!”

I’m a nurse working in the ward when another nurse angrily walks up to the desk with a tray of chicken nuggets.

Me: “Ooooh! Chickie nuggies? Are they for everyone?”

Nurse: “No. I just confiscated them from a patient trying to smuggle them in. You do not want to know in which of his bodily folds I found them.”

Me: “But… but there are so many!”

Nurse: “Twenty. I never said it was just the one fold.”

I’m walking out to the parking lot for a smoke break (I know, bad habit) and see some police in the ER waiting room. I ask the nurse at the desk:

Me: “Why are the police in the ER? Did we get a patient presenting a risk?”

Nurse: “Well, a couple of guys from somewhere they don’t have deer were driving through the county… where we do have deer.”

Me: “They hit a deer?”

Nurse: “They hit a deer. I guess they kinda panicked, because they drove the d*** deer here, asking us to save it.”

Me: “Were they being serious?”

Nurse: “Totally. They said they saw it on an episode of ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ or something.”

Me: “I really… really hate that show.”

Nurse: “The doctor told them that no, he’s not going to operate on the deer because they saw it on some dumb TV show, and also, the deer was dead.”

Me: “So why are the police here?”

Nurse: “This is a hunting town, and good venison never goes to waste. The police are here to take the deer and… uh… disseminate it, I guess?”

Me: “The police do that?”

Nurse: “Oh, also the guy driving was three times over the alcohol limit, so there’s that too.”

Me: “Next time, just lead with that.”

Nurse: “Well, you’re going out for your smoke break, aren’t you? Didn’t want you to be surprised to see a bunch of guys trying to move a dead deer right outside the entrance!”

Me: “…good point.”

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