Ju-Don’t Test Me Or You Will Lose

We have this obnoxious guy in the office who ticks off so many annoying boxes. He thinks he’s God’s gift to women, he’s loud and crass with all his achievements (both work- and non-work-related), and he likes to boast about things that are obviously fake or impossible. “Oh, some kid finally beat Tetris? Pfft! I did that when I was a kid on my first try!”

I’ve come back from a week’s annual leave, and he passes me by.

Obnoxious Coworker: “Oh, you’re back. You couldn’t even get a decent tan when you were away?”

Me: “Well, it’s hard to get a tan when you’ve been indoors all week.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “What a waste of a holiday to be indoors!”

Me: “It wasn’t really a holiday, more of a competition. I was competing in a Judo tournament.”

Obnoxious Coworker: *Snorts* “Hah! Whatever.”

Me: “I placed third.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “You’re havin’ me on!”

Me: “I assure you I’m not.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “A skinny twig like you does Judo?”

Me: “I do Judo because I’m a skinny twig. It’s great for figuring out how to take down stronger and larger opponents.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “I bet I could still take you on with an arm behind my back.”

Me: “I doubt that.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “Oh, yeah? Come on, then. Come at me!”

Me: “I’m not going to do that.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “That’s what I thought.”

Me: “It’s not that. I don’t want to be at the center of a Human Resources incident where I caused you any injury—”

Obnoxious Coworker: “Come on! Don’t be a p***y! Come at me! I dare ya!”

Me: “You dare me? What are you, eleven?”

Obnoxious Coworker: “Come at me!”

In his excitement, he actually comes at me! Instead of trying to make a display, I simply slide to the side, using my foot to easily trip him up. Honestly, it isn’t even a Judo move, just a simple tripping up. He falls to the ground, more embarrassed than hurt. He glares at me and storms off, but he is literally back a minute later with one of the managers, who is also an HR manager. This manager has been having a coffee in the breakroom — in full view of our encounter, I might add.

Obnoxious Coworker: “Well! You saw him trip me up on purpose, didn’t you?”

HR: “I saw you fall.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “Because he tripped me!”

HR: “Well… you did dare him.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “This is ridiculous!” *Storms off*

Me: “So, I’m good?”

HR: “You’re good. Try to resist the urge to ‘Judo Chop’ him if you can.”

Me: “That’s gonna be a struggle…”

Thankfully, [Obnoxious Coworker] ignored me for the rest of the day. Bliss!