Scream Bloody Murder

, , , , | Friendly | September 5, 2019

I have a large dog that is very vocal. One day, I was walking through our local woodlands and my dog jumped into the bushes and away from sight. I wasn’t worried as my dog has good recall.

All of a sudden, a female deer jumped across the path and bounded away. My dog became so excited by her find that she began to scream. When I say scream, I mean legitimately scream. She is from a breed known for their “singing.”

A few minutes later, a woman ran in front of me from one of the adjourning paths. She was frantic and out of breath. She asked me if I had been screaming and if I was okay. She asked if I had been attacked or if I had fallen, etc., and I calmly explained that my dog had seen a deer and had gotten overexcited.

The woman wouldn’t hear it. She was adamant that she “knew what a human scream sounded like” and that if I was “covering for someone, there was a special place in Hell for people like me.”

I explained that it was my dog, but when I tried to leave, the woman grabbed me and got out her phone to call the police.

Luckily, my dog spotted a squirrel and began to chirp and sing with excitement. Point proven, the woman blushed and let go. She did not apologise before walking away.

Whilst I am happy to know that the people in my area are willing to run to the rescue, I think that the woman could have handled the situation better.

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Unfiltered Story #161886

, , , | Unfiltered | September 1, 2019

(The store I work at sells tickets for the National Lottery. In order for us to sell them the transaction has to be put through a separate computer. This computer locks transactions when the lottery draw starts at 7:30pm. A customer has come in just after the computer has locked and asked for a ticket.)

Me: Oh, sorry. You just missed it.

Customer: (Grumbles something under his breath.)

(At this point I smile and try to make a joke about the poor luck of the situation.)

Me: Heh, always the way, isn’t it?

Customer: (Suddenly shouting and red in the face.) THERE’S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT IT!

(I’m struck silent by his sudden outburst, the customer storms out of the store and across the road outside, occasionally turning his head back and shouting something over his shoulder)

Co-Worker: What the…

Me: I don’t know!

Unfiltered Story #161864

, , , , | Unfiltered | August 30, 2019

(I work in a relatively small shop, it being only 4 aisles big and a former clothes shop. 2 of our aisles are smaller and the one before the tills is thinner at the end because of the fridges. Even so, we have no issue with customers bringing trollies, pushchairs or mobility scooters round the shop, provided they don’t cause big queues. We have a couple of customers with mobility scooters who cause issues so my co-workers and I tend to mention it to each other when they’re in. Note: it’s very rare to get 2 scooters in one behind the other. My co-worker and I are both on the tills as we spot the 2 scooters coming down the aisle. the first is a gentleman we know is extremely slow so we’re both dreading when he gets to the tills. He stops in front of my till which makes it impossible for anyone to get past him to my co-worker’s till)
Me: Sir, could you please go to the other till so we can stop the queue getting too long?
(I know he’s hard of hearing so I spoke loudly but he just ignores me. I look to my co-worker who is just as lost as I am until he suddenly gets a thought and leaves his till to go back to the slowly building line.)
Me: Sir would you like a bag?
Gentleman: *grumbles*
(I decide not to give him a bag and just scan his items as I watch my co-worker take customers shopping to his till, scan it, go back to the customer, tell them what the owe, get the money, and finish serving them before going to the next customer. I tell the gentleman his total and he spends 5 minutes giving me exact change. I give him his items, and he leaves as slowly as he can without going backwards. After we get rid of the line my co-worker looks at me.)
Co-worker: Did that really just happen?
Me: I know.

This Coincidence Has Been Burning For 23 Years

, , , , , | Right | August 29, 2019

(I work in the reception of a holiday campsite where families can rent a caravan by the sea for a few days. A woman comes marching in.)

Woman: “Your cleaners didn’t do the oven out properly after the last person left!”

Me: “Sorry about that. Would you like me to get someone to do it out again?”

Woman: *ignoring me whilst pulling out a piece of cloth from her bag* “Look at this leg of lamb! It’s covered in black filth!”

(I undo the cloth to find a rather charred piece of meat.)

Me: “Are you sure you didn’t just burn it?”

Woman: “OF COURSE I DIDN’T BURN IT! I’VE WORKED AS HEAD CHEF IN [POSH HOTEL] FOR 25 YEARS! I KNOW HOW TO COOK MEAT!”

Me: “Well, I’m no expert, but I’d call this burnt.”

(The head chef from the onsite restaurant comes in to see someone.)

Woman: “IT’S NOT BURNT! ITS FILTH FROM YOUR UNCLEAN OVEN!”

Chef: “Excuse me, but that’s burnt.”

Woman: “I KNOW MEAT! I WORKED IN [POSH HOTEL] KITCHEN FOR 25 YEARS!”

Chef: “Oh, yeah, I remember that hotel. My uncle had to close it down after complaints of food poisoning 23 years ago.”

Woman: “UNQUALIFIED HACK!”

(She grabs her cremated lamb and leaves.)

Woman: “YOU OWE ME A NEW LAMB!”

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Trouble On Aisle Me

, , , , , , , , | Friendly | August 29, 2019

(Whilst I’m at work, I spot some friends of mine browsing the frozen food aisle. As it’s quiet and I have nothing that needs doing, I decide to say hello.)

Me: *to friends* “Excuse me, madam. I’m going to have to ask you to leave as you’re causing trouble.”

(My friends laugh at the joke. However, a lady nearby doesn’t find it funny.)

Lady: “How dare you?! They weren’t doing anything wrong! The staff here are very rude; I want to complain!”

Friend: “Grandma, it’s okay; we know him! He’s joking!”

(My friend’s Grandma gave me a dirty look, and has done so every time we’ve met since!)

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