We’d Be Seriously Pee-ved

, , , , | Healthy | February 23, 2021

I am seeing my primary care physician.

Doctor: “You really need to start taking a multivitamin.”

The following year, I see them again.

Doctor: “Why on earth are you taking a multivitamin?! All you’re doing is making your pee expensive.”

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Someone’s Gonna Catch It

, , , , , , | Working | February 19, 2021

It’s a really busy Saturday, but we’re in a slow period at the moment. Five of my staff have headsets on, including me, a new cashier, and our security guard.

Cashier: “Hey, [My Name], I have a question for you.”

Me: “Go for it.”

Cashier: “Is your refrigerator running?”

Me: *Pauses* “If you have enough time up there to be making jokes, then you’re not busy enough, and I can fix that for you.”

There’s a moment of silence as this is pondered.

Security: “Nope, we’re good. He’s got lots of stuff to do up here.”

He doesn’t release the talk button in time and I hear his last sentence.

Security: “You’re an idiot. I told you that wouldn’t work on her.”

I couldn’t stop laughing and I got a bunch of weird looks from the customers.

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The Attack Of The “Wait” Finger

, , , , , , | Legal | February 17, 2021

My house is on a corner with the side street on a slight hill. In the winter, the hill gets icy and even four-wheel-drive vehicles have difficulty getting started after stopping for the stop sign. Because of this, I have installed a heavy timber retaining wall to stop vehicles from running through my fence and into my yard; I have to replace parts of that wall frequently, however.

But now it’s summer and weather conditions are fine. It’s about noon and I hear a familiar crash. I look out to see a large black SUV straddling the timber wall, a middle-aged lady at the wheel, still talking on her phone, her tires still going forward but a couple of feet off the ground. A mix of radiator fluid, engine oil, transmission fluid, and power steering fluid is squirting all over.

I go up to her.

Me: “Turn off your engine before you ruin it, ma’am.”

I get the “wait” finger while she continues on the phone. I finally SHOUT:


She does so while continuing her phone call. (Gee, I wonder how she missed the turn and ended up on my wall!) She finally gets out of her car, still on the phone.

Me: “Do you want to call the cops, or do you want me to?”

She turns her back to me; I am obviously interrupting her very important phone call. I call the police. The police arrive about ten minutes later and the lady is still on the phone. They ask me if I was involved and I explain that I am the homeowner and the lady was driving.

Cop: “Ma’am, can I please have your license, registration, and insurance information?”

The lady gives the cop the “wait” finger and turns her back to him. After several minutes:

Cop: “I need your license, registration, and insurance papers. Please put your phone down.”

She scowls at him and sets her purse down on the retaining wall in front of her spewing vehicle. While still on her phone, she digs with one hand through her purse and gives him her license. He has to ask her again for the other papers, which she finally gives him. He goes back to his cop car to do whatever they do, make reports, etc.

I am still on the scene, so I walk closer to the lady and overhear part of what she is saying.

Lady: “Yeah, I just got my car out of the shop this morning, and I’m already in another wreck.” *Pauses* “Yeah, some guy put this wall out in the street so that it hit me.”

I intervene and speak to her, interrupting her important phone call.

Me: “I put that wall on my property to keep cars out of my fence.”

I point to the newest section of fence where a car took out some of the wall and went through my fence into my yard last winter.

Lady: *Screaming at me* “I would not have gone through your fence! Idiot!

The cop came and gave her a ticket… and she still had not put down her phone. A wrecker came — oh, boy, that’s ANOTHER story for another time — and ignoring my pleas to lift the car off the wall, just chained up and dragged it from the wall, causing more damage to both the car and my wall.

Still on the phone, the lady got into the wrecker and left.

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This Conversation Lacks Honor And Direction

, , , , | Right | February 15, 2021

I work at the front desk at a small hotel in a popular hotel chain. A couple comes in to check in and gives me their last name.

Me: “Perfect. All I need to get from you is an ID and a credit card for incidentals.”

Husband: “Here’s the ID. Can’t you just use the card on file for incidentals?”

Me: “Normally, yes, but since you booked with a third party and prepaid, they have sent us your payment using a one-time virtual credit card, not the card you paid with.”

Husband: “Hmm, okay. Oh, and can you add my honors onto that?”

We have a tiered honors system where guests earn points for every dollar spent at our hotel, but it will only give them points if they book directly with the hotel or on their honors app.

Me: “I can put your number on there, but since you used a third party, it is unlikely that you will receive points because you paid [Third Party] directly and not the hotel.”

Wife: “My husband travels very frequently; he knows what he’s talking about. Just put the number on there and give us the keys.”

Me: “I will certainly put the number on for you. What is the phone number associated with the account?”

Husband: “1-800…”

I laugh slightly and the wife interrupts him.

Wife: “He thinks he’s funny. I have his honors number written down right here.”

She gives me the number and I attach the account. He is one of our top-tier members, meaning he travels very frequently with our chain, which makes it very odd that he booked with a third party.

Me: “Okay, here are your keys. You will be on the third floor today and the elevators are through those doors to the left. Let me know if you need anything!”

They start walking towards the doors and stop where the hallway begins.

Wife: “Which way are the elevators?”

Me: “To your left.”

Wife: “This way?”

She begins walking left.

Wife: “I use north, south, east, and west, not left and right.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

I didn’t even know how to respond to that statement. Next time, I’ll let her know to take a north to get to the elevator!

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Reached Her Tea-Total, Part 2

, , , | Right | February 14, 2021

Customer: “…and I’d like a green tea with that.”

I hand them a soda cup.

Customer: “What is this for?”

Me: “Your green tea?”

Customer: “I’m afraid that’s unacceptable. I want the tea that you keep back there.”

The customer gestures to the kitchen.

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but all of our iced teas are self-serve as of several years ago. I can assure you that the product is the same.”

Customer: “But I want the kind that you put a scoop of ice and a straw in. I got it here last week.”

I continue to explain that what she’s describing doesn’t exist while she gets increasingly frustrated and demands to see my manager. She’s waiting at the register with her arms crossed when he appears and sweetly asks her what seems to be the problem.

Customer: “I need a refund on this drink. I want the green tea that you used to sell with ice and a straw.”

Manager: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am, our green tea is actually self-serve now.”

Customer: *Brightening instantly* “Oh! Well, okay, thank you so much!”

Reached Her Tea-Total

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