A Small Fish In An Even Smaller Pond

, , | Right | October 20, 2009

(At the pool where I work, we usually give swim tests to young children who want to go swimming in the deep section without a parent.)

Mother: “Can my son take the swim test?”

Me: “Sure, how old is he?”

Mother: “He’s three, but he’s a very good swimmer! He doesn’t even use water-wings in our pool!”

Me: “All right, let’s see you jump in! Swim to the other side and come back.”

(The boy jumps in and starts swimming, badly.)

Mother: “You’re doing great, sweetie!”

(The boy, still struggling, turns around, swims back to the ladder, and climbs up.)

Mother: “So, he passed, right?!”

Me: “No.”

Mother: “What?! Why? I can’t believe you won’t let my son swim out there!”

Me: “Well, your son clearly is not a strong swimmer and I feel it’s not safe to let him go.”

Mother: “No, my son is a great swimmer! He spends every summer swimming!”

Me: “What kind of pool do you guys have?”

Mother: “A kiddie pool.”

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Vocabulary, Meet Veracity

, , | Related | May 11, 2009

(I work at a daycare center and am teaching a room full of two-year-old children to memorize their parents’ or guardians’ names and home phone numbers.)

Me: “So, what’s your daddy’s name?”

Little Girl: “Robert!”

Me: “And what’s your mommy’s name?”

Little Girl: “Dammitjulia!”

(Needless to say, “Robert” had a little talking-to when he came to pick up his daughter.)

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They Start So Young

, , | Right | March 4, 2009

(A girl of about eight years old is staring longingly at the display of stickers we have by the cash register.)

Girl: “I’d love to have some of these stickers, but I don’t have any money.” *sighs loudly*

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Girl: “So… are you going to give me some for free, or what?”

Me: “…”

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A.I.: Alarming Idiocy

, , , | Right | March 2, 2009

(I pick up a phone call transferred from our operator and hear what’s clearly a kid on the phone with parents in the background.)

Me: “Thanks for calling Burbank [Store], How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, my video game system stopped working. I want you to fix it.”

Me: “Well, what seems to be the problem with the system?”

Customer: “There’s red lights on it. Is that those ‘rings of death’?”

Me: “The red lights are kind of an error message. When did purchase the system?”

Customer: “It’s, like, a year old.”

Me: “Did you purchase our protection plan?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay, you’d have to contact customer service for that manufacturer to see if they would still cover the product.”

Customer: “Oh, I bought it at [Competitor]. Would I call them? Could they fix it? I don’t want to talk to the robots!”

Me: “Yeah, if you bought it at another retailer you should probably either contact them or the manufacturer–”

Customer: *interrupting* “I said no robots; I don’t want to talk to the robots!”

Me: “Okay… you can file a claim on the manufacturer’s website, or call the retailer you actually purchased the system from. There’s nothing I can really do for you if you didn’t purchase it through our store.”

Customer: *whining* “I don’t want to talk to the robots! I’ll have my mom call the robots.” *hangs up*

Me: “…”

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Not So Dead She Can’t Come Back And Wring Your Neck

, | Right | February 24, 2009

(A dad and two little kids — one boy and one girl — are buying books. Both of the kids are paying with gift cards.)

Customer: “…and you have your late great-grandma Miriam to thank for all these books!”

Customer’s Little Boy: *happily, to coworker* “She’s DEAD!”

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