The Sibling Shade!

, , , , , , | Related | July 25, 2021

I overhear this at a convenience store.

Boy: “Hey, sis, can I ask you a riddle?”

The teenager beside him shrugs.

Boy: “What always goes down but never goes up?”

Sister: “Your grades.”

Boy: *Dejected* “I hate that you are correct.”

For those curious, the proper answer was “rain.”

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Well, SOMEONE Is Making Too Much Noise

, , , , , | Legal | July 24, 2021

I’m working from home when I hear a knock on the door.

Woman: “Your music is too loud.”

Me: “What?”

Woman: “Your music! I can hear it down the street!”

I strain my ears and I can just about hear the small Bluetooth speaker I have playing upstairs. It’s playing light rock, so it’s not as if it had swearing in it.

Me: “Look, it’s not loud and it’s not offensive. I’m allowed to play music.”

Woman: “No, you’re not! I don’t want to hear it anymore!”

Me: “Yeah, I have work to do.”

I shut the door and go back upstairs. I can see her dramatically waving her phone about and I’m pretty sure she is filming me. I ignore her, figuring she must be one sad, miserable individual to be like this.

Eventually, I get another knock at the door. It’s the police.

Policeman: “We’ve had a noise complaint. Could we have a chat?”

I invite them in and show them the tiny speaker I have been using. I show them that it couldn’t be anywhere near as bad as they’ve been told. I offer to give them copies of the CCTV, but they decline.

Policeman: “Thank you for your cooperation. I don’t see any reason to pursue this any further.”

Me: “What about the old woman?”

He thinks for a while and then sighs.

Policeman: “I will go around to speak with her. She has been raising complaints all summer. If she comes round again, tell her to speak to me, Officer [Policeman].”

He leaves and I think the matter is over, but a week later, I get another knock on the door. It’s her again.

Me: “What?”

Woman: “I told you your music is too loud. I called the police and they told me that they would arrest you if you did it again!”

Me: “Really? You mean Officer [Policeman]? I spoke to him, too, and he told me something very different!”

She goes white as a sheet and her mouth drops.

Woman: “Well, yes… Well, I… It’s still too loud!”

She scuttled away in a hurry. Thankfully, I didn’t see her again and got to work in peace.

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It’s Hiding In The Back Along With All The Animals

, , , , , | Right | July 24, 2021

I work in the gift shop of a theme park and open farm. The business is connected to a working farm, and when I was a kid, there used to be a farm shop selling produce, etc. This disappeared years ago; by the time I started working there, it had been closed for four years. Two years into my employment, a customer comes in.

Customer: “Hello, I’m looking for the farm shop. Has it moved?”

Me: *Brightly but apologetically* “I’m really sorry, madam, but I’m afraid the farm shop actually closed about six years ago. We still sell local honey and a few other things in here.” *Gestures*

Customer: *Suddenly affronted* “But I was in there last year! Why has it closed?!”

Me: “I’m afraid it would have been longer than that. I can only assume it wasn’t profitable.”

The customer just blinks at me and walks out, grumbling that it must have closed recently. My manager overhears the conversation, and after the lady has left, turns to me.

Manager: “Does she think we’re hiding it somewhere?”

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You Can Be Lazy Or A Liar But Not Both

, , , , , , | Working | July 23, 2021

I’ve ordered some lunch to-go from a local cafe. I’m a little early but I pop my head in to see if I can collect it yet.

Owner: “No, sorry, it’s not ready yet. In fact, I need to run to the shop.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Any idea how long it will be? Should I pop back later?”

Owner: “No, no. I will only be a few minutes. Take a seat if you like.”

I take a seat in the corner out of the way. The owner shouts through to the back kitchen as she leaves.

Owner: “[Employee], can you watch the front for me, please? I’m running to the shop to get ingredients for this gentleman’s lunch.”

Employee: “I’m on a break.”

Owner: *Looks at the clock* “You’ve had your break; it’s quarter past.”

Employee: “Yeah, but I came back yesterday a minute early, so I’m having an extra minute today.”

Owner: *Shaking her head* “Okay, fine, after your break. Please watch the front.”

She leaves. I read the paper and check my phone. Eventually, the door opens and the owner returns. [Employee] rushes to the till.

Owner: “Did you mind the till? Because you know anyone could come in and open it. We’ve been over this so many times, [Employee].”

Employee: “I was at the till!”

Owner: “Well, why weren’t you here when I came in?”

Employee: “Well, I, err… It’s because… this really mean customer came in and he was shouting and saying we got his order wrong.” *Starts sobbing*

Owner: “Really?”

Employee: *Still sobbing* “What, I’m a liar now?”

Owner: “Okay. Sir, are you still there?”

I walk around the corner.

Me: “Me? Yes, hi.”

Owner: “Did you perhaps see the man who shouted at my staff?”

Me: “Oh, no. No one came in while you were gone.”

Owner: *To [Employee]* “Let’s talk out the back.”

I don’t know what is said, but a door slams somewhere behind me and the owner comes back alone. I get a great lunch and an apology (although I don’t need one). As I am leaving:

Owner: “Sorry about all that. She’s a lovely girl but not the brightest. We have cameras everywhere and this isn’t the first time she has made this sort of thing up.”

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To Protect The Customers From Themselves

, , , | Right | July 23, 2021

A staff member phones to say a customer is very unhappy they have received the wrong kitchen.

Me: “Hello, sir. I believe you are unhappy with your kitchen delivery?”

The customer immediately starts shouting, ranting and raving, and complaining that he’s not got the kitchen he ordered, he has waited many weeks for, this is shocking service, etc. This goes on for five minutes without me getting a word in.

Eventually, I manage to interrupt and ask the following questions.

Me: “Can you advise which kitchen you ordered, please?”

Customer: “White gloss.”

Me: “And what kitchen do you have, sir?”

Customer: “I don’t know; it’s blue.”

Me: “We don’t sell a blue kitchen, sir. Is it the protective film on the doors you are seeing?”

The customer goes quiet and then hangs up the phone.

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