He Had It Coming…

, , , | Friendly | March 9, 2018

(I am at a gay gaming meetup in a bar. Our group’s conversation topics vary wildly.)

Me: “You’ve seen Cabaret, right?”

Friend: “I’ve seen the Catherine Zeta-Jones movie!”

Me: “Ugh. I am going to share this online.”

Friend: “I don’t even care that you’re posting that. Getting it wrong makes me seem super masculine!”

Me: “You mistook Cabaret for Chicago…”

Normal Operating Procedure Has Been Tabled

, , , , , , | Working | January 30, 2018

(Our friend hasn’t had any supper, so we stop in a pub for something to eat. We find the ground floor full but notice there’s an upstairs dining area. We all head up there, and find a waitress at the door.)

Waitress: “This is for diners only.”

Friend: “Yeah, we’d like to eat.”

Waitress: “There’s a ten minute wait on tables.”

(We look behind her. There are 20 tables in the room. Ten of them are occupied.)

Friend: “Who are we waiting for?”

Waitress: “Pre-bookings.”

Me: “Okay… Let’s just find somewhere else.”

Waitress: “Wait. Um, I think I can squeeze you in.”

(She sits us down. We have a look at the menu, but come to a decision quickly. Unfortunately, she’s the only one there and it takes a while to get her attention.)

Friend: “Could we have a portion of chips, please?”

Waitress: “If you want chips, you have to go downstairs.”

(She storms off, while we have another look at the menu and bring her over again.)

Friend #2: “Can we have the fried chicken and chips, please?”

Waitress: “Not available.”

Friend #2: “Then we’ll need another look at the menu.”

Waitress: “Hurry up, then. This area closes in ten minutes and lots of people want this table.”

(There are now 15 empty tables.)

Friend: “That’s fine; I think we’ll go elsewhere.”

(I don’t know whether she was trying to get rid of us or if she honestly expected a big coach party to turn up in the next ten minutes.)

When You’re Planning On Dating Sheldon Cooper

, , , , , , , | Romantic | January 15, 2018

(I am sat next to my male colleague, who I’m quite good friends with. I’m female and have recently realised I’m bi. I am complaining to him about my new discovery that I am terrible at chatting up women, when I realise that he has a girlfriend and ask him for tips. Note that we’re both lawyers. We chat for a bit about what he used to do and then…)

Colleague: “I think now… Okay, so, I guess if it was now, you’d want to just talk to her. And then you agree that it’s exclusive, so you know the terms you stand on.”

Me: “Are you suggesting I make her sign an exclusivity agreement?”

Colleague: “Bring it on the first date.”

Me: “That’ll go down well.”

Colleague: “Make sure you include all the relevant warranties.”

Me: “To the best of my knowledge and belief, I am not dating anyone else?”

Colleague: “Schedule five contains a list of all former relationships.”

Me: “A list of all ex-lovers who might want to kill me.”

Colleague: “Let’s go for material relationships; that’ll do it.”

Me: “Do I stick indemnities in there, as well? Like, in the event of a break up, you will indemnify me for the cost of all gifts over a certain amount?”

Colleague: “Couldn’t hurt. You see, this will be very romantic.”

Me: “Yup. Do we have to give notice to terminate?”

Colleague: “No, we’ll go for at-will.”

Me: “Very American. Also sensible.”

Colleague: “Oh, but in the event of a material breach…”

Me: “You have to remedy within ten days?”

Colleague: “Yes!”

Me: “You know, when I asked you for help, I wasn’t expecting you to advise I bring a 100-page legal document with me.”

Colleague: “Well, it could just be heads of terms. So, not binding.”

Me: “Like a lesser version of a prenup?”

Colleague: “If you keep adding terms, though, you know what it’ll be?”

Me: “…what?”

Colleague: “A relationship agreement!”

Me: “…”

Colleague: “What?”

Me: “That’s terrible.”

Colleague: “It’s true, though. It’s an agreement that governs the relationship between two parties. A relationship agreement!”

Me: “This is the last time I ask you for advice on dating.”

(For the record, the other lawyers sitting around us slowly edged away during this conversation…)

 

Related:

Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 15

Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 14

Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 13

Expecting A Big Fat Apology

, , , , , , , | Related | January 12, 2018

(I’ve recently returned home to New Zealand from overseas travel. I worked in the UK in a pub for over a year and picked up heaps of skills and experience from the job. Now that I’m back home, I need to get a new job to get myself back on my feet. I’ve always had an ability to pull off job interviews well. Now, I’m a chunky girl, but not heinously overweight, and I carry myself well.)

Me: “I saw [Pub] has a sign out looking for staff, so I’m going to go drop CVs in and around them today.”

Mum: “Oh, no, you’re way too fat to work there. I’ve only seen skinny girls working at [Pub]. There’s no way they’ll hire you!”

(Understandably, I am upset, though not surprised as my mum has a massive hang up on my size and is constantly on at me. So, in spite, I apply, and I get called back the same afternoon. After a long, friendly, chatty interview with the manager I get offered the job on the spot. I head home, incredibly chuffed that I’ve not only got a job, but that it’s at the place I was deemed “too fat” to work at by my mum. As I walk through the door, Mum asks where I handed out my CVs today and I tell her, leaving [Pub] till last.)

Mum: “Oh, yeah, and have you heard anything back?”

Me: “Oh, I probably should have started with this, but yeah. I got a new job; I start tomorrow night.”

Mum: “Wow, really? Where?”

Me: “[Pub].”

(Needless to say, her face showed mixed emotions: pissed that I proved her wrong, but ultimately pleased that I was employed.)

Going Crazy One Half-Pint At A Time

, , , , | Right | September 17, 2017

(We have a fairly strict policy about not serving drunk people. One tactic we have in place is a blanket ban on groups; i.e., if one person is unfit for us to serve, we knock back the whole group until the drunk person leaves. On Sunday, two drunk guys come in, so I say, very nicely:)

Me: “Sorry, chaps, not tonight. Another night perhaps, but not tonight.”

(They take it fine, but one of them tries to get my colleague to serve them. He says no, obviously, so the shorter of the two guys heads over to me.)

Man: “So, how come you’re saying no?”

Me: “Truthfully, you’re friend looks really unsteady on his feet, and he’s clearly slurring his speech, but as you came in together, it’s our policy to refuse the group. It’s not personal, but it’s not something I’m going to change.”

(He seems to think that was fair enough, but keeps asking for just a drink for him, asking me to explain myself again, and telling me that it is just his friend, not him. I am polite and firm, but am getting tired of this discussion.)

Man: “Besides, he’s only had three pints!”

Me: “Only three pints? All that proves is that your friend can’t drink, if that’s the state of him after three pints!”

(Luckily, he found it funny that I was making fun of his friend, shook my hand, and left. Not my most professional moment, but it worked!)

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