For Everything Else, There’s TasterCard

, , , | | Right | May 25, 2009

Me: “That’s £26.50, please.”

Customer: “Can I pay by card?”

Me: “Sure. Please enter your card into the machine, and then put in your pin code.”

Customer: “Right, are these machines waterproof?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir?”

Customer: “I wouldn’t get an electric shock from one, would I?”

Me: “Err, no?”

(Suddenly, the customer bends his head down and uses his mouth to cover up the keys. He then uses his tongue to try and push down the numbers of his pin code.)

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to stop! That’s incredibly unhygienic.”

Customer: “But it’s the only way to keep it safe!”

Me: “Have you considered covering the keys with your hand instead of your mouth?”

Customer: “Yes, but it’s not as safe!”

Me: “I’m afraid we’re just going to have to risk that. We can’t have you licking our machines.”

Customer: “Bah!”

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Protection Against The Inevitable

, , | | Right | May 19, 2009

(A pregnant teenage girl walks in with her mom and boyfriend.)

Customer: “Hi. Can I get my tongue pierced?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you are pregnant, right?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “We can’t pierce anybody that’s pregnant, I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Well, any slight infection in your tongue could hurt your unborn child.”

Customer: “But that’s only if it gets infected, right?”

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Abandon All Hope, All Ye In Dante’s Diner

, , , , | | Right | May 14, 2009

(We provide a complimentary bowl of prawn crackers at our restaurant. When I go to take a customers order, I notice he has eaten the entire bowl.)

Customer: “You know, I’m allergic to MSG. I’ll die immediately if I even eat one milligram.”

Me: “Those prawn crackers you just ate have MSG in them.”

Customer: “Oh, my God, I’m going to die!”

(Two hours later, when the bill comes around…)

Customer: “I don’t think I should pay for the meal. I’m going to die anyway.”

Me: “Um… yes, that will happen eventually, but it’s been two hours and you’re still kicking.”

Customer: “Maybe I’ve died and we’re all in purgatory? In that case, technically, I haven’t eaten anything.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to pay for your meal.”

Customer: “Purgatory waitresses aren’t very compassionate, are they?”

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Octomom, The Early Years

, | | Right | May 13, 2009

(A middle-aged woman who doesn’t look too well comes up to my checkout.)

Me: “Hi! How are you today?”

Customer: “I think I’m in labour.”

Me: “Oh! Shouldn’t you be in the hospital?” *starts scanning her items*

Customer: “Nah, this is my third one. I won’t go to the hospital until I know it’s coming out.”

Me: “Oh. Um… all right.”

(I finish ringing her up and hand her her bags.)

Customer: “Yeah, it doesn’t hurt or anything. After the first one, you don’t really notice!” *takes her things and leaves*

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The Chump With The Hump Under Her Rump

, , , | | Right | May 13, 2009

(I’m bus passenger and notice another passenger sitting with one half of her butt on one seat, and the other on another. The divider is between them, squarely up her crack.)

Bus driver: “Ma’am, you’ll have to move. This bus is very crowded and you’re taking up two seats.”

Passenger: “What do you mean I’m taking up two seats? This is how you’re supposed to sit.”

Bus driver: “No it isn’t, ma’am. You’re straddling the divider.”

Passenger: “You mean this isn’t the a**-cheek divider?”

Bus driver: “No, ma’am, that’s the seat divider!”

Passenger: “Aw… but it feels good to sit like this!”

Bus driver: “Well, ma’am, your… pleasure… will have to wait.”

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