You Can Buy Cake Mix For Like Two Bucks, Lady

, , , , , | Working | July 20, 2021

My coworker is a bit of a cake fiend; at any celebration, birthday, or event, she takes more than her fair share. The night shift has complained, but she doesn’t care. I’ve caught her taking extra home and hiding cake in her lunch box.

One birthday, I decide I’m going to make a point of it. I buy an extra box and put it at the back of the fridge, behind other food. I tell the night shift to look there later. I don’t realise, but [Coworker] finds it and puts it with the others. None gets left.

I try making up a box at another event and leaving it on my desk, thinking she won’t take it. Nope, she takes that, too; this time she takes out the ones she doesn’t like and eats the rest. It’s like she takes it personally against the other shift.

On my birthday, I’m certain to sort it out. I let one of the night shift guys in on my plan. I bake two cakes: a sort of double chocolate cake and a traybake.

I let everyone know that the traybake is for everyone, but I ask that they please leave the double chocolate cake for the night shift. I write, “Do not eat,” on the box and put it in the fridge.

The next morning, I catch the nightshift guy early and he tells me there was no cake. I know what’s happened, so I go to my boss.

Me: “Look. It sounds stupid, but I baked a cake for the night shift and someone stole it.”

Boss: “I’ll look into it, but without proof, I can’t do much.”

Me: “I know, but it needs addressing.”

Boss: “Talking of cakes, did everyone enjoy yours? No one’s feeling sick?”

Me: “Nope, everyone’s here apart from [Coworker].”

Boss: “Yeah, she called in sick again and mentioned something about cake. Wouldn’t explain, though.” 

Me: “Nothing to do with the entire chocolate chilli cake that went missing.”

Boss: “I hope you’re not saying you tampered with food and baited her.”

Me: “A cake I told her not to eat and wrote ‘Do not eat’ on? You would have a hard time proving any sort of intent.”

Annoyingly, she was seen on camera going into the kitchen, but we couldn’t prove she took the cake. She knew not to accuse me as I had hoped, because that would have got her into trouble.

The only saving grace was when she started to use my cake tub to bring her lunch in. She tried to say that it was empty and she thought it was hers, but she still got a warning for it.

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That Attitude Doesn’t Suit You

, , , , , | Working | July 20, 2021

I normally work behind the scenes, but somehow I’ve ended up spending a lot more time working with the sales guys. I hate it; it’s all so fake and pompous. Luckily, the sales guys are pretty down-to-earth and friendly, all bar one, [Sales Guy #1].

He believes all his own hype, he boasts about everything, he lies, and he betrays everyone for his own gain. I hate the guy.

I show up at a customer’s multi-million-pound headquarters. [Sales Guy #1] appears in his flashy car, wearing his Italian shoes, skinny suit, and ridiculous sunglasses. He walks over to me and sneers at my car.

Sales Guy #1: “You should really sort this car out. Get something a little less drab.”

Me: “Having two kids will allow for a lot of drab, [Sales Guy #1].”

Sales Guy #1: “You see, that was your mistake, wasn’t it? Wouldn’t let someone tie me down.”

Thankfully, the other guys arrive and we head inside.

Sales Guy #2: “Hey, nice suit, [My Name]!”

Me: “Thanks.”

Sales Guy #1: “Yeah, sure, nice.” *Scoffs*

Sales Guy #2: “Don’t listen to him. What is it?”

Me: “Err… Gucci.”

Sales Guy #1: “No, it’s not!”

He grabs my collar, checking that it is.

Sales Guy #1: “Hmm… Well, I suppose it’s okay.”

Me: “They fit great. You should get one, [Sales Guy #1]. Yours is a little drab.”

It was wonderful; he didn’t speak to me for days. Of course, I never told him that I bought the suit from a charity shop and had it tailored. I think he did actually go out and buy a new suit just to compete.

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All Together Now: “No, Thank You. I’m Not Interested.”

, , , , | Working | July 20, 2021

The best way to handle cold-calling is to be honest, polite, and straight to the point. Don’t pretend you’re interested and don’t make up a story. Just, “No, thank you. I’m not interested,” and repeat until they get the idea. I find being totally emotionless really helps.

I get a knock on my door out of the blue and find a young guy in a badly fitted suit standing there.

Me: “Hi. Can I help you?”

Salesman: “No, but I can help you! You see, we are having a special limited-time offer.”

Me: “No, thank you. I’m not interested.”

Salesman: “Hold on now. I haven’t even told you what I’m offe—”

Me: “No, thank you. I’m not interested.”

Salesman: “Come on, you never know what you’re missing out on.”

Me: “The sign says no cold-calling. So, no, thank you. I’m not interested.”

Salesman:  “Can I at least leave you a brochure?”

Me: “…”

Salesman: *Sighs* “No, thank you, you’re not interested?”

Me: “You got it. Better luck at the next house.”

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Why Not Just Come Out And Say You Own The Staff At This Point… 

, , , , | Right | July 19, 2021

Some years ago, I worked in the public library in a small-ish town and, as I am somewhat distinctive looking, a lot of library users would recognise me in other settings and approach me to chat with me about the library or ask me where we had met. I had a few run-ins where people tried to return their library books to me while I was working out at the gym and such, but this was the most memorable experience.

I am browsing in a high street clothes shop when an older woman with an armful of clothes taps me, unnecessarily firmly, on the shoulder and waves a dress at me.

Woman: “Find me this in a size fourteen.”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t work here.”

I turn to walk away but she grabs my shoulder.

Woman: “Yes, you do! I recognise you! You’re from that book shop!”

Me: “I work in the library, but—”

Woman: *Yelling* “So find me this in a bloody size fourteen!”

Her shouting has attracted the attention of a couple of the actual employees of the shop, who approach us to see what’s wrong.

Staff Member: “Ma’am, please lower your voice. I can help you.”

Woman: “I don’t want you! I want this rude b**** to do it!”

Staff Member: “She doesn’t work here.”

Woman: “She works somewhere! That means she works for me!”

At this point, several people who were earwigging nearby burst out laughing, and the sound took some of the wind out of the woman’s sails. I seized the opportunity and fled to a different section of the store. As I was at the checkout, one of the staff members approached me and asked me about the incident. He told me that the woman had done the same thing before, when she’d targeted an older man who was a volunteer in the charity shop across the street.

I understand people occasionally making this mistake; surely it happens a lot. But acknowledging that I work somewhere else and still expecting me to serve her, as if all people who work in front line customer services are some sort of interchangeable mass? Crazy.

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It Might Be Easier To List Things You CAN Google At Work

, , , , | Working | July 16, 2021

I am discussing work with my coworker when he suddenly comes out with a non-sequitur.

Coworker: “Did you hear about the survey that included ‘Chinese’ under ‘sexuality’?”

Me: “Um, what?”

Coworker: “Yeah, they included it under ‘sexuality’ instead of ‘ethnicity’ by accident. Let me show you.”

My coworker turns to his computer, opens Google, and starts to type “Chinese sexuality survey.”

Me: “NO! That is not something you Google at work!”

My coworker pauses, Googles “Things you do not Google at work,” and points at the screen, displaying a webpage listing things one does not Google at work.

Coworker: “Yay!”

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