My friend, a couple of years younger than me, has just turned eighteen. Our group does what we always do when they turn eighteen; we take them to the pub and congratulate them on buying their first legal pint.

The next morning, I’m talking to my friend on the phone.

Friend: “I think I’m allergic to alcohol!”

Me: “What makes you say that?”

Friend: “When I went home after the pub yesterday, I threw up!”

Me: “Well, I only stayed for the one pint. Did you drink any more after I left?”

Friend: “Yeah… ten or eleven.”

Me: “…”

Friend: “You there?”

Me: “Mate, I don’t think you’re allergic to alcohol, I think you’re just stupid.”

That was a few years ago now, and he’s never had more than one pint per occasion ever since!

Our local pub has been closed for half a year as it’s connected to a larger building that had to undergo massive renovations to remove and replace all flammable materials. As a result, the original owners sold it and retired.

The new owners have just opened it, and we walk back in after half a year, worried it might have changed too much from the quirky and fun little pub we’ve been going to for years.

As soon as we walk in, we see a sign behind the bar, showing a squirrel smoking a cigarette.

Sign: “Cigarettes are like squirrels. They are perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire. NO SMOKING.”

Friend: “I think we don’t have anything to worry about.”

We didn’t! The pub was just as fun and quirky as it had always been!

I work in a local village pub. One of the lads has just turned eighteen and walks into the place proudly, ready to order his first pint.

Customer: “I’ll have a beer!”

Me: “Congrats! Which one?”

Customer: “Which what?”

Me: “Which… beer?”

Customer: “Oh, there’s more than one?”

I’m in a pub with some friends. London, being the multicultural hub that it is, means that our group consists of people from all over the world.

Me: “I’m surprised we don’t have any more Americans in our group.”

Friend: “They’d only get lost anyway.”

Me: “Hey! I’m an American, and I get around pretty well.”

Friend: “An American once asked me where I was from. I told him Croatia, and he looked very puzzled and asked me, ‘Where’s Croatia?'”

Me: “I mean, that’s not too bad. Not everyone knows where every country is.”

Friend: “This was asked of me while we were in Dubrovnik, a city in Croatia.”

Me: “Oh… never mind, then.”

Half the town got hit with a power cut in the middle of the day. I was in the pub where my wife works when the power went out. The lights went off, but the large windows allowed enough light; it was still gloomy.

Everyone at the bar was told that, since the power was out, it was cash only and they’d write everything down to put in the system once power returned. 

A man walks in and orders a couple of drinks. He was told cash only and said that was fine. Got his drinks and held out his bankcard.

Wife: “Sorry, it’s cash only due to the power cut.”

Customer: “Well, I only have card.”

Wife: “Again, I’m sorry, but I did say at the start that there’s a power cut.”

Customer: “Just use your till.”

Wife: “It requires electricity, so we can’t.”

Customer: “Not my problem. So, what are you going to do?”

He didn’t get his drinks. He still didn’t seem to understand as he left. And unfortunately, he was the first of many, many customers who tried to use card despite being told cash only. 

When the power came back two hours later, everyone rushed to get served.

CORRECTION: A typo has been fixed.