His Race Card Has Expired

| UK | Working | October 20, 2015

(I’m working at a pub near to my home over the summer holidays. Against the odds, I ended up having to serve my former childhood bully the previous day. The next day I am called into the office by the manager.)

Manager: “I’ve had a very serious complaint about you. I feel like I know you, so I thought I’d ask for your side of the story before it goes anywhere. A customer yesterday alleges you racially abused him.”

(It takes a moment for me to put the pieces together.)

Me: “Would the complaint be from [Bully], by any chance?”

Manager: “Err…”

Me: “He tried to get me thrown out of school, too. And my brother thrown out of scouts. He’s got a few issues.”

Manager: “Umm…”

Me: “Would a character witness help?”

(I go down to the bar, where a former classmate is working. While my manager is out of sight but within earshot I ask:)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], remember [Bully]?”

Coworker: “Oh, that little s***? Threw a chair at you, slammed a window on your head, then claimed racism when you complained to the teacher?”

Me: “That’s the one.” *I turn to the still-hidden manager* “That wasn’t even the worst of it.”

Manager: “Enough said. If he comes back, tell him to get lost.”

(I love my manager.)

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Eighteen By A Hair

| Lancashire, England, UK | Right | July 23, 2015

(Two boys who are not obviously over 18 come to the bar. By the time I reach them one of them already has his passport out.)

Me: “Hi there! What can I get for you?”

Boy #1: “Can I get a Carling and a Dark Fruits?”

Me: “Sure, can I just see that ID?”

(Boy #1 hands me his ID and is barely over 18.)

Me: “Awesome, thanks!” *to Boy #2* “Can I see yours as well?”

Boy #2: “I don’t have it…”

Boy #1: “He’s my brother! We have the same birthday!”

Me: “Okay…”

Boy #1: “Honestly, we’re twins!”

(I look from the tall, red-haired boy to the much shorter, brown-haired boy, who doesn’t look related to him in the slightest.)

Me: “Yeah… I’m still going to need to see some ID, please.”

Boy #2: *dejectedly* “It’s the hair, isn’t it?”

Love Is Just A Game To Them

| London, England, UK | Friendly | April 12, 2015

(I have recently met up with a close friend who I haven’t seen for years. She’s female and despite the fact that she has a boyfriend everyone who knows us seems to think we are seeing each other. During conversation Friend #2 chips in:)

Friend #2: “Well, I don’t get why you two don’t date. I mean you are perfect for each other!”

Me: “Erm, dude, we’ve been over this. I’m just not attracted to Friend#1.”

Friend#1: *playing* “Oh, so I’m ugly, is that it? Is that why you never look my way?”

Me: *playing along* “No… Uh, that’s so not what I was trying to say. It’s just that I don’t find your personality attractive.”

Friend #1: “So I’m just a boring person, then… FINE! I hate you, too!”

Me: “You know… I often wonder if I am in love with you because you always leave me tongue-tied and feeling self-conscious. It must be love!”

Friend #1: “So, you finally admit your feelings? Well. it’s too late I’m with [Boyfriend] now. I don’t think we can ever talk again. Goodbye!”

(She promptly leaves the table and walks out the door of the pub.)

Friend #2: “Rejected… Ouch. Sorry, man.”

Me: “Nope, it’s all good. I reckon I will see her again in about …three …two …one.”

(Friend #1 walks back into the pub throws herself into my arms declares her undying love for me and asks to elope with me.)

Friend #2: “You guys are just f****** with me, aren’t you?”

Their IQ Is Below Zero

| Portsmouth, England, UK | Right | November 13, 2014

(Whilst taking a customer’s cocktail order on a Friday night:)

Customer: “Is your ice fresh or frozen?”

A Lack Of Volume Control

| Cumbria, England, UK | Right | July 15, 2014

Customer: “I’d like a pint and a half of lager and a bitter shandy.”

Me: “A pint or a half?”

(Customer looks confused.)

Me: “Of bitter shandy?”

Customer: “A pint and a half.”

Me: “Of the lager?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “And would you like a pint or a half of the bitter shandy?”

Customer: “No, a pint and a half of lager and a bitter shandy.”

Me: “And would you like a pint or a half of bitter shandy?”

Customer: “No, I want a pint and a half of…” *pauses* “Oh, yeah a half of bitter shandy, please.

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