(It is within my first month as a receptionist at a school which has several hundred kids. The ones I tend to see are those who sign out early or come in late. Kids will try all sorts of things to get out of detention for lateness, including taking advantage of being one of hundreds that I don’t know.)

Me: “Hey, [Student]! Why are you late this morning?”

Student: “How do you know my name?”

Me: “I see you twice a week when you sign out for [training]; I think that’s enough to learn your name and face.”

Student: *swears under his breath*

(If someone sees you enough, you will be remembered!)

(I’m a lifeguard on position in an adventure water park. I’m patrolling beside a pool no deeper than most adults’ shins. Despite it being designed mainly for toddlers, the pool is teeming with parents, and just one or two children. A woman approaches me:)

Guest: “Excuse me.”

Me: “Is everything okay? How can I help?”

Guest: “I’ve found something; I think it’s a contaminate.”

Me: “Oh, would you mind showing me?”

(She leads me over to the edge of the pool, where it’s about a foot deep, and points to something lying on the bottom. I bend down to pick it up.)

Me: “It’s a peanut.”

Guest: “It’s worse than I thought! If my daughter had had a peanut allergy then she could’ve died; this water is filthy!”

(A man who has been listening in, nonchalantly walks past and pipes up.)

Man: “Don’t worry, love; the chemicals in the pool will kill your daughter much sooner than that peanut.”

(The man took the peanut out of my hand and ate it, then walked off, leaving the woman speechless, and me trying to stifle a smirk.)

(I’m tidying up a particularly messy shelf when a customer comes up to me. He doesn’t announce himself or say, “Excuse me,” so he takes me by surprise.)

Customer: “Do you sell cassettes here?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir! I was in a world of my own! What is it you were looking for?”

Customer: “Cassettes. Do you sell them?”

Me: “No, sorry, sir. We don’t sell cassettes.”

Customer: *in a condescending tone* “Do you even know what they are?”

Me: “Yes, sir. I used them when I was growing up in the 90s. Used to use them to record my favourite songs off the radio. Unfortunately, not a lot of supermarkets sell them these days, but you could perhaps try charity shops or look online. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

(The man looked shocked; I obviously appear too young to even know what cassettes are!)

(I work in the clothing and accessories department of a big department store. A lady comes up to me with a pair of shoes.)

Customer: “Excuse me, these shoes are my size; however, one is slightly too big.”

Me: “Oh, no, can I take them for a moment and find you another pair in the same size from the stockroom, as it could be that these are defective.”

(The customer hands me the shoes for me to go and find her another pair. I take the new pair to her and she tries them on, but she still has the same issue. I then suggest she tries a different style, just to be sure of whether it’s the shoes or her feet. After trying a different style with same issue, we come to the conclusion that it’s her feet.)

Customer: “As only one fits, could I get a discount?”

Me: “Unfortunately not, because the shoes themselves are not defective.”

Customer: “But they don’t fit me!”

Me: “May I suggest some of those little stick-on heel cushions that will make the shoe a bit smaller, so that it’ll fit better?”

Customer: “Do you sell those here?”

Me: “Yes, they’re in the health and beauty department.”

Customer: “Could I get those free instead of the discount, then?”

Me: “No, because I can’t give away products for free.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because it’s not our fault you have different-sized feet.”

Customer: “That is disability discrimination. Get me a manager.”

(A customer in a wheelchair who only has one leg has been behind her the entire time, also looking at the shoes.)

Customer #2: “I pay full-price for a pair of shoes and I can only wear one. Maybe I’ll throw my spare one at you for thinking your nasty weird feet are an actual disability.”

(The lady throws down the shoes she wants and quickly leaves.)

Customer #2: “I should have gotten her number and put her in touch with my doctor to get her weird foot amputated, and we could have shared the cost on a pair of shoes!”

I was Lifeguarding today and had this question…

Customer: ‘How fast is your slide?’