Being A Man Sure Is Handy Sometimes

, , , , , | Romantic | July 10, 2021

My husband, toddler, and I are getting ready to go on a hike. I have a Shewee — a female urination device — so I don’t have to squat in the woods. I’m having a hard time finding where I put it last.

Me: “I’ve got to stop misplacing my pee thing.”

Husband: “Huh, I don’t have that problem.”

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Dentists Are Expensive; Establish Good Habits Early!

, , , , , | Related | June 26, 2021

My husband and I are going out for a date, so my in-laws are babysitting for us. When they get to our house I go over our two-year-old’s bedtime routine. I show them where we keep her toothbrush and flossers. 

Father-In-Law: “You brush her teeth? Why? She’s only two.”

Me: “Because she has teeth.”

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A Textbook Example Of Bad Driving

, , , , , | Friendly | June 25, 2021

The summer I graduate high school, three of my high school friends and I go on a road trip to celebrate graduating. Things go well driving to our destination, and we are now heading back to the city we live in. We have hit rush hour and the friend driving begins to brag about how good of a driver she is and that her dad taught her how to text, drive, and eat while driving. Major red flag. She starts getting text messages from her parents asking for an update on where we are. She starts texting them back, and because she isn’t paying attention, she starts to veer into the other lane. She continues to do so for the following conversation. The entire time I am calm, but stern.

Me: “[Driver], please put your phone away.”

Driver: “It’s fine. I’ve got this.”

Me: “No, you don’t. Please put your phone away. It can wait. Or you can pass your phone to one of us and we can text them back for you.”

Driver: “It’s fine, [My Name]! Geez, I know how to text and drive.”

Me: “Hand the phone to [Friend].”

Driver: “Calm down, [My Name]!”

Me: “Hand the phone to [Friend], because if I have to reach up there and take it from you, it will be going out the window.”

Silently but unhappily, she handed her phone to [Friend]. Later, she complained that I was being uncool about the trip, but everyone took my side the second I told them what actually happened. Her parents even looked embarrassed when I explained to them why she was mad at me.

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Your Scam Holds No Quarter With Me

, , , , | Right | June 3, 2021

I was having a garage sale. This was stuff that probably even a thrift store would not want, just junk I had around for too many years. I had stuff on tables and in boxes with essentially giveaway prices: a twenty-five-cent table, boxes of ten-cent stuff, even boxes of free stuff, and very few things like hardback books for fifty cents or a dollar. Most people just scanned the junk and left. One woman came and spent quite a long time looking at various items. I saw her pick up a bud vase from the twenty-five-cent table and turn her back to me. I figured she was just going to pocket the item. I really didn’t care.

She came up to me and held out the bud vase.

Customer: “I guess this will be all. It’s a good bargain for only a nickel.”

Me: “Hmm, I don’t have anything for a nickel. I had that on the twenty-five-cent table.”

Customer: *Immediately in a rage*What? This has a sticker on it that says five cents!”

She shows me the bottom of the vase with an orange printed five-cent sticker which I’ve never used.

Me: *Just because* “Oh, I watched you put that sticker on it to try to cheat me, so I’ve decided to just keep the vase and not sell it to you.”

Customer: *Screaming*I did no such thing! You’re just trying to make me pay more because I’m [nationality]!”

This may or may not be the case; I can’t tell if she is or not. She grabs the bud vase and literally runs to her car and speeds off, not even giving me the nickel or the quarter, just stealing it.

Me: *Thinking* “Really, for a quarter?”

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¡Que Embarazada!, Part 2

, , , , | Healthy | June 1, 2021

My friend has recently given birth to her daughter and is at the doctor’s office for the baby’s one-week checkup. She obviously hasn’t had her stomach “bounce” back yet. The nurse comes in and takes one look at her belly.

Nurse: “How are you already pregnant again! Didn’t you just give birth?!”

¡Que Embarazada!

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