I work in a gym that has a daycare so that parents who want to work out can leave their children with us for a few hours. I don’t normally work at daycare, but someone has called in sick, so I’ve just started covering the afternoon shift. There are a few kids here who got dropped off before I started.

Customer: “I’m here to pick up Jason.”

Me: “Oh, we actually have two Jasons today. What’s the surname?”

Customer: “Smith, but he won’t respond to that. He’s not that bright. Just grab the four-year-old that looks like he knows what every crayon tastes like.”

I hate to admit it, but when I went back to collect him, her description was accurate. He had a crayon up his nose, and he’d drawn a green beard on himself. My coworker was there, but when asked why she’d let him do that:

Coworker: “No force on earth will get between Jason and his crayons. At least they’re non-toxic.”

When I bring Jason back out to Mummy:

Jason: “Mummy!”

Customer: “Hi there, moppet. Oh… no eyebrows to match the beard today! That’s an improvement.”

Jason: “Yes, Mummy! I practised… restraint!”

One of our coworkers is about to start his paternity leave. He’s in the office this morning, handing over some important tasks while everyone is offering him congratulations.

Manager: “Enjoy these days when they’re babies. My kids are all older, and they don’t talk to me anymore. I just don’t understand.”

Coworker: “Oh, well, I’m sorry to hear that.”

Manager: “Yeah, I was an amazing father! Now they’ve all gone no contact. It’s so strange! Anyway, sorry to blabber on. You have some amazing times ahead!”

Coworker: “Haha, well, with all the dirty nappies (diapers) to deal with, we’ll see!”

Manager: “Well, your wife will worry about all that.”

Coworker: “Well, I mean, it’s a joint effort.”

Manager: *Proudly.* “I never changed a nappy in my life! That’s women’s work.”

Hmm, I wonder why his kids won’t speak to him?

I work in a specialty tea shop in a tourist-heavy historic district. I’m working a quiet afternoon shift when a couple walks in, mid-argument. The man is trying to impress the woman with his “knowledge” of tea.

Customer: “We’re looking for that… what’s it called… that super rare tea that only grows on cliffs or something?”

Me: “Ah, you might mean Da Hong Pao. Grows on Wuyi mountain cliffs in China.”

Customer: “Yeah, that! We’ll take a cup. Two pounds, actually!”

Me: “We don’t sell that by the cup, and, unfortunately, we don’t carry the authentic kind; it’s extremely rare and costs several thousand per ounce. Most of what’s sold under that name is a cultivar or blend.”

Customer: *Smirking at his friend but speaking to me.* “Oh, so you don’t have the rarest tea in the world? Guess this isn’t a real tea shop, huh?”

Me: “We stock teas, not flexes.”

His lady friend actually snort-laughed, while he glared at me and walked out very briskly. His friend gave me a silent thumbs-up and followed him at a slower pace.

I’m working the overnight obstetric bleep, meaning if any pregnant person in the hospital has an emergency, it goes straight to me. Naturally, it can get quite busy, but not always for the right reasons – people clap eyes on a pregnant person and lose all clinical judgement. I had these three scenarios happen in one night.

Scenario #1:

Me: “Hi, obstetric registrar. I got bleeped?”

A&E Doctor: “Hi, can you come and take a look at this lady in A&E? She’s got a broken arm.”

Me: “…this is the obstetric registrar?”

A&E Doctor: “Yeah, she’s pregnant. Can you tell us what to do?”

Me: “…put it in a cast?”

Scenario #2:

Me: “Hi, obstetric registrar. I got bleeped?”

A&E Doctor: “Hi, can you come and take a look at this lady in A&E? She’s got some abdominal pain.”

Me: “Okay, what’s the pain like?”

A&E Doctor: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Is she bleeding?”

A&E Doctor: “I don’t know, I didn’t ask.”

Me: “Have you examined her abdomen?”

A&E Doctor: “Isn’t that your job?”

Me: “…take a full history and examine the patient, now. I will be having a word with your senior when I get there.”

It turned out she was in premature labour.

Scenario #3:

Me: “Hi, obstetric registrar. I got bleeped?”

Respiratory Doctor: “Hi, can you come and take a look at this lady on the ward? Her blood pressure’s really high.”

Me: *Starting to worry about pre-eclampsia.* “How high?”

Respiratory Doctor: “135/95.”

For reference, normal is 120/80. This is barely raised.

Me: *Internally groaning.* “I’m sure she’s fine, but I’ll come and have a look.”

She was fine and met her on the wards about a month later with a lovely baby girl.

I work in a community recreation centre. I’m manning the front desk with my manager, who is working her last day. A woman approaches with a reusable water bottle and starts speaking to the manager with a sour tone.

Customer: “Excuse me, I just tried the water fountain near the yoga room and the water tastes… metallic.”

Manager: “Oh, yeah, that one’s connected to the older plumbing line. Still safe to drink, just not filtered like the bottle-filling station over here.”

Customer: “Well, that’s not acceptable. I shouldn’t have to hunt for decent water in a facility I pay for!”

Manager: “We do recommend using the filling stations, especially since they’re filtered and chilled.”

Customer: “Then why even have that nasty one working? You should shut it down if it’s not perfect.”

Manager: “We keep it for emergencies or if the others are in use.”

Customer: “It’s just lazy.”

She gestures to her spotless, logo-covered stainless steel bottle.

Manager: “Looks like you survived the ordeal. Let me know if you need a medal or a refill.”

Got to love a last-day comment with no consequences!