Putting The “A**” In “All-Access Pass”

, , , , , | Right | March 13, 2019

(I work as a doorman for a large, well-known rock venue in the city centre. We have a good team, and there is usually very little trouble, but we take pride in providing a safe place for people to have fun without being obnoxious. A band I don’t know is playing. I am checking passes at a door that leads backstage, and as you might imagine, fans always want to go backstage to meet their idols, so the rules are pretty strict; if you don’t have a pass, you’re not going backstage. No ifs, no buts, no coconuts. About an hour before the show starts, a guy approaches the door where I’m working.)

Me: “Pass, please.”

Customer: “I don’t have it. I must have left it backstage. Let me through!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but if you don’t have your pass on you, I can’t let you past.”

Customer: “F*** off! I left it backstage. Get out of my way!”

(The customer tries to push past me. I’m not a tall guy, but I’m broad, strong, and used to dealing with drunken idiots. I put my hand on the guy’s chest and gently push him back.)

Me: “I’m sorry. No pass, no entry.”

(The customer now starts on a rant, shouting and swearing, telling me that he’ll have my job, how much he makes compared to me, that I’m fat and too stupid to do anything but guard a door, etc. I’m trained to be calm in situations like these, but the attitude of this guy is getting on my nerves. After a couple of minutes of this, he seems to run out of ideas.)

Me: “Are you done? Look. If you can go and find someone with an Access All Areas pass, they can vouch for you and I can let you through. Until then, you’re not going backstage.”

(At this, he flounces off to find someone with a pass. He returns a few minutes later with a person I recognise from the security briefing: the band’s manager.)

Manager: “What is going on? [Customer] is saying that you threatened him, and you won’t let him backstage?”

(I explain the situation, noting that I don’t know who the band is or what they look like, and that for security reasons you can’t get backstage without a pass. Whilst this is happening, [Customer] is sneering at me over the manager’s shoulder.)

Me: “…so, as you’ve got an Access All Areas pass, you can vouch for him and I can let him past.”

Manager: “Oh. Well, that’s okay, then.”

(The customer smarms past me.)

Me: *to customer* “Remember to wear your pass, and we can avoid this in future.”

Customer: “F*** YOU!”

(Once he’s gone, I explain what the customer was like, and I can see the look the manager’s eyes.)

Manager: “I’m so sorry about him. He’s been showing off like this since we started the tour. He’s not normally like this.”

Me: “No worries. He is an idiot, though. How long have you got left of the tour?”

Manager: “We’ve only just started! We’ve got sixteen weeks to go!”

Me: “I’d suggest taking him aside and explaining that not every place is as nice as us. If he tries that in the wrong place he’s not always going to get such a calm response.”

Manager: “Will do. Thanks for not knocking him on his a**.”

(I saw that the band played the Glastonbury festival this year, so I guess the guy either mellowed out, or the manager drilled some sense into him!)

Your Knowledge Knit His Brow

, , , , | Right | March 12, 2019

(An elderly gentleman is looking around the products near where I’m standing at the register. I’m twenty-five, but I look much younger and could be mistaken for one of the teenagers out of school for summer holidays.)

Customer: *picks up a set of crochet hooks* “What are these for?”

Me: “They’re crochet hooks.”

Customer: “That’s like knitting, right?”

Me: “That’s right! Instead of two needles, you use one hook, but a bit like knitting, yeah.”

(I crochet in my spare time, so I’m quite happy to talk about the hooks, since I know my stuff.)

Customer: “You know, a lot of girls your age don’t know things like that anymore. They don’t know how to sew or knit or anything; they just don’t care.”

(I just stood there, a little dumbfounded, until he wandered off, thinking to myself that HE didn’t know that, either. A little later, I could hear him asking my — much older than me — coworker questions about some of the electronics we had further into the shop, and making snide comments when she didn’t know all the answers. I guess I really disappointed him by proving that “kids these days” do still know about crafts. For the record, I sew, as well, but he’s right that I can’t knit!)

Complaints Come Knocking At Your Door

, , | Right | March 11, 2019

(I am updating our electronic complaints system as we received a complaint earlier in the day before I got in. I read it to myself and ask the manager on duty about it. He tells me the secure vehicle usually used to take our revenue from store to bank had an accident and was rescheduled to six am the next morning to meet the submission deadline. Said manager opened the door for the courier and kept it open until he came back. A woman walking by noticed the open door and assumed we were open.)

Manager: *blocking the door* “I’m sorry, madam, but we are closed until eight am.”

Woman: “But you have the door open.”

Manager: “I am keeping it open until a colleague leaves.”

Woman: “But the door is OPEN!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, but we’re aren’t open until eight am.”

Woman: “BUT THE DOOR IS OPEN!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, but we aren’t open until eight am. If you could please step aside, as I hear my colleague coming.”

Woman: “BUT THE DOOR—“ *stops, smiles, and steps aside for the courier* “—IS OPEN!”

Manager: *taking his chance to close the door* “Thank you for being so considerate to my colleague.”

(He locks the door and leaves. Every time he walks by he sees the same woman glaring in. It seems she stands there until opening time, at which time she storms up to the front desk, and demands to make a complaint. She is given the form by the manager, fills it in, and sprints out of the store.)

Me: “Did you read it?”

Manager: “No. I just stuck it in the basket.”

(I hand him the form.)

Manager: *looking up at me* “A complaint that she was two hours late for work because she couldn’t complain when she wanted to complain?”

(I submit the complaint with the manager’s account, and get a response back from our HR team almost immediately.)

HR: “Why did she wait? Couldn’t she have just come back later?”

(They requested we send the form over. Apparently, they framed it and hung it in their meeting room with the award for Most Ridiculous Complaint.)

Cake Stops People From Going Postal

, , , | Hopeless | March 9, 2019

(I work in a small post office in a rural area. It makes for a pretty relaxed atmosphere as and people tend to like talking too much about what they’re sending. This has led to some embarrassing oversharing before. This is my favourite interaction, though.)

Customer: “I’d like to send this first class. It’s cake samples for a wedding, so I don’t want it to take long.”

Me: “That’s nice. Oh, it’s still a little warm. Smells really good.”

Customer: “Thank you. Made them all fresh. I’ve got mint chocolate, red velvet, chocolate orange, and Victoria sponge.”

Me: *jokingly* “Well, if it doesn’t get there, you know I might have just eaten them. They sound tasty!”

(We share a laugh and finish the transaction. The next day:)

Customer: “Hello again. I had some leftover sample slices and thought you’d like them.”

Me: “Oh, wow. Thank you so much!”

(I shared the cake with my boss. They were delicious, and when it came time for my sister’s wedding, you can guess who made the cake.)

 

Fraud Is Mighty When In Blighty

, , , , | Legal Right | March 8, 2019

(I am from the USA, visiting the UK. Every single place I visit asks to see my ID since I don’t have a signature on the back of my credit card.)

Employee: “May I please see your ID?”

Me: “It’s amazing! Everywhere I’ve been in the UK, they’ve checked my ID!”

Employee: “Well, it’s law. We have to check to see if your signature matches.”

Me: “It’s law in America, too, but that doesn’t stop every single place I’ve worked from allowing people to check out after saying they were using their boyfriend’s/mom’s/whoever’s card!”

Employee: “That’s credit card fraud!”

Me: “To an American business, that’s a sale!”

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