My friend and I were solving a puzzle. We had to name famous directors.
Me: “I found this one. James Cameron.”
Friend: *Frowning.* “Never heard of him. He probably made films with a lot of bombings and shootings, which I don’t watch.”
Me: “Yes, you do know him. He made that movie… heh, that movie with the blue people…”
Friend: *With a large smile.* “Oh, he directed The Smurfs?”
Yes, she knew I meant ‘Avatar’.
Related:
A Titanic Misunderstanding
I’m washing my hands in the ladies, when I hear a conversation coming from three girls in one toilet cubicle each.
Girl #1: “I’m sick of the meaningless sex. I just want to be cuddled, you know?!”
Girl #2: “Aww, yeah!”
Girl #3: “Then stop putting out on the first date, Helen!”
There is a moment of gasping when another voice comes from cubicle four.
Girl #4: “Ha ha, Helen f***s!”
Girl #1: “Who the f*** is that?”
Girl #4: “The girl who had to listen to you three brain-dead gobs***es while I’ve been trying to have a dump!”
Girl #2: “Eww, who actually does a poo in a club?!”
Girl #4: “Someone who knows how not to put out on the first date!”
Girl #1: “This b**** gonna die!”
All the girls come out at the same time, murder in their eyes. My handwashing has progressed far beyond what’s required for cleanliness, but I guess you can’t be too clean.
Girl #1: “Who the f***—”
Girl #4: “—Oh my god! Sharon?!”
Girl #1: “Chantelle?!”
They all squeal and hug.
Girl #4: “Darlin’, I didn’t know it was you! You put out as much as you like, love! Wait, why did they call you Helen?”
Girl #1: “Helen is my loo name! You know, for when you gotta talk to the girls and stay on the downlow.”
Girl #4: “Well, it f****** works!”
They all laugh, wash their hands (thank God), and head out into the bar together.
I was washing my hands for another few seconds, thinking what my ‘loo name’ should be.
Our pub is having its weekly pub quiz. The quizmaster is casting questions onto the TV, and the teams buzz in. The question appears:
Question: “What is the largest dessert in the world?”
I work the bar, so I don’t really pay attention much to the quiz, since I’m serving drinks, but I do a double-take at the question. The quizmaster really did spell it ‘dessert.’
Team #1: *Buzzing in.* “The Sahara!”
Quizmaster: “Nope.”
Team #2: *Buzzing in.* “Antarctica!”
Quizmaster: “Nope.”
Team #2: “Yes, it is! The largest desert in the world is Antarctica, using all definitions of the word desert.”
Quizmaster: “That’s not the answer I have here.”
Team #2: *Indignant.* “Well, what is it then?!”
Quizmaster: “The largest dessert ever made was a Dairy Queen soft-serve weighing in at 8,260.85 lbs, created by Dairy Queen in Springfield, Massachusetts, back in 2005.”
All the teams reread the question, and several gasps of laughter can be heard.
Quizmaster: “Read the questions carefully, people!”
Team #2: “Technically, if you added a little syrup to Antarctica, it would be the world’s largest ice lolly (popsicle).”
The quizmaster gave them the point.
A customer comes in with her young daughter.
Customer: “A [Beer] for me and a Coke for my daughter. Can you please add some sugar to it?”
To check I had heard correctly, I ask:
Me: “You want to put extra sugar in your kid’s Coke?!”
Customer: “Yeah, the sugar stops it from being fizzy, and fizzy drinks are bad for kids.”
Related:
Flat Out Wrong
I’m a trained chef working in a pub kitchen. Our manager, who used to work in finance, has a habit of acting like he knows more about cooking than I do.
One Sunday afternoon, he leans over my shoulder as I plate up. This is after a heated discussion earlier, where I had told him to stop adding extra ingredients to my Sunday roast gravy.
Manager: “You know, my brother’s a head chef. I probably know as much as you.”
I put down the spoon and turn to him.
Me: “And you think you’ve absorbed his entire knowledge just by sharing a Sunday roast at your mum’s, right?”
Before he can answer, my coworker pipes up from the other side of the kitchen.
Coworker: “You know, my brother is an accountant, but you really don’t want me doing your taxes, I promise!”
He left the gravy alone after that.
