(I started my shift a few hours ago but I have just started my shift on till cover this afternoon. It has been a long day, but I am still quite upbeat. I have a customer come to the till and do a normal transaction. We have an offer on tote bags, so I have to offer to every customer.)

Me: “That’s going to be [total].”

(I give our usual spiel, something along the lines of, “Can I offer you one of our tote bags today? Great prices.”)

Customer: “Oh, do your tote bags give you cancer?”

Me: “Uh… No.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. No, thank you.”

(I lost faith in humanity.)

(My friend is 16, with a specific bank account which does not allow card transactions or payments over £250. She rarely uses the account, and has about £100 sitting in there. She gets a rather nasty letter from the bank one day, stating she’s £900 overdrawn and will incur high fees with it potentially going to court. She’s extremely upset. I go with to the bank to try to get it sorted; I’m only a little bit older, but I look like I’m in my early 20s and people genuinely listen to me more because of it.)

Friend: *to the bank teller* “I want to know how I’m £900 overdrawn.”

Bank Teller: *condescendingly* “When you buy something, it uses money from your account. You have to make sure you have enough in there, or you owe us money.”

Friend: “But I didn’t buy anything.”

Bank Teller: “Well, you obviously did.”

Friend: “But I didn’t! I had £100 in it a couple of days ago.”

Bank Teller: “Which you obviously spent, and then some; otherwise, you wouldn’t be overdrawn. Get lost so I can do my job.”

(I step in.)

Me: “This is your job. Your client has stated that there is an unknown transaction, which means there’s possibly fraud involved. You have to look into it.”

(My mum works in banking, so I know that if I mention fraud, the teller has to look into the account. The teller scowls at me, but brings up the account.)

Bank Teller: “On [date a couple of days ago], there was a transaction of £1,000. Is this transaction familiar?”

Friend: “No!”

Bank Teller: “You’re a liar.”

Friend: “I’m not; my bank account doesn’t allow transactions over £250.”

Bank Teller: “Well, obviously it does, as you did.”

Me: “She has your student account, meaning it’s a cash-only card. Cash-only cards can only be used for taking money out, and you can only take out £250 a day. It has also been set up so you can only do payments of £250 via bank transfer. Who’s the money to?”

Bank Teller: “Erm… [Real Estate Company].”

Me: “It’s a deposit for a house?”

Bank Teller: *now looking sheepish* “Yes?”

Me: “Do you really think a 16-year-old is putting a deposit on a house?”

Bank Teller: “Well… She could.”

Me: “Not with a student account that has only had a £100 in it from when it was first opened, they don’t. How would she pass the credit checks, firstly?” *to my friend* “[Friend], we probably should also contact [Real Estate Company], as I reckon it’s their error, or a digit in the wrong place.” *to the teller* “You need to get the £1,000 refunded and make sure the overdraft fees are taken off, and you also need to issue some kind of statement of apology explaining how you could let a thousand-pound transaction go through on an account without £1,000 in it, and why my friend shouldn’t just cancel her account with you, period. You also need to apologise to her personally for being so bloody rude.”

Bank Teller: *meekly* “I’m very sorry. I’ll get this refunded and make sure any fees are removed. I’ll talk to my manager, too.”

(We did also contact the real estate company, who were extremely apologetic for the account error. They gave my friend £500 for the inconvenience! The bank also contacted her, putting £100 in her account as an apology for letting the transaction go through and for the nasty letter.)

(My job is creating personalized gifts for people. To do this, I have to exchange details over email. This customer has order a picture frame and added what they want on it, but they have failed to tell me which way round they want the frame. The conversation goes like this:)

Me: “Thank you for your order. I just need you to tell me the orientation you would like your frame.”

Customer: “I don’t understand.”

Me: “Sorry, are you wanting it landscape or portrait?”

Customer: “I need it the long way.”

Me: *facepalm*

(I return to my desk after lunch to see it in a bit of a mess. Only after putting a few things away do I notice something amiss.)

Me: “Did someone take something from my desk?”

Coworker #1: “Oh, yeah, it was [Coworker #2]. What did he take?”

Me: “My sauce. I can’t believe he would do that. Actually, I can.”

Coworker #1: “It is only some sauce, buddy. Calm down.”

Me: “Look. You know me. I don’t mind sharing; it just annoys me when people take without asking, especially when I buy stuff specially.”

(As we are talking, another coworker comes back off his lunch.)

Coworker #3: [Coworker #2] is having some fun!”

Coworker: “Why? What’s he doing?”

Coworker #3: “Throwing up in the toilets; something he ate.”

Me: “Serves him right. I had to buy that sauce online, it was so hot. I only use a drop at a time.”

(He ended up taking the day off, unpaid. He never took anything from me again.)

(Where I work, customers can place orders for items in-store and opt for either free home delivery or delivery to the store. If the latter is chosen, we take down their details and phone them when their orders arrive. On this particular day, I have to call up a regular customer who is known for being a little bit strange.)

Me: “Good afternoon. [My Name] speaking. I’m calling from [Store], just to let you know that your items have been delivered and are ready to be collected.”

Customer: “[My Name]?”

Me: “Yes, that’s correct.”

Customer: “Oh, [My Name], that’s great! Here, I’ve got someone here who really wants to talk to you.

(For a few moments, I’m baffled, wondering if I’ve heard him correctly. Before I can say another word, I hear a young child on the other end. Note that I’ve only met and served this customer in person twice, and never seen him around with his kids before.)

Customer’s Child: “Hello?”

Me: “Um… Hello.”

Customer’s Child: “Mummy?”

Customer: *in the background* “No, baby, it’s [My Name] from the movie shop. Say hello!”

Customer’s Child: “Hello, [My Name]!”

Me: “Um… Hi.”

Customer’s Child: “Are we coming to get our DVDs today?”

Me: “That’s why I’ve called, yes. Your DVDs are all ready to be collected.”

(The child then launches into a long-winded tale of what her morning has been like, what she’s eaten for breakfast, what their plans for the day are, what’s currently on television, etc. I’m at a complete loss for words and silently look to my manager for help, who just stares at me quizzically, as these calls should usually only take about a minute, max.)

Me: “Uh… Okay. Could you put your dad back on for me, please?”

Customer’s Child: “BYEEEEE!”

Customer: “Hiya, me again. Bless you. You said something about a delivery.”

Me: “Yes… Your, uh, your items.”

Customer: “Awesome, we’ll pop in this afternoon to get ’em. Cheers, darling. Have a good one!” *click*

(The kicker? We held his items for a good five weeks before he finally came in for them.)