The Definition Is Fluid

, , , , , , , | Romantic | September 10, 2017

(I have made some new friends, and I am discussing them with my boyfriend.)

Me: “…and then there’s [Friend’s Name], but they usually go by [Gender-Neutral Name].”

Boyfriend: “Because she’s a tomboy?”

Me: “Not really. They described themselves as gender-fluid.”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: “You know? Someone who identifies as being either gender?”

Boyfriend: *look of realisation” “Oh! That’s what that means!”

Me: “What did you think it meant?”

Boyfriend: “I don’t want to say.”

Me: “You thought it was an actual fluid didn’t you?”

Boyfriend: “…maybe.”

Me: *jokingly* “And what did this magical fluid do? Make you change genders?”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: “Seriously!?”

Boyfriend: “There’s medical breakthroughs every day!”

Me: “I’m pretty sure they’re focusing more on curing cancer than making you a drink to give you a vagina!”

The Daddy Of All Phrasing

, , , , | Learning | September 8, 2017

(In year-seven Spanish, our teacher is going through the translations of family members.)

Teacher:Padre means father, dad, or daddy.”

Student: *out loud* “The Internet has ruined the word ‘daddy’.”

Don’t Let The Doors Hit You On Your Way Out

, , , , | Right | September 7, 2017

(A customer comes to the counter.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you know who wrote Light My Fire?”

Me: “Yeah, The Doors.”

Customer: “HA! Everyone thinks that, but The Doors covered it. I need to know who did it originally.”

Me: “Um, I’m pretty sure it was The Doors.”

(He’s so sure I doubt myself, so I go and get “The Best of The Doors” from the rack and check the writing credits.)

Me: “Um, yeah, there we go, that’s The Doors on the writing credit.”

(It turned out with some quizzing he thought the comedy version by British Novelty act Mike Flowers Pops, released in 1996, was the original.)

Unfiltered Story #93334

, , | Unfiltered | September 7, 2017

(I live in a city in the UK notorious for only having one Internet/phone provider. This Internet provider will let other company’s use their lines but only if they pay them a very high line rental, which the other companies won’t do. I’ve been getting a lot of cold callers, trying to get me to change provider. I normally just hang up but this time I decided to see where it went.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello, am I speaking to Mrs. Brown?”

Me: “I’m sorry; they’re not known at this number.”

Caller: “I am calling [my phone number].”

Me: “You are, but they’re not known at this number.”

Caller: “Are you the one responsible for the telephone bill?”

Me: “I am.”

Caller: “I am calling because I can offer you a great deal on your home telephone.”

Me: “No you can’t, mate. I’m in [city].”

Caller: “Oh, you’re in [city] right now?”

Me: “I am.”

Caller: “So you’re with [internet/phone provider]?”

Me: “Yup!”

Caller: “Oh, I’m sorry then. I can’t offer you a deal on your home phone.”

(They didn’t call back again and I hope the guy told his higher ups not to call anyone with our area code as they can’t sell to us.)

Unfiltered Story #92883

, , | Unfiltered | September 7, 2017

(A coworker has been asking me about my sexual orientation, as I’m quite camp. He identifies as pansexual, while I identify as bisexual. He asks me to clarify why I am bi. He interrupts me mid-sentence.)

Coworker: “Mate, that makes you pan.”

Me: “I don’t think so, nor do I really care.”

Coworker: “But you said you don’t care about gender.”

Me: “Right. It means nothing to me when it comes to sexuality, because you can’t know someone’s identity unless they tell you. If I find someone attractive, I find them attractive. Their gender has no bearing on that.”

Coworker: “But bisexuality is attraction to two genders.”

Me: “Well, that’s not how I understood it, but going with that, how would we know?”

Coworker: “Huh?”

Me: “How would we know their gender without asking them? And would that mean we immediately stop feeling attracted the second they say they don’t conform to the gender binary?”

Coworker: “Well, uh… It, it still means you’re pan.”

Me: “I don’t really care. I don’t feel the need to state that gender doesn’t affect my attraction to someone, so I’ll stick with bisexual.”

(This seemed to piss him off, and he stormed off, saying that someday I would accept what I really am. He was the first person I had ever met who identified as pan, and I didn’t really understand it much to begin with, other than this statement that you’re attracted to every gender. I see this as pointless for me, because I’ve always assumed that was a given when it came to bisexuality, and every other sexuality, for that matter. Sorry if I’ve offended anyone, though. I’m probably just ignorant.)

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