Can’t Vouch For The Existence Of Their Voucher… Or Their Brain

, , , , | Right | July 3, 2018

(Many of our overnight guests book online using a wide assortment of deals and vouchers. Some deals include a free meal or bottle of wine. This happens far too often.)

Customer: “I’d like to check out, please.”

Me: “Sure. Was everything all right during your stay?”

Customer: “Yes, we had a lovely time. The only gripe is that we didn’t get our free bottle of wine.”

Me: “Oh, dear, I am sorry. Did the person serving you not take your voucher?”

Customer: “Oh, no, we didn’t give her our voucher.”

Me: “I’m sorry… You didn’t present your voucher?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Did you ask the waitress for it when ordering your meal?”

Customer: “No! I already told you! I’ll be writing about this on [Hotel Review Website], I’m afraid! You can’t just not give people the free stuff they’re entitled to!”

Me: “So, just so I have this straight: you didn’t tell anyone that you were supposed to get a free bottle of wine, and you’re unhappy because you didn’t get a free bottle of wine?”

(Even now that I have written, “Please present all vouchers at the bar,” in large letters on the boards around the pub, it still happens. I fear for humanity sometimes!)

When Life Gives You Lemonade… Twice

, , , , , | Working | June 7, 2018

(I’m out with a large group of friends to celebrate the end of the uni year. I’m at the bar attempting to get a soft drink, but I only have a small amount of cash on me.)

Bartender: “Hi, what can I get you?”

Me: “Hi, how much are your soft drinks?”

Bartender: “What kind?”

Me: “Lemonade.”

Bartender: “I’ll go and check.”

(I chat to my friends while the bartender is gone. She eventually returns with TWO glasses of lemonade.)

Bartender: “That’s $6, please.”

Me: *thinking only one is for me* “You made that non-alcoholic, right?”

Bartender: “Of course. They’re $3 each!”

Me: “But I only wanted one.”

Bartender: “No, you didn’t; you asked for two.”

Me: “Actually, I asked you how much they were.”

Bartender: *with attitude* “Oh. Well, you said two, but that’s fine, I guess.”

(I paid my $3 and enjoyed my lemonade! I’m still not sure whether the girl was trying to trick me or was just having a long day.)

Not Cut Out For This

, , , , , | Right | May 30, 2018

(It is evening shift in a pub, and in comes in a busy gent, around his 30s, constantly talking on the phone, and half-glancing at a match on TV. He orders beer, and fish and chips.)

Me: “Your fish and chips, sir!”

(He struggles with his phone, trying to fix it against his shoulder, and finally, obviously having trouble to balance it while also cutting the fish and eating, looks at me and goes:)

Guest: “Do I have to cut it myself, too?”

Me: *pause* “Yes.”


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A Positive Sign

, , , , | Hopeless | May 7, 2018

(Minneapolis has an annual zombie pub crawl. There’s 10,000 people in attendance and there’s drunken chaos everywhere. It’s late in the night and I’m quite drunk myself. I am trying to get some water from a very tired bartender.)

Me: *yelling* “Can I get a water, please?”

Bartender: “What?!”

(I try several more times, and the combination of my current state and the noise makes her unable to hear me, so I do the only thing that makes sense at the time.)

Me: *in sign language* “Can I have a water, please?”

Bartender: *jumps excitedly, nods and grabs me a water*

Me: *signing and matching her excitement* “You know sign language?”

Bartender: *signing* “Yeah, my grandma is deaf. Have a good night!”

Me: *signing and giving her my last $5* “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”

Good Listening Skills Are Rare To Medium Rare

, , , , | Right | May 7, 2018

(While taking a food order for a really lovely table, one of them has trouble paying attention.)

Customer: “Can I get the rump steak?”

Me: “Of course! How would you like that cooked?”

Customer: “Oh, can I get it with chips?”

Me: “Yeah, sure. Not a problem. How do you like it cooked? Medium? Rare?”

Customer: “It comes with mushrooms? Can I get it without?”

Me: “Yes, definitely. No worries. How would you like your meat done?”

Customer: “And pepper sauce. Is that okay?”

Me: “Absolutely, not a problem. Now, how do you take your steak?”

Customer: *blank look*

(As I’m trying to find a different way of asking one of his friends chimed in:)

Friend: “[Customer]! For God’s sake! How the hell do you want your steak done? The lassie’s only asked you four times!”

(Cue laughter from the rest of the table and the poor chap getting teased, “Did you hear that, [Customer]?!” for the rest of the night!)

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