The city I live and work in is one of the largest in the UK and has several universities in it. I work in the city centre and live close enough to commute on foot. I usually walk home on a major route that, if I were to follow it past my street and on for another half a mile or so, would lead to the largest and most famous of these universities.
It’s spring, and there are a lot of potential students coming to the city to look at the different university campuses, take tours of the buildings, and generally try to prepare for their future. The city can be hard to navigate, so I like to keep an eye out for them and give directions where I can.
One day, I am at a point on my walk home that’s almost equidistant between the largest university and the two universities nearest to where I work. I spot two confused-looking young people. They are dressed in an eclectic mix of clothing that gives that hint of trying too hard to be quirky. One is looking around, looking half-asleep and helpless. The other is glowering with tightly folded arms and an about-to-ask-for-the-manager expression of rage.
Being too nice for my own good, I ask if they are lost.
Sleepy: “Yeah… We’re trying to get to the university.”
Me: “Okay, I can give you directions. Which one?”
I can almost hear the row of dots coming off them.
Sleepy: “…”
Grumpy: “…”
Sleepy: “There are two?”
Me: “Well, I’d say there are three in walking distance of here. What’s the name of the one you want to go to?”
Sleepy looks to Grumpy for help, but Grumpy just harrumphs.
Me: “Is it [University #1]?”
Sleepy: “Uhhhhh…”
Me: “[University #2]?”
Sleepy: “Uhhhhh…”
Me: “[University #3]?”
Sleepy: “…What was the second one again?”
Me: “[University #2]?”
Sleepy: “What was the first one?”
Me: “[University #1]?”
Sleepy: “What was the second one?”
This goes on for some time. Grumpy is no help, clearly getting angrier and angrier in the manner of a toddler whose mother is spending too long chatting outside the supermarket.
Me: “Look, do you want to call somebody to ask? One of your friends or your family, maybe?”
Sleepy: “No! Our parents said we wouldn’t be able to do this by ourselves! We have to do it by ourselves! Help us!”
Me: *Ignoring the irony* “Well, can you remember anything about the university you’re trying to go to? What course you were interested in? What the logo looks like?”
Sleepy: “It’s in a train station.”
Me: “…Do you mean the train station called ‘University’?”
This is a mainline train station within the campus of the largest university — the one in the direction I’m walking.
Sleepy: “Yes, the university is in it. I think it must be the biggest station in the city.”
Me: “No, University Station is on the campus of [University #1]. Is that the one you want to go to?”
Sleepy, confused beyond the ability to speak, looks at Grumpy. Grumpy does an eye-roll the size of a planetary orbit, grudgingly pulls a sheet of paper from somewhere, and hands it to Sleepy. Sleepy holds it out to me. It’s a flyer for an open day at [University #1].
I decide that these two can’t be left to their own devices. I’ll help them find the campus and, hopefully, somebody there will help them get home after they do whatever they are going to do there.
Me: “Okay, I’m heading in the direction you need to go in for [University #1], so how about you walk with me? I can’t go all the way to the campus with you, but I can get you on the right street.”
They both agree, and we set off. I think they might like to chat about the city, but my attempts at conversation are met with looks of terror from Sleepy and glares from Grumpy. After we cross a major road at a pedestrian crossing, they decide to walk about five feet behind me, and every time I turn around to check on them, they are staring fixedly at me. I notice other pedestrians and even drivers giving us weird looks.
By the time we get near my building, I am seriously regretting trying to be helpful. I am at the point where I can safely part ways with them, though.
Me: “To get to the campus, you just keep going down this road. Walk another ten minutes or so. Don’t take any turns or cross the road. You’ll see a big building on the left with a huge banner hanging up on the front of it, saying what it says on your flyer. You can’t miss it. Go into that building and ask one of the staff where you should go. Okay?”
Sleepy: “Yeah.”
Me: “Any questions?”
Sleepy: “Uhhhh… no.”
Not foolish enough to expect thanks at this point, I walk up a side street, cross, go through the small gate that leads into the side of my building’s grounds, walk around to the front of the building, and take out my keys to go into the foyer.
Then, I turn my head and realise that the two have followed me.
Sleepy: “Is this the university?”
Me: “No. Go back to the corner where I spoke to you earlier, and then walk in the direction I told you to.”
Sleepy: “Oh! You were giving us directions!”
Grumpy: *To Sleepy* “Ugh, why are we even here?”
I just went inside.
That was a few years ago. I’ve helped out countless other visitors to the city since, and I’ve never met anybody who had as much trouble as those two. I sometimes wonder if they got into university, and if so, what they studied. I also sometimes wonder if they are still shuffling helplessly around, looking for something that might be a train station, hassling innocent bystanders, and avoiding calling their parents.
I think they might be.
