The Lights Are On, But We Wish No One Was Home

, , , , , , | Friendly | February 19, 2021

It’s autumn and the nights are creeping in. I’ve just finished shopping in a not-too-busy retail park. As I pull out of the parking space, I figure it couldn’t hurt to put my lights on.

Literally as my hand is on the switch, a car behind me starts flashing its lights and honking its horn. I didn’t cut them off — it isn’t even close — so I figure it must be about the lights. 

I switch them on (as I was about to do) and give a friendly wave and carry on. This is when the driver cuts the wrong way round the car park to get past me and stops in front of me.

She steps one foot out of her car and shouts at me.

Woman: “Lights on, idiot! It’s getting dark.”

I’m normally a confrontational person and I’m happy to say my piece, but she is being so overdramatic that it’s too surreal to take seriously.

Me: “Okay, love. Thank you. You’re so sweet.”

This pisses her off to no end.

Woman: “I am not your love!”

Me: “Okay, love, the streetlights aren’t even on yet. On you go.”

She huffed and puffed and seemed to think about approaching me, but she thought better of it. She got in her car, slammed her door, put her foot down… and drove straight into the kerbstone. I couldn’t see the damage, but by the noise, her car was certainly missing the corner of the bumper.

She jumped out, shouted at me, shouted at the car, and shouted seemingly at the world in general. As I decided to make a hastily retreat, she even tried to get in front of my car.

I don’t know what made her day so bad that she had to try to take it out on someone, but I know she made it a whole lot worse.

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The Need To Manscape Does Not Make You A Man

, , , , , , | Right | February 18, 2021

A group of teenagers is in the theatre to see the show. Three of them approach the bar; two order Cokes and one orders a beer.

Me: “Sure, could I just see your ID for the beer?”

Boy: “Oh, I’m eighteen.”

Me: “Okay, I will still need to see your ID before I can give you the beer.”

He pulls down the neck of his T-shirt.

Boy: “But I have chest hair!”

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Not A Customer-Employee Matcha Made In Heaven

, , , , , | Working | February 18, 2021

My friend and I are sitting in a coffee shop and have ordered our drinks. Despite not being busy, it seems to take a long time for anyone to get served. We grab a table in sight of the collection area and wait… and wait and wait.

Eventually, they call our names and I collect the drinks. We chat for a bit and then I take a sip.

It’s a matcha (tea) latte, and while normally bitter, this tastes just wrong. I grab some sweetener and it gets worse the more I drink. Even the colour is wrong; it’s normally light green but this looks brown. I go up to the counter to try to get it sorted.

After a long wait to get served, I explain.

Me: “I’m sorry, but this is disgusting. It is brown and so bitter I can’t drink it.”

Barista #1: *Dripping with sarcasm* “Yeah, that would be the coffee in it.”

Me: “What? It’s a tea; there is no coffee in there.”

Barista #1: *Sighs* “Look, if you don’t like the drink, you shouldn’t order it.”

Me: “I do like the drink, but it’s disgusting. Do you have a manager here?”

Barista #1: *Smirking* “I’m the manager on duty today.”

Me: “You know what? I’ll just talk to someone who knows what they are talking about.”

She waves me off sarcastically. I ring the corporate phone line and explain that the “manager” managed to put coffee in my tea and that they just didn’t seem to care. They give me a large gift card, and I return the next week to spend it.

Me: “Can I get a matcha latte, please?”

Barista #2: “Sure.”

Me: “Oh, and no coffee in that, please.”

Barista #2: “Sorry?”

Me: “Last time, someone put coffee in it.”

Barista #2:  “Don’t worry sir, there’s no one here that will make that mistake again.”

I’m not sure what happened to the sarcastic manager, but I never saw her there again.

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Who Doesn’t Love Unsolicited Advice?

, , , , | Related | February 18, 2021

Our daughter is less than a year old. We have gotten through some difficult spots but feel pretty in control; the baby is in routine, sleeping and feeding well.

I’m at a family house party with most of my wife’s family. My wife’s grandmother is there; she’s a lovely woman but has an opinion on everything and goes out of her way to share it. Before even a hello, [Grandmother] starts in:

Grandmother: “Are you feeding that baby enough?”

Me: “Yes, we’ve been feeding her as we should. Thank you.”

Grandmother: “You need to support the head more; let me show you.”

Me: “No, thank you. She has just fallen asleep. Hello, by the way.”

Grandmother: “She looks cold.”

Wife: “Grandmother, please! The baby is fine; we are fine. Leave [My Name] alone.”

Grandmother: “I’m just saying.”

She quietens down but keeps sniping at me throughout the night. I ignore most of it, but it is getting tiring. To my surprise, my wife’s father — [Grandmother]’s son — pulls me to one side.

Father-In-Law: “Hey, you’re doing a great job. I don’t like to say this, but [Grandmother] — bless her — didn’t know what she was doing half the time she was raising us. It’s a wonder we survived.” *Laughs* “Some people just can’t help themselves but open their mouths when they think they know better.”

The grandmother never did stop giving us “advice,” but after that, it was easier to ignore.

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There’s Strengthening Your Immune System And Then There’s This

, , , , , , , | Healthy | February 17, 2021

I’m a volunteer marshall. I do anything required at a vaccination site to make things go smoothly, except preparing and giving the actual injections, though I have applied to be trained to do that, too!

The tested vaccine protocol for both vaccines currently on offer in the UK is two doses, three weeks apart. The government has decided to focus on getting as many people their first vaccination as soon as possible, so patients are being told to wait twelve weeks for their second vaccination. I was vaccinated three weeks ago, which means I am ready for a second shot, but I probably won’t be called before Easter; it’s the end of January now. However, I am working on the front line, so I will take it if they offer it to me. Before administering the vaccine, they ask a series of screening questions — allergies, are you well today, etc. — and one of them is, “Have you had a vaccination of any kind in the last seven days?”

I’ve arrived late for my shift at a site I haven’t visited before. I go to the check-in desk where patients go when they arrive to pick a fresh mask up before finding something to do.

I take a mask from a box on the table and indicate my hi-viz.

Me: “Thanks. I’m a volunteer; I have just arrived.”

Admin: “Great, just take a seat there.”

I sit in front of a nurse, thinking she is going to deploy me.

Nurse: “What’s your date of birth and NHS number?”

Me: “What’s happening here?!”

Nurse: “Don’t worry; I’m not going to give you an injection.”

Phew! She asks a few more questions and I see where this is going. 

Me: “You are not going to give me an injection, but after this, someone else will?”

Nurse: “That’s right.”

Me: “I had the [Company #1] vaccine on the eighth.”

Nurse: “That’s fine; it’s more than seven days ago.”

Me: “What vaccine are you using today?”

Nurse: “[Company #2].”

Me: “But I had the [Company #1]!”

It took a few more moments to work it out. It had been a long day, and she had asked these questions a lot. There was much laughter as the people nearby had wondered why I kept saying [Company #1]! If I had been at the end of my shift and as much on autopilot as she was, I might have been an n=1 study of the effects of mixing two vaccines.

I guess it’s a reminder to own your own healthcare.

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