A Misunderstanding Is On The Cards

, , , , , , | Working | April 8, 2018

(I am in a queue for self-service checkout machines in a supermarket I visit frequently. I only have a few items and no cash, so I have my card in hand. I approach an available machine and note the sign saying it is card only. When I scan the first item:)

Machine: “This machine can only accept card payments. Do you wish to continue?”

(I press “yes” and carry on. As I am about to pay, an assistant runs over.)

Assistant: “You can’t use that one!”

Me: “It’s all right; I have my card.”

Assistant: “But it’s card only!”

Me: “I know. I want to use my card.”

Assistant: “But it’s broken.”

Me: “It is?”

Assistant: “Yes, it’s card only!”

Me: “So I… can use my card?”

Assistant: “No, the card machine is broken.”

Me: “So… it’s cash only? Or will it not accept cash or card?”

Assistant: “It’s card only.”

(At this point I give up, turn back to the machine, and pay with my card. As I am leaving, the assistant tries to stop me.)

Assistant: “You have to pay at another till! If you walk out now, you are stealing.”

(I carry on, walking over to the security guard by the door.)

Me: “Excuse me. Could you just look at my receipt before I leave? I wouldn’t want her to accuse me of stealing.”

Guard: “Oh, not again. [Assistant]! If they pay by card, it’s okay! The machine accepts card payments!”

Abort This Doctor’s Appointment

, , , , , | Healthy | April 7, 2018

(I have made an appointment with my general practitioner, as I have developed a skin condition on my foot that I want checked out. Please note that I am definitely overweight, but not in any way obese, and the doctor himself is visibly much more overweight than I am. When I am called through, he listens to my concern, then pulls out this gem:)

Doctor: “How much do you weigh?”

Me: *confused, but assuming this is part of the normal health assessment* “Um, about [weight].”

Doctor: “Okay, and what birth control are you using?”

Me: *now assuming the problem could be a side effect of some birth control types* “Oh, none. I’m not in a relationship, but if I were, we’d probably use condoms.”

Doctor: “Oh, good. You know, you really are quite overweight. It’s good you’re not sexually active. At your weight, if you fell pregnant, I’d have to force you to have an abortion.”

(This statement shocked me so badly that I froze and just sat, staring at him, as he lectured me about my weight. He advised me to try taking very small bites of my food, telling me that this method worked great for him. I left, still in a state of shock, and then realised that he did not address the problem with my feet. Another doctor later confirmed it was eczema.)

Doesn’t Understand The Words Coming Out Of Her (Ver)Mouth

, , , , , | Right | April 6, 2018

(I am a manager in a pub that offers a wide range of cocktails. We have a 2-for-1 offer on cocktails. An elderly couple and their adult daughter come in. They order their drinks and everything goes smoothly, until…)

Customer: “Can I have a dry martini, please?”

Me: “I can certainly make you one, but just to let you know, it is not on our cocktail menu, so it wouldn’t be a part of 2-for-1 offer. Is that okay?”

Customer: “No, no, I don’t want a cocktail, just a dry martini, please.”

Me: “All right, so just dry vermouth, then.”

Customer: “No, I do not want vermouth; I want a dry martini!”

Me: “Sorry, I’m just trying to understand whether you would like a classic cocktail that involves vermouth and gin, or a Martini-brand vermouth on its own?”

Customer: “I want a martini, but not vermouth.”

(I proceeded to explain the difference again, finally achieving success. Hopefully now the lady will know that her favourite drink is actually vermouth!)

Ruler Of The Seven Kingdoms And The Eight Slices

, , , , , , | Working | April 6, 2018

(A conversation with a coworker has led us to talk about dreams where we do things we wouldn’t in reality.)

Me: “I can’t think of any dream where I was really evil or anything. But I guess I’ve stolen a few things. There was a taxi some years ago and, more recently, a slice of pizza from a dragon.”

Boss: *overhearing* “Did you just say you stole pizza from a dragon?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Boss: *short pause* “That’s why Daenerys attacked.”

I’m Just Dead-Horsing Around

, , , , , | Working | April 5, 2018

(My family has just flown back to the UK from a trip abroad. My sister and her husband, who no longer live in the UK, are renting a car to use for the week they are staying with my parents. After a long, very delayed flight, we are tired and sweaty, and we just want to get the car and go. Naturally, the agents at the car rental office are eager to up-sell my sister to a bigger car and go through all the tricks, even trying to convince us that we will never fit all our suitcases in the car. The agent suggests we look at the car just to be sure we don’t want the bigger one. Her husband and I go outside to see the car. The agent pops the boot.)

Agent: “See? Not a lot of room here. Not for your five bags.”

(I am so fed up at this point that I just want us to be done; I know we can fit the bags with no problem.)

Me: “I’d fit a dead horse in there.”

(I must have delivered it with a very serious tone; the agent just went silent and stared at me for a moment, before quietly closing the car, returning to the office, and completing my sister’s rental application without much more to say. It’s worth noting that both my sister and I love animals, are vegetarians, and would never dream of hurting animals… but I was fed up.)

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