Mixing In Danger Costs Extra

, , , | | Right | June 8, 2009

Customer: “Hi, I’d like vanilla ice cream with peanut butter cups mixed in, please.”

Me: “Okay, is that all for you?”

Customer: “Yes, and just so you know, I’m allergic to peanuts. Can you make sure it’s nut-free?”

Me: “Uh… you just ordered PEANUT butter cups for your ice cream…

Customer: “I thought you guys could do allergy-safe ice cream. The sign says you can make sure my food is allergy-safe!”

Me: “Well, yes… but you need to order food without peanuts in it first…”

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The Flesh Is Bright But The Mind Is Dimming

, , | | Healthy Right | June 8, 2009

Me: “Okay, sir, just a few x-rays and we’ll be done.”

Patient: “Please make it quick. I don’t want to glow when I leave!”

Me: “No, sir, I promise you won’t glow. That’s just an x-ray joke.”

Patient: “It’s dark out! I can’t glow or I’ll be seen!”

Me: “Sir, I swear you will not glow.”

Patient: “NO GLOOOWWWIINNG!”

Me: *gives up* “…The glow afterward is so faint, no one will ever see it.”

Patient: “Oh…okay, then. Proceed…”

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Outlaws In Utero

, , , | | Right | June 5, 2009

Caller: “I want to complain. I was driving in the carpool lane and I got a ticket, but I’m pregnant with twins, so they count as two passengers!”

Me: “Um… I don’t think the policeman would have any way of knowing that…”

Caller: “But I showed him a picture from my ultrasound!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m pretty sure passengers have to be outside of your body.”

Caller: “Oh!”

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It’s A Perm, Not A Sperm

, , , | | Right | June 5, 2009

Me: “[Beauty supply store], how can I help you?”

Caller: *almost sobbing* “I need help! Do you know about permanent waves?”

Me: “Yes, we carry a few different brands. Did you buy one here?”

Caller: “No, I had one done by a friend. I don’t know where she bought it. I need to know… is it true that you can get pregnant if you have a perm while you’re on your period?”

(At this point I’m hoping it’s a prank call. I try to keep my voice professional.)

Me: “No, ma’am. A perm can’t cause that.”

Caller: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes, I am 100% positive having your hair permed can’t make you pregnant.”

Caller: “Oh, thank God!” *hangs up*

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Hand Washing’s Heyday Is Gone

, , , | | Right | June 2, 2009

(I was bagging groceries at a till when this occurs.)

Me: “Would you like your meat wrapped in plastic?”

Customer: “Why would I want that?”

Me: “Well, it’s to prevent cross-contamination. If your chicken were to leak, it could contaminate your beef.”

Customer: “That’s bull!”

Me: “Uh… what?”

Customer: “Cross-contamination doesn’t exist anymore. It hasn’t for fifty years. Where have you been?”

Me: “…”

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