I have this customer who is always miserable and will find fault in the customer service no matter what you do. This came to its ridiculous peak when I finished a transaction and said:

Me: “Thanks, and have a nice day!”

Customer: *Scowling* “Don’t you tell me to have a nice day! Not everyone is capable of just having a nice day if they feel like it!”

From that point onward, I just gave up. I will just do as I do, and I’ll accept that they’ll never be happy.

A few days later, I had just finished serving them again.

Me: “Have a good one!”

Customer: *Snaps back* “A good one of what?”

Me: “A good one of whatever you’d like! Next customer, please!”

This story reminded me of a story my granddad tells of his brief time as a college lecturer. 

Granddad worked for the same bank for his entire career, working his way up in seniority. When my grandma got sick, he decided that he wanted to spend more time looking after her, so he changed jobs and took up a part-time lecturing role at a college, teaching about banking and accounting.

Part of Granddad’s duties as a lecturer involved setting and marking the final exam based on the content he’d taught during the year. As an inherently fair person, he made sure that everything he asked on the test had been covered at some point in his classes, although that also included tangential subjects that weren’t strictly part of the curriculum but had been discussed anyway. 

Once he’d completed the marking, he was called into the boss’s office during moderation.

Boss: “Now then, [Granddad]. I see that you’ve awarded [Student] full marks on his final exam?”

Granddad: “Yes, that’s right. [Student] has worked very hard this year, and it’s paid off. He answered every question correctly and provided a high level of justification, showing that he also understands why he got the right answers.”

Boss: “Well, okay. But we never give 100% to anyone. That suggests that their answers were perfect and there’s nothing they could do better.”

Granddad: “Yes, that’s what I’m saying. [Student] has done everything flawlessly. If he were my employee in the bank, I’d give him a bonus for exceeding expectations.”

Boss: “No, no, no, you don’t understand. We never give anyone 100%. The highest score we ever award is 97%. You need to change your mark to give [Student] 97%. It’s still an excellent score, and it won’t affect his overall grade.”

Granddad: “But it’s not true! [Student] achieved a perfect score! He couldn’t have done anything more unless he’d taught the course himself! I will not punish that. If your marking system only goes up to 97%, then you’re telling me that 97% is actually 100% which, as a bank manager, I can tell you doesn’t make any mathematical sense! [Student] will receive full marks for his assessment because that’s what he deserves.” 

The student kept his perfect score. Granddad went back to the bank shortly after this exchange. He decided that academia wasn’t for him.

Related:
That’s One Ten-se Review

I’m a cook in a small bar/pub. It’s typical pub food, mostly grilling and microwaving frozen food. One day, one of the bar staff asks one of the kitchen staff to come to the bar to answer a customer’s questions. I go through and have this conversation.

Me: “Good evening, how can I help?“

Customer: “What’s in the [special chicken burger]?“

Me: *Gesturing to the menu in her hands* “Let me show you: breaded chicken, bacon, onion rings, salad, and a brioche bun. We can change things to fit dietary requirements or preferences.“

Customer: *Rolling her eyes* “Yes, I can read, thank you. I mean is the breaded patty gluten-free?“

Me: “I don’t believe so; I can go and double-check with the food bible to make sure, though.“

Customer: “…the what? Food bible?“

Me: “Oh, yes, it’s what we use to double-check information about each item on the menu.”

Customer: “And you call it a bible?“

Me: “Yes?“

Customer: *Slamming her menu down on the table* “I will not be eating here around such blasphemers, thank you. You and your chicken burger can rot in Hell.“

She stormed off, leaving me and the bartender looking at each other and the other customers staring at us. I checked later with my supervisor, and I didn’t get into any trouble for the interaction. It was just a very odd conversation.

My company has a joint venture with an American company; we make the parts from sub-components they provide. It’s sold in Europe as [UK Brand] and in America as [American Brand]. It works well and is probably good for both businesses. Plus, it gives opportunities for both sides to work in other countries.

In fact, we have an American guy working with us. He seems like a decent guy, if a little overly patriotic, and he has had a few culture shocks since he’s been here.

American: “Hey, I watched your version of The Office. I gotta tell you, man… Sheesh.”

Me: “Oh, yeah. I can’t stand it.”

American: “The US one is way better.”

Me: “Yep.”

American: “That guy that plays Michael… I mean, he’s just not funny.”

Me: “I agree — can’t stand him.”

American: “I mean, if you want funny…”

Me: “Mate, I’m agreeing with you.”

American: “You are? Oh, I figured you would like the UK version.”

Me: “You realise that just because there’s a British version, we don’t automatically like that one more?”

American: “You don’t? Man, you guys are weird. No wonder America is winning.”

Me: “Winning?! Winning what?”

American: “You know, winning. Number one!”

I didn’t press the subject, and I’m not sure he had an answer. He stayed for six months total. To be fair, the team missed him when he went.

We have this obnoxious guy in the office who ticks off so many annoying boxes. He thinks he’s God’s gift to women, he’s loud and crass with all his achievements (both work- and non-work-related), and he likes to boast about things that are obviously fake or impossible. “Oh, some kid finally beat Tetris? Pfft! I did that when I was a kid on my first try!”

I’ve come back from a week’s annual leave, and he passes me by.

Obnoxious Coworker: “Oh, you’re back. You couldn’t even get a decent tan when you were away?”

Me: “Well, it’s hard to get a tan when you’ve been indoors all week.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “What a waste of a holiday to be indoors!”

Me: “It wasn’t really a holiday, more of a competition. I was competing in a Judo tournament.”

Obnoxious Coworker: *Snorts* “Hah! Whatever.”

Me: “I placed third.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “You’re havin’ me on!”

Me: “I assure you I’m not.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “A skinny twig like you does Judo?”

Me: “I do Judo because I’m a skinny twig. It’s great for figuring out how to take down stronger and larger opponents.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “I bet I could still take you on with an arm behind my back.”

Me: “I doubt that.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “Oh, yeah? Come on, then. Come at me!”

Me: “I’m not going to do that.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “That’s what I thought.”

Me: “It’s not that. I don’t want to be at the center of a Human Resources incident where I caused you any injury—”

Obnoxious Coworker: “Come on! Don’t be a p***y! Come at me! I dare ya!”

Me: “You dare me? What are you, eleven?”

Obnoxious Coworker: “Come at me!”

In his excitement, he actually comes at me! Instead of trying to make a display, I simply slide to the side, using my foot to easily trip him up. Honestly, it isn’t even a Judo move, just a simple tripping up. He falls to the ground, more embarrassed than hurt. He glares at me and storms off, but he is literally back a minute later with one of the managers, who is also an HR manager. This manager has been having a coffee in the breakroom — in full view of our encounter, I might add.

Obnoxious Coworker: “Well! You saw him trip me up on purpose, didn’t you?”

HR: “I saw you fall.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “Because he tripped me!”

HR: “Well… you did dare him.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “This is ridiculous!” *Storms off*

Me: “So, I’m good?”

HR: “You’re good. Try to resist the urge to ‘Judo Chop’ him if you can.”

Me: “That’s gonna be a struggle…”

Thankfully, [Obnoxious Coworker] ignored me for the rest of the day. Bliss!