Husband, You Wound Me

, , , , , , | Romantic | February 18, 2018

(I am looking at Pinterest when I find a pin on how to do subcutaneous sutures. I am looking at it when my husband comes in, glances over my shoulder and issues the following pronouncement:)

Husband: “You don’t get to practice on me. We’ll get you a side of pork if you really want to try.”

(I have no medical background, whatsoever; I was just looking out of curiosity.)

Not Berry Nice

, , , , , | Right | February 13, 2018

(I work at a grocery store that is undergoing renovation, set to end a few weeks before Christmas. There are many “moments,” but this one takes the everlasting chocolate fudge cake. By this point, we have finished the remodel, and it is January, when this guy decides to yell at a coworker and me.)

Customer: “This is ridiculous!”

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah. Why were you doing all this construction with people still in the store?”

Me: “Sir, during the remodel we closed the store at nine pm when the construction guys came in to work overnight, so there would be less of an inconvenience to our customers.”

Customer: *shouting in our faces* “Well, it was an inconvenience! You remodeled for six months! You should have just closed the whole d*** store while it was under construction!”

(He storms off before I can reply that we need our paychecks from working here, and there is no union.)

Coworker: *whispering to me* “What. The. F***?”

(About six months later, I found out from a woman who knew that customer that he was banished from the local ski mountain for being irritating and rude to their employees, and he was also a trust-funder who hadn’t worked a day in his life. As for the groceries that he found it annoying to buy during our renovation? BERRIES. And, he refuses to buy our strawberries if they’re not on sale. This guy still comes in, and is still an annoying a**hole.)

Tackling Some Aspects Of The Job

, , , , , | Working | February 12, 2018

(I work in a small entertainment retail store, which is in a bad part of town and has very little security, so customers can easily find the blind spots in our surveillance system. One of our policies regarding theft is that we aren’t allowed to chase customers out of the store, stop them from leaving the store, or even lay a finger on them. The manager of my department is a little old lady, and is VERY good at keeping an eye on people. On this day, she finds a boy in a blind corner taking a pair of headphones out of a box and stuffing them into his pocket. She approaches him, but he doesn’t notice her, too focused on the product.)

Manager: “Excuse me… Can I help you with something?”

(He looks up at her, like a deer in headlights, PUSHES her aside and starts booking it to the door. She alerts everyone over the walkie-talkies.)

Manager: “WE’VE GOT A RUNNER! HE’S HEADED TO THE FRONT!”

(All the employees head to the exit. Our front-end supervisor — a woman the size of a sumo wrestler — and the store manager are already up there and see him approaching. The front-end supervisor then BODY-SLAMS him to the ground, completely immobilizing him.)

Store Manager: “[Front-End Supervisor]! Get up! Get up! We’re not supposed to touch him!”

(The front-end supervisor gets off him, and he runs out the door. She doesn’t chase after him, but she opens the door and screams at him.)

Front-End Supervisor: “HEY, A**FACE! WE’VE GOT YOU ON CAMERA! GOOD LUCK!”

(We later found that the boy dropped his wallet on his way out, and we had all the identification to prosecute. The front-end supervisor was promoted to assistant manager.)

That’s Exactly How Contracts Work

, , , , , | Right | February 10, 2018

(I’m a leasing agent for a large community. We often go through the lease paperwork with new tenants that have been working with a different agent previously. On this occasion, I have completed the lease signing and am going through the move-in information, including the first payment.)

Me: “Okay, everything is all set. I just need your certified check for move-in. Your total is $900.00.”

Tenant: “What? The other guy said I only owed $500 for the first month’s rent!”

Me: “Yes, your monthly rent is $500, but you are moving in mid-month, so you actually owe the remainder of this month, plus next month.”

Tenant: “But that’s not what he said!”

(I show him the paperwork that clearly states that if you are moving in mid-month, you will have a prorated charge.)

Tenant: “But that’s not fair! I shouldn’t have to pay that!”

Me: “I’m really sorry if you misunderstood when you leased the apartment, but you do need to pay for the days you live here.”

Tenant: “You are stealing from me! You liar. I’m going to call corporate and get you fired!”

Me: “I’m really sorry you feel that way, but again, you signed the paperwork, and you can’t live here for free.”

Tenant: “Well, f*** you, b****! I guess I’ll just have to read things before I sign them, since you’re all a bunch of liars!”

Me: “Umm, yeah. I actually would recommend reading things before you sign them.”

Needs To Stop Doing That

, , , , , | Working | February 9, 2018

(I’m riding my scooter down the street and I come to a construction zone. The road is closed off to one lane and the guy with the stop/slow sign is signalling for my side to stop so the cars going the other direction can go through. I stop, and when I do, the worker holding the sign starts walking toward me. I figure there’s either an issue he’s going to inform me of or he wants to comment on my bike.)

Worker: “Hey, did you need something?”

Me: “Uh… No?”

Worker: “Why’d you stop, then?”

(I wordlessly pointed to the stop sign he was holding in his hand. He looked up at it and just said, “…ooh!” in a tone that made it sound like he only just realized he had it in his hand.)

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