Totally (Coco)Nuts About Being Vegan

, , , , , | Working | January 11, 2018

(I have just come back to my desk with a carton of milk to fill up my cereal, which I keep in my desk drawer so people won’t try to steal it. I take a mouthful, and while I’m chewing my coworker starts talking to me.)

Coworker: “That is disgusting!”

(I stare at her while I chew.)

Coworker: “How many cows did you rape to fill up your bowl?!”

(Realising what she’s getting at, I tap the top of the carton which is still on my desk.)

Coworker: “Just because we’re the most evolved doesn’t mean we have the right to hurt and murder and rape our fellow creatures. You should be ashamed! Try some f****** vegan options, for once. It won’t kill you!”

(This entire time, while finishing my chewing, I have been steadily tapping the carton more loudly. She finally clocks on.)

Coworker: “And why are you smacking your bottle of cow’s blood? Are you trying to make me sick?”

Me: *swallowing* “It’s coconut milk. I’m lactose intolerant.”

Coworker: *suddenly happy* “Oh, that’s great! Can I try some?”

Me: “No, not after that steaming pile of ‘attitude’ you just unloaded.”

(I leave and finish my breakfast in the kitchen. I put my milk back in the fridge and get on with my day. Around lunchtime, I go back into the kitchen and find the same coworker looking at my milk with a sour face.)

Coworker: “How can something vegan taste so horrible?”

Me: “I didn’t say you could try that.”

(She jumped, dropped and spilled the milk on the floor, and ran past me, not a word of an apology or anything. I reported her for using someone else’s food, and she was put on probation. She tried to retaliate, saying it was because she was vegan, but then a lot of other coworkers came forward saying she had done the same with their food on finding out it, too, was vegan. They were afraid that if they said something they would get in trouble because of her privileged attitude; I just happened to be the one to open the floodgates. She still works here, but she has a very close eye kept on her, and I just bring in a small beaker every morning with my milk instead of a whole carton.)

The Marketers Are Reverting To Baby Talk

, , , , , , , | Working | January 10, 2018

(I’m at home with my young son, who has just woken up from his nap and is happily playing with his toys. My phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Telemarketer: “Hello, may I speak to [Son]?”

Me: *thinking she meant “about”* “Um, this is his father. What’s this in regards to?”

Telemarketer: “I need to speak to [Son], please. It’s quite important; is he there?”

Me: “Yes. But he’s also 14 months old. I seriously doubt you want to speak with him, at least until he’s capable of… you know… speaking.”

(I hang up, thinking that’s the end of it. However, shortly afterwards, my phone rings again.)

Me: “Hello?”

Telemarketer: “Hello. I don’t think you realise how important this call is to [Son]. It’s vital that I speak with him on this matter.”

Me: *figuring I can get rid of her quicker if I take the bait* “Okay. About what, exactly?”

Telemarketer: “That’s private, I’m afraid, sir. I need to discuss this with [Son] personally. Data protection, I’m sure you understand.”

Me: “Listen. My son is 14 months — as in one year and two months — old. I don’t know what you want, but I guarantee he won’t be interested. So, I’m going to go ahead and decline your generous offer on his behalf.” *hangs up*

(Ring, ring.)

Me: “All right, what?”

Telemarketer: “You know, if I were the police I could have you arrested.”

Me: “WHAT?!”

Telemarketer: *condescendingly* “If my call was a police matter, you could be arrested for obstruction of justice.”

Me:Are you the police?”

Telemarketer: “I could be! As I said, this is a private matter between [Son] and me. I can’t discuss it with you.”

Me: “And as I said… You know what? I’ll pass you over to him.”

Telemarketer: *smugly* “A wise decision, sir.”

(I put the speaker on and pass the phone to my son, who holds it, staring in wonder.)

Son: “Ah?”

Telemarketer: “Good afternoon, Mr. [Son]. My name is [Telemarketer]. I’m calling on behalf of [Not the Police], and we have wonderful news! You have been selected to receive our exclusive offers that you won’t find…”

(My son giggles and babbles to himself as he turns my phone this way and that.)

Telemarketer: “I’m sorry, Mr. [Son]. I didn’t quite catch that; could you say that again?”

(My son then put the phone right up to his mouth and yelled, “AAAAAAAAHHHH!” down the line, louder than I’d ever heard him. I could make out the unmistakable sound of an earpiece being thrown onto a desk, followed by the muffled voice of the telemarketer shouting, “Good f***ing God!” before the call got dropped. My son guffawed and then went back to playing with his toys. We didn’t get any more calls from them again.)

Greed Burns

, , , , , | Right | January 9, 2018

(I am working in a popular supermarket’s call center’s canteen as a general assistant. One weekend, our general manager is working as the chef in the kitchen, and another general assistant is working, as well. I am busy deep-cleaning the vending machine in our canteen when I see a potential customer approach.)

Customer: “Will I be able to get myself a coffee?”

Me: “No, sorry. The machine is in the middle of a clean cycle.”

Customer: “Are you sure there is no way to for me to get one?”

Me: “Sure, in ten minutes.”

Customer: “Well, why does it need cleaning?”

(By this point, I’m through not treating her like she is stupid.)

Me: “Because this is full of harmful cleaning chemicals, and we wouldn’t want anyone with bits in their coffee.”

Customer: “Okay.”

(Then, she proceeds to walk towards the canteen and ducks under the shutter — which is half-closed, as we are not open yet — whilst the other general assistant is setting up down the bottom. I finish cleaning up and go down to the general manager.)

Me: “Seriously, she just tried to get a coffee when I was busy cleaning the machine. How stupid can people be?”

Manager: “I know, right?” *laughs*

(The weekend manager was really chill and would only laugh at stupid customers, like when another one burnt herself on her cup of soup after she filled it to the top in her greed, and spilled it.)

No Point Crying Over It

, , , , , , , | Related | January 8, 2018

(I’m watching a children’s animated film with my mum. There is a bit where our heroes are trying to get back to their kingdom and the boy resorts to pretend-crying at the wizard so he will help them.)

Boy Character: *unintelligible crying*

Mum: “What did he say?”

Me: “‘Wahwuhsob.'”

Mum: “Ah, I thought so.”

Sibling Rivalry Never Dies

, , , , , | Related | January 7, 2018

My aunt has six children, two of which were twins. Sadly, one of the twins died as a baby due to cot death. This year is the remaining twin’s 30th birthday. She planned a big party for herself and invited her mum — my aunt — along.

Her mum told her she couldn’t make it because she was throwing a party for [Dead Twin]’s birthday.

Sadly, this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. I understand that you want to remember the child that you lost, but at the cost of ignoring the twin that lived?

Page 3/4512345...Last
« Previous
Next »