Stupidity Is Escalating

, , , , | Right | January 4, 2019

(A customer has been standing on the first step of some stairs for about five minutes. I approach her.)

Me: “Hello, madam. Is there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yes, could you find out why these stairs aren’t moving?”

Me: “Moving? Do you mean an escalator? It’s right over there.” *points*

Customer: *craning her neck and nodding* “But why aren’t these ones moving?”

Me: “Because… they’re just normal stairs.”

(She turns back to face the stairs and continues to stand there in silence. I don’t know what else to say, so I just leave her be. About an hour later I walk by the same stairs and see her storming towards the exit shouting that we “need to get our stairs fixed!” I go to the services counter.)

Coworker: *sensing my question* “Yes. She was literally stood there the entire time you were gone, not moving a muscle. [Manager] went over to help but she completely blanked him.”

(To this day I still can’t imagine what was going on in her head.)

Hooked On The Theater

, , , , , , , | Friendly | January 3, 2019

Our class is scheduled to see a West End production. We dress in our formal clothes, and we get to the theatre early. Most of our class is happy to wait in the foyer or on the sidewalk, but three of us want to look around the area. One of our male teachers agrees to chaperone us on a walk.

At first, we’re cheerful and loudly discuss which way to go. We turn down a side street, which seems at first to be lined with small shops with neon marquees and neon-lit windows. There’s only foot traffic here, and some women are clustered around open doorways, chatting or leaning against walls. But as we near the closest marquees, we realize who the women are, and what the “shops” actually are. And we begin to realize we are a group of three young women wearing fancy dresses being escorted by a guy at least twice our age, and that this is not a place we want to be at all.

My eyes bug out, and we giggle nervously while our teacher turns red. We go quiet and focus on getting to the other end of the alley while the hookers watch us.

We head back to the theatre immediately. We never say a word about it to our classmates or the other teachers.

He Threw Away His Shot… And His Job

, , , , | Legal | January 2, 2019

My brother has been a member of the civil nuclear constabulary — a section of the British police force that exclusively guards the countries nuclear sites — for some time. The job itself is very mundane and quiet most of the time. The force has never fired a shot in anger in the more than 60 years it has been in existence and usually averages under 25 arrests nationwide per year. It does, however, have some stories from the past that are quite alarming. This one, in particular, was told to my brother’s training group by their firearms instructor.

This story happens in 2004, in a post-9/11 world that’s also seen a sharp increase in suicide bombing incidents. There are two types of guards at Britain’s nuclear sites: the true civil nuclear police who are a well-armed and well-trained force who wear full ballistic protection and carry a range of firearms, and the onsite security staff who are employed by private security firms, are not classed as police, and are armed with at most a baton and pepper spray. The security staff serves as gate guards and interior checkpoint monitors, whilst the police do roaming patrols on and around the site.

The security firm decided its employees needed training in how to handle a credible suicide threat, and thus had one of their offsite employees approach the front gate of a nuclear site wearing a fake bomb vest. Unfortunately, it slipped this company’s mind to inform the multitude of highly-armed police onsite that this was going to be happening.

This man approached the gate wearing a large coat, and when confronted by the security staff, he shrugged off his coat to reveal a very convincing bomb vest and started shouting at the guards. As this occurred, one of the police officers arrived behind him in a patrol vehicle and after stopping, quickly exited the vehicle, shouted a warning, and got as far as cocking his rifle to open fire when the guy spun around screaming, “Training exercise!” repeatedly whilst throwing himself on the floor with his arms outstretched.

The police officer held his fire, and after a rather tense period, the actor’s identity was confirmed and he was allowed to get up and remove his outfit. The police officer, incredibly, was reprimanded and dismissed for holding his fire. At the hearing, when he said he could have killed the man, his superior simply responded that he should have.

The instructor finished this story with the warning that the constabulary expected deadly force to be used against persons who were deemed a credible threat to life or the facility, and if anyone present felt they would be unable to pull the trigger they should get up and leave now. Three people of the 25 present got up and left.

So far my brother and every other member of the force has shot nothing but training targets. I hope their presence at Britain’s nuclear sites as a force in being is sufficient to ensure that it stays that way.

Unfiltered Story #135391

, , | Unfiltered | January 2, 2019

(This comes from a friend, we will call him Bob…)

Bob goes to fit a smoke alarm, no sooner had he put the battery in and fitted it, the alarm sounded.

Bob: (on the phone) this smoke alarm keeps going off.

Sales team: i’m sorry sir, it must be faulty, please come back to the store and we will replace it.

(Bob goes down to the store and get another one, again no sooner was the battery fitted and placed on the bracket, the alarm goes off, he tries to reset it and refit the battery but it happens again.)

Bob: (on the phone) I have been down once already to replace this smoke alarm and the new one keeps going off.

Sales team: I am sorry sir, we must have a had a faulty batch, we have one of the old ones in stock, please come down and we will give you one of them.

(Bob goes down and replaces it once more, but yes the alarm keeps going on, I pop round to see him and he tells me the story.)

Me; Ok, so show me what is happening, I know a bit about these things, maybe I can spot something.

Bob: ok, so watch. (He gets the alarm, fits the battery and raises it above his head, the alarm goes off immediately.) See total rubbish!

Me; (sigh) yeah, it will go off if you are smoking at the time.

(Bob put the cigarette out and amazingly fitted the alarm without any further issue.)

Her Light Bulb Is Cracked

, , , , , | Legal | January 1, 2019

Years ago, circa 2010, I worked as door staff at a fairly rough nightclub. We had a policy that every person through the door had to be searched with a wand and be subject to a bag check. I searched a woman and found a baggie of white powder in her purse. I confiscated it and turned her away; she began ranting and screaming at me but her friends escorted her away. I put the bag in our drug safe to be turned over to the cops and carried on with work.

A little while later, a police car drove up and two officers got out. The woman from before came storming back up and started screaming again. One of the officers said, “We have a report that you stole a mobile phone.” I was mystified as I didn’t even have a phone on me, but then the woman started ranting at him about me stealing from her.

A light bulb flashed on in my brain, and I radioed the manager to bring the baggie out. When she did, the crazy woman snatched it and started waving it at the police, telling them to arrest me for theft. The look on their faces was priceless as they arrested her and tested the powder; it came back positive — for what I don’t know, but the little pack changed color. It turned out that she had called 999 and the operator had misheard what she was ranting about and thought she said mobile. Gotta love drunk idiots!

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