Customers That Make Two Years Feel Like Fifteen

, , , , | Right | May 10, 2020

Me: “Good afternoon, [Store]. How can I help?”

Customer: “Now, listen. I have had a two-year contract with you since [specific date], so it has run out, but you are still charging me!”

Me: “Okay, do you want to end the connection?”

Customer: “Of course, I want to end the connection. I only signed up for two years!”

Me: “Okay, I see what you mean. The two years is a minimum term; to end the contract you need to give us thirty days’ notice.”

Customer: “No, no, no, no, I don’t. That is absolute rubbish.”

Me: “I’m afraid it isn’t, ma’am. It is clearly stated in the terms—”

Customer: “No, it is not. The only mention of thirty days’ notice is when you want to cancel early. You are talking complete rubbish, and frankly, I have had enough of [Company]’s horrendous service. Every time I speak to you people on the phone or go into your shop, I get nothing but bad attitudes and no care whatsoever!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear you feel that way, ma’am, but unfortunately, that is the process as it stands right now.”

Customer: “You are giving me nothing but lies now.”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t lie to my customers. I am actually very proud of the quality of service I give to anyone I speak to at work.”

Customer: “More rubbish! Now, listen to me. I have been a customer of yours for fifteen years!”

We haven’t been trading for fifteen years.

Customer: “I demand to have this situation resolved now!”

Me: “Ma’am, as I said, the only way to disconnect the device is—”

Customer: “I am fed up with your rubbish. I demand you put me through to your head office right now!”

Me: “Unfortunately, I haven’t got a way of transferring your call, and we don’t have a direct line for them, either.”

Customer: “You had best find one now, because I mean to tell them all about how [Store] are a pack of thieves and liars. I will take names, as well, please.”

Me: “My name is [My Name], and I can give you the postal address for head office if that’s okay?”

Customer: “Well, it will have to be, and who else is part of this scam?”

Me: “Without seeing the paperwork for your connection, I won’t be able to give you any other names, I’m afraid.”

Customer: “Looks like all of this will land on your shoulders, then. Now, here’s what is going to happen: I am going to the bank and cancelling my direct debit, and I’m writing to your head office to tell them how in fifteen years of being a customer, I haven’t once been treated well!”

Me: “I must tell you that if you cancel the direct debit without informing us you are giving notice, you will take on extra charges, and the matter could get handed to a debt collector.”

Customer: “Are you threatening me now?”

Me: “No, ma’am, just letting you know how the situation will be managed from the company’s end.”

Customer: “You people are truly disgusting! I’m an elderly woman and you would send bailiffs round to take all of my belongings because you conned me?!”

Me: “Again, it is part of the terms of the contract you signed. Please make sure, if you do write to our head office, to mention that you will cancel the direct debit without giving us notice. I’ll give you the address now.”

The address was given and the customer slammed the phone down on me. I walked straight over to some existing customers who had come to see me specifically because of the service they received in the past.

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A Blitz Of Reactions

, , , , , | Right | May 9, 2020

We are three weeks into lockdown. I am stacking shelves when a grumpy old man grumbles down the aisle.

Grumpy Old Man: “This is ridiculous! You have nothing left!”

Me: “We do have lots of supplies, sir. We are limiting the quantity customers can each purchase, and we have new stock that just arrived and we’re trying to get it all out as fast as possible. If you’re looking for something specific, I can go check the back for you.”

Grumpy Old Man: “This is all an overreaction! You young people are too scared! In the Blitz, we didn’t lock down or hide at home! We walked the streets with our heads up, proud and unafraid!”

A younger man in the same aisle speaks up.

Younger Man: “The bloody bombs weren’t contagious, you f****** eejit!”

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No Helium, But Plenty Of Hot Air!

, , , , | Right | May 9, 2020

My store sells helium balloons. As a complementary service, if you purchase the balloons from us we will blow them up from you free of charge. We aren’t allowed to blow balloons up from external companies or other shops, even if the customer offers to pay.

Whenever we run out of helium, we take down all the balloons and put them behind the nearby electronics desk. It’s largely to stop customers being disappointed at not getting their purchased balloons blown up and complaining or asking for goodwill. It’s also to stop us having to refund every customer’s balloons and wasting time. A woman approaches the desk.

Customer: “Hi. Do you have any helium balloons? The stand is empty.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry but we’re out of helium so we don’t have the balloons out right now.”

Customer: “Oh. I have a helium tank at home so I don’t mind buying them and doing it at home. I really need them for tomorrow for my son’s birthday.”

Me: “Oh, well, that’s fine, then. If you follow me, I can get the box and find the balloons you like.”

We both start to walk towards where the box is kept at the desk.

Customer: “So, I’m assuming I get a discount on the balloons due to the fact you aren’t blowing them up.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t think we can do that. Head office is very strict about our sale of balloons in relation to the helium. At the end of the day, us blowing them up is a complimentary service. I can ring a manager to double-check, I guess?”

We reach the electronics desk and she asks for a specific balloon, which I hand to her. I ring a manager who confirms what I told the customer: that we cannot discount balloons just because we’ve temporarily run out of helium. I hang up the phone and turn to the customer.

Me: “I’m sorry, but he’s confirmed that I can’t give you a discount.”

She glares at me and sighs.

Customer: “Are you sure?!”

Me: “Yes, I’m sure. I’m sorry but it’s company policy. I can’t override it.”

Early on in this interaction, I felt bad for her, since it was for her toddler’s birthday party. I had planned on giving her a few of our “£1” coupons to apologise and essentially give her her discount. The coupons are generic so it wouldn’t have flagged on the system and the manager would have been none the wiser, and the woman would be happy. However, she is so insistent on the discount, I tell her twice more that there’s nothing I can do. A couple of minutes later, she hands back the balloon I’d given her.

Customer: “You know what, I’m just going to drive to [Same Supermarket the town over] and get the balloons off of them. They’ll blow it up for me. Thanks for nothing!”

With that, she walked away to purchase the rest of her shopping. I still don’t get why she made a big deal out of the helium, when she stated she had a tank at home she could use, nor why she figured driving ten minutes away to the same supermarket — therefore still giving our company money — just to have them blown up would save her any money or time!

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Desperately Need It Working… On The Clock

, , , | Right | May 7, 2020

I answer the phone.

Caller: “The system you sold us isn’t working!”

Me: “Okay, try [basic troubleshooting].”

Caller: “It still isn’t working; we desperately need it working today!”

Me: “Okay, no problem. We are only five minutes away. Could you drop it off?”

Caller: “Oh, well… I’m going home in like thirty minutes. I guess it can wait.”

The next week he turned up, only after making sure that he got a paid lunch for doing it.

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This Request Is Measured In Nonometers

, , , , | Right | May 4, 2020

We supply high-accuracy equipment. The phone rings.

Caller: “We need something that can measure to 0.001 mm. Will [most basic equipment] do?”

Me: “I’m afraid not; the system you mentioned is an entry-level system for museums and art studios.”

Caller: “Well, what do you have? Our current system is overloaded.”

Me: “We have [higher-end models].”

Caller: “No! Too expensive and not accurate enough!”

Me: “With all due respect, there isn’t a system available on this planet that accurate, and if there was it would be very expensive.”

Caller: “Rubbish! We use [Model] and it is fine!”

Me: “I’m sorry but I have been in this business for ten years; what you need doesn’t exist.”

Turns out that the caller was a quality manager of a whole company and the magic equipment he was using was not only out of date but was never that accurate even on the day it was made.

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