I’d Like To Report Myself

, , , , , , | | Legal | June 2, 2019

I was driving along a stretch of road in the middle of the countryside quite late at night when a deer jumped in front of the car. Because the roads were narrow, I was run off the road and into a ditch.

The car wasn’t damaged, but I couldn’t get it out of the ditch on my own.

I called an emergency tow truck to come out and help pull my car from the verge. Then I called my dad.

I didn’t have to wait long for the tow truck to arrive, but the problem was getting my car out. There we were, stuck on the side of the road for ages, his orange lights flashing, my car stuck in a ditch in the pitch black. I think we were there for two hours.

The tow driver advised me to call and file a report with the police, “just in case,” as driving from the scene of an accident is a crime. I did as he advised, but the police station assured me that I didn’t need to come in as no other car was in the accident with me. I tried to make a report but was told I didn’t need to.

Just as dawn started to break, my car was out of the ditch and at the mechanics getting looked over. I promptly went to bed, exhausted and about £350 poorer, when someone knocked on my door.

It was the police.

Apparently, they had gotten a report from someone that I had driven away from an accident.

No one had seen my car or driven past on that dead stretch of road in the entire time I was there and there were no cars around for miles. I was justifiably confused.

I informed them of what the station had said when I phoned — that I was on my own, that no other cars were involved, and that I was at the scene of the accident for three hours total before I did drive away. I also informed them I was advised that I didn’t need to make a report as no crimes had been committed.

The officers phoned into the station. It turned out the “report” of me leaving the scene of the crime was my phone call, trying to report the accident.

I wasn’t charged and the officers left, slightly confused.

There’s A Special Circle Of Hell Reserved For Him

, , , , , | | Right | May 31, 2019

(I work in a bookshop where we have two large windows at the front. We create really elaborate window displays, all instructions passed down from corporate. People will often ask for things out of the window, even if they are on display in the store. One day, a middle-aged man marches in and points to the window.)

Customer: “I want the book in the bottom corner of the window. Get it for me now!”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t get you that specific book, as it’s at the foot of the tower, but I have plenty in the stockroom. I’ll go get one now.”

(I walk away and go into the back to find the customer’s book. It’s a huge hardback of Dante’s “Inferno” with all the pictures, so whilst we have one on the shop floor, it’s a display model. Even if it wasn’t at the bottom of the pile, I have to go to the back for a real copy, anyway. I take two minutes max. We are not a big shop. When I get back, the customer is nowhere to be seen.)

Me: “Hey! [Coworker], have you seen the guy that wanted the illustrated Dante?”

Coworker: “He ran out of here like his a*** was on fire! I have no idea why!”

(Like his a*** was on fire? Close. What had actually happened was that he had tried to squeeze into the small doorway to the window and snatch the book so he didn’t have to wait. He then knocked the entire tower into the HOT lights illuminating them. We didn’t notice until the entire display was in flames about five minutes later. The front of the shop was ruined and the bookshop had to close for six months.)

Radiating Stupidity

, , , , | | Right | May 30, 2019

(I’m the supervisor on a late shift when I’m called over by a new staff member. The customer in question has, in the past, tried to make out my staff to be liars, which is when I started giving the cold shoulder.)

Customer: “I’m not happy with [Company]’s service!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. May I ask a bit more about your problem?”

Customer: “I wanted an electric towel radiator! I’ve been to this store twice and to [Other Nearby Store] and I keep getting ones for central heating.”

(I grab a catalogue and flick to the page.)

Me: “Ma’am, these are our complete electric radiator kits; however, any towel radiator can be installed with a heating element and filled with either water or oil.”

Customer: “No one told me that! I’ve called my plumber three times and it’s cost me so much!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m not authorised to reimburse you for such things; I would suggest complaining to your plumber for not advising you about the heating elements.” *to colleague* “Has she been refunded?”

Colleague: “Yes.”

Customer: “Humph! Do not expect me back!”

Me: *after she’s gone* “With the amount this company makes, we can afford to lose one customer with no idea what she wants.”

Tampon, Tamp-off

, , , , , , , | | Working | May 30, 2019

I work in one of the largest supermarkets in the UK, delivering groceries to customers at home. Today I saw something that actually made me laugh out loud.

Our team of pickers is sent out onto the shop floor to pick the items that customers order. I see a new picker being trained. His next item to pick is a pack of tampons. He walks up the aisle with the supervisor training him, looking incredibly nervous. He finds the tampons, identifies which box to get, and then, using his scanner, he nudges the box around to scan the barcode before using the scanner to sweep it into the tray. Both the supervisor and I are giggling at the seven-year-old style reaction to women’s hygiene products.

That said, I’ve also seen a male customer taking in the shopping pick up a packet of pads and stare at it like an unexploded bomb before his wife just sighed, took it from his hands, and laid it on the countertop.

Do most guys seriously not get how periods work?

I Am Anti-Antibiotics

, , , , | | Healthy | May 30, 2019

(After I get back from my vacation, I get a bad UTI infection and need antibiotics from my General Practitioner. I am prescribed a course and everything is good until the evening. My entire body randomly breaks out in spots — big, red, blotchy patches. It feels like ants are crawling over my entire body. At around three am, I go to the urgent care centre and the out-of-hours GP calls me through.)

Me: “I have this rash. It hurts so much. It started after I started taking the penicillin this morning. I’ve never been allergic before but my mum and grandma are—“

GP: “I’ll stop you there. This is clearly eczema.”

Me: “I don’t think so. My chest really hurts, too.”

GP: “Definitely eczema. There isn’t much I can do.”

Me: “I don’t think it’s eczema. It’s come on really suddenly.”

(I’m struggling to breathe and the rash has spread up my neck and throat.)

GP: “Stop being a baby! My niece has diabetes and she’s never moaned as much as you have right now!”

(I excuse myself and stumble back to the waiting room. My mum is there and manages to catch me as I collapse on the floor. She calls for an ambulance and the doctor comes back out.)

GP: “You can’t sleep here!”

Mum: “She can’t breathe, you idiot!”

(The ambulance came and I was given an adrenaline shot and rushed into the main section of the hospital. I was right. It was anaphylaxis. I was having an allergic reaction to penicillin.)

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