They Do Say Visa Is Accepted Anywhere

, , , , , , , | Working | July 13, 2018

(My wife and I are out for a meal, as it’s my birthday. We have got the bill and are just paying.)

Wife: *holding bank card* “Where would you like it?”

Waitress: “Up the bum, as standard.”

(My wife and I look at each other before bursting into fits of laughter as the waitress realises what she has said.)

Waitress: “Into the bottom of the machine! That came out wrong; I’m so sorry.”

Wife: “That’s okay; we’re always twisting comments like that.”

(As we left I gave a generous tip, and thanked the still embarrassed waitress for the laugh.)

The Mother Can’t See The Light

, , , , , , | Right | July 13, 2018

(I am working on a photo op position during one of this tourist attraction’s special events. A child or about six or seven comes up to have their photo taken.)

Me: “Okay, if you can go and stand in the light for me?”

(The child goes to do so.)

Mother: “No, [Child]! Stay there and listen to the lady; she’s telling you what to do!”

(The child turns back to me, confused.)

Me: “It’s okay! Go and stand just where you were.”

(The child does.)

Mother: “No! Stay there! The lady is telling you what to do!”

(This happens several more times, and the child is clearly growing uncomfortable. I eventually raise my voice, despite her being close enough to have heard before.)

Me: “Don’t worry, [Child]! You were right the first time! Stand just there under the light, like you did!”

(She finally seemed to get the message, took her child’s picture, then walked straight off without an apology or a thank you.)

You Owe Me An Explanation

, , , , | Right | July 12, 2018

(I am on reception at a leisure centre that has various activities going on at once. It is very busy, as it is the Easter holidays, and it’s raining. An old lady comes up to the desk with her grandson:)

Customer: *in a very quiet voice* “What do I owe you?”

Me: *leaning towards her to be able to hear her* “Sorry?”

Customer: “What do I owe you?”

Me: *still with my head leaning over the counter and whispering too* “I don’t know. You haven’t told me what you want to do.”

Customer: *suddenly louder* “Well, I have never been here before, so I don’t know what to do!”

Me: *in my head* “Perhaps tell me what you want to do before I charge you! I have to do this mad, crazy thing called ‘put information into the till’!”

Some Calls Need A Screening Process

, , , , | Right | July 11, 2018

(I work in a call centre supporting IT. We have a remote tool which allows us to view the customer’s screens.)

Me: “Good morning, and thank you for calling [Call Centre]. My name is [My Name]; how can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’ve been opening my emails, and they show the box on the taskbar, showing they are open, but they’re not showing on my screen! It’s useless! I’ve tried everything including rebooting…”

(The customer goes on like this for a few minutes, saying how his computer never works and the system is rubbish, etc.)

Me: “Can I just take your Personal Identification Number, please?”

(I confirm a few basic details, including computer details, so I can remote over to his screen.)

Me: “Brilliant. I’ll remote across now; just make sure everything private is closed.”

(The customer approves my remote connection. I can see two screens; one has his emails open on them, and I can see them fine.)

Me: “[Customer], do you have two screens?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “Could you ensure your second screen is turned on, please?”

(A moment’s silence passes.)

Customer: “Oh, b*****ks!” *click*

Digging Your Nails Into This Alibi

, , , , , | Working | July 9, 2018

(A coworker bursts into my office.)

Coworker: *thrusting a sheet of paper into my hand* “I need you to sign this!”

Me: *after reading the paper* “[Coworker], I can’t sign this. This says you attended [Meeting] yesterday.”

Coworker: “I know; I sort of need an alibi.”

Me: “But this wouldn’t prove anything. [Meeting] is held over instant messenger. All someone has to do it check the record and see you weren’t in it.”

Coworker: “So, you won’t help me? God, you’re so mean now that you’ve been promoted. I could lose my job.”

Me: “What’s the alibi for, anyway?”

Coworker: “I needed to nip out and get a pedicure for my great-aunt’s funeral on Friday, and I can only get it done at [Salon], which is near [Town]. And, well, the parking is really bad, so I took the metro, and I ended up being gone for five hours.”

Me: “Five hours?! You know you could’ve taken compassionate leave?”

Coworker: “And missed ogling at those construction workers across the road? Think straight, [My Name]!” *leaves*

(She probably would have gotten away with her little frolic, had she not acted suspicious and blurted out a fabricated story to her manager, who then followed up on it and discovered the truth. She wasn’t fired, but she lost access to her company car for the rest of the week, meaning she had to pay to drive to the funeral. A rumour started later that month that she decided not to go, and spent all day at home.)

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